Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

[Candiceb]

My son was diagnosed with severe Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder.. We need all the help we can get please.. we are struggling here..

At home with behavior, school, emotions.. please help

[Onthemove1971]

We are so happy you have joined us. So sorry you guys are struggling. Many of us have been there. We are always here for you. Many children with ADHD benefit from 3 tools to help them: an educational plan (not sure how old your child is), therapy (there are many types through insurance and/or in school) and medication( there are many types). In addition exercise ALOT every day is so helpful.

In addition we had success in having our son do something outside school, since he hated school. For us it was always the one thing that helped him gain confidence. We agreed to not take this away, even when things were awful in school.

It also ready helps for parents to have some type of support, I found this group so helpful. If you can read back on older posts, they might help you.

Again, thanks for joining us.

[Candiceb in reply to Onthemove1971]

Everything is just so so hard.. I'm looking for advice on how to use a behavioral system or something at home? My son sees his counselor 1 day a week and is on medication.. we are still in the trial and error phase I guess. School is hard an we have 4 other kids at home. I I definitely need help at home!

Thank you

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Candiceb]

Since giving punishment never worked, when our son was smaller I would punish "forward". This was amazing..For example with electronics: I would day at 7:30pm not more since we have to get ready for bed. 7:25 warning, 5min. Warning.

Then when it was time and he refused, I would say "if it is not in my hand in 1min, tomorrow there is none". I would wait and if he did not give it to me, I walk away and do not engage.

Shortly later I go turn off the wifi. The next day I do not give him any electronics, I say remember when you did not give it up, well today there is none and I keep the wifi off.

This always worked best for me.

Also, when things get heated and I need to step away, I go to the bathroom, run the water and calm myself..

I also punish no longer than the event, so I day without electronics.. never longer.

Maturity and development help so much. Medication has been a lifesaver to help him stay consistent.

We are always here for you.

Take care,

[BLC89]

Hello Candiceb,I'm sorry you are struggling. You came to a good place for support, welcome.

I guess I would start with the basics a good book is ADHD 2.0 by Dr Hallowell & Dr Ratey. It explains adhd and covers a bunch of the new brain science and discusses the latest research regarding ADHD.

Secondly here's an article regarding IEPs and 504 plans. Understanding these and implementing one will get you support at school. additudemag.com/504-plan-fo...

And, as Onthemove1971 said, get your son moving. Exercise is hugely impactful with ADHD. High cardio 45 min/day.

Talk to the person who gave the diagnosis about medications. That is the quickest way to see changes. The meds are very safe and help about 85% of ADHDers. There are several so if one doesn't work don't give up. Keep trying until you find a good combo. The stimulants are fast acting so you know very quickly if they work. They don't stay in your system long and you don't have to have them build up over time to see results.

Often you do need to adjust the dose but even with a low dose your kid can usually tell if they make a difference.

Talk to your kid about their different wiring so they can understand themselves as best they can. They need to know that they see the world differently than most; they are not broken in any way. They don't need to "be fixed" they need to understand and be understood so they can learn to work with the talents they have and get support for their challenge areas.

Keep asking questions as you think of them. Someone here has been in your shoes. You'll be surprised how many parents will relate to what your going through.

Hang in there, you can do this.

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.

[bear240 in reply to BLC89]

We found learning about ADHD so as to understand what children are living with has really helped. Behaviour is a communication so understanding the world from your son's perspective will help everyone. Try ADDitude magazine, CHADD and the books suggested above for example.

There are a number of parenting courses online. We liked Impact Parents and many people here suggest Adhd Dude.

Our kids have improved as they have got older and we celebrate each win.

I hope things improve for you soon.

[BLC89 in reply to bear240]

Hello bear240I love that idea of their 'behavior is communication' that's so fantastic. I knew that on some level but when you said that it became so clear. You are learning a new language and the books and parent examples are all vocabulary lessons.

Thank you for such a concise explanation.

BLC89

[Candiceb]

I really can't thank you all enough! This is definitely not easy for our family or myself but I cry at night because I'm thinking if it's hard for us HOW DO WE THINK HE FEELS?? Also.. my son is acting out now. ( I know everyone has good an bad days )

Example- I wake up to flour thrown all over my kitchen.. my son lied.. said he didn't do it. Checked the camera it was him..

When talking an asking questions..

It's

I don't know. I don't know why I did it

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Candiceb]

There is no excuse for this type of behavior, but lying is like you said a form of communication. We all have many example of things our children did that they should not have.

Providing a safe, loving space will really go a long way.

When our son was young I would say, before bed " I love you, but I do not accept your behavior".

I remember feel like there was no way our son would be successful in life if he has all these issues.

Best to you in learning how to parent him.

This door is always open for you..

[bear240]

Hi CandicebAs Onthemove said we get it (with many examples of behaviour).

As you probably know Adhders can be impulsive. This is probably not him planning to be naughty but having a brain which as yet doesnt inhibit him from doing something thats popped into his head.

I understand this doesnt help with the cleaning up🙂

[Knitting20projects in reply to bear240]

^^^this. Kids with ADHD act first and think later about many things. It can feel like they’re intentionally trying to taunt us as parents, or intentionally lie——but it truly may be that he impulsively thought “hey, this looks fun!” and then realized—-“uh, oh, bad idea—-only a dummy would say they did this, and I’m no dummy, and I don’t want to get in trouble, so—-no! I didn’t do it!” It is beyond maddening as parents, I know. And medicine doesn’t magically fix all impulsive behavior. It can help—-and so can time and maturity. I would definitely ask him to help clean up!

[Aspen797]

Have you reached out to your state’s Parent Resource Center for parents of children with disabilities? They can often point you to a parenting /behavior class that is offered for free or low cost in the community. You need to know you’re not alone and have some partners in walking you through steps. You may find a parenting class in person helpful. We got help from a behavioral psychologist when our son was little. He taught us positive parenting techniques that made a huge difference. They are the same techniques taught in major parenting programs like the Incredible Years and Triple P Parenting. You can find your parents resource center here: parentcenterhub.org/find-yo...

[marinecyan]

You've come to a great place. Parenting a child with ADHD can be exhausting, frustrating and depressing. I hope that knowing all the parents in this forum are either going through or have gone through similar circumstances will help you feel less alone. I also hope you'll be able to see that you can and will help your son get better.

How old is your son? What are the behaviors and situations that are most challenging?

My son (10) was diagnosed a year ago with severe combined type ADHD and borderline ODD. His biggest challenges were impulsiveness, distractibility, anxiety, irritation and anger. I'm a holistic nutritionist so we took a non-medication approach and through testing and supplementation, my son is doing much better. The anxiety remains and when he gets overwhelmed he can get pretty irritable, but his baseline is now happy, cooperative and more focused. I'd be happy to share what I've learned based on what you're struggling with.

As Onthemove said, it's also not just one thing. My son has had a lot of therapy starting many years prior to his diagnosis (my husband and I have also got to quite a bit of therapy). We also have had to work hard on adjusting our parenting to meet my son where he's at. And it's a work in progress. Learning how to let go, and to "Quit Taking It Personally" (QTIP) have been important skills that continue to help me when things are challenging.

[BVBV]

My son is also on the more severe end of ADHD and unmedicated. We did try to meditate over 2 years but the side effects were too severe. As far as behavior at home, follow through with natural consequences and try to react without emotion. For example, when he spilled the flour everywhere, yet lied, I would have shown him the video and had him clean up the mess. I highly recommend watching ADHD Dude videos on YouTube or subscribing to his website where you have access to specialized programs. He’s the one resource I’ve sound that provides straight forward advice that actually works for ADHD kids. Give him more responsibility at home- I find this really helps my son’s self esteem and mood. I also recommend a lot of physical activity as it can help rebalance their brains. My son also takes Barlean’s Omega Swirl (high EPA/DHA), Zahler’s ChildCalm (magnesium, L-theanine), Olly’s Happy Worms (Vit D/saffron), Creekside’s Focus Jr (Inositol/DMAE), and a high quality multivitamin with folate.

[Listening1]

Is your son on meds. If not , it is worth exploring and trying. Don't wait too long until he starts to fall through the cracks at school.

I have an 11 year old with ADHD that is currently taking Straterra for the past 8 months. He was diagnosed 2.5 years ago. Prior to the strattera trialed 3 different meds and their doses. We had numerous issues with side effects such as insomnia ( imagine an ADHD child not getting any sleep). Another med made my son go on a hunger strike eating only 1 small meal per day until he started losing an incredible amount of weight. Now he is on Strattera , which seems to be tolerated well. We have altered the dose 3 times so far.

I want to say that in that last 2 years I have practically lived at school with the amount of calls, incidents, including bullying etc that my son has been through . During that time , my son was not regulating his emotions well at all. Every situation no matter how big or how little was the end of the world. I have had countless pieces of advice given to me about how to discipline. Some say be more harsh and then others say don't be harsh. I always felt like no one could understand what I was dealing with and just how severe it could be at times. I am a single mother who thankfully works in a hybrid system for my job so half of the time I work from home. That keeps me available for my son but it is also the most draining experience that I have ever had mentally, physically and emotionally. I find that all of my free time is taken up with matters related to my son. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way but it has been very difficult.

I have said all of this to let you know that dealing with a child of ADHD is hard. it wears you down at times and makes you constantly question yourself as a parent. Don't. You are a good parent. you just need to take things one day at a time and of that is not enough then live minute by minute when it comes to your child. Sometimes they will forget to brush their teeth or won't finish finish their homework. For your own sanity , you need to give yourself grace and understand that until your child levels out, and he will if you keep working with him, you have to take things slow. Lower your expectations. A child of ADHD is almost like a person with no conscience. They present as selfish , unruly and difficult at times but they really are not. They don't see the big picture . So harsh discipline will never work. Patience on your part and willing to repeat yourself over and over again is the only thing that works.

On a positive note, With meds, parenting strategies, collaboration with staff at school and an endless world of patience, i am now seeing a ray of light with my son. He listens to instructions. i am hearing more positive feedback at school. I see him mirroring my behaviour. If i am frustrated he is frustrated. When he is frustrated and I demonstrate calmness he comes down rather quickly.

Figure out something , like a sport or hobby that you child likes and is good at and create opportunities for him to do it to his leisure. This helps build self esteem. My son loves soccer and he has become very good at it. After he plays all he wants to do is rest and be quiet. Yay!!!

I know that this probably was not the advice that you may have been looking for but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Don't be afraid to ask anyone who is close that you trust for parent relief. My sister takes my son occasionally. She thinks he's fun!! But don't feel guilty in needing to step away.

Just remember to live one day at a time. If your child is on meds. Stick very close with your doctor to report whether or not you see changes. Become versed on what to expect.