Struggling into a new self image

[scavenger]

I'm new here, and somewhat newly surrendered to the diagnosis of ADHD.

It's amazing me how much of my life long issues are related to this situation, and how much frustration I feel at my own mind. I'm 39, and I only finally decided to allow myself to acknowledge this publicly and to myself for the last year and a half or so.

I've been taking Adderall off and on for years, since about 2006. I went ahead and took it on the recommendation of my doctor who casually mentioned that she has to be careful about it, since it's an appetite suppressant. I was trying to lose weight at the time, and remember feeling like I was cheating somehow. I'd take it very sporadically, due to a fear of addiction (I am prone to this as well as all adrenaline related activities). Most recently though, I've surrendered to more regular dosage of my medicine as well as giving myself permission to take it in the first place without guilt or judgment.

I have all the standard self loathing that builds up after years of just trying harder and not making anything budge. It takes all my energy to be aware of time, or to meet a deadline, and also apparently, to speak in a measured, positive way in my work with others. I'm in grad school now, and doing a lot of group work, in which I'm finding my inability to manage my emotions disruptive, at best, and damaging at worst. I'm totally used to having issues with time, but for some reason, I feel like I'm way too practiced with self awareness to have the complete blanks on self control and self awareness I come away with in these groups. My emotions seem to trigger up worst around delivery of a project. I get really tense about delivering perfection, which is kind of ridiculous for someone with ADHD, who constantly makes mistakes. I think I'm reacting to others externally as I react to myself internally, saying the work isn't good, or that it really needs a lot of help. Teammates call me rude and get really angry. Effectually I become the asshole that's 30 minutes late then says none of this work you did while I was gone is actually any good... that we need to start over. Wtf, right?

Generally looking for support and strategies for getting places on time and showing up in a way that induces respect and trust from my teammates. Doing good work matters so much to me, so it's hard to relax and just let mediocrity happen, but I could really stand some support around that too. And I think most of all of this boils down to dismantling the self image that I've subconsciously created after years of untreated ADHD, I expect to fuck up, and inevitably I do, which deeply affects my energy and openness in contribution and collaboration.

Looking forward to getting to know you all,

S.

[Hidden]

Hi Scavenger. Don’t feel bad about loosing weight with adderall, obesity is very common in people with untreated ADHD, especially when we get older and brings on a host of health complications. I would think it would be good for you to take your medication so you can be a bit more patient in groups. Our brain takes up a whole lot of sugar and it gets depleted fast. A good thing is to have a drink with cane sugar and sip on it when you are working with others in a group or if you have to concentrate hard on your studies. It helps a lot.

[scavenger in reply to Hidden]

If only I was actually losing weight with it. Recently I quit smoking (again) and find myself so much heavier than I want to be. It's just another thing I use to beat myself up with.

[happy_kitty]

hello, scavenger, I think many of us can say that we've been there before. Even knowing I had ADHD and getting help for it, I've still had countless moments when I have wondered if I'm capable of doing anything right. It's hard when you feel like you may never reach your goals because, no matter how hard you try, you keep messing up. I will tell you, just keep trying. Along with medication, you can also try exercise, eating a healthy diet, and meditation.

I used to dismiss meditation as a pointless waste of time but I decided to give it a try anyway. It really makes a difference, in multiple ways. It can help focus and decision making, it can help you become more aware of your needs, and it can help relieve stress. It can be anything from a deep breath when you can't think or feel stressed to an hour or two at a time. Personally, I favor 5 minutes before bed and deep breath as needed. There are things that can help you learn how too. I used a free app called Headspace, there are also videos on youtube. I guess my point is, it really helped me, it could help you too.

Best of luck!

[scavenger in reply to happy_kitty]

I totally believe that meditation works and have seen it happen.... when I have enough focus to do it daily... even for a little while... even though it's hard to sit still... but I always eventually forget...

[happy_kitty in reply to scavenger]

The trick is to do it at the same time every day. Use something you already do every day as a que. If it becomes a habit it’s easier to keep it up. Also if you use the app headspace or an organizational tool you can set reminders for yourself every day.

[lonerwolf]

you ever heard of the pomodoro its a timer that makes time management easier. that's how it works DO ONE TASK AT A TIME, turn off all distractions, intensely focus for 25 minutes on what youre doing then REWARD yourself with a break.

[scavenger in reply to lonerwolf]

yup I've used pomodoro off and on for years.. sometimes it works, other times I just completely ignore it after a while. I numb out on reminders, calendar events, and task lists in a similar way. I only come back and try again after another major fuckup, seems like I can only pay attention when I'm terrified that people hate me..

[JLJLMT]

Scavenger, I feel you! I’ve had a lot of those experiences and feelings as well. My 4-5 month awareness of my ADD (I don’t have the “H") has been difficult, but is certainly getting better. I eat a low glycemic diet to avoid sugar spikes and drops that can effect emotions and cognitive function. Exercise is a must for me. But, the CBT has proven to be most effective for me. It is the foundation of all the other things I do to live a life of more meaning, as well as personal and professional satisfaction. I am also seeing a psychiatrist and taking 150 mg of Wellbutrin in the morning. My symptoms improved before I started taking meds, so I see it only as an assist to the other measures I’ve taken to manage my symptoms. I use Insight Timer for my meditation time. It’s free. Best to you as you gain victory over these symptoms. You can do it!

[scavenger in reply to JLJLMT]

I'd agree, the awareness really has helped but watching myself fail over and over truly takes a toll. And it doesn't take a big failure, every little failure or fuckup feels as big as the big ones, and the big ones actually get subconsciously justified away before long, so I lose sight of the enormity or irrelevance of various events that I should be learning from.

[JLJLMT in reply to scavenger]

I really hope you get the support you need. I understand the feelings you describe. Sometimes I just have to tell my brain it’s a liar. Another thought that helps me is, "would I talk to a friend the way I talk to me?" That helps me turn off the negative self-talk and do something more constructive.