Hi first time for me on here. I’m from the UK, 44 married with 2 children 6 & 12. I have not been diagnosed but have so many of the traits of ADD from the reading I have done when I was researching about my son. He has not been. diagnosed either but he is a complex fella and again has some but not all of the traits of ADHD. He is fine at school and there have been any issues, but at home he is more challenging.
When I started reading a book on ADD I thought hang on this is me! Then I read about women and ADD and how they can struggle with all the routine tasks being a mum and homemaker entails. I just can’t seem to do it.
My house is chaotic. It is not hoarder level but there are no systems and no one knows where anything belongs. Things are always being lost and this causes stress. I feel like all I ever do is tidy up and declutter bu its still chaos! I want to teach my kids how to tidy buy how can I when I canmt even do it myself.
Basically I am crap at all the following: laundry, tidying things away, getting up early enough to be on time for work, paying my kids attention instead of being on my phone researching the next ‘miracle’ that will cure my disorganisation (still looking), being on time for anything, food planning & shopping (will go to supermarket with no clue what to buy for dinner, feel overwhelmed and leave with nothing!), life admin, kids school admin, remembering things (will write things in notebook and make lists but then never look at them), putting outfits together (whole wardrobe full of mismatched clothes), not paying things on time or forgetting to pay for car park and then getting £60 fine!!
Christmas has brought things to a head. I have felt completely drained and there have been many cross words from all of us. My husband does help but he is so good at the domestic things it actually makes me feel more inadequate.
I feel so alone with all this whirring round in my head. I look at friends who are also mums and wonder how they do it all. I just am not cut out for this and I feel terrible that I’m not doing the best for my two beautiful children.
Just wondered if anyone had any suggestions that might help me?
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Holly75
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Holly75, you sound like you're really devoted to your husband and children but have trouble expressing that in your domestic duties. Simplifying the amount of things you have will help to make organization more management. First, throw some useless things out (as hard as this sounds), and then you'll see what's left. Can you and your husband brainstorm ways to simplify the household tasks so it won't seem overwhelming? If you can come up with some practical solutions, your life will be more peaceful. Don't give up on yourself.
Please--just stop right now and realize that YOU are fine. It's not your fault. We both have have a disorder that gets into practically every minute of the day, and every task we turn to. There are millions, really, millions of us who feel that way along with you.
Reading your post made me feel less alone. The clothes thing--I keep thinking about all the money I've spent on ill-fitting clothes, things that don't go w/ anything I own, jeans after jeans after jeans that are too big (in case I gain weight), year after year. It happens.
FLYLady (or is it JOT (Just One Thing) blog) says to do one thing. One thing to gain a foothold. FLYLady says clean the sink every morning. Looks great and sets the tone for a calm home. I haven't gotten too far past that, but it is what it is. (I'm 63, no kids, and w/o my husband doing practically everything, I'd be sunk.)
Oh I'm so with you. Start small. The overwhelming feeling at the supermarket, I start with the meat, I just go to the meat section amd see whats on sale and if I feel like that kind of meat I go with it, decide what I will do with it and then go to the vegetable section and find somerhing that goes with it. Also, I find comfort in having my earphones in and a book playing in my ear and it calms my thoughts. How old are your kids? I taught mine how to check the pockets and separate thier clothes.. One of them was treating me terribly so I tasked him with doing his own loads of laundry and putting it away. I feel guilty because I dont work but part of being a mom is teaching them how to live on thier own someday. Whwn the kids cry its not fair, dont feel guilty and remember in the real world its not fair either and this will help them adjust to it rather than trying to explain reassure them they will be fine. Later yoy can have a sit down and explain why who does what and maybe help them see the other side of things but in the moment its too much to explain and they will get used to just getting it done because they were asked to. Also, part lof what we do is not just dping the chores but delegating and keeping the machine running with everyones help. I spent a morning organizing the pantry so the kids could put away groceries. Same with the refrigerator. The kids take out the trash and recycle and still with all of that, I have plenty to do so dont feel like your not doing enough. Youre doing fine and you will be doing better soon.
Oh, this sounds soooo familiar. I have a cleaner come 3x per week and my home is still total chaos! I can't set a routine to save my life, I pay out way too much money in late admin fees, my husband is amazing at being organised (he has OCD!) and despite my dreams of being a Supermom, it's not happening. HOWEVER, I have realised though that it's just impossible to be well organised with ADD and that I need to take the rough with the smooth. Instead, I've started focusing on the things that I do well - the kids have loads of fun with me, I'm spontaneous, ADD lets me think about a lot of things simultaneously, and I'm a multi-tasking machine (all IMHO, of course). My advice is to focus on the positive - no-one is perfect and I'm sure there are loads of things you do really well! Kids will survive without knowing how to Kondo-declutter, family memories aren't made from serving up the perfect balanced meals, and a lot of the women who seem to have everything together are secretly hanging on by their fingernails.
I can relate to so much of this! I am also 44 with two kids (13 and 10), and was just formally diagnosed with ADD. I struggle with many of the things you mention, and I’ve found some of the tips in the “Smart but Scattered” books (there are versions for kids and adults) helpful. They will help you identify your executive functioning skills relative strengths and weaknesses, and gives you some strategies for tackling some of these challenges and beginning to make a dent in the clutter (which never used to bother me, but makes me anxious the older I get). I also echo the other posters on being somewhat merciless in getting rid of stuff. This has always been hard for me as I want to donate things or “find them good homes,” but I’ve realized sometimes I just need to chuck it to get it out of the house (and once I do, I never give it a second thought). Hang in there, and try to remember that even the people who seem to have it all together are struggling more than we realize. You are doing far better than you think!
Thank you.What was the process for getting a diagnosis and are you in the UK? Are you taking meds now you have been diagnosed? I haven’t been diagnosed and wonder if I even really have ADD or if I’m just rubbish at organising myself. Part of me fears getting diagnosed as I don’t want more meds as I already take stuff for another condition. I don’t like taking them but I have to so would rather avoid taking any more.
Hi. I completely understand the reluctance to seek a diagnosis/try medication. It’s one of the reasons I waited so long to do it myself, even though I suspected it years ago, after my brother was diagnosed. I am in the States, so I can only speak to the process here, but I started with a therapist, who can’t prescribe medicine, but I was initially just looking for some diagnostic clarification. Unfortunately, she knows very little about ADHD, so she really wasn’t any better able than I was to suss out whether it was ADD, anxiety, or both. She referred me to a psychiatrist for an assessment. Seeing an internist is another route, but as a mental health professional myself, it was important to me that I have a thorough assessment, and most internists here don’t have time to do that. However, finding a psychiatrist can be difficult, so often going to see your internist is the most practical/affordable option for people here. I did try meds after I was diagnosed, and they definitely helped with the ADD symptoms, but I couldn’t tolerate the side effects. I’m still weighing what to do next, but I will most likely try a different medication. In the meantime, I’m focusing on diet and exercise to get whatever benefits I can from them. If your chief concern is the organization piece, maybe consider hiring a professional organizer or even an ADHD coach to help with some of those skills? Even with the meds, we still need help with strategies to address our executive functioning weaknesses. In addition to the Smart but Scattered book I mentioned before, I would also check out Ned Hallowell’s Delivered from Distraction, and see if you recognize yourself in the descriptions of ADD characteristics. He offers plenty of practical advice, too. There are lots of great podcasts out there, too, if you don’t like to read. Dr. Hallowell hosts one called Distraction, and there’s a whole series from ADDitude magazine called ADHD Experts. Good luck!
I hope you can go see a psychiatrist who can prescribe you medication that’s a start in the right direction. Then for the home I wrote do a list of morning afternoon and evening routines I follow in order. I committed to it for three months. My routines I modified since and don’t have to look at my list everyday. My house for the first time stays tidy it’s wonderful
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