Adult ADHD Support
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Love/Hate relationship with my mom

I truly love my mom to death but I feel guilty because I think I want her out of my life. She always nags me and expects me to fail on everything, and then she acts like I’m so amazing to other people. She doesn’t even get how she treats me. She’s been living with me since Hurricane Harvey and just this morning I was in a perfectly fine mood, until she came in my room and we were just talking then she asked if she wanted her to bring my meds to me. I said “no” because I wasn’t ready to take them yet and he response was “then I’m definitely going to pack my things and go to your aunt’s for the weekend.” I never said I wasn’t going to take my meds, I just wasn’t ready to take them at that moment. My mom has over compensated for me my whole life and I don’t know what I’d do without her, but I also do a lot for her. She wants her hair done, I pay to get her hair done. She needed her car paid off, I paid it off. She needs a place to live, I’m happy to have her move in with me. She promised to help me with my taxes this weekend and her saying she wanted to leave the way she did really hurt me. I need her help and now I'm in tears and I’m pretty sure I’ll spend the rest of the weekend in bed watching Netflix and avoiding phone calls. I’m sorry for venting about something so dumb but I wonder if my life would be better without her in it and that thought makes me feel so guilty and like I’m such a bad person.

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You’re not a bad person. I know more women that feel the same exact way about their mothers than not. My mom drives me batty. We need/help each other but it doesn’t sometimes come with getting in each other’s nerves. Take a break if you can. Let her spend the weekend at your Aunts house and ask her to do your taxes when she returns.

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We just got into a huge fight and she left. I just impulsively signed a new lease for a 1 bedroom place in the same building I live in now so she will have to move out. My IRS issue is serious. It’s not like I just need to file my taxes. I’m working on negotiating a settlement for a significant lien they have against me that I can’t afford to pay right now. It’s stressing me out beyond belief and I know I got myself into this mess by being irresponsible but she knows what this stress has been doing to me, and I can’t believe she just left. She spent last weekend with my aunt. I feel like she hates me and I’ve always been a burden to her. I want to distance myself from her and not ever rely on her for anything ever again.

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Sometimes distance is good. My mom lives in Virginia and I live in New Jersey. Sometimes I have to distance myself even more by not speaking to her on the phone too. I aim for my own peace of mind. She gets upset when I don’t take her calls because if I’m not in the mood for her BS I can’t do it. My mental health is now my priority.

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I completely get that. I wish I could hire a new mom. Lol

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I have a kinda funny reply what I do with my mom when she calls. My mom doesn’t know how to listen, it suck and frustrates but I love her and it s for me to let it go. So this is what I do when I’m on the phone with her and I don’t want to listen and she’s talking and talking, I set the phone and stop listening but still hear when she stops talking so I the a-ha

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Sorry I wrote too fast, I should edit before posting

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Hahahaha, you hear a change of octave in her voice so you know there might have been a question you need to answer😂😂

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I thinks moms can be a pain in the butt but I love my mom too. I wish I New what to say for you. I’ve leaned while in counseling this last year about family history and it turns out my moms mom treated her the way my mom treats me.

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We’ve been through counseling and my mom’s Mom was a major alcoholic and my mom married two major alcoholics. It’s a messed up cycle I guess and we’ve never been able to fix it. I really think it might be time to end our relationship. I love her but I can’t deal with her. I cut my sister and brother out of my life after my dad died, and I honestly haven’t regretted or missed either of them once since 2010. I’m sure my mom will be more difficult but I think I’m ok with that.

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My friend had to do that with her sister (cut her out of her life), I couldn’t understand it but it’s been over 10 years since and I’m now understanding it. My friend wasn’t being over the top to do that like I thought originally. Sometimes that’s a healthy thing to do. You got to do what s right for you

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I’m really close to my stepsister. She is my real family. My real sister and brother tried to take the house from my stepmom after my dad died. They were married for 17 years and that was her house. I just thought it was cruel and showed their true character. Neither one of them even grew up in that house so it’s not even like there was a sentimental attachment to it. I’m a strong believer in choosing a side when people treat other people you love in a way you feel is unacceptable.

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Watch the sant Clarita diet on Netflix this weekend.

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What is that?

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Drew berrymore becomes a zombie for who know why. I thought it was laugh out loud funny. Her and her husband are realtors and their showing a house, first season 1st episode and she started thorowing up and it was a stupid amount of thow up. I laughed. March 23, they finally came out with the 2nd season

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Gina Pera, the author of “Is it You, Me, or ADD” mentioned this show in a comment on one of y Facebook posts the other day and I had no idea what she was talking about because she didn’t say it was a show. I was thinking it was a diet and I didn’t get her joke. My post was a political cartoon about Better Call Saul from Breaking Bad and now that I know this is a show, her comment makes so much more sense to me!!! Lol

By the way, her book is an excellent read if you haven’t already read it. It compares ADHD to a roller coaster, and she does a great job. The highs, the lows, the unexpected, the fun, twist, turns, scares, excitement etc.

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I want to check it out thanks!

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Hmmmm...thats a tough one. I think girls always have tough mom relationships. Ive moved 3000 miles from my mom, and that works for us!

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I emailed her last night and explained how she makes me feel. She responded with a sincere apology and said she would go to therapy because she doesn’t ever realize what she does to hurt me. I think in her mind she thinks she’s trying to help me by constantly nagging me to so things she thinks I need to do. The things she does aren’t even that bad but I can only ignore her nagging for so long before I blow up and have a big reaction to the build up of all the bags that happened over the previous week or so. Seriously, I feel like she waterboards me until I can’t take it anymore and I react. A typical scenario would be like this.....Monica, you have a meeting today at 1pm so you need to get in the shower right now if you want to be on time.....I’m 35 years old and if I’m late to my meeting, it’s my own fault. Or maybe I’ll just have to go to it with dirty hair......I didn’t ask her to help me not be late and I haven’t had a consistent problem with being on time for a while now. It’s like she always expects me to fail at everything, before she gives me the opportunity to succeed, and even if I was late to a meeting, it should be none of her concern unless I ask her to help me. And I do ask for her help with things when I need it. Sometimes I will forget to bring things with me I need for work and I’ll ask her to get on my computer to email a file to me or take a photo of the papers I left on the counter, and she’s always happy to help me which is really nice. I know her incessant nagging is not coming from a bad place and she really is trying to help but you’re a mom, and you probably realize you have to let your child touch the iron to see if it’s hot sometimes. I know we will get through this but she needs to realize that she cannot act as my foundation and enable me to not do things on my own because sadly, she probably will not be around for the rest of my life and I need to be my own foundation.

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I just read your post. I hope you and your mom are a bit better. I, too, am a mom of 2, BUT Im also a daughter! So I can see both sides. It would be virtuously impossible for me NOT to be in my kids' business if I lived with them. Your mom probably is just having a hard time deciphering when you need help. I know if I see my kuds struggle or are about to do something wrong, I go in for the save. That will never change. Thats why I could never live with my mom. I simply dont like being told what or what not to do. Im 40 now, and distance is a blessing.

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Thank you. We are doing better at the moment. We actually just went and ate dinner together and sat on a nice patio to enjoy the weather. I’m going to a therapist who specializes in adults with ADHD. I’ve been having some issues with my medication not feeling like it’s working very well on most days, but then I’ll have a day or two where I’m extremely productive and creative. I think my issue with the medication has more to do with situational depression/anxiety because I’ve got an insane amount of stress from work, relationships, the IRS, my mom, etc all happening at the same time. I hate to admit this but I even started smoking cigs again recently so hopefully I can learn some better ways to self soothe when life gets crazy.

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It sounds like you're honest about things. Thats great; and thats really the only way to make things better. ANNND, you better stop that smoking! Not good.

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I am honest about things. I need the people in my life to be brutally honest with me because I don’t have time to over analyze bullshit. The truth, no matter how painful I might be, I know I can deal with it. I will start chantix again as soon as I’m able to reduce the level of stress in my life. I’m trying my best to get there, and I have a plan in my mind that I want to incorporate one step at a time. Thank you for the motherly stop smoking comment. I know it’s awful and I know chantix worked with minimal side effects the last time I used it.

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You've got this! Don't sell yourself short, letting smoking overcome you. I always tell myself I CAN statements. Stay strong.

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I didn’t read all of you responses after the first one, but im very happy for you that your mom moved out. Congrats 👍🏼👍🏼

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I am 45 and my mom still living with me she is 68 but looks young we have serious problems getting along due to a history of neglect abuse sex exploitation and domestic violence as well as zero coping skills (no chill) trust me that feeling of suffocation and guilt is a reality I understand all too well my mom has always been a way I dentify my self and lack of self her issues were mine are mine but she always treating my life as secondary to her own and that if i put me first we will not be friends

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this thread describes me and my situation with my mom it is so true to the nature of codependency and cycles of abuse , feeling disabled by those type of comments feeling like separation would be best to our love for each other being healthier instead fueled by dependency and resentments then guilt. you are right in feeling frustrated with her behaviors and she does some good but being an individual with independence requires time apart

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wow yea haha that might work

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Reads like Mom is being a toxic codependent: your life is your responsibility, not hers, and it seems to me (especially considering what you wrote in your profile) that you've discharged that responsibility well, on the whole. Hopefully, the apology will prove to be more real than drama-queen.

Regarding what you've mentioned here and elsewhere, good luck getting the medications balanced correctly: unfortunately, there's no easy way to account for the day-to-day, situational variations on neurochemistry; and I know from experience the “days off” I take to avoid developing a tolerance and to limit long-term side effects are among my most difficult.

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I went to my first therapist appt today but it will take several sessions just to explain my history. Lol. I’m hoping the therapy will help with my situational depression, which I’m praying will help improve my focus etc so maybe I will feel my medications working again. I don’t know, it’s exhausting.

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Here's to taking good care of yourself: merely doing so will sometimes help, in itself. Cutting stress—a likely outcome of successful therapy—definitely will help the meds work, in that cortisol works against them.

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I agree--looks like codependency. Mom needs to take care of herself, and you need to take care of yourself. Nobody should be telling the other person what to do. If your mom attempts to tell you what to do, stop, take a breath and calmly, but assertively remind your mother that you are an adult and capable of making you own choices and taking care of yourself.

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Yes, I do much better when I take 10-15 minutes before I respond. And hell yes we are both codependent on each other, I’m not sure how either of us would do on our own. Now that I’m not angry with her, I’d honestly be scared to not have her around. It seems like all we have in life is each other.

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There you go! Instead of trying to do things for the other, try just helping the other do things independently as much as possible. For example don't do the entire laundry by yourself, just help mom with the parts she struggles with, such as taking out of the drier and folding the clothes. Thus, fostering the least codependency while both maintaining as much independence as possible between one another.

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Oh man, I never do laundry. I’m so bad at life in general outside of my career. It really is the only thing I’ve been able to do well, and I still don’t know how I did it. Every other area of my life is a train wreck. I isolate myself a lot lately, and it’s odd because I’m an extremely social person if I can just make it out of my house. I have no schedule really and I think that has progressively made my life more difficult and continues to do so. The therapist I saw this morning is going to eventually help me with my schedule. For now, he just wants me to start going to bed at the same time every night and waking up at the same time every morning. We shall see. Lol

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You certainly need to get out of "the cave" from time-to-time. Go find something socially engaging that is of interest to you. Book club? Gardening class? My favorite...paintball!

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My client is coming to pick me up to go on an architectural tour, which is something I’m interested in but if it weren’t a client, I’m sure I would have said no. The only reason I get out of my house for at the moment is always work related or for something I simply cannot put off any longer. I am or was dating a wonderful man who makes me laugh, he’s so thoughtful, he’s brilliant, and I have a blast every time I am with him. I haven’t seen him in about a month and every time we make plans, I always cancel for no good reason. Things I enjoy don’t even motivate me to go do them. I’m hopeful therapy will help change that.

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ADHDers interests often change frequently, but most often share similar elements. Do you enjoy outdoor activities? Or do you enjoy indoor type activities? Do you like physically active things, or more sedentary activities? For example, I enjoy social, leisurely type activities in comfortable conditions (e.g. warm outside, not raining, indoors). Naturally, I enjoy camping with my friends and family, or any similar such activity.

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I’m adaptable. I can usually have fun in any situation, no matter how shitty it sounds. For example, after hurricane harvey, I enjoyed ripping Sheetrock out of complete strangers’ homes in the 100 degree heat and no a/c. It was obviously sad but I enjoyed helping and I always enjoy anything that has to do with construction. I enjoy movies, dog parks, my nephew’s baseball games, happy hour, dinner with friends, traveling etc but I have no motivation to do any of these things anymore. I was supposed to go to Miami on Monday but I decided yesterday that I don’t feel like going and I canceled my flight. I’ve got a lot going on personally that I guess I need to deal with. My mom is going through a divorce from an awful man, my ex cheated on me twice and I haven’t even addressed it in any type of therapy, IRS issues, got rid of a business partner who has been an anchor for years, and a lot more that’s making me want to go to sleep to escape as I’m typing. Lol

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I understand you completely. I now live in a very rural area. Civilization just stresses me out now.

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I have closed all of my social media, except for very specific ones, like Health Unlocked and Deviant Art, because I’m an artist. I hardly know anyone where I live, I hang out with my dog and enjoy my low key life in nature. The are gazillion trees in my state and I do love nature. I sometimes feel that I connect better with nature than people. I’m not a relentlessly driven person and I don’t care.

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My dogs are awesome too. Did you ever feel pressure to be more driven? It’s weird because I have days I’m so driven and I’m able to accomplish a lot, then I have days like today where I hardly get out of bed. What kind of artist are you? I admire artistic people.

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Hi Harlem, 😊 I have always felt the pressure to be driven. I hate it. And I think the driven = selfworth has gotten even worse for the general population for the past 30 years. Sometimes I can be extremely driven too. Like yesterday and the day before, I made batches of chili, baked beans, banana bread and chicken soup. All from scratch. I have no idea why I was so driven to cook all these things, neatly pit them in freezer bags and spring clean my kitchen. Today I’ve been in bed most of the day and done nothing. My motivation is at zero.

I paint paintings and recently I started trying out Corel Painter. Corel Painter is driving me nuts because there are literary gazillion choices one can make. So I am very discouraged and don’t know how to get into it again. My paintings are not getting done either. It’s very hard for me to stick with things and be driven or even just follow through on daily basis. I haven’t been on medication but I will start soon and now I have a life strategy coach that I will see twice a month. I do have the option to see her every week for 45 minutes which I will eventually do. The place is an hour away and I feel like I have to get familiar with going there on regular basis.

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Halem your name was auto corrected and l wasn’t paying attention 😉

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I’m useless if I’m not on medication. I took it today and still slept most of the day.

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Don’t beat yourself up about it, there is a reason why people like us are in this world. We’re just like Einstein and Leonard daVinci I’ve been told. Not too shabby. In a hunter/gather society we would be the hyper vigilant ones that keept everyone else alive. Also we dream up things that doers make. Doers don’t spend their time on dreaming so their are not the ones with ideas. Without people like us, the defiant ones at least, are always questioning the status quo and therefore think up new solutions for old ones. Even if it is a solution to spend more time in bed and sleep if we want to. I’ve heard people say that the day when they went on medication for ADHD is when their life changed. Others are not so happy about it. What is your experience if I may ask?

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Without people like us there would probably be no civilization

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Medication changed my life. Before it, I quit everything I did. I was able to stick with a career in real estate that I am passionate about. The day I figured out I could sell land to investors without ever having to leave my house is when things started falling apart again, I think. It seems like medication plus having a schedule would help me the most but it’s tough when I don’t have to be anywhere. I’m seeing an ADHD psychologist and I think he is going to help me work on this.

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Im 55 and my mom is 84 and I still have a love/hate relationship with her. She grossly neglected me and beat me as a kid and still treats me in a dehumanized way and doesn't have a clue that she is doing that. The good thing for me, is that she lives in Europe and i live in the USA and that is how i intend to keep it. As long as she is alive, I will never live in the same country as she does. Now she is old and lonly and thinks we are friends. It’s a little too late, she never wanted to be my friend before. But I don't hate her. She is my mom.

Your mom needs to move out. Period! Hurricane Harvey is nothing that you caused, you can’t be responsible for your mom’s well being if she is not giving you room to grow. We often think We mutually benefit from “I do this for you, you do this for me” with people close to us, but its actually a very bad idea for us, that have parents that are clueless about boundaries.

Also look for the language she uses to be controlling and use those phrases exactly like she does back at her. When you start using her language “verbatim” in a casual way about her needs and wants, like its totally normal, you’ll be surprised how fast she catches on and stops using controlling language. When I started doing that to my mom, it was like she knew what I was doing but pretended not to notice because she would have to admit her own fault, which she would never do. By doing that i put her in her place. You control the boundaries. Boundaries don't make you a bad person. Your mom might even get motivated to move out on her own.

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this is the story of me too

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I am LOVING this feed-a lot of useful feedback from everone. I love what someone said earlier about ADHDers' interrsts always changing.I'm a mom and wife, and feel Im always changing what I enjoy. A lot is based on energy, tiredness and simply time. Im drained after teaching all day. The mere more thought of doing 1 extra thing makes me nauseated just thinking of it. When I was single, not married, no kids many years ago, I was so creative, energetic and full of life. Now, I literally have no desire to go out and be social. That is truly not enjoyable for me. It's wayyyy too much effort. I feel like Im putting on a show. I love staying home. Way more comfortable for me. Even though I teach now, I feel awkward talking with adults, maybe talk to much, cutting off train of thought. Anyhoo, we are all very complex and super hard to explain ourselves to others....such is life :)

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