Does anyone else experience a lot of attention seeking behavior in their child with ADHD? My daughter is 9 and just got an ADHD diagnosis this past spring. She never struggled academically before this year, so we just figured she was “spirited,” but this year the expectations got higher and she began to struggle due to her inability to maintain focus. She hates to do anything alone, lacks independence, and seeks out attention from adults. Any advice on how to manage this?
Attention Seeker : Does anyone else... - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
Attention Seeker
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CatandBooklover
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"She hates to do anything alone, lacks independence, and seeks out attention from adults."This describes my 7-year-old son as well. We've been told to make sure we lavish the attention and praise whenever he IS doing something praiseworthy or independently, but man is it hard when those moments are so rare, and then when I do, he seems annoyed by my positive observation and will immediately do something negative to get a negative reaction from me instead. 🤷♀️
Thank you for your support and for the reminder to lavish attention and praise when she is doing the desired behavior!
Medication?
Our plan is to hold off and wait and see how the beginning of the next school year goes. I do think she will ultimately need medication to manage her ADHD though.
Just want to share that we did the same thing at the start of 3rd grade with our daughter - we waited to see how the beginning of the academic would go before pursuing meds. In hindsight, I wish we hadn’t waited.
At the time, we had only a presumptive diagnosis of ADHD from her pediatrician, but the doctor was comfortable prescribing meds before getting a neuropsych. Additionally, given the challenges I’ve mentioned in my last response, I’ve always known something wasn’t right.
Anyhow, this past school year was awful for her. It didn’t help that she hated her teacher…and we totally understood why, but validating her feelings can only do so much when she has to deal with a teacher day in and day out. In addition to her teacher being inflexible and abrasive, she was ill-equipped to help kids with special needs.
When we did start meds, we learned that many didn’t work for her and the one that worked best caused her decreased appetite so much so that she lost weight and her pediatrician had us stop that one. For some kids, it can take a long time to find the right meds. (Her sister, on the other hand, is doing great on the first med she’s tried!) After trying several kinds of meds with no success, the pediatrician felt it was out of her expertise to try other meds and we had to find a good psychiatrist or psychiatrist nurse practitioner that takes our insurance and new patients to pursue further options - a feat that is akin to finding a unicorn, even in an area that has terrific hospitals and experts.
The other reason I wish we’d tried meds the summer before school is that it would have given us a lot of time to observe the effects while she was with us at home more. On the topic of getting a good sense of med effectiveness, I highly recommend sending teachers an ADHD questionnaire to fill out before and after starting meds. We learned this tip way too late into the school year, and never got a good sense of if the meds were working.
All this said, your experience may not turn out as challenging at all. I’m only sharing because I wish I’d known about/considered the possibilities beforehand to make a more informed plan.
Ok, thank you, definitely something to think about!
Just thought of one more thing that would have been helpful to know about before embarking on medication. There is currently a national shortage of ADHD medications. It can be very hard to fill prescriptions, which are only prescribed in 30 day quantities because they are controlled substances. So, every month, you need to be in contact with a doctor or nurse practitioner for a refill. This also means that a pharmacy like CVS can’t simply transfer the prescription to another pharmacy as with other meds. You need to contact the doctor to transfer the prescription, after you yourself call various pharmacies to see if they have the medications in stock. Two weeks ago I spent 3 days calling multiple pharmacies a day. I had the doctor transfer the prescription 3 times because by the time I left a message on the nurse's line, waiting for them to transfer the prescription, the meds would sell out at the pharmacy. It's a bit of a nightmare.
I had no idea! What a pain!
I admire how proactive you are. That is how we should be, not leave things to others if there is something we can do.I also liked the idea with the ADHD score for the teacher. Well done 🦁🐈🐈
Great response. I agree. Nothing gained from "waiting" if one can tell it will come down to treatment in the end. Why spoil another month, year, years for the child? The longer she suffers including the consequences the higher the risk she will develop anxiety disorder or else and in any case remember those times. Usually it's lack of info why we do it and - as parents - being unused to the idea of children on drugs. Then the stigma treatment consolidates in our mind re mental health conditions - whilst ADHD really is primarily a neurological one, secondarily psychiatric - and society's response to it at large. Yet it is society's response to the child untreated which will haunt her.
My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD combined type at age 5. She does a lot of attention seeking behaviors.
Thank you for your support.
It's a stimulation thing. Attention (positive or negative) helps get our mental motor running. Since this is a new behaviour, it could be new challenges as you said, or it could be that some of the things she's relied on for self-stimulation in the past either aren't working anymore, or she feels too old for.
For me at that age I really struggled with working independently. Ultimately I think it was music that helped me the most (aside from, you know, people)
Try to work with her to find things she can do to refill her bucket (google refill bucket ADHD to see what type of thing I'm talking about). Work with her to find strategies, structures, and routines that work for her. High frequency of short breaks work well for many, making sure the breaks are mindful choices that refill the bucket rather than just tuning out. Also, exercise! Physical activity is one of the best non-pharmaceutical ways to improve ADHD symptoms.
Also, it could simply be that they're at a stage where they need more attention for a while. Maybe try to include her in tasks you're doing (e.g. "We can continue this conversation while you dry these dishes I'm washing" or "Let's chat while tidying the living room") couple this with conversation about her current task, since often our thoughts get tangled in a mess of tangents and conflicting priorities and we need help untangling our thoughts and planning our next steps. (Search "body doubling ADHD").
With my son, I've been tapping into his interest in boardgames to practice key skills or reinforce things he's learning in school. We've been playing "Thunderstone Quest" this week as a way of helping him practice weighing qualitatively different options (e.g. is it better to beat up that hobgoblin and get a treasure card and some xp, or is it better to go to the village, heal up, train my hero and buy some gear?). I'm thinking of getting him started on an RPG or tabletop wargame, as he's self-conscious about his writing ability, so I'd like him to have a drive to practice it.
Good luck! Try to remember that much of what annoys us IS their ADHD, and not their personality, so the goal is to figure out what drives their behaviour and either cope with it, find a workaround, or find an alternative behaviour that meets the same need. In my case my son and I get on each other's nerves a lot at times, especially when we both wash out of our meds at roughly the same time 
Often what makes it hardest for me is when he has behaviour that I also have and get frustrated about.
Thank you for your support! I really appreciate your perspective! Neither my husband nor I have ADHD (my daughter is adopted), so it’s difficult for us to understand her need for so much stimulation. The attention seeking behavior is not new, just the ADHD diagnosis is new (sorry if I was unclear about that). She has ALWAYS needed A LOT of attention. She LOVES to talk! She will also interrupt conversations. I do my best to help her with this need to chat, but to be honest it can be tiring especially since I am not a very talkative person. I will Google refilling the ADHD bucket for more ideas.
We try to encourage exercise and do this often together as a family or she takes part in sports. Unfortunately she won’t exercise on her own. Forget going on the trampoline, jump roping, or shooting baskets outside alone. She is an only child, but even children with siblings need to play alone sometimes.
Thank you for reminding me that the annoying behaviors are due to the ADHD and not her personality because she really is a lovely girl with so many wonderful qualities and strengths!
It will get a bit easier when she is more easily able to spend time with friends. Both my kids struggle with not interrupting; we do our best to be consistent with gently redirecting them and having them wait while we're finishing what we're talking about. If I can't talk with them in that moment, I do my best to tell them when I WILL be available, since that is something tangible they can work with (though our sense of time is wonky because of the ADHD)
Part of the pressure with interrupting for me has always been the fear of forgetting what I was going to say, especially if it is important, because I KNOW I will likely forget even if it's vital to remember. As an adult there's note taking and texting and such; until your daughter is comfortable with writing, they'll have to try my other strategy: being okay with forgetting things (well, most things, anyway)
Also, keep in mind that there are parents out there with the opposite problem: never knowing what's on their kid's mind. Doesn't make coping with the constant need for attention easier; just pointing out that as with most things, it's not all good or all bad.
We're fortunate that our son has become a strong reader, since that is something he can hyperfocus on. When we absolutely need some quiet time, he can always read for a bit. Occasionally our daughter will even let him read to her 
I also recommend coupling talking with some sort of productive activity (e.g. tidying a space, cleaning, cooking) so that they learn that they get more attention when it's coupled with productivity. We're also trying to teach them that the more they do around the house, the more time we can spend with them.
Good luck! You are definitely not alone!
Great ideas! Thank you! My husband and I both need to work on being more patient with the interrupting. It may be that she’s afraid she’ll forget, but I also want to teach her that it’s rude and it’s important to listen attentively to other people because their thoughts are important to them too.
I love the idea of coupling talking with productive activity. I’ll work on that!
Have you asked her why she won't exercise on her own? Had a chat with her about sports groups, enrolling her in a particular sport? Exercise that exhausts will be something to consider and there's so much variety. Mixed or girls only. Does she have any body shaming fears? Some kids do. I did. Terribly. Not over being large but peculiarly over my wide red feet (the redness caused by the contrast with the green/turquoise tiles in the swimming baths! At 6y old!!
Wow. I'm gobsmacked. Another seemingly very thoughtful proactive parent. Loving your comment as much as 2ADHDkids's ones'. I have no kids but had 3 younger siblings to look after and 5 nephews/niece. I am really amazed. I do like the ADHD parents/kids forum as I feel adult ADHD can really learn from it. Also because I care about kids which doesn't mean I know anything about bringing them up.
My son (age 9) is an attention seeker too. In his case, he wants attention from everyone. I think all kids want attention/recognition but when kids are struggling, they are more desperate for validation and positive feedback.
I used to give my son a lot of non-specific praise (like "Good job!") but based on a number of parenting books, I have been working on giving specific acknowledgement of good decisions or choices instead. For example: "It must feel good to complete your homework early so now you can go play" or "That's very responsible of you to clear your dishes without being asked". It felt very weird and forced for a long time but it's gotten easier over time and if makes it clear to your child exactly what behavior you want to see again.
The other thing that's helped my son is being able to ask him, without judgement, what was challenging about a specific assignment or task. This also took a lot of work on my part because in the past I always wanted to give my opinion. Naturally it would become a parenting lecture rather than a conversation. It's taken a couple years but now he usually feels heard/understood and that has been important for his self-esteem.
The last thing that comes to mind is encouraging your daughter to dive into something non-academic that she loves. Having a sport, instrument or hobby that they excel at is huge for self-esteem.
Thank you for your support and advice. It’s a good reminder to use specific praise.
I really need to work on asking her what is challenging about particular tasks so it is a non- judgmental conversation and not a lecture from me!
It's hard to see the barriers another person faces, just like it's hard to see the lack of barriers someone else has.
Picture you're both crossing a different rope bridge. From your perspective you can't understand why the other person is taking so long because you don't see how many of the boards on their bridge are broken, unsteady or missing, and how often they have to stumble or problem solve or work up the effort for a might leap. Meanwhile they can't understand why it's so easy for you to cross because they can't see that you have plenty of boards, and all of them have fresh timber.
Most of the time a workaround can be found. If they need to practice their math, play a game that requires it, or have them help you tally the groceries. Or have them do one of each type of problem per sitting rather than trying to do five of the same problem.
Often starting a task is the most difficult part, so I'll ask my kids to put three toys away, and offer a little reward if they do more. Or I'll give them some support in initiating the task.
I'm not a big fan of hard work, because I know it's not sustainable. So I try to find different approaches or strategies, and try to manage my expectations.
I love your rope bridge imagery! It is SO hard to see the broken or unsteady boards on others bridges especially if they are dealing with a challenge that is mental and not physical! You seem like a very compassionate and empathetic person/parent.
I am grateful that we created a 504 plan for my daughter for school next year. That way it will help next year’s teacher understand that she needs many “workarounds.” The expectations at school last year exceeded her executive function capabilities and little was done to help her.
And the sport!
This is definitely how my 6 yo son behaves too. I do believe it's pretty typical for ADHD kids. My son is also adopted and he has some other challenges on top of ADHD. No actual advice, aside from what you've already heard. Just letting you know you're not alone!
Thank you!!
I recently met with a therapist for parent coaching to learn ways to better support my recently diagnosed daughters with ADHD. One of the first things she told me was that kids with ADHD are very attention-seeking. Both of my girls have always been like that. For example, when they were toddlers, I couldn’t leave them behind the baby gate while using the oven to make dinner, even when I was within their line of sight. My 6 year old very rarely plays independently. My 9 year old is becoming more independent, but she will always choose an activity with a parent over playing alone.
Thank you for your supportive response. Did you find the parent coaching helpful?
This time, yes. It’s our second trying this type of therapist. The first one wasn’t so helpful. It could just be that this one is better at knowing what parents like us are looking for/has more practical solutions to share. OR, it could be because we now have a definitive diagnosis and she knows how to help ADHD kids. With the last therapist, we shared that our reason for seeing him was that our 9-yr-old has had and continues to have extreme tantrums since she was very young. This time, we started off with: her neuropsych tells us she’s above average intelligence and she’s been diagnosed with ADHD, combined type (and dyslexia & dyscalculia). What I’m still looking for, and hope to get from a therapist, is how best to respond, given her personality, when she’s dysregulated…it’s TBD if this therapist can help with that.
Wow, great information! Thank you! Practical solutions are exactly what I need also.
Yes! My younger son displays similar attention-seeking behavior and will rarely do anything alone. If he doesn't get positive attention from me he acts out and when his brother doesn't want to play he pokes and teases to get attention any way he can.
Hello CatandBooklover,
Often for the folks with ADHD they can concentrate better with someone nearby. It is called body doubling and there are actually websites you can go to for a virtual body double experience. You sign on, state your goals and go to work. It seems to keep the task front of mind for the ADHDer. I think it could be driven a bit by social anxiety but it is not a stressful situation (I hope that makes sense) So since things have gotten more challenging for your daughter she may subconsciously know that if you are around she can get more done.
If it is just wanting to be hugged and sit in your lap, my daughter used to do that and we coined the phrase "Are you feeling little today?" like a little kid? She would say yes and climb in my lap. The after a bit she was good to go. I think acknowledging what she is going through is the best thing. It normalizes it and creates a safe space that translates to her sharing more as she gets older.
Keep it light, keep it supportive and she will get there. I agree on the medications too. Why wait if you know you will get there eventually? They are truly some of the safest medications around. Yes there is a shortage so you may need to pharmacy hop. I have heard is really really hard to get meds in and around NYC. We are on the west coast and it is a challenge some months and not others.
Keep up the great support and proactiveness! It is the best for the kids when the parents are engaged and learning and finding solutions before the problems get too big.
BLC89
full disclosure: I am an ADHD parent coach and have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and have raised two kids who have ADHD
Yes!!!! Our son has his own room, with a big desk, quiet at end of upstairs hallway. Where does he want to do homework? In a busy, loud, distracting area downstairs!!!! And he sits on the floor, next to the dining room table. Lol. Me: “Don’t you want to work at your desk?” Him: “No, it’s so lonely and quiet and BORING up there!”
The best part about that is twofold: you let him sit on the floor, or wherever he wants, nicely done, AND he can tell you why he is there which is fantastic. He is aware, that will serve him well. Goid job parents 😀
Yes. I actually see this more as a sign our son lacks the skills to be more independent, initiate activities, plan his time, etc. He also has anxiety so sometimes that’s also driving the behavior. I try to subtract 3-5 years from his age to make my expectations more realistic. Not always successful at that, though, and I am harder on him than I should be. Best of luck, it’s so challenging.
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