Life as the non-AD/HD ASD, spouse is rough. The constant rollercoaster rides, flip flopping, lonely, chaos, dysfunctional, sabotaging, maid, and more. Mothering/Fathering an adult puts impact on both partners. Life is no longer normal, and you've fallen into depression from your spouses AD/HD effect. The AD/HD spouse brain works different from people without AD/HD. Dr's say that's why reality to them is not reality so they subconsciously create their own reality and live there. From young age they have heard from parents, teachers, sport coaches, spouses, that they say and or don't do things correctly. The reason they talk like a toddler is not because they choose to, it is the ASD effect. Many non-AD/HD spouses are not educated in the mental disability of AD/HD or ASD.
So when are spouse can't clean up their own messes or take out the trash or do the dishes or anything we ask them to do we get frustrated and upset as the non ADHD spouse we feel unheard and disrespected, so we nag the more that we feel unheard and disrespected. I'm going to tell every non ADHD spouse stop the nagging. I understand you're frustrated and tired of being the parent the double parent of the children, and the parent to your spouse, and the maid in the house, and the counselor of the house, etc. Get yourself a vent book and write your venting in there so that your spouse with the disability does not have to hear it and get more anxiety. we need to remember that are nagging is not nagging to us, because we feel completely disrespected in the marriage and even more disrespected in the marriage because we feel that they are causing I marriage to fail.
but remember that your spouse has a mental disability. It might not be a physical disability, but it's still a disability. Are spouses already feel enough anxiety as it is, they have 10 million thoughts racing through their brain 24/7 because the disability is taking over their brain. This can also lead to higher hyper-focus and thrill-seeking. your spouse may come home from work and go straight to the computer, or spend 18 hours on the computer and completely ignore you the children the home the bills etc.
Remember that their brains are different, so what is common sense to the average Joe it's not easy for them. is the non ADHD spouse we need to remember this and remember but they also most likely suffer from ASD alongside. as the non ADHD spouse it is your job to educate. I can never say it enough educate educate educate until the day you are and your grave. He will also learn to understand the patterns and why your partner behaves the way that they do. It has nothing to do with you, and the depression that it has caused you has nothing to do with you. But you taking pills will not help your spouse. Both partner should be on medication. The non-adhd spouse should to control their depression from the ADHD effect, and the other spouse should too control the ADHD effects. I highly recommend reading the book by Melissa orlov how ADHD affects marriages. it helps both spouses to understand each other, it has also helped to save my marriage.
Having a spouse who suffers add and or ADHD is like having 3 children in one. they act like infants, they act like toddlers, they act like children, they act like teenagers, they act like someone in their early twenties. But they can also act like an adult at times. so stop your nagging to your ADHD spouse, and instead put it in event book. If it bothers you 30 minutes later then approached your spouse with it but try and be assertive. Remember that there are ADHD patterns, and people with ADD are extremely defensive. so sometimes you can choose your words as sugar-coated as possible but it still might not go as well. So you need to remember to remain calm. Treat it as you would your three year old child. I know this sounds absolutely horrible but it is what coach has advised the non ADHD spouse. Also give them positive feedback and encouragement. All their lives your spouse has heard nothing but what failures or f*** ups they have been. They don't need to hear it from us either their spouse!
so it's time to change things on the way you approach and respond to the ADHD effect. Also going and checking out the website for c h a d d will give you wonderful insight on the mental disability that your spouse has. instead of being hateful resentful and all the other feelings that we feel, get educated and learn that your spouse is disabled so cut them some slack.
I could go on, but I've already wrote a long enough essay so I shall stop here and fortunately. May every ADD and ADHD marriage last with for everlasting love and dedication from each spouse!
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ADHD manifests differently in each person. Your wife may struggle more than others, but having you suggest that treating her like a toddler is the best way to "deal with it" absolutely does not help. She needs support, not someone to look down on her. By the way, ADHD in itself does not equal a lack of intelligence in any way, shape, or form. For myself, all I needed was the right medication and I was able to see my true potential come through and I am excelling through nursing school.
The lack of motivation to clean up or "ignoring" you might very likely be a sign that she is depressed too. It sounds like you've only considered your own depression. Having a condition that affects your daily living and true potential (such as ADHD) and then on top of that, having your spouse, the person who SHOULD be your number one supporter, look down on you and talk to you as if you are a complete idiot, would definitely be putting someone at risk for depression. I agree with the previous comment - she probably needs her space from you.
You are not wrong that dealing with any type of mental (or physical) disorder can present challenges in a relationship. However, if you are struggling this badly to support your spouse, maybe it's time to find a new therapist.
Nice word vomit! That was a classic narcissistic ADHD rant on your part; Ready. Fire. Aim! That's the kind of thing that's going to keep ADHD divorce rates higher than the normal average and that's what's going to keep you bouncing from job to job thinking that " the man" just doesn't see the value you bring to the table and the world generally sucks.
This lady (?)'s article is titled, "How the Non-ADHD spouse FEELS." The operative work here is "feels." Her feelings could be right or wrong, but she is sharing with us ADHD people how she interprets her relationship. So for her, this is the way she sees things and as far as she knows this is her reality. She is a nagging. She is going behind her spouse and fixing things. She is frustrated because she is stuck.
I got a rant for you...
Does she need to live in a house full of piles of coupons and magazines? How about 100 half-started tasks? Does she need to be OK with her spouse accidentally forgetting to do things? Are her kids OK with the consequence of her spouse forgetting things or catching a scent and running off like a husky?
It appears that she is trying her best and her spouse is probably trying his best as he can. Both are tired and frustrated, but at the end of the day know their lives are better with each other in them. How do you fix this so that both of them gets out of the marriage whatever it was that they envisioned when they tied the knot? That is a question that most normal couples have difficulty answering.
I have read what others have written and it is sad that expressing frustration triggers hateful comments. There are a lot of nice people on this site and not sure why there has not been any support for you. I am also a non-ADHD spouse and have felt alone and unheard. I do not believe people can not get the help they need because there are a lot of people on this site that have found balance and not allow the ADHD to undermine their potential and for this, I am heartbroken that my marriage had to end because he would not help himself. What you wrote was heartbreaking and I do understand. I will probably get negative response but to a non-ADHD partner, it does impact the relationship if not managed. I did not know what ADHD was or understand what to do to help. Sitting quietly while he talked or ranted about his day and did not work because this was every night. Picking up around the house did not happen nor did not using every solid surface for him to unload his pockets which would sit until I cleared the area. When he would tell me he would do better, within days we would be back to where we were - me cleaning up after him. My husband would not stay on schedule with his meds or seek help. I had to make sure he kept his doctor appointments. Making our life less stressful was not on his radar - I was too picky and he felt nagged. He would not do any research unless he was interested and he was not interested in understanding what the doctors was telling him. To him life was great but life with him was not great. I see it now.
It was never my intention to not be there for him but I can't do it for him.
I don’t have a diagnosis, but its recently clicked why i might be in chaos, having reached my maximum capability, in terms of adult pressures. My husband definitely carries me, in lots of ways, and its very frustrating for both of us.
Since it “clicked”, i’m seeing our relationship challenges in a different way... less annoyed at him, more empathy for him.
And more drive to sort myself (and our home) out, and be less if a burden.
More self-awareness has been tough, and I’m kind of grieving,
but also finding more determination to push through and finish (or even start) dull jobs, and picking up. Long way to go, but have set foot on a new road...
I’m lucky he’s still here! I need to take my lightbulb moment, and not let him get to where you got to, Maltesedoggies... I get what you say about the challenge when someone won’t admit there’s a problem.
This was a very interesting read, as my wife is a non-Adhd spouse. I say it’s interesting because I know my wife shares some of your points as well.
We have 3 kids and we know the oldest, at least, has adhd. He’s 9. Looking at how he has grown emotionally and academically has made me much more aware of my self.
However, I would not necessarily be so quick to condemn and gloss over an adhd individual’s ability to help themselves. I was the typical 90s child that was diagnosed at 6 years old and fed pills. My mom was a grade school teacher so naturally she was okay with this, as most teachers seemed to be at that time. My father, however, was not okay with this and he strived to make me work hard for things and to never let me use adhd as an excuse.
Grade school was hard for me, mostly because I was so different and emotionally I was definitely seemingly behind other kids my age. But again, no excuse. I learned to work harder than everyone else. Emotionally, I’m no less capable than anyone else. I get impulsive because of the million things my mind presents me with each and ever day and sometimes thoughts get so jumbled that it’s often hard to take a step back and think through how to react to my emotions before responding to people.
The impulsiveness has been the biggest struggle as an adult. At work, it has been perceived and exposed as a weakness that has caused me to be lose credibility on many occasions with my peers. I’m an engineer so credibility is everything. I could be a better technical problem solver but be impulsive in my interactions with others and nobody cares about the former.
Anyways, I struggle. But I would hardly call it a disorder and especially not a mental disorder. Everybody chooses their reality, not just adhd people. We all choose how we want to perceive the world and how we want to react to it. If you show 100 people the same series of events and ask them to respond the way they would naturally, you will get 100 different responses because each of those individuals have had different experiences though their lives that give them different perceptions.
Einstein and Edison were ADHD without a doubt. It is very strongly believed that Galileo and DaVinci were as well. Walt Disney is another.
I’m finding that many extremely successful entrepreneurs are adhd because of how we eventually learn how to handle the world as adults. We tend to be extremelt persistent and once we grow enough to learn how to handle our emotions and impulsivity, we often find an amazing ability to change the world.
I’m a PhD student. I had teachers trying to convince me to drop out of high school in my 6th year becuase “I wasn’t smart enough”. The irony is that I was a computer prodigy and I practically taught the AP computer courses at my high school. Einstein once said “if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will forever grow up believing it is stupid” I don’t think adhd is a disorder. It’s 100% hereditary. We are the people who push the boundaries of reality. We are the people with the brains that find new frontiers, that push science to its limits. We are visual learners and equally visual thinkers.
Tthe evidence is there and I’m curious to know what you thoughts are on this topic. I know my wife has struggled to understand. But as I’m the “bread winner” for the family, I think it becomes a little bit easier for her to understand why I get so deeply involved in my work.
I believe the school system needs to change and I believe the mindset towards adhd inviduals overall needs to change. You don’t have a kid who’s missing an arm excuses to never accomplish anything becuase of the missing arm. You can’t do that to invividuals with adhd. They need to be challenged in the right way.
Growing up, I used to obsess over things. I would hyperfocus on them and they would be my world. I learned how to program initially when I was 7 by decompiling existing code. If you’ve ever seen what decompiled code looks like, I can tell you it’s no pretty- the variables are all in hexadecimal.
Meanwhile, my father was reminding me everyday about how I needed to be more “normal.” Becuase “normal” people don’t do the things I do. You think I wanted to be different? Hell, now that I’ve achieved what I have in this life, I’m damn proud I’m different and I wouldn’t change that.
I’ve spent the past year obsessed with emotional intelligence, leadership, and self improvement. I wasn’t too stupid to learn these before, I just was not interested. Now that I’m growing my public speaking skills, I consider myself ready for my next chapter, which is helping the world see this disorder differently.
Much of my research thus far has turned up a lack of dopamine. I get obsessed over things and do crazy stuff sometimes (like blasting music in my ears) to boost dopamine. It’s unfortunate becuase they are also finding a link between lowered dopamine production and Parkinson’s disease.
I wanted you to know I do appreciate your thoughts and as a spouse with adhd to a spouse with non-adhd, I do appreciate your willingness to work around the way they are. That’s what makes marriage work, right? But I also would caution against giving too many excuses for them.
I’ve found in myself that when I was a kid and other kids were learning social norms, I was lost in my thoughts- how does the world work? Why does this happen? What happens when this happens? A natural scientist....
So I was often more distracted and slower to pick up on these norms that it seemed other, slower kids, picked up naturally. Again, not a “disability” just a difference.
(This this on my phone and I’m sure there are misspellings everywhere. Thank you for reading!)
Thanks for sharing all that what a wonderful read!
Also please help me to understand, as you said ADHD isn't a disability. My spouse refers it to me that way so do others. And the disability office said my spouse can apply if ever wanted because of the ADHD. I am asking as I want to make sure I am educated as much as possible. I want to understand . Maybe my spouse and my spouse's family call it a disability because there is also ASD involved? Again, I am only trying to understand and be educated .
I don’t take offense to it being referred as a disorder. However I don’t agree with school systems and doctors who call it this. Adhd is genetic. It’s been around for hundreds to thousands of years. Our school system and much of the manuals that refer to it as a disorder are rather recent. The school system is the worst- it’s the prime example of the problem with assuming a population follows a normal distribution when the real distribution is much more complex.
To put it more simply, they cater to the “average learner” and are very quick to slap the label “disorder” on anyone who doesn’t learn that way. It seems to go against the narrative- they spend so much time in grade school teaching kids to be individuals until they cross a threshold and become a “disorder”. It’s shocking when you think about it. To be quite honest, it pains me seeing how brilliant my 9 year old is but have to worry so much about how the heck he’s going to get through school. I’ve seen some of the most brilliant brains end up addicted to heroin and I believe it’s the same processes that create this- I’m addicted to the “high” of success and my father gifted me with a hell of a work ethic. Not all kids get this- and they can easily go the other direction.
There’s a really good book called “The ADHD Advantage” that you might be interested in reading with your husband. If you guys end up reading it, I’d love to hear your thoughts kn it. It was very enlightening to find how hereditary adhd really is. It’s even more humorous to see how much ancestors from 4-5 generations back accomplished when they didn’t have the school system calling them “disordered” from the time they are were in kindergarten.
I don’t know much about ASD, so I can’t really comment on that. I know when I was teenager they thought I had bipolar. Since I’m combined type adhd, my hyperactivity was mistaken for mania. I’m not bipolar, lol, and the difference is that I get hyperactive when my dopamine is boosted (eg from loud music, public speaking, exercise, etc) whereas bipolar mania is seemingly completely random and never tied to any specific event.
Anyways, I personally have trouble thinking of it as a disorder, but that’s only my perception, based on my feeling that the benefits have outweighed the drawbacks in my case. It’s just hard for me to accept that something, which has brought me so much success, is really a disorder when the only metric being used to formulate such a classification is based on simple averaging.
Thanks for thanking the time to share such great information with me! Re to the BOOK (The ADHD Advantage) I definitely want to get my hands on that book! Sounds like it is a very good book. I would also like to tank you sharing with me my question. I never noticed it until you said it, but you make a very good points as to how the Dr's and school call/handle it. I think that schools are very uneducated towards it anyways. But that is my personal beliefs. They treat ADHD kids so crewel... and punish them for having ADHD basically. I am not going to lie, in the past I was a dummy! I believed in ADD-ADHD, but I was not educated on it. I felt horrible for thinking my spouse was, crewel, rude, unappreciated, lazy, and all the other horrible things. I have to live with this guilt, and I have to live with it because I was not educated during that time. I still cry at times over it, it breaks my heart.
I just really wish people would understand and be willing to educate about ADD-ADHD affects. It can make life for everyone less chaotic. I know I have done/thought ill in the past (when I was uneducated) of my spouse and no joke it kills me inside. I know he isn't lazy, he just can't do it, no matter how had he tries because his brain is hyper focused on wanting to do other things instead. That also causing him anxiety.
Very honest feelings you have exspressed, if the truth be known most spouse have gone throught the same . No need to feel guilty for reacting too something we don't understand . Do not be so hard on your self as what your doing by getting educated is for the most part is all you can do. Sure you can be supportive too your spouse which will help you and he. A lot of times the person with the problem has to take ownership of it and at that point stop blaming everbody eles including you.
Well said, thank you for being so understanding and educating yourself and speaking out. I’ve never had anyone in my personal life (mom, Dad, brothers, boyfriend) learn about adhd and understand it and support me the way it sounds like you do for your spouse.
I want to had people with adhd can learn to do chores and other mundane tasks. You guys are partners you need his support just as much as he need yours. It’s hard and takes a lot of effort trials and errors until finding what works. I think your spouse with adhd I hope does care and want to improve and be a team member in the house stuff. If he doesn’t care or want to change, I think that’s a bit selfish of him. And say because it sounded to me in your post that you do want your spouse help around the house. I go to chadd meetings once a month. It’s free and I found an adhd coach I’m going to start meeting with once a week. I struggle a lot with anything office stuff related. I used to struggle keeping my house tidy until I was able to write down a morning afternoon and evening routines and printed it out and taped it anywhere that when I would see it it reminded me what to do cause its written down in my face and I had to set reminders on my phone. 3 months later I don’t need the visual reminders or alarms. It feels like it just magically gets done. It’s awaesome!
My spouse is ADHD, ASD and it too a long time for me to understand. I believed in it yes, but I was not educated before like I am now. People like my family say it is an excuse for bad behaviors, because they are not educated about ADHD. Before I was educated, I used to think my spouse was lazy and other things. I was tired of being the maid around the home and with the kids. I became angry over it. My spouse begged me to get educated on ADHD so that I could understand ADHD. Long ago I did. I was reading books from Physiatrists, ADHD coaches, non-ADHD spouses, ADHD spouses, and all. I still learn and dedicate at least 5 hrs a day. My spouse thanks me for the improvements and work and effort I put into it.
My spouse too is trying hard. And trying is better then nothing at all. We both are trying so hard. LEARNING about ADD-ADHD is never ending. There is so much to learn and each person is their own person. I am sorry to hear that your parents and bf aren't very educated. Personally, I'd ask him how he feels about you two seeing an ADHD coach together. They help you both see your wrongs and rights. And I'll be the first to tell you that the non-ADHD spouse (me) got hit hard when I learned the wrong things on my part. The ADHD affects are real to both partners.
Being educated I don't see my spouse as lazy, ect. I see him as trying. I know how hard it is for my spouse, so I only have my spouse do things that can be accomplished by someone with ADHD, while I do the bigger stuff. Otherwise my spouse feels like a failure, so this way keep my spouse feeling accomplished.
My spouse asks for chore lists, but that is hard for me to do that. I just ask for things as needed and ask my spouse to make the time to fit it in.
And I am so proud of you! ( re your last part of your post). That is awesome!
Also IDK if your bf lives with you or not, but he does I think he can/should help you with the chores. I am NOT saying the parent-child dynamic, NO. But as a partner. I hope he goes with you to the CHADD meetings, or no? I highly recommend a book for him to read by: DR BARKLEY 'When an adult you love has ADHD'. The more your bf understands about you, the easier life gets for you. Or what's what my spouse tells me when I am told how proud of me my spouse is.
As the non-ADHD spouse I have also learned that when I was uneducated about ADHD that I had high expectations for my spouse. Since I have been educated on ADHD, those expectations are gone. My spouse says that it isn't using the ADHD but that it kinds works in his favors, lol. But hey I'd probably say the same thing too if I was my spouse.
Last but not least, again I am so proud of you! ( re your last part of your post)! That must have been very hard for you, and I'm proud of you!!
I broke up with him Feb 2017. I new in my heart he wasnt the one for me. That book you mentioned for spouses or non ADHD people to read I did buy and wanted to give to my brother. I went through a major life change after braking up with my boyfriend, he was also my boss and he fired me from my job 3 months after I broke up with him. 7 months prior I had bought my 1st house. My brother helped me emotionally and financially though some rough times and I didn’t want to deal with my Adhd alone anymore and asked him for his support and had him come to one of my doctors appointments with me so he could ask the doctor questions. My brother doesn’t believe in taking medication and gently tried encouraging me to get off of them. In the end I learned I can’t go to my brother for support in that Area of my life because we both have our own different beliefs on what’s right for me. He loves me and I love him and he is very much involved in my life we just do talk about that and over time like going to chadd I met others with adhd who I can talk to. I had kept my adhd a complete secret never even talk to my closest friend about it poor to joining this site after 3 months I git the guts to write my first post Others responded to my post all supportive and for the first time I didn’t feel like I was alone or the only one who’s dealing with what it was going through I felt heard and understood and supported. I’m sorry some of the people on here replied to one of your posts and wasn’t very kind to you. I wish that didn’t happen. Posting my wins and losses and getting positive support from others really helped me heal emotionally. I hope to continue to here from you, your struggles and successes. There are so many kind people hear to listen and share
Furthermore, that is great that you have your bother for support, and I am happy you have someone to support you. I am sure he has his differences in you taking meds for ADHD. I used to think my spouse should try some others that he hasn't tried, but he chooses not to, and instead do the ADHD diet and ADHD supplements... I support and back him up on that choice. It is not my place to tell my spouse to take them or not to take them, but rather support his choice to it. He had bad ticks from it in the past and was injured because the ticks had been harsh. So he fears them, and I don't really blame him, bc I would too if I were my spouse. Hopefully your brother can support your choice in you med situation. I know that whether you choose to or, that deep down inside you wish your choice could just be heard, I totally get that! I don't blame you. To the book, I hope your brother reads it, it will be very good for him, and you.
As the non-spouse, the last thing I need is another responsibility. Employment... me. Parenting... me. Cleaning... me. Meals... me. I am tired of shouldering the weight of HIS medical condition. It is his turn to step up and see a doctor and treat this and put the effort into the marriage that I have for the last 20 years. No, the condition is not his fault, but when he sees his family falling apart, it is his responsibility to step up and treat the condition that is at the root. I have finally reached the point where I am DONE unless he does so... for MY own mental health.
Hurray , for you for getting coaching . I have joined this group for understanding of the disorder or diability as its sometimes called. This condition is getting more common every year, why we don't know and really do we really need to know. We as family members wont fix it but as you have shown we can only aquire the knowledge and skills for are selfs in order to protect our own mental health. Coping skills at best and sharing stories as a spouse or family member trying to deal with something we have no control over. ONCE again the person fighting this mental state has to take ownership of it and want to get better at dealing with it and how it effects family members in a neg way. I really believe if a person takes ownership of it , and calls it his own and stops blaming everybody and society for there ills they are on the road to recovery
I’m the ADHD half in my relationship. My non-ADHD half helps us BOTH by giving me specific, one-step guidance to get things done. Instead of “pack for our trip,” she’ll say, “please get our suitcases out of the garage.” Got it! Then, when suitcases are out, the next step. A written list helps, too. Working together prevents resentment.
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what a wonderful read! 
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