Need outside views and opinions on the affects ADHD has had on my life, and what I need to do moving forward.

[Caltic]

I'm not entirely sure what to write or in what order, I'm out of my element seemingly writing something and presenting it to a faceless entity. I'm 23 years old and live/was raised in Suffolk on Long Island, NY. I was raised mostly by my controlling mother as she left my father when I was 4 and remarried another man and left him when I was 9 (I'm still uncovering the effects of that event; it's a landmark on my mental-health roller coaster timeline). I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 7, to the understanding of my mother and I, I was just a kid and the school did not like me having an imagination and being unruly; not sitting down in the god forsaken classrooms for hours on end when I just wanted to have fun. I was taken to a psychologist and tested as above average intelligence of my peers (at the age of 7, 116 IQ, I forget the name of the test used) and was basically told I'm smart but I can't focus for jack. The school was suggesting I go on Ritalin and my mother was not going to do that, I agreed with her, I believe it would have 'sucked my soul out' essentially as we'd seen it happen to my cousin.

Age 10 to 17 my mother continued to overprotect me, I had no father figure and I never learned discipline (she was dating a man she'd eventually marry and divorce when I was 21 and he was not much of a man) I coasted through school on base intelligence, paying attention in class but not committing too hard to school work, being a class clown and goofing with my friends, and playing video games for what people would call an unhealthy amount of time (difference between now and then is I actually enjoyed playing games for long periods of time, it was an enjoyable escape). Through those years I had no real ambitions after school, I was merely living the moment, perhaps avoiding the problems that I now face head on, such as not having the ability to to commit to ideas or tasks long term (college, new hobbies, relationships both platonic and intimate). For those years I also suffered from major depression (since that moment my parents divorced when I was 9, diagnosed at 18 with major depressive disorder) and now more recently (the past 2 years) incredibly apathetic.

February of this year I had a meltdown due to the medication I was taking (Pristiq, an SSRI) and I stopped taking it, and in that meltdown I had somewhat of an epiphany realizing it may be that treating depression wasn't the right move, but that I have ADD/ADHD and that's whats causing the depression (my lack of focus instigating incompetence) I've had 14 jobs since I was 16 years old, I would constantly be ruminating on thoughts not relevant to work if the job wasn't stimulating enough, and if it was too stimulating I'd get frustrated and quit (to be fair to myself a lot of the jobs I did do were complete nonsense, Library Page, Assembler in a factory that was never properly trained because of office politics, Bus Boy but was hired as a Salad Bar attendant and basically lied to about the position, 7 more similar situations) and through all my days in those places my head would be filled with suicidal thoughts, what I would rather be doing than be in this place, etc.

I knew I had greater-than-normal problems with focusing, I knew I'd get a diagnosis if I got tested. I got lucky with an early appointment and started a test in May, finished what was supposed to be 6 hours of testing in 4 hours since I was familiar with nearly all the tests since they're basically IQ tests, but had a follow up to do one more test and then discuss the findings in June. I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to spend a month with my grandmother in Florida as I have a deep dislike for my situation back home (where I'm currently writing from) and have an appointment lined up with a psychologist and my psychiatrist (hopefully to get Adderall, I'll get to that).

So since February I've finished my second semester of community college, my last semester until further notice. I couldn't bear full time anymore and that was the only way I could get the benefits to attend. I've been fat and lazy as long as I can remember, I've lost 60 pounds (now weighing 249lbs, I'm 6'3, still obese on the BMI probably) since April, educated myself about nutrition and am beginning to exercise in an effort to permanently better my health (I lost 70 pounds 3 years ago and gained it back when I got really depressed, I have no "real friends" or support group or a tyrant to punish me or keep me on track and I do not value my own life enough to take care of myself like I would take care of someone I was responsible for taking care of.) I currently have no addictions (the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity) besides being on my laptop maybe but I've got nothing else to do when inside. I quit smoking weed almost 3 weeks ago, I stopped eating terrible food i.e refined sugars and processed foods ala ice cream, soda, chips etc. but have cheated up until the last few days as I kept learning about the long term damaging effects of 'bad food' (I've always had a terrible palette and am extremely picky with food) I've masturbated way too often and too frequently since puberty and I'm stopping now (haven't in a week) since that's definitely a contributing factor to destroying the reward center of my brain in a similar way to cocaine addicts.

I'm understanding the importance of good friendships and am eager to begin exercising, find group therapy, try new things and begin treatment once I go back home (I drive my grandmothers car back home for her in two weeks) and I'm curious if Adderall is going to be the blessing it sounds like, from people I personally know who've described its effects. I'll never put full stock into anything but it sounds like somewhat of a golden ticket for myself, where I literally cannot read a book for more than 5-10 minutes until my mind starts to wander and I have to put it down or else I'm not absorbing what I'm reading.

I told myself I wasn't going to write a novel and then I did, this happens every time I touch this subject. If anyone has read this far I would greatly appreciate your input, I take no offense to any guesses/suggestions/criticisms and am looking for any ideas, anecdotes or personal experiences that may tell me what I'm supposed to do next; I know so many things about humanity and improving the self but I lack the ability to be methodical and form new habits on my own which is where I'm hoping medication will benefit me. Thanks for reading.

[Nick1913]

Greetings Celtic,

There are different meds other than Adderall and Ritalin. Sometimes they help sometimes they don’t. Keeping an open mind and a journal of what the medications are doing to you body and feelings is important. I tried Adderall and found my temper became very short and explosive so I stopped that quickly.

I think food has a lot to do with it too, probably more than I suspect and is punished. I have started to try and eat clean foods. Foods that don’t have preservatives, hormones or antibiotics. As close to natural as I can find. It has not been a week yet but I do feel different and though I may not be getting more things done, I am finishing more of what I start.

Hope that helps somewhat.

Good luck

[Caltic in reply to Nick1913]

I've been eating to avoid preservatives and eating a low carbohydrate diet recently (I had a sandwich from Chick-Fil-A yesterday to see if it would have an effect on how I feel today, haven't noticed anything yet), it is definitely helping but I plan on taking it to an extreme the entire month of August; look into what people call the Carnivore diet (eating only meat/animal products) as there's a lot of people who report the benefit of mood stability such as ending long term major depression. My mother also used to follow the guidelines of this feingold.org/ when I was a kid and it would help with my focus and hyperactivity. Thanks for your reply.

[Nick1913 in reply to Caltic]

Hi

I never heard of a carnivore diet before.... but from what I understand the high amount of protein is probably what helps stabilize moods. I am new to this so I am far from being an expert.

I would check with your doctor to let them know what you are doing.

Keep a journal of what goes on..

Good Luck

[happy_kitty]

Medication, while it can be helpful, is no instant fix golden ticket. Not everyone with ADHD takes meds, and even those who do usually pair them with other treatment methods.Cleaning up your diet and getting more exercise are two things that will definitely help.

I would also suggest learning more about your condition and figuring out how it affects you specially. This will help you compensate for it in your daily life.

Best of luck for the future and I hope you are successful in cleaning your life up.

[Aliness80]

I love absolutely everything you had to say! I know i can definitely relate.

My problem is that I did well in school, without putting any effort in to it, at all. Like none. But when high school came around, I couldn’t handle organizing homework for all my classes. I pretended I didn’t care when I’d get called out for not turning work in. (We had homework?)

Angel in Elementary school- I did no wrong. High School was Constant fights with parents - ‘why are you so lazy?’ Actually, I was lazy before I started failing. It just didn’t show because the work came easy to me. Now, I’m trying so hard and I’m failing so badly.

‘Who are these people you’re hanging out with?’ They’re people that I can hang out with and not have to worry that they’ll think I’m stupid.

Jobs. Lots of jobs. I’ve even found myself in jobs way above my head because I walked the walk. They always found out in the long run, though. That I’m not quite ‘all there’. Lord knows how many jobs I’ve had, how many I’ve lost.

I’ve gone back to college so many times. I had something like 4 different proposed degree plans. Then, Poof! I’m out. Don’t even remember why. Just no longer enrolled.

Had a drink. Had lots of drinks. Spent 10+ years drinking it up, partying it up. Ali’s not stupid, she’s hungover. Sure. Just living in the moment because I can’t think past tomorrow, much less plan for next week.

Why can’t I just sit and read anymore? I was the kid with the flashlight under the blankets after lights were supposed to be out. I can’t even get through a book without re-reading each line so i can comprehend what’s going on. I’m still not getting all of it.

But, I’m determined to pick myself back up again. Morning routines, with yoga and making the bed. Playlists with flirty, yet empowering music lifts me up and sends me out positively into the world.

Until it doesn’t. Until something changes, and I don’t even notice I lost my grasp, yet again.

That’s the ups and downs of ADHD.

I do take Adderrall, and I’m productive and can keep a schedule for extended periods of time. Months, even. But if I don’t stay on top of my prescription, or lose my insurance, I sink. Hard and fast. Then the anxiety and depression are back.

But it’s ok, because I’m not going out like that! I’m getting back up, and instead of wallowing in my failure (again), I’m choosing to learn from it. So as not repeat it.

You’ve had pain in your life and instead of turning angry, you chose to honor humanity, and self improvement.

I enjoyed what you had to say. I think you should print it out, and commit to reading it each week. Remember where you’ve been, and what you’ve been through. At some point you’ll have changed an idea or thought you had and you can look back and see how you’ve grown.

[Caltic in reply to Aliness80]

I'm glad you're on the upswing now. I neglected to mention how poorly I was treated by the teachers in my school, I was always singled out and put down by half my teachers going through grade school, and more than half going through high school. I hated the school so much, it was essentially a prison if you didn't follow everything the staff said to a T and they could literally instruct you to do anything and if you refused you'd be sent to the principals for 'insubordination'. Males couldn't carry backpacks from class to class but females could carry pocketbooks bigger than a backpack (think the size of an artists portfolio) couldn't wear hats or have phones in the hallways and teachers would snatch them off of you if they saw you and you'd have to get your parents to get them. I could've went on a proper path to college but the scum I've had teaching me made me hate school so much I wanted to go do a trade, I learned welding and after 2 years of learning realized it wasn't going to be the job for me because the field is full of such tough dudes who don't use their heads and I'm just a quiet, squishy guy who thinks all the time. I went to college for a year on the path to become a teacher just because I needed something to aim at with the idea that I was going to be what kids like me needed, where I was treated so poorly when I was young. I'm really scared of getting back to how depressed I was 2 years ago but I've been off medication for 5 months now and I stopped smoking weed 3 weeks ago which was the only way I could snap myself out of a bad head space or rumination.

"You’ve had pain in your life and instead of turning angry, you chose to honor humanity, and self improvement."

Thanks for that, I recognize that about myself but could never put any value behind it recently. I see so many other guys in a similar mindset to myself 2 years ago and I've broken the loop but everyone else is becoming more bitter. I hope we all make it.

[needsmusic]

Thank you for your honesty. I identify with a lot of your feelings. I am 59 years old. Started on Addderall 15 years ago. I was taking a class (on ADD in Adults), for Continuing Education Units for my Nursing license. My jaw was dropping as the instructor presented the course material. She is one of us atypical brain folks. And she was telling my story! I saw a psychiatrist soon after learning the name for what was "Wrong with me" ( OH I really detest that judgement!). Adderall definitely has helped. But it is not a cure! I have had 2 bouts of Major clinical depression. Both times occurred when I had gone off Adderall and SSRI meds! I have learned that lesson. I am OK with the idea that I will take meds for the rest of my life. I also was sober in a 12 step recovery program for 35 years. I decided to experiment with alcohol, see what might be different. I got sober at 24. I am 59. Well, I love the effects of alcohol. I like feeling tipsy. Not shit faced drunk, just lightened up. But, I am no able to lose weight (DUH!), so I have achy joints, and high blood pressure. So its a big bummer! The physical bad sideleffects outweigh the mental uplift I experience. But I haven't 'put the plug in the jug' yet. I see my MD in a few hours. That may give me the impetus to not take one drink, one day at a time. "Progress, not perfection" and One Day at a Time are my favorite mottoes today. Maybe that can encourage you too.

[Nick1913]

Hi Caltic,

I don’t know how I got here but I am, think I am going to follow this post for a bit I believe that will keep me in better contact.

I am still checking into dietary influences but I am a little curious you said you were overweight and 6’3”, also no make inferences. Curious me are you male or female? Any uncles or grandfathers in your life?

I have bad knees so I can’t jog or run, but I now am walking 3-3.5 miles a day as long as my knees don’t hurt before I start. I am also eating more protein and significantly cut sugars , bread and pasta out of my diet. I love eating sandwiches of all kinds but stopped and have half of a piece of toast with breakfast ( use to be 4-6 toast) 1 teaspoon of sugar in my morning espresso and no juices sodas just water. I love pasta but cut that down none during the week and 25% of what I use to eat on Sunday (parents when I go) or none at all....

Haven’t lost any weight at all still at 5’8” and 220 but I lost 2” at my belly have 5 more to go. Oh I am full blooded Italian and grew up on bread, pasta and espresso..... I am not giving up my espresso.😎

Anyway my diet and walking Have helped me. Thought to pass it on.