always the victim

[Zentime]

My 10 yo son diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety is always complaining about how he is always treated unfairly or unjustly by classmates and teachers and when questioned he claims nothing is ever his fault. Even often times exaggerating stories that I find out later aren’t true. I don’t understand this behavior and am unsure what to do to stop it. Any suggestions?

[Aspen797]

I think our kids often struggle with social skills/pragmatic language skills. The ability to appreciate others perspectives is one we take for granted, but for many it has to be taught. Sometimes the actions and reactions of others is truly confusing to our kids. Perhaps that may be the case with yours? When it is confusing, your choices are to blame yourself or find fault in someone else. With enough negative interactions. I think at some level it’s normal to try to preserve your self esteem and not blame yourself? The answer lies in gaining perspective taking skills. A speech therapist can assess and help.

[Zentime in reply to Aspen797]

Yes thank you I agree with what you said. I guess it’s just one more of those things as parents we have to bite our tongue and endure until the teaching and understanding finally click (and hope it actual does). Have you found Speech therapists that specifically help kids with adhd?

[PeachPits]

I see some of the same negativity and chronic low self esteem in mine. Reading books and learning to leave your own perspective, in order to see things from another person’s point of view was always helpful for me as an undiagnosed child, but mine don’t voraciously enjoy reading as I did… /: So hard to teach them empathy, understanding, and to help them not take every interaction as the WORST most EXAGGERATED position of reality.

[Zentime in reply to PeachPits]

💔

[Crescentmoon4]

Oh my lord I'm struggling with this right now with my 12 YO son. I don't know what to do. I've tried every talk. Same days are better then others but I just now never know with him. He is never ever at fault

[MyDogAteMyRitalin]

Our therapist has taught us to use the language: “can you challenge that thought? What else could possible be true? What evidence do you have?” I get eye rolls when I use it, but it can be helpful to get the kids thinking of other possibilities and outside their own heads a little bit.

[Uptowngirl12121]

My child has a similar diagnosis. What I often do is validate his feelings objectively..."oh yes, you're right it's awful when ...happens" then we dig deeper into what actually did happen. All the while I try to make him feel emotionally safe with me by letting him know I don't think he's wrong for having his feelings, I don't lay any blame, and so forth. I give hugs and all that as well. Then after we establish the trust, the love, and whatever else is needed we continue to really unpack and use empathy skills.."how do you think the other person would feel" and I try to get him to see others perspective. If I have the energy I end with how do you think it can be handled better on your end going forward.

YES, it's emotional labor and its exhausting. And this is why I love this forum because you all are the only people who understand how much work this really is. Not even my husband does all this...

Children like ours receive many negative critiques daily. When you're defensive you can't hear so getting to emotional safety with your child is crucial. And it would be worthwhile to let his support team (assuming he has school-based support?) know this is the assistance that's needed.

[Mamamichl]

there’s a couple ways that seem to work. One is that you tell your kid they will not be in trouble for coming to you ever. Say it enough and follow through if he does. Another thing is to give him a safe word or symbol to tell you he wants to be truthful about something that he thinks will make you mad. Ask if he wants to go for a walk and get an ice cream, or go to a cafe or if he wants to stay home and talk about it. Remind him he won’t be in trouble. When they tell you, say “that must have been hard for you to tell me. I’m so proud of you for being truthful”. Ask them if they wanted a listening ear to just vent or they want advice. If they want to process it, Then ask clarifying questions like you would if your best friend came to you with that information. We don’t scold our friends.

Some kids feel less stressed if your body is turned away, while others want a more serious conversation. Asking questions will help them feel heard. Also, rephrase what they say in a non judgmental way.

Although I have a 10yo and this is all pie in the sky, I am trying to do this as much as I can. My kid was able to tell me she figured out dads and my phone password for her to get unlimited time. It allowed us to discuss why it’s important to not have screens right before bed by her processing it herself rather than me and dad telling her. Kids know what we tell them, but they need to learn their own way too. They aren’t dumb. ADHD kids are some of the smartest. We just do dumb things because we react and act on impulse. Ask them if they learned anything. Ask them what they would have liked to do instead and why. Ask them if they want to role play the situation. Practice will help us all. We are all human. Zen hugs.

[Familyfirst13]

My 14yr old son has been doing this for years. He blames his math teacher when he fails a test because she isn't doing what she's supposed to to make sure he learns and understands the material. He blames the bus driver when he gets in trouble for horse playing because she pit him in the seat with a rowdy child. It's never his fault.

My way of handling this is probably a little more strict. I don't accept the excuses anymore and I will sit with him and talk about it until he finally takes at least some accountability. I remain calm but I don't let up. I ask him questions as if he were the teacher. I talk him thru what she's having to deal with and eventually he will admit that he plays a part in it also. It helps but he still likes to blame others. Just not as often.

I try to teach him that we could either keep living in the problem or we could live in the solution. I don't know, I try to take more time to get him to see his part. It's not easy and it takes me staying level headed lol. I agree that all kids do this, just some more than others. And he's young, only 10 years old. You can work with him so that he learns how to take accountability.

[Zentime in reply to Familyfirst13]

Thank you for your response. We had a long weekend and so I got some time to talk to my son on a long drive (I always find the car the best place to talk no eye contact required😉). I posed a lot of the other persons perspective questions and he did appear to understand how his actions might be perceived by others a bit better. I felt good about the conversation and will continue to reverse his complaints with questions about how the other party involved might have viewed the scenario. Always good to be empathetic to how others may feel!! Good luck on your journey as well!

[BicycleBrakes]

The long game thanks you for the investment you are making in now!

You are doing life changing work. Raising humans is no joke and the thoughtful parenting you are doing is not easy.

You are disrupting patterns of very painful and life impacting habits.

I am reading your posts and they all are resonating - yes because of my experience raising and parenting a now young adult w adhd- but more because of my marriage to a now 60 year old who - at times gets stuck in the behaviors you’re describing— I often say…to him…- “it may not be your “fault”- what about it might be your responsibility” and or “how might you be contributing to the dynamics of the situations”…I could go on w ways I still work and try to engage -yet what I’m learning on my life journey is the tragedy of shame. And it’s painful & hard.

I’m aware we all bring our inner child with us and “marry our work” yet shadowboxing the childhood issues that come with ADHD in adulthood and marriage is really really hard.

ADHD impacts everything—and to all my fellow loved ones of ADHD loved ones -know that there is a future spouse or partner (friends and co workers too) that appreciates the work you are now doing in building a future of ADHD-ers where accountability, integrity, ownership, agency and self love prevail.

Thank you.

[Zentime in reply to BicycleBrakes]

I reply with tears in my eyes. Thank you so much for your kind words! They mean sooo much. ❤️

[Lillianmcmcl]

I suggest an occupational therapist rather than speech, unless your son has articulation and other speech needs. My daughter has ADHD and autism and her OT is a big help in expanding her flexibility and thinking. The past year or so they are practicing working with someone else to make a plan and then execute the plan in a timely manner. This sounds little, but it's the basis of so much that we expect kids to be able to do without much support. And it's very hard when your mind moves a mile a minute. And for my daughter it's particularly hard to hold herself accountable to her own plan. I think OT or even a therapist may be helpful.

However I also agree that books, and for me personally also the right show or movie, can be helpful for perspective taking. Or even for feeling "seen." The relief of feeling understood and accepted can sometimes strengthen my daughter so that she can put down her guard and acknowledge other points of view.

[PeachPits in reply to Lillianmcmcl]

What movies have made you feel seen?

[Lillianmcmcl]

I'm sorry I can't think of an example, but I was thinking of movies that get into the difficulties of friendship, school and being a child who has only so much autonomy. For me, personally, it could be anything. I loved the show Parenthood when it was on and now it is a great re-watch as they have a child with autism. There is also Ezra, a new DeNiro movie, and also a son with autism. I know Sesame Street has Julia with autism... But I haven't found an elementary or tween movie or show with an autistic female character, yet.