The Daily Battle.

The self-defeating cycle of ADD/AHD has got to be the worst of it for me. I know we all have different experiences with it. The daily feeling of just being convinced in my own mind that the failure is right there. Ever have that person in your life who loved to jump out from around the corner or random doorway just to scare you stupid? That's my failure cycle. What have I forgotten? What will I forget? The knowing that my obsession with what I'm doing wrong right then leads to the string of things I forget. So I set myself up over and over. Does it take self-awareness to let go and forgive myself for having ADD/ADHD? Or do I need to develop more mindfulness and lists to remember everything? I ponder this riddle often, as my wife suffers through it with me. She feels horrible for even mentioning anything because she knows how bad I spiral into self-loathing. She has every right to ask that certain things be a certain way from time to time. That's how 2 people cohabitate. Healthy boundaries. Unfortunately, I am not one of those ADD/ADHD types that is good at boundaries. I'm mostly just vomiting this up here to get it out of my guts, so I'm not really looking for responses or answers. I just needed this BB to stop rattling around in my can. Now it is out into the all wonderful insanity that is our universe. More than anything I want to develop the skills I need to live with this thing. To be good to/for my wife. For her to not feel so isolated and alone because I'm not always present. She suffers from her own ailments, and I so badly want to be helpful for her, but I get so lost in the cloud of my thoughts. Even when I'm "focusing" my thoughts towards her needs, my black and white thinking causes assumptions about her that aren't true at all, and she feels insulted. I am my own rock and the hard place that I reside within. Thanks for allowing me this time and space. This is my first post anywhere ever, in regards to seeking self-help or taking an external path towards a new self. I've not had any help managing my ADD/ADHD outside of myself since I was 15. Almost 24 years untreated.

[iWasSunshine]

Hi 👋

I know exactly what you’re talking about. (I assume most of us on this board can relate.) Your question is “does it take self-awareness to let go and forgive yourself for having ADHD” and I say no. Yes, self-awareness is good, but I think a fundamental step in the process is acceptance. You have to be willing to accept reality for what it is, and who you are, right now, not what you “should” be able to do/be. That’s not to say you should use it as an excuse (“I have ADHD, so there’s nothing to be done!”) but using that info to stop the shame cycle.

Yes, I do this thing because of ADHD.

Can I accept that?

Can I forgive myself and realize that everyone makes mistakes?

If I saw someone else make a mistake or forget something, would I berate them like I’m doing to myself?

Can I accept how I am right now and also continue trying to be a better person?

Can I be compassionate towards myself?

I think that taking time to answer these questions will be really beneficial.

Hope that helps! Keep posting if that helps you to get these things off your chest- I know it does for me!

[DavidTFH in reply to iWasSunshine]

Hey iwasunshine, really love your response. Acceptance has helped me a lot, with myself and to not rampage at others for the exact things I want to chamge within me.

[hArDHeaDd]

Mr-Nobody, man, I completely empathize with you. Im 40, just seeking help to get a grip on something I've been managing since I was 16. My wife has her own struggles, I've put her through so much grief being untreated and oblivious to my condition. Its unfathomable that we made it this far. I think she developed a co-dependent chronic depressive disorder or something similar as a reward for being with me. Which has been no less than toxic for her. I was so hard headed, and immune to how my ADHD was broadcasting into the world. No boundaries, as you say. Black and white thinking. Jumping to conclusions. Being mean, rude, insensitive. Not paying attention, stuck in hyper-focus... The list goes on... And none of these things I ever "wanted"... I feel your pain.

Meds can help a lot... But self awareness is a good first step. Its what you do with that awareness, that will determine your outcome, how you perceive yourself. Its continual introspection to understand and remember who you want to be, to keep the cloudiness at a minimum, and make small strides towards your better self. At least, that's the only way I have found to move past my obsessive, uncontrollable, unwanted , and demoralizing thoughts that keep me in a cycle of failure. Then its a constant battle to invest, remind myself, remind myself again, and act in ways that meets my introspective values. Its trial and error, failure and try again, and again, till it sticks. I think the key is, knowledge and understanding. Learn your true self, separate from the condition. Understand the differences, get you built into your unconscious. I think it was Carl Jung's quote that gave me some perspective... "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate". The way I interpreted that, bring my built in, over a lifetime, ADHD self from unconscious to conscious. And in the process, move from conscious to unconscious, my true self! Sorry for the philosophical rant. Don't give up! While I dont have the specific answers you need, I wouldn't be here if so, you are definitely not alone in your experience.

I decided to try working with a coach. It may be worth looking into. If you are like me, you will need that structure to get out of the inward state of analysis paralysis. I dont have any experience with it yet, but I start next week. Ask me in a couple weeks, and ill let you know what I think.

I hope you find some clarity and a path forward. Take care!

[Hidden in reply to hArDHeaDd]

Namaste Friend. Fight the good fight.

[iWasSunshine in reply to hArDHeaDd]

Hey, hArDHeaDd

Never apologize for philosophical rants! That’s doing the hard “thought-work” that will be some of the greatest work you’ll ever do and there will always be someone who appreciates hearing your insight!

It’s incredibly valuable to internalize this idea of making the unconscious conscious and to do what it takes to make that a reality in your life.

And that’s awesome that you’re getting coaching! I’m also working with a coach and it’s literally the best thing that has ever happened for my ADHD.

Keep doing the hard work! It WILL pay off!

[hArDHeaDd in reply to iWasSunshine]

Thank you, iWasSunshine, for your encouraging words! Sorry, not sorry! Habits!

You are not wrong. I have found it to be an incredibly profound internalization. I guess I was lucky, learning at a very young age, that knowledge and understanding could provide such enlightenment, such perspective. I acquired an "interest" in gaining "knowledge" vis a vie some superpower I had, hyper-focus! Just wish my memory worked liked that too! Its definitely hard "thought-work". But, it is my passion!

Btw, thanks for the hat tip to coaching! I've been a bit skeptical, as I usually am, but can see the potential! Its good to know that its "literally the best thing" for anyone. That is inspiring for me, much appreciated!

Cheers!