I seem to keep going through this cycle of completely avoiding my wife and feeling like I have never loved her, that she is critical and mean, and I wish I had never met her, to then apologizing and and doing everything I can to build a strong marriage. My wife sometimes thinks I might be bipolar, but it seems to happen in patches. I don't yell or fight, I just withdraw, and become distant. I get irritable and possibly judgmental which comes across as very cruel to my wife. I always feel like I'm in my right mind, but when I stand back and look at everything logically, I'm confused. During these times I will often turn to pornography where usually I would have no interest in it. It's kind of like something painful brings me out of it. Like I need to cry or have a painful conversation with my wife, or feel great remorse for looking at porn.
Asking because I don't know if this ADHD, or something else. I just started taking ADHD medication 4 to 5 months ago. Surprisingly I do feel like I emotionally regulate better, and turn to porn less often since being on medication. And my doctor the other day said it sound like my meds start to wane after some time and I should take a break from my meds for a weekend once a month. So maybe that will help. But does anyone else resonate with this?
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You might have a deeper issue that the ADHD is aggravating/making worse. When I am unmedicated my depression & anxiety spikes very badly.
You might think about speaking to a therapist who can help you sort out what things are triggering these emotional changes. If you are uncomfortable with that then you could start by keeping a daily journal noting down your basic habits (when you sleep, what you eat, where you go, fights you've had with your wife/friends etc) & moods which might be able to help you independently pinpoint what things are causing you to go into these mood slumps.
I also encourage you to not beat yourself up about watching adult entertainment. So long as you are not hurting anyone or letting it take over your life in an unhealthy way (like watching all the time or at inappropriate times/places) then honestly it is very normal human behavior. Maybe examine why you feel more comfortable with this outlet for your desires during these times (does it feel safer, can you engage with things you don't feel comfortable expressing to your partner/your partner isn't interested in, is it 'easier' etc).
As for the med question: I am personally on a daily quick release scrip (Ritalin, 50mg) and I do not take them on the weekends unless I feel like I have something that requires them (extra work, family event where i need to be paying attention) etc. I feel like I take the meds to help regulate myself mostly at work and on the weekends theirs not as much 'need' for them. Maybe talk to your doc about taking that approach? I don't feel like not taking them every day has done a lot of harm (unlike say my lexapro which I HAVE to take every day or it doesn't work correctly)
Yeah, I'm working with a therapist. It does make sense that ADHD would aggravate other issues.
I think I'm pretty good about not beating myself up about adult entertainment anymore. But it is something I don't want in my life, and I think I go to to it to fill some kind of need that is not being met. Not something that I do just because it is enjoyable. I'm sure it has something to do with connection. Like I want to feel connected but can't find a way to do it in a healthy way. It is painful for both me and my wife. So I don't have a good reason to engage in it. At those times, I fail to understand why I can't engage in other pleasurable activities. I think it is more like a self soothing activity mixed with the impulsivity ADHD. I've read it's super common for ADHD people to have compulsive behaviors and addictions. This seems to be mine.
I've actually been through a 3 year sexual addiction program and have learned and practiced a lot about shame, triggers, meditation, challenging false core beliefs, affirmations, dailies, attachment styles, drama triangles, trauma, giving things to your higher power, and all kinds of other stuff in a group setting. But somehow I can't seem to get to the bottom of it. Only recently did I start going to an individual therapist and got on some ADHD medication. And the therapist said that a lot of the work I was doing in the program might not be the best for people with ADHD. So I'm still learning. I've got a lot of stuff to work out. He did say that sometimes you get on the ADHD medication and compulsions and addictions will just go away on their own. I am happy to report that I have been doing much better at avoiding my compulsions while on the medication. And for about the first month I thought my compulsion was completely cured. It might just be that the drug stops being effective over time, and so taking a break from the drug once in a while might be just the trick I need. So I'm giving that a shot.
Yea its true that people with ADHD are very prone to addictive disorders of all kinds! This is because of the lack of natural dopamine our brains produce, it makes it very easy to become addicted to things that give us those dopamine boosts - not just drugs but things like shopping, sex, social media, etc.
Personally I was very heavily reliant on recreational MJ for around 3yrs when I moved to a legal state, I'm talking smoking every night after work and all day on the weekends. When I started taking Ritalin for my ADHD I didn't drop the habit immediately but after about a month (and a panic attack) I basically just...stopped. Now I don't really feel the need to smoke anymore, or really the desire to do it for fun or anything so I think your doctor is right in that it can certainly make compulsions stop or lower in frequency.
I'm really happy to hear that things are going well for you right now and fingers crossed that they only get better over time!
Thanks, I'm sorry you had to go through all that. It's amazing what you will do when your brain isn't getting enough dopamine. One of the struggles can be finding a healthy way to get it too, especially when you are balancing a job and family. I often feel like a lot of the the things that a typical dad would find enjoyable have been more like chores for me. I'm not getting the dopamine hit. Since being on my meds, I have been finding more joy and happiness in just the little things like putting the kiddos to bed. Stuff that used to not fill my tank now does. It can be difficult to explain to people.
It sounds like you have others issues in addition to ADHD. You might want to see a psychologist in addition to your psychiatrist. They can help you figure out what your problems are. They can also help with ways to heal. Psychiatrists mainly prescribe medications with little time for talking.
lol, it's funny you say that. I did go to a psychiatrist for a little while. And the fact that he just prescribed medication and didn't listen to my story , he ended up putting me on depression medication. The depression medication did not help. Seems like the most effective person would be a therapist/psychiatrist. I actually just talk to my general practitioner and a therapist to deal with my ADHD now despite the struggles, I'm doing significantly better. But I will not rule out going to another one. The one I went to was the only one on my insurance. So probably not the best one. He also has not billed me for any of our visits and I haven't seen him in about 2 years now. So there are definitely bad practitioners out there.
For now I'm good with the therapist. I think it's helping a lot. But if he suggests it or I still feel like I'm not getting all the help I need I will definitely do that. Going to let him try his tool set to get to the bottom of my crazy first. I was just curious if others had similar struggles to this as part of my search to understand things better. I think I'm currently in good care and will eventually get there.
I wouldn't use the word hate in my situation but I have experienced this a million times. Been married to the love of my life for 4 coming to 5 years and once in a while I get this strong feeling of resentment to wards her, talking to her becomes so hard that I feel like it hurts, like I'm losing a part of myself talking to her only to wake up and feel so stupid about what caused these feelings. Most times it's because I have memories of when she hurt me before we/or should I say she decided to settle down. When I'm in that negative zone I tend to lean to porn too, it's like a safe zone for my feelings of some sort although I hate myself for it when I'm not in that zone.
FYI, I'm not officially ADHD diagnosed but I have read enough to know I might have ADHD. I'm on supplements coz I can't get proper meds and they are working well when it comes to this particular situation. Glad to hear that I'm not the only one that has this condition or what ever the f*** it is. Hope you get the help you need.
Thanks for restating it like that. That is exactly what happens to me. That strong feeling of resentment. And then I start to remember all the hurts from before. But then everything goes back to normal. I've been married now for right around 15 years. So you can imagine how hard this has been on both me and my wife, and how much shame, and trauma it has created.
I haven't been on the meds for long, but my therapist said for a lot people things like porn and other compulsions mostly go away after getting on some medication. Which is what happened to me. It was like magic, I just wasn't interested or could easily turn away from the idea. But then slowly I fell back into it, and other ADHD symptoms seemed to be coming back at the same time. The theory now, is that I need to take a break from my meds once a month and that will reset the effectiveness of the medication.
It feels really good to be able to tell your body I could to that but I choose not to.
So not I'm saying meds fixed everything for me. I have also done a lot of therapy and work in the past for sexual compulsion. But it just feels like on the meds, all the tools and things that I learned actually work if that makes sense.
Also some things I've learned is that ADHD makes most any other problem you have worse. It is also known for some real nasty black and white thinking. Either everything is the worst, or everything is awesome. Sometimes I have to tell my self what I'm thinking isn't the truth, I'm just attaching memories or thoughts to negative emotions that I am having and hyper-focusing/ruminating on it. A real hard pattern for ADHDers to break out of. But even knowing all that, I continually fall into the same traps. Because no matter how hard I try to think of the good times we've spent together they don't feel uplifting and good like when things are going good.
It has been the root of most of my ADHD behaviors impacts.
I cycled through waves of depression and anxiety, classic ADHD impacts, for years undiagnosed.
When I have been triggered by something which causes me to feel not cared for, or unsupported. My response is to drop into my bucket of shame, the more I splash that shame around, the angrier I get, and more alone l feel.
Prior to diagnosis of my ADHD, when triggered I would introvert emotionally, block out the world surrounding me and ideate self harm to punish the people that were supposed to love me.
I felt that I was being unjustly attacked for being myself; I didn't know anything about ADHD. If you have good times and then bad times, which repeat, I would call that cycling.
I work with a therapist who does "Parts" therapy, the protocol assigns figurative identities to a person's internal narrative. An example would be, "a fireman part, for emergency support or an adventurer part that drives your desire for certain challenges. Most people are familiar with the term, "inner Child;" that inner child narrative is also a"part."
I sense you have a strong multipart internal narrative "voice," try to define which part of narrative is active and why.
"Behaviors and impacts" is how I think about my ADHD. I attempt to understand my behaviors so that I can mitigate them and limit my impacts. The word" attempt" is important in this context; I can attempt mitigation, but "mitigation" is not elimination.
At present, my meds moderate my depression and allow me to mitigate some of my impactful ADHD behaviors.
I think you are spot on, that sounds like me. It's funny because I have learned a lot about shame, and I still don't see it.
I have learned some about Parts therapy. My therapist said we might try some stuff like that. Right now we're going to do an exercise that helps to see what parts of my relationship with my wife might have some trauma in it.
Also my meds have been helping my depression and mitigating ADHD behaviors too.
Have you found any things that help you break that cycle of feeling like blocking out the world around you? I have sone some pretty bad stuff when I get in that negative state of mind. I called up my boss and said I quit, and almost divorced my wife. These and many more would have been horrible had my wife and Boss not forgiven me. Because when I'm back in my right mind, all I can wonder is what was I thinking.
I would suggest integrating EMDR therapy into you cognitive work.EMDR allows you to reset and zero out life long triggers and traumas.
I eliminated a number of traumas related and not related to my ADHD with the work I did with EMDR.
Try to understand what has worked in the past to cool you out emotionally. When experiencing anxiety, know that most anxiety dissipates after twenty minutes; if you can breath and calm yourself for twenty minutes you will have a focus point to embrace.
Any length of meditation can return you to a kinder place.
I like to tell people that I walk the earth as a monk; gracious with compassion and empathy.
Yes I grew up watching “grasshopper” steal the pea from his masters hand; I embraced the tv show, [Kung Fu]’s] focus on dignity and respect and the power of the underdog.
If you can see yourself in other peoples shoes; you will feel less isolated. Understanding that the definition of humanoid should really be, “organic beings that make mistakes all the time.”
Of course at the moment your sliding off into your internalized Armageddon construct; you’re also seeking connection and support emotionally. Perceiving YOUR ADHD behaviors and their impacts can provide markers that provide alternatives to dark, self abusive introverted and hyper self focused damage.
We all need to work to be less reactive when addressing our mental pain; this is hard and upsetting work to accomplish, yet it has many benefits.
Your dark place was created by the shame you experienced, most probably related to traumas you lived through. I know my dive into my self, introversion attempted to punish the loved one that triggered the trauma by shunning, introversion and angry interpersonal interaction.
By pushing away the people that care about us, we test the bounds of those same personal connections.
Kindness and consideration to self and others can support mitigation of ADHD impacts.
"EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference."
I have been engaging EMDR with two practitioners of the protocol. My personal experience is that EMDR effectively reduces or stops the mental trigger and energy associated with trauma.
EMDR has defined protocols that include substantive cognitive therapy. I would not focus on the extended cognitive therapy as a limiting factor; the Israelis have integrated EMDR into their emergency response programs, initiating the patient's treatment for mental trauma as soon as possible.
It was so incredibly kind of you to share that with me. I will go to the site. I don’t quite understand it, but if I feel safe, and it works, I’ll try it. I’m making so much progress, that the therapist comments about it to me! She said that she has not seen many patients work as hard as I do. I have waited all of my life to heal and be whole. I’m not wasting any time. I constantly feel like light bulbs are turning on. It’s pretty amazing to me. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. It’s work, reading, doing CBT, watching videos, doing mindfulness, etc. This really works. Thank you!
There is definitely a grief stage during which I needed to come to terms with what I perceived was a life of lost opportunities. There are still times of feeling overwhelmed or not understood, it's not about eradicating behaviors, instead your goal should be about mitigating the behaviors and minimizing the impacts.
Just keep doing what you are, you seem to be embracing the self education.
BTW, my pleasure forwarding the info; EMDR works.
One last note, the self education will allow you to understand the uniqueness of ADHD to the individual. For a year, I shouted out every time I realized a behavior was one related to my ADHD.
Thank you for sharing your experience, and for being willing to express what helped! My hardest confrontation is within me yet. I almost made it running out of a business when it was being robbed. One of the 3 men was right at the door that I expected to exit from! The 45 was loaded, and pressed violently against my head. I really thought that I was going to be killed. The impact of it left me feeling vulnerable for many years. My husband came into the kitchen the other day. I startle so easily if I am caught off guard. I screamed so loud! I froze when I couldn’t run away from that man with the gun. The remnants of feeling trapped caused me to experience claustrophobia, in medical machines, airplanes, and elevators. I’m not nearly done treatment for this issue. You helped me by sharing what worked for you! I didn’t understand for years what really happened to me emotionally. I just felt very embarrassed and ashamed of my fears. I panicked in a freaking CTSCAN machine and almost knocked myself out. It’s real. It’s not fun to live with these fears of something that happened so long ago. CBT is teaching me to understand, be gentle with myself, and ride the feelings out. They actually pass. Every time I ride through the anxiety, and my brain recognizes that I am not in jeopardy, I get victory. It’s amazing. I hope someday I can be relaxed enough to not scream bloody murder when I’m startled 😱! Thanks again!
You've been given a lot of advice from different angles, lots of things that might be worth pursuing, but too much to do all at once.
A process like this takes time, so be sure to have patience with yourself, your wife, your kids, your therapist, your doctor, and with the process itself.
Starting at the beginning...
You've used the term "compulsion" multiple times. Since people with ADHD often have other neurological conditions in addition to ADHD, it's likely that you do, too. Taking a cue from that one word you keep using, have you and your therapist explored OCD? OCD can be relatively minor for some people, and thus harder to spot (most people with OCD don't have it as obviously as the TV character "Monk").
Regarding using porn compulsively:
I've struggled with porn sometimes. I realized that in my marriage, I would use it primarily to soothe when I feel anxiety well up, most obviously when I felt rejected by my wife. (She has her own complex issues, including likely but undiagnosed OCD, and past trauma which was never adequately treated. She usually didn't mean to hurt me, and when I felt hurt I would become too withdrawn to bring up my wants, needs, or feelings.) Getting proper treatment for my anxiety broke my pattern of turning to porn. And ADHD medication helped me not to become anxious quite so much. Also, seeing a counselor or therapist to deal with my issues has helped (but it seems you learned that lesson better than me).
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Don't bury your feelings. Here are some things that may help:
* Talk about your feelings, with a "When, Then" statement. "When (this happens), then I feel (that)."
* Talk with your wife, talk with your therapist, your wiser friends and family members, your spiritual leader (if you come from faith) about your feelings when you need to. Men are emotional creatures, too, not just rational. We have feelings, and are affected by our feelings.
* Journal about your feelings. Look for patterns and trends.
* Once is not enough. Our biology builds pathways in our brains. Dealing with an issue only once doesn't resolve it. Consistent practice is necessary.
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If your wife has her own issues, such as her own neurodiversity &/or past trauma, she needs to see a therapist and talk to her doctor. She may actually be doing things to trigger you, even if she loves you, unintentionally due to unaddressed issues.
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Make sure that you both are working on your relationship. People feel hurt in a relationship if they don't feel LIKED, LOVED or RESPECTED in some way. (Both men and women need to feel loved and respected, not just one or the other as the popular teaching on "Love & Respect" implies. The gist of that teaching is that while men need both love and respect, they have a greater need to feel respected than women do. And while women need to feel both love and respect, they have a greater need to feel loved than men do. This is the general observation.) ... But as we know from when we were kids, we all want to feel liked, especially by the people close to us.
* This need to feel liked, loved and respected by your spouse is one of the major findings of the Gottman Institute over 40 years of research into marriage.
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Every couple has struggles. It's guaranteed. You put two imperfect people together, and it's impossible to have a perfect relationship... And none of us is perfect.
So, find ways to improve your side of the relationship, even when it seems your wife is not. Do things together, especially new experiences regularly (at least a couple of times a year, and more often if one or both of you like novel experiences).
Strongly consider a marriage intensive weekend. The one I have the most interest in is put on by Marriage Helper, International (marriage helper.com). I've researched a few of these, and each has their own merits. (That one touts 70% of couples on the brink of divorce saving their marriage, and 99% satisfaction among all attendees, as reported by an independent researcher not affiliated with the organization.)
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{Disclaimer: I was married for over 20 years, but my wife recently divorced me. Most of that time, I didn't know most of the information that I shared above. Most of that time, I didn't know I had ADHD, so I was untreated. I also didn't get help for my anxiety until I was also finally getting assessed for ADHD, which was about a year and a half before my marriage ended. My wife left me for someone else. I didn't mistreat her, but because of both of our unaddressed and untreated issues, our relationship suffered. Most of what I shared above is what I learned in the last year of our marriage, as I was trying to save us from divorce. As the old saying goes, "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Similarly, earlier and consistent prevention does more to prevent issues from developing in a marriage. (No marriage is without issues. Similarly, no marriage is completely affair proof.) --- As odd as this seems, even though she had an affair and really hurt me, and even though she divorced me, my ex-wife and I are still friends.}
EMDR can be a very effective treatment as part of trauma therapy. I haven't found any research on how well it works for non-trauma therapy.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a specialized form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which may be very helpful with compulsive behaviors. I suggest discussing it with your therapist to see if it may be worth trying out. DBT takes months of therapy, but basically, you learn to recognize when you are triggered; you learn to challenge the trigger and it's response, training yourself to respond differently. (I'm not able to explain it any better than that. I'm not a mental health expert, and I haven't done DBT. My anxiety was helped with more general forms of CBT. I researched DBT because I thought it might have helped my former-wife, when we were still married. I'd still recommend it to her.)
Thanks for your story and all the great info. It's encouraging. We're working hard on our marriage. My wife sees a therapist too. So hopefully in time I'll get a clearer picture of what is going on.
This morning I was thinking about it, trying to figure out what might be triggering me. I think I have found multiple things. I often end up going into this zone where my emotions feel blunted. I think it can be triggered by boredom, Sensory overload, and rejection. Get all 3 together and it is a perfect storm. I think there is trauma from past experiences between my wife and I too, but they only come out when I'm not feeling good. And I think if I stay in this state for too long, I end up think my negative thoughts are real, or justified, but I'm actually not seeing clearly. I'm attaching thoughts, ideas and memories to my painful emotions. I think it is natural for our brains to look for a solutions for and reasons for our pain. And with ADHD I'm really good at focusing on the strongest emotions, and then not letting it go.
But right now we're doing really good again, and I feel connected, so I am watching carefully and taking notes.
When there's past trauma between people, it can be hard to let some of it go. The closer you are, the deeper the wound.
Depending on the type of trauma, therapy may be needed. If the hurt persists, then there's still room for healing.
Sometimes it can be very hard to completely forgive the other person for their part in the trauma. Sometimes it's even hard to forgive yourself for your part in it. But forgiveness can help a lot with healing.
In my case, with my ex-wife, it's still so recent and still pretty raw, but I've forgiven her. The hurt still flares up every now and then, but I remind myself that I made a choice, that I chose to forgive her, and then the hurt fades almost as quickly.
I know that I'm not like many other guys, that it's easier for me to forgive, based on my upbringing and my core personality (I'm a very gentle, easygoing, usually peaceful person).
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I also don't struggle with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), but many people with ADHD do. It adds a complication to relationships, and is not easy to control. Research on RSD and how to treat it is ongoing. It's not a recognized diagnosis, but has been an area of study for about 20 years now, in think.
Yeah it's not a recognized diagnoses, but you might have it and not realize it. Most people with ADHD do. I don't think of it as something that needs to be an official diagnosis, its just a common symptom of ADHD. It's a quicker way of saying that I'm very sensitive to what other people think or say about them, more than neurotypical people.
I used to think I didn't care what other people thought of me. I think I just got used to telling my brain that I don't care as a way of dealing with the pain. Most people think of me as someone who forgives and forgets easily, and never looses my cool, and am always easy going. I think those are all true, but inside I am beating myself up. Especially when it comes to criticism. This is a big part of why I will bend over backwards for anyone and am always so accommodating. I've really had to practice saying no.
Back on the title of this thread, I found this YouTube video from Marriage Helper. The presenters talk about Robert Sternberg's "Triangular theory of love", the idea that various types of love are made up from three parts:Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion.
Note, in the terminology of this theory:
* Intimacy refers to feelings of closeness and attachment.
* Commitment is the conscious decision to stick together.
* Passion can be associated with physical arousal or emotional stimulation (since a marriage would have both, but not all loving relationships involve physical arousal).
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