Desperately need help asap

[Ditto121]

I have a 22 year old daughter who was diagnosed last year. She is on meds but no therapy or coaching. She is struggling as well as the rest of us as she is not working to get help. She only uses meds sporadically. When she doesn’t she is up all night and sleeps all day. We are desperate to find some therapy and coaching for her as well as counseling for the rest of the family. We have had consulting in the past as she has been previously diagnosed with anxiety, depression, possibly bi polar. My daughter took herself off those meds as a freshman away at college. She decided she did not want the meds and the way they make her feel. And did not go back to therapy. She is studying psychology so she led the self diagnosis of the adhd inattentive. But she has a strong adverse reaction against any type of authorities figures especially if they disagree with her. She shuts down and dismisses any critique of her behavior or actions. There may be other issues involved . She has left home at this time couch surfing until she can find a way for her but she can’t get a job( not sure if she can apply we can’t seem to get any accurate answers) and she may use up her welcome as the problems she is having will follow her. she is now angry at us. Any suggestions for counseling help here in md (Washington dc area). We are in desperate need of help. Not sure she is willing to see anyone or even acccept there help on what she needs to discuss to help herself . But I would love to have someone help the rest of family as well as maybe help us communicate with her to have her come back and work on getting the help she needs. Please any suggestions to help us and my daughter!!!

[Nylnorealo]

Hi I’m new to this forum but I sympathize with you. She is considered and adult but she will always remain your child. Have you checked psychology today for therapists in your area specializing in her diagnoses? Not sure on your insurance coverage but even without it there are centers that operate on sliding scales that might be able to provide services to your family; ultimately your daughter as well. Also dependent on her college, they may have support groups or centers where there may be additional resources and peers going through similar situations that can help. ♥️

[Adhdparentspouse]

Employee Assistance Programs often provide 5 or 6 free counseling sessions for any family member. Often can get 6 for one person, and 6 for other family member(s) too

[Fin12345]

Hi. I am 60 and my 21 year old son was only recently diagnosed with ADHD. I just joined this forum and posted a couple of days ago under Need Help with 21 Year Old Son with ADHD. You and me are living very similar lives. Some of the responses to my post may help you. I don’t know if there is a way for you and me to connect directly, but we could be good support for each other.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Fin12345]

This site does have a chat option, to reach out directly to an individual member.

[MA_CHADD_Dad]

Hi Ditto121, I don't have experiences exactly like yours, but my 15yo son struggled with many issues in addition to ADHD and in the US in my state he has to consent to treatment. This made things extremely challenging for my wife and I as his parents. In our case he hit a crisis point which scared him enough that he let us get him help, but he had to be onboard. I think this was one of the hardest things for us to come to terms with, that we might be ready and willing and to get him the help he needed but it was in his hands whether or not he accepted it. Focusing on the treatment can be a real wedge for a family, and trust matters a lot. Something you might consider trying, although it will be difficult, is reducing your focus in your interactions with her on getting her into treatment and instead focusing on understanding what she is going through from her point of view and walking beside her so to speak. If she trusts you she is more likely to let you help her. It also sounds like at some level she recognizes that she has issues and might have her own thoughts on what she is and isn't willing to do to treat it. I'm treading on thin ice here with this advice because I am assuming a lot about your relationship with her based on her not accepting your help and leaving the house with nowhere to go. I feel for what you must be going through watching her struggle and I hope you find a way to get her the help she needs.

[anirush]

If she agrees to go, I found my counselor on Psychology Today website. She is great

[STEM_Dad]

Part of this is your daughter's decisions and beliefs on the matter. Part of this is your own, and the relationship dynamic, and the family dynamic.

Part of it is her age, her socialization, her personality. A lot of people feel the need to strike out on their own

.....

I have a daughter who is now 29. When she was graduated from high school, she moved in with her boyfriend. At 19, she became pregnant, and about a month before she gave birth, she and her boyfriend broke up.

She went through a variety of jobs, had another child with a boyfriend who didn't stick around, stayed together for years with another boyfriend who has his own kids (they had none together) as a mixed family, until he decided to leave.

Now, she is a bit world weary, but she has wisened up a lot. (She gave me a lot of sound advice when her mom filed for divorce.) She owns her own mobile home and renovated it herself (with help from some friends). She's now working a job that she likes doing (as a FedEx driver...she is a great driver and loves to drive, so it suits her).

I don't agree with a lot of the choices that she made, but they were hers to make. I ached as a parent watching her go though all the struggles and strife, and my door has always been open to her...but besides a couple of months when her first child was born, she has insisted on going her own way.

Kids grow up. Then they will make mistakes (maybe some that we made, maybe some we would never make). They will live their lives. We just do the best job that we can do to prepare them for life.

Don't give up on her, and make sure that she knows that she can come to you about anything.

-----

Does she have any trusted mentor figure that you know of, someone who she might listen to, since she doesn't seem to want to listen to you? Someone who would be considered by her to be a neutral party, rather than acting as your proxy? (Perhaps someone who was a youth leader or theirs, or a teacher, or a favorite aunt?)

[BLC89]

Hello Ditto121,I am so sorry you are going thru all this. It is all sorts of painful to watch your kids flounder.

One suggestion, as others have said, go to psychologytoday.com and find a family therapist for sure. Then, if it is in the budget get a therapist for yourself alone. A mother's journey is like no other and you deserve support in a difficult time, you need a place your can vent and cry and sometimes rage which you may not do in family therapy.

Find therapists who knows ADHD - you can search by that - so they grasp the situation. "Normal" tactics don't work with ADHD, patenting is a different game with the neurodivergents.

The hardest part is going to be to let her find her way - it takes Herculean effort on many occasions. And sadly the negative experiences won't be teaching her much of the time because of the way she is wired.

As best you can keep the communication open and positive. If she is angry acknowledge that, tell her she can be as angry as she wants to be and that you love her no matter what. Letting her know that truly, no matter what, you will love her will have a positive impact even if you don't get to see it.

Ask before you give advice, "may I make a suggestion?" If she says no, (likely response) tell that's OK, if she wants ideas you'll share when she is ready. She will notice when you hear her say no and then you don't push it, it's powerful.

Language is really impactful so do your best to pay attention to how you phrase things - I feel.... may I suggest... type statements.

Don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells and don't put up with her being rude or disrespectful. If she starts to rant, tell her you are sorry she feels that way, it was not your intention to _____, (whatever she is blaming you for) and when she is ready to discuss things more calmy or kindly you will be available, then end the conversation.

None of this is easy or fun but if you can keep from getting hooked in arguments two things happen: less negative energy and she will see that you mean what you say.

And as best you can, understand that any anger from her is actually fear, any nasty angry comment she throws your way she has already thrown at herself ten times over.

Also keep in mind that her executive function is 30% behind her age, so 22 is closer to 16 years old as far as planning, prioritizing and regulating her emotions. So looking for a job may be beyond her current organizational skill level.

Last thought, she is desperately trying to gain control. Her thoughts and emotions have not been within her control ever and she has had enough. She is studying psychology to try to understand and explain herself to herself.

OK promise last thought, learn all your can about female ADHD (very different from boys, often misdiagnosed as depression, anxiety and/or bipolar) so you can come at any interactions with the most understanding and open mind you can. Ask her to teach you what she has learned + research on your own.

Take care of yourself first and foremost, otherwise you have nothing to offer those around you. Hang in there, come back here any time you need support or to vent that's what this place is all about.

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD

[Ejcox2002]

Hey! Okay, I remember at college that I thought I knew best.

Who wants to take those childish meds? I'm an adult now. I am big and strong... And want to be like everyone else.

Okay, yes. I soon learnt that it wasn't (the hard way)... I had counselling etc. Before but it never worked. But thankfully, my dads health insurance had this; 'Better Help' anyone can use it.

Crucially, (I can't remember how, sorry) my dad made out like it was my idea to do it- which was crucial as it 'wasn't my dad being annoying' as I always said he was when he was trying to help... Now I am an 'adult' (yes, I learnt I was being silly and I still had lots to learn!!)

Why did it help me? Because it was virtual, I didn't have a real connection with them, which helped me speak honestly without feeling I was being judged!

[Pema20]

hi there, our daughter is 17 so still a minor and that makes a difference. She refused therapy for a year when she really needed it. Since she wouldn’t go, my husband and I saw a therapist to help us work to build connection with her and cope with the pain of watching her suffer but refuse help. You cannot force them to seek help and that is hard. I think it helped our daughter to see that we were seeing a therapist. Even though she wouldn’t go, I researched therapists and found 3 people who I thought might be a fit for her. When she eventually (after a year) said she MIGHT be willing to talk to someone, I suggested she interview/test drive a few and see if any might fit. She liked this idea because it put her in control. I made appointments with three people. She hated one, felt meh about another, but the third was a hit. She’s made a lot of progress with this therapist.

A couple of notes for you (I could write a book about identifying therapists). 1. It is incredibly hard to find any therapists with availability let alone a good one that is the right fit. 2. I probably spent close to 40 hours researching, contacting, etc. I started with our insurer’s website and made a list of 100 possible therapists. I researched them on Psycologytoday and narrowed it down to 25. I contacted all 25 and got callbacks from 4 (2 to tell me they had no availability). That left me with two plus one a woman from the dog park recommended (yes, I asked around everywhere, even our dog park acquaintances). 3. Before starting to research know what you’re looking for, in your case you want someone who specializes in young adults, ADHD and any other co-occurring conditions. I also recommend people who use proven methods like CBT or DBT as I think talk therapy, while important, doesn’t really impact behavior change, which for our kiddos who may need to address EF deficits, overcome anxiety and manage depression is needed. 4. You can tell therapists your test driving to find the right fit, they will usually tell you that’s a smart idea. I actually personally saw two people in tandem for about 3 weeks until I decided on one. There is a cost to this, but in my experience finding the right fit is so important the investment actually saves time and money in the long run (the caveat being the privilege of being able to afford this is not a reality for many).

Since your daughter was a Psych major it might help to recognize her “expertise” and suggest she do some research and check some people out. She might be more open to that.

Hope some of this helps. There is nothing harder or more painful than watching our kids struggle and refuse help. Hang in there.

[Ditto121 in reply to Pema20]

Thank you! Yes that’s what I’m trying is to find a therapist for me with the right expertise. And I’m going through the process of sending out requests and receive only about 1% reply. And those don’t have availability so I’m putting my name on waitlist. It is a arduous, frustrating process.

[Pema20]

I have had some luck with lifestance health. They have a large network lifestance.com/ I believe they serve MD as well. McLean hospital recommended I try them to find a psychiatrist for my daughter and they were very helpful. They can match to insurance provider too.