When to give up a sport?

[Adhdmomof2]

Hi! My son has been playing baseball for 3 years with mixed results and is asking to quit for good. It makes me sad to give up so young (he’s 9) bc there are definitely a lot of times he has fun at practice and the games. However there are also a lot of challenges- sometimes he’s afraid of the ball and jumps out of the way when batting and he gets very easily frustrated and huffs, cries, yells and sometimes even throws things when he gets struck out or the team loses. I’m not sure if it’s his ADHD or anxiety or both that are at the root but I’m conflicted if we should stick with or give up. I know avoiding triggers is counter productive for anxiety but the whole point of extra curriculars is to have fun and build confidence. He works with a therapist and we try to prep him/role play before every game for possible scenarios but it doesn’t help. We’ve already quit a few other sports/activities for the same reasons as it feels like torture for all of us to endure these public outbursts! It really just makes me sad to keep adding to the list of “activities he can’t do/handle” 🥺

[Onthemove1971]

Sports shouldn't be stressful!Could you consider an individual sport (swimming, Tae Kwan Do, parcore, etc) while he is young then move him a team sport in a few years?

Maturity has really helped our son a lot. He is 16 years old and in a group sport and is doing very well.

[Adhdmomof2 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thanks for your response and support!

[Yellow-cello in reply to Onthemove1971]

From a baseball mom who stayed in too long, please let him try something else! Call it “taking a break” instead of quitting! He can always go back again later when he has better emotional regulation and more confidence. Also, I know many will disagree strongly, but baseball is the worst! 😬 Someone once called it a game of failures… there are many more forgiving sports. I also like the idea of individual sports. Also play all kinds of games at home to let him practice losing in a ‘safe’ environment. Nurture his natural strengths so he can gain competence and confidence in that one area. He’s very young- no need to stress about this!

[MaudQ]

I love baseball, but it can be a hard sport to get into as a kid. Hitting a ball with a bat is actually really hard and if you don’t have love for it, and everyone is watching you mess up, it’s no fun. It sounds like you’ve given it a go and at 9 your kid has more self knowledge than he did at 6. At some point, kids start to branch out into interests and talents. Is there anything your kid really loves? Not even sports but something he’s good at and has fun doing? I think with ADHD it’s so important to have an area of competence. There are lots of ways to stay active that can be easier on a neurodiverse kid - biking, dancing, rock climbing …

[Adhdmomof2 in reply to MaudQ]

This is a good point as during one of his outbursts he cried he was the worst on the team and I think it was probably easier when we first tried it at age 6 and all the kids were new and just learning. It definitely has gotten more competitive and he is much more self aware as well. We'll keep looking - I know there are lots of activities we haven't even thought of yet and he does enjoy some non-active activities as well like band. Thanks for your reply!

[BLC89]

Hello Adhdmomof2,May I suggest changing from "activities he can't do/handle" to activities that "aren't a good fit at this time".

He is young and the ADHD brain lags in development up to 30% so your now 9 year old has the executive functioning power of a 6 year old. And as one reply pointed out baseball is not easy.

You can make it a game and put a bunch of sports on a card, like bingo, and just keep trying new stuff. If you get bingo then celebrate the fact that he is so curious and willing to try new things. If you land on something he loves celebrate the persistence it took to find it - win win. Make finding a sport a game. And go outside the box - lawn bowling, dance, rock climbing, curling, really widen the list.

I have found that bicycling is great for the ADHD brain. There is enough to geek out about but also it can be meditative. You have to pay attention to what you are doing and block other things out. You can be on a team and compete or just try to beat dad down the trail. Mountain biking, road, cyclocross (there's often mud how fun is that!) and track racing are all areas to explore. The whole family can do it and you can do it your whole life.

The other sport that seems a good fit is horseback riding. It's expensive but has been a life saver for our daughter (I keep reminding myself of that when I look at our low bank balance

So all that to say, hang in there, adjust expectations to a younger set of executive function skills and stay curious. You will find something that fits well.

Good luck in the hunt,

BLC89

Full disclosure I am an ADHD Parent Coach, married to ADHD for nearly 30 year & 2 grown ADHD kids.

[Adhdmomof2 in reply to BLC89]

Thanks for the mindset check! It can be so hard to stay positive after a tough episode but I know it's true that there are countless activities we could try and making it a game is a great idea. Thanks for your reply!

[Trying1978]

Hey! I feel you! We had to give up baseball after 1 game this spring bc my son was just too wild. It was obviously going to be struggle each time & no fair to the coaches or other parents. He'd loved it for years, always been one of the strongest players on his teams but it was obvious w/ his recent struggles that he just couldn't, so we called it. Which sucked. I love taking him to games, coaching him for the occasional season when I could, just being out on or by the field with him on a warm spring or summer night away from his sisters.

But I realized he no longer liked it at all & wanted to stop when I offered it, after we talked to his doctor & she assured us he was already doing plenty of activities & that, since he was having such a hard winter/spring, it would be am obvious 1st thing to cut.

We had been trying some more ADHD-recommended activities & some had worked out well, but his therapist had always said, Well, don't avoid something like baseball just because it's not on some list & if he likes it.

Has it helped? Not really on his overall level of ADHD crisis issues, which has been high for months. But, on the other hand, we no longer have 2-3 hours twice a week of power struggle, embarrassment & him feeling like he did a bad job once the ODDish energy wears off anymore, so that's a plus.

So now he's gotten really into basketball. Playing basketball is one of the few times he really seems "in the flow of things." So win some, lose some?? Hang in there!

[NoleGal in reply to Trying1978]

I read an article recently about what sports are best for children with ADHD. Basketball was one of those sports. It’s fast and there’s not a lot of downtime between plays. Baseball is just too long between plays. Football is also too long. And I love football and so much wanted him to play football but he decided he preferred basketball so now I love basketball! 😊 The article suggested soccer too. But the article also suggested individual sports like swimming and bicycling. However, I wanted my son to be on a team because I wanted him to practice being with other kids outside of school, learn to encourage others, And work with other people towards the same goal. He loves basketball right now. I hope he doesn’t change his mind. But if he does, we will visit other sports. We have tried everything since the time he was three. Flag football, soccer, basketball, T-ball, swimming. Just keep going. I’m sure he will find something he loves. And no matter what, you’ll be excited to watch him. We are the biggest fans of our children.

[Adhdmomof2 in reply to NoleGal]

yes! The team/social aspect was something we really liked and wanted him to work on but maybe we’ll try a team sport again in a few years. We’re still working through getting the rights meds so that may help too in the future. Thank you!

[Adhdmomof2 in reply to Trying1978]

thanks for your response! My husband and I agreed by the end, I think we liked it more than the kids - like you said being outside in the nice spring weather and cheering on the kids, watching them improve and interact w the other kids was fun at times. It had to come to an end eventually anyway! It’s nice to know we’re not alone.

[Klmamma]

We all struggle with this. It sounds like he really gave it the college try. My now 9 year old changes sports every season. It drives me a little nuts bc he's good at football if he'd stick with it. I think it's his way of knowing he needs something novel each season or he's bored.

Just bc TKD is an individual sport does not mean it's ADHD friendly. My son has been advancing well, but now he's having a hard time paying attention and staying focused. He's not allowed to quit this one bc we do it as a whole family but I am letting him take a break. TKD requires a ton of discipline, focus, and standing still listening.

He's an amazing swimmer but quit swim team bc he couldn't handle how cold the water was in the winter. He's amazing at chess but doesn't want to do competitions for that.

I think there's this misnomer that ADHD kids NEED sports. They don't. They need physical activity, but not necessarily sports. My son gets pure joy out of a pickup basketball game, random football game at a park, etc. He just wants a relaxing, fun, and social time with his friends. Focus on that and not the competitive part and I think you'll both be happier.

[Adhdmomof2 in reply to Klmamma]

that’s a good point about physical activity in general not needing to be in the form of sports. I took both my sons on a jog last weekend and at least one of them seemed to like it so we’ll try more stuff like that that we can do as a family. The extra exercise wouldn’t hurt me either!

[Klmamma in reply to Adhdmomof2]

And you bonded as well. We put too much pressure on them to perform at a time of day where they know their meds have worn off and it's all starting to boil over.

Bike riding is excellent for the ADHD brain too. My son was exhausted after shooting hoops with friends two days ago. Swimming with friends, playing catch. We make it way more complicated than it really needs to be.

[Michigamer]

I can sympathize with the good days/bad days of baseball. There was a lot of inactive time for thinking and the building up of emotions so if my son had a bad experience or emotion while playing, it might build while he’s standing in the field or waiting to bat until he had a public meltdown. I also eventually found a sport that worked for him, hockey. With the short, intense shifts, he didn’t have much time to think, physicality is part of the game, and oddly outbursts by players seem expected?! Soccer was good too as long as the team gave fairly even playing time. I have a friend with ADHD who coaches his ADHD son’s wrestling team and he says it’s a great sport for ADHD kids and he has quite a few on the team. Although, it could be the coach that’s drawn them in. Having the right program/coach can make all the difference.

[Adhdmomof2 in reply to Michigamer]

that’s a good point that I never considered regarding the emotions building during the down time. My son’s anxiety gets the best of him so I think that’s prob a big part - something bad happens in the game, a missed play or whatever and then he dwells on it for the rest of the game until finally he gets struck out and just explodes. Thanks for the insight!

[Hominid711]

Let him fgs!

[Knitting20projects]

Poor buddy!!!! I think I’d let him be done. Then talk to him about what is fun for him. Our 12 year old hates basketball because he’s still afraid of the ball, & is starting to get bullied for it. He has mild autism which already makes him awkward. It’s so hard as a parent. Find something your son likes. It’s ok to end this sport!!!

[Adhdmomof2 in reply to Knitting20projects]

Yes, we decided to call it quits! His last game was on Sunday so we're officially done and although I am still a little sad to see it end, it is a relief at the same time for all of us. I think part of my hang up was worrying we were sending the wrong message that if something gets hard, quit but like everything with neurodiverse kids, it's more complicated! And after I realized that, I also took heart that he shows great perseverance with other aspects of his life that are difficult but necessary, like reading (he is also dyslexic) so he does stick with it when it's really important. Baseball on the other hand, we can live without!

Thanks for your response and good luck with your son as well! I think we will all cycle through many many sports and activities which I guess at least keeps things exciting 🙂

[Knitting20projects in reply to Adhdmomof2]

I understand. I think our kids work hard every day just to get through the day. Maybe I’m too easy on our son, but that’s why I give him a break.

[Grandk23sc]

My granddaughter does Karate and her attention and confidence has improved tremendously despite her anxiety and ADHD. She is 5 and has been in it for a year but the premise of respect and self control that the teacher reinforces during the training has helped.