Well my boy loss all control yesterday! He is (14) he has been having a hard time at school it’s boring and he hates it. It’s more that it’s too easy for him. Their is no challenge, I have told the teachers to challenge him and they don’t. The teacher even said when he is challenged in class he is great if he isn’t then he is defiant. I requested he be removed from the teachers class due to the clash and he is bored.
a crisis worker and counselor recommended he do day treatment which is one on one school and therapy. He said,” I am not autistic, I don’t need to do that.”
Anyone have this issue?
how do you help this?
He was explosive and I think it’s cause he didn’t have gym, weight. He couldn’t release that negative energy.
Please share your thoughts or experiences and how to help.
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I haven't had your experience. But I do have some ideas for you.
If you live in the US, look into dual enrollment or concurrent enrollment in community college. This way he can start taking classes that will challenge him. In our school district in California, kids in High School can take classes for free at community colleges (if a counselor signs off on it). My son just turned 14 and is currently in 8th grade. He will try some classes this summer because as soon as he completes 8th grade he is considered to be in 9th grade even though it's really the summer in-between 8th + 9th.
If that's not possible, assign him some classes to take via Khan academy (which is free and online). They have a ton of classes, including things like calculus, physics, economics, etc. Then start looking into the rules at his High School for testing out of classes to jump to something that will challenge him more.
Also find him some clubs - either through school or outside of school. Clubs that will challenge him in areas that he's interested in. For example: chess club, math club, science olympiad, etc.
Another idea is to have him volunteer for an organization he is interested in. For example: animal rescue, library, etc.
It's hard to find a job before you are 16 (when you can get a work permit), but if there's anything available to him in your area at 14, that's something else to try.
He doesn’t want to do anything in the summer as he enjoys hanging out with friends. He did khan before and found it boring it was too slow for him.
I told him he may need to do online school and we can find accelerated programs however he doesn’t want to do that cause he likes being around his friends. The same friends he has had since elementary.
What activities do his friends do during school, after school, and during the summer?
Surely at least one of them is in 4H/boy scouts/etc. Or in one or more school clubs. Or in sports/martial arts/etc. You may need to talk to the other parents to find out details.
Have any of his friends started thinking about college? Because this means getting involved in school clubs, getting volunteer hours, showing you can excel academically, leadership activities, etc.
Invite all his friends over for a gaming day and ask them while you provide lunch.
Find him a mentor - either paid or unpaid. Could be an adult or someone in college or even a senior in High school.
Start asking your son what kind of job he envisions himself doing. If college isn't needed for it, then maybe it's a trade school (auto mechanic, etc) or an apprenticeship (electrician, plumber, etc). What steps are needed to get to that goal?
If he has no clue, then have him take some classes at the community college where you do aptitude tests to help figure it out. Or he might have to do like I did - which was basically the process of elimination (what did I NOT want to do, and then what was left that I could tolerate and maybe do well at).
Get him a book on skills to be an adult. This typically covers things like personal finance, resumes, taxes, insurance, etc. Have him read a chapter each week and then discuss it with you.
Look up lists online of things he needs to learn to live on his own. Things like cooking, cleaning, etc. Where are the gaps? Set up a plan with him to learn the skills he needs. Can he pump gas in your car? Can he make a shopping list from a recipe, do the shopping, put away the groceries, then cook the recipe and clean up? How long can leftovers last in the fridge safely? Can he do his own laundry? Etc.
It's common for kids this age to not be motivated. You need to find a way. Use his friend's parents for some of it if needed. Often they'll listen to another adult when they won't listen to you.
If he has an ADHD diagnosis from a doctor (which is an umbrella term that includes ADD), then a public school is required to give him a 504 plan. A private school is not. It's against the law for the public school to refuse a 504 plan.
He was diagnosed when he was in kindergarten and he has never been treated. We did all the evaluation and testing but felt he needs to learn to manage and not jump into treat. Everything has been great up until the start of the school year.
He is in all honors classes and they are accelerated. However he says it’s boring and he doesn’t care.
As for future planning for careers he says everyone is so focused on me having a career I am a kid and I will change my mind.
His friends are all in honors and weight club and wrestling. He is a pretty independent kid and his friends are the same.
Currently after speaking with him more and him having the attitude of I don’t care resulted in him going to the ER. So we have given him his option and he will ultimately decide the outcome. He just started concerta, doctor thinks maybe he is a little scattered at the moment and his mind needs to get out of chaos mode and into focus mode. Doc says it’s typically during puberty to have more chaos then typical.
As for the 504 the counselor said,” he is in honors he doesn’t need a 504. He has been fine so why does he need it now?”
( IEP in kindergarten-2nd) he tested out and hit all the goals and has done great, he needs more help now.
A 504 plan is not solely for academics. It is also for behavioral, social, etc.
You can bypass the counselor. Write a letter saying he was diagnosed by his Dr. and that you want a mtg time to create a 504 plan. Acknowledge that he hasn't needed one previously, but does now. Send the letter to the principal. There are examples letters online that you can modify. Have your Dr write a letter to the school stating his diagnosis and his need for 504 accommodations. You will hand them a copy at the 504 mtg. Go online and search for common accommodations for adhd in middle school or high school. This will get you started with ideas. If they refuse to give you a 504 plan, they are breaking the law and you should get a lawyer involved.
Yes, he will likely change his mind about careers. He still needs to start thinking about it anyway. Even if it's just to narrow down an avenue. For example will it likely be science/math/computers? Or humanities? Or art?
I’m sorry to hear that your son lost control. Did that happen at school or at home? Was it the school that suggested a day treatment program? Does he have a 504 or IEP? If not, a good place to start would be to request an evaluation by the school. An evaluation should include looking at academic aptitude /IQ as well as behavioral functioning. It sounds as though he may benefit from evaluation of both as he may need to be more appropriately challenged as well as find better coping strategies. If this behavior is unexpected, has he had anything new happen, new medications or the like? If it’s not new, has he been evaluated by a developmental behavioral pediatrician or neuropsychologist? Sometimes a more thorough evaluation outside of school can shed some light on areas that need to be addressed. All behavior is communication. Something isn’t working for him, whether it’s sensory, social, attention, anxiety, boredom, or something else. A great book on behavior and underlying causes is The Behavior Code by Jessica Minahan.
I requested doing a 504 with the counselor and he said we can’t do that and stopped answering when I requested.
In elementary he had an IEP and he was released as he showed great improvement. He has behavioral therapy in kindergarten as his behavior was a bit wild. However he did mellow out.
Pediatrician said he had ADD now as he isn’t showing the hyper part as much anymore. Behavioral Doctor recommended day treatment it’s one on one schooling and therapy everyday and once a week family therapy. However it will take him out of wrestling and being the captain of the weight club. Which is the only things he finds enjoyable. I do have another meeting with the school as we were unable to find a solution for him yesterday
It will be important going forward to speak with and deal the people who can help you. That is not the counselor.
If I were in your shoes, I would listen to your son and not remove him from the place he has found success in.
Our son told me, that he only goes to school so he can play sports. It is so important for children to have a voice and to find success in things while at school. This role helps to create their social group with peers.
An IEP can be provided in school, but there has to be an assessment, then goals are based on this assessment. If he is not having behavior issues daily then it is harder to have an IEP.
Have you asked to have him test into the gifted program? These programs often have accelerated work, but they also required a lot of work outside the classroom, like homework.
Counselor is very focused on the future my son says,” I am not thinking about what I want to do when I am an adult I am still a kid and I don’t want to worry about that cause I can change my mind at any point.”
His joy right now is wrestling and weight club, he wasn’t able to do any of that this week due to behavior and schooling.
He is in honor classes since 7th grade and this is the only year of school that there has been a struggle.
He is frustrated in the first class of the day and that carries over to every other class and it is causing a struggle.
I feel like he is being a little ass right now and thinks he can do whatever he wants without consequences and that isn’t gonna fly. Due to his behaviors in school he may make things worse for himself by creating all the drama he has started. I told him to do the assignments and take the test and show them you can fall in line and he just thinks he can beat the system and takes his test and be done. The teachers are making him do assignments and he is refusing to do them now .
Unfortunately, consequences don’t necessarily work for the ADHD brain like they do for neurotypical brains. And removing the things he feels successful at and happy about (wrestling & weight club) tends to worsen behavior by creating learned helplessness in these kids.
1) has he been evaluated by a psychologist for IQ/executive functioning testing? That can show 2e (twice exceptional) status (gifted with ADHD for instance) and that of course kids with excellent grades can struggle. Also, the report can give some “teeth” to a 504 request. Schools often tell parents a kid with good grades doesn’t need a 504. Read about twice exceptional kids—your son may be one. I would ask the school psychologist, not the counselor, to contact you. They have more training in these areas.
2) ADHD medication will help get things closer to a level playing field for him. He is swimming upstream by having ADHD. And he is working 10 times harder to get the good grades, remember what he reads, etc. DO NOT be fooled by the “I’m bored” stuff. Unless he truly has been misdiagnosed and doesn’t have ADHD, sooner or later the workload and organization/time management/planning for schoolwork will become difficult. He will start to flounder. And fear of failure will be his motivator. Medication won’t teach him those skills, but it will help him pay attention & function a lot better (for the majority of kids with ADHD).
ADHD is a self regulation disorder, not just an attention disorder. Teens who are medicated are safer drivers, have lower substance use rates, have lower rates of unplanned pregnancy, better graduation rates, the list goes on. Emotional regulation is actually a big part of the disorder & can also improve with medication. Russell Barkley has excellent books for parents about ADHD. I hope you find a good answer.
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