Self doubt and worry about tween ADHD son

[SFBiker]

Hello fellow parents,

My son was diagnosed with ADHD and recently, we decided to take him off of stimulant medication. Overall, it’s been great, his grades didn’t plummet, he is doing ok with staying on tasks, and he has less behavioral outbursts.

There has been an issue with him being very very talkative at home. This gets much worse when he is seemingly more tired, and/or spends too much time on YouTube or playing stimulating games. Has anyone else noticed this? We have resorted to limiting screen time severely, but he still sometimes will not be quiet unless he’s watching YouTube or playing video games. We also find that he will try and sabotage family time, by acting like a jerk, if we ask him to stop playing games and come to participate.

Today in particular was rough, he was constantly talking over us or trying to get my attention if it wasn’t fully on him or if he wasn’t playing video games. I end up getting frustrated at him and basically asking him to stop talking so much. I hate doing that, but he’s struggled the past couple of years making friends in school and we get frustrated with him at home so I kinda understand why sometimes. This year there was an instance where a classmate called him annoying, which I hate, but I could see why if he’s constantly talking over people, trying to crack a joke to make people laugh, or start a conversation out of nothing all of the time.

Of course my immediate first thought is, well maybe I’m not paying enough attention to him. I constantly reevaluate how much quality time I spend with him and try to maximize this. I also work full time and he’s got a lot of school stuff to do everyday that I always find myself wishing I could spend more time with him. He’s almost 13 and I feel like his childhood is slipping away and I just want what’s best for him. I am really just venting because I constantly feel self doubt in my ability to be a good enough dad to him and I worry that he’s not gonna be able to make friends. I worry I am being too hard on him when I ask him to not talk so much, and then I feel guilt for it… I feel like I’m constantly correcting him, and that’s led to him being insecure about a lot of what he does. The problem is, I constantly catch him doing something so dumb and impulsive that I am getting frustrated with him yet again!

Sometimes I catch myself wishing he was normal and we could just have a normal father-son relationship like I see other dads have. Then, after I have scolded myself for even having that thought, I think maybe I’m the one who needs correcting and maybe I’m just not the right dad for my son. I’m sharing my story because I feel like I cannot be the only one. I worry that he’s going to drift away from me and hate me when he grows up. I love him so much and I want us to be close a he becomes a man.

Any older dads out there that went through this and made it out with their son ok?

[Tenurepollard05]

I don’t have much to add as I’m a mom and my oldest is (almost) 7, so we have yet to enter the tween zone 😩 Just wanted to say that it’s really, really hard to parent a child with ADHD. It’s hard enough being a parent to children even if you were to have a child that just seemingly soars through life somewhat effortlessly, so I just want you to know that you are not alone in that feeling. I’m constantly wondering how in the hell everyone else does this shit 😅🫢 I feel like my kids got the shit end of the stick when it comes to having me as their mom and I hate that for them. I have ADHD too, so it does make a lot of the parenting stuff even harder for me. I will say one upside to having ADHD is that it does allow me to have a lot of empathy for my son. I absolutely have moments where I can get suuuuper annoyed with both of my boys, for me triggers are things like being stuck in the car with them and they are being loud and/or arguing. My son will absolutely revert to problematic behavior as a result of his ADHD. It seems to be a way of him seeking stimulation when he is not focused on anything specific, at times perhaps he is unconsciously seeking attention, it seems to even be a way for him to release pent up emotions or frustrations sometimes. I’ve found that I tend to get really frustrated or irritated with him when I have certain expectations and his behavior is interfering with those. For example, you mentioned him talking over you and doing things like sabotaging family time. I think our kids have a really hard time expressing their emotions in a healthy way. My son has a hard time being aware of his needs (emotional and physical), his behaviors or what is bothering him. I’ve found that if I can take a moment to slow down and try to think about what is going on beneath the behavioral symptoms, that it usually lets me have a lot more empathy for my son. Then, if I can, I will stop what I’m doing or whatever I’m trying to accomplish or force into happening and just try to connect with him. This often makes a huge difference for our family! I’m the beginning it took him a while to feel vulnerable enough with me in those moments to try and express himself, but over time I feel like he’s learned to trust that I’m willing to listen to him and try not to react to what he’s saying. I try to just listen openly to what he’s feeling. I may not agree with his perspective, but I can let him know that I hear how he feels. Once I open that door and show him that I’m willing to take a minute to give him my full attention and give him the chance to talk about what’s going on with him, he will often take that moment and reflect on what really is going on with him. I’m hoping this will teach him to pay attention to his burnout level, his hunger level, his emotions, and all those other things over time. I think that’s the only way that he will really ever learn to handle these various situations better in the future. He might be bored, he might be tired, he might just feel like he needs a second for you to stop and listen to him, he might be having a rough time at school and is internalizing it. The list goes on and on. Kids with ADHD lag in their development and maturity by an estimated 25-40%. Your son is more on the level of an 8-9 year old with his executive function. I really truly think that the quality of time we give to our kids is so much more important than the quantity. As parents of kids with extra “stuff” going on, it forces us to have our shit together more than I think we would ever have to if our kids were able to regulate their own emotions and behaviors better. In the long run, if we’re able to regulate our emotions better, we are only helping our kids learn to do the same! It will improve the quality of life for everyone in the family ☺️ Before having my son, I only really knew how to function within a rigid, structured way. I’ve had to learn how to just go with the flow since having him and I’ve had to re-prioritize a lot in order to be able to focus on being really present for him mentally and supporting his emotions (routine thrown out the window, house not always clean, not always being on time for stuff due to having to slow down for him, etc 😅😬). At the end of the day, what in life is more important than our kids having the best of us you know? Even if I feel like they deserve so much more in a mom than me, I’m all they’ve got so I’ve gotta give it my best. I know my son goes through a lot of his day at school feeling uncomfortable because he’s got demands being put on him that are extremely challenging. The exhaustion that comes from fighting your brain all day must be overwhelming. There might be some ways that he can channel his emotions towards something beneficial. Maybe some kind of art or building stuff. Whatever interests him would be a good place to start trying out different ideas. Lately my son has been doing really great with sitting down and drawing. We found some YouTube “art for kids” channels and we sit and draw together. There are so many other options out there, even ones that will get him active if you think that would help. Sorry the novel, I always go on longer than I should. I hope even some small piece of my spiel serves to help you through this bumpy time!

[SFBiker in reply to Tenurepollard05]

Yeah, I think he is overwhelmed with school and he does internalize that stuff a lot.

I’m trying to block off regular quality time with him to make sure he knows my ears are always open. I just feel like shit when I’ve reached my limit and really just need him to relax but he can’t and it’s not his fault.

[MaudQ]

Can I ask why you took him off the stimulant? The talkativeness and impulsiveness are ADHD symptoms. We tend to think of medication and skills building for school, but it’s part of home life too. It doesn’t sound like you are doing anything wrong as a dad. But as a parent you might not be able to “fix” his brain chemistry. It doesn’t matter how often you catch and correct the behavior. His lack of dopamine will always get in the way. If stimulants had side effects, there are long lasting non-stimulant meds like guanfacine. Occupational therapy, sports, speech therapy, social skills - are all non drug interventions. Also … the chattiness, impulsivity, dumb jokes etc are part of his personality. Neurodivergent people will never be as even keeled as neurotypical folks. My relationship with my kid got a lot better when I separated church and state: I decided to let the psychiatrist and therapists do their jobs so I could focus on being a mom to my kid. Seriously, I don’t think your kid is going to hate you: you seem very involved and caring. Your child won’t ever be “normal” - but that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, it’s who he is. But you can work on accepting him for who he is and setting him up to succeed.

[MaudQ in reply to MaudQ]

Also. Positive feedback is the secret sauce. Like five times as much as you think 😊

[SFBiker in reply to MaudQ]

Thanks MaudQ

As far as the meds… it’s a long story. He started in medication at 5 which I honestly didn’t think was appropriate, but I am not going to goon that rant about how that happened. We decided to take him off actually as we were switching, yet again, to another different medication. Long story short, the prescription ran out right before the summer and the pharmacy couldn’t fill it for over a week! It appeared to be a blessing in disguise because we’d resided to having a very rough time with him for the next 10 days, but while he did have his ups and downs, his behavior at home dramatically improved! His attitude and mood was so much better. It really felt like I had my son back, he is a lot to handle sometimes, but he wasn’t having these huge explosions I had just accepted. After a week, we decided we’d give it a try without for the Summer and it’s worked out well. His grades haven’t plummeted, he’s grown and matured a lot, and he’s still very energetic, but he’s learning how to cope and handle it, so we decided to stick with it for now.

As far as medications, We tried all of them and none of them seemed to be a great balance to be honest. They seemed to make him more hyper and very short tempered or turn him into a sleepy zombie. Recently, his psychiatrist suggested that maybe he doesn’t suffer as much from ADHD as as does anxiety which actually makes more sense. She’s been seeing him for a few months now and she’s even said that he doesn’t seem as inattentive really, but if he’s overstimulated, he’s kinda all over the place.

[BLC89 in reply to SFBiker]

SFBiker,If the therapist suspects anxiety definitely learn more about that. ADHD meds can be a bad combo with straight up anxiety so that may be the result you are seeing.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been found to be hugely impactful for both anxiety and ADHD that may be another thing to add to the mix.

Anxiety can definitely look like ADHD when overwhelmed. Their system is doing its best to cope with all the stimulus while already in fight or flight so they really can't think straight.

Good luck with everything. Stay curious that is the best support for your kid - you are invested in them, continue to learn and will ultimately find what works.

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I work with young adults, and adults with ADHD as well as parents of ADHD. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.

[SFBiker in reply to BLC89]

Thank you BLC89, I will look into CBT!

[SFBiker in reply to MaudQ]

I do tell him all the time, my parents never really did, so sometimes I feel like I’m annoying him with how much I tell him I love him and how proud I am of who is is becoming as a person 😂

[WYMom]

Why did you take him off meds? I'd look into that again.

I have a talkative tween boy and I highly limit electronics. I always tell my kids if they are trying to beat me they'd better be prepared because I have years of experience being a pita. So, sabotaging to get video games would result in a total stoppage of all electronics for as long as it takes. The more unpleasant he is the longer I would with hold it. They learn quick.

Mine is also a talker btw. He's literally talked so much my ears hurt. ADHD Dude taught me things about that. I feel bad but I have to teach him social skills because no one else will. So he has to ask me if I am interested in hearing about blank game. If he doesn't and I am not interested I tell him. I teach all my kids conversational skills at dinner. I ask them questions and then I tell them they have to ask me questions as well. They learn. I also prep them for social events ahead of time by telling them, we are going to blank and you are going to see someone, say hello and ask them how they are doing. I prep them for school by setting tasks. I want you to come home today having asked 2 people what they did for the weekend or holiday and remember their response because I want to hear it.

It's a long road but it doesn't have to be a terrible one.

[SFBiker in reply to WYMom]

Hey WYMom I responded to the meds question above 🙂

I appreciate the tips! We actually do a lot of similar things with my son, but the asking about other people is a great suggestion and I will definitely start to work that in. It’s hard to not feel like a sibling sometimes because I have to nag him about interruptions and social skills, but like you said, his family has to teach him since nobody else will.

I read your response below and we do actually play video games together as well! We have played overcooked too, but he doesn’t take it “seriously” enough, so we mostly play Mario party and board games.

[WYMom in reply to SFBiker]

If we had a Nintendo we would be all over Mario!!!

Good luck and you are doing great, even if it doesn't feel like it

[WYMom]

I wanted to add that perhaps sharing video games might be a way to have quality time. Admittedly we are a gamer family and our middle child has a vision problem where she HAS to play video games. Crazy, I know. We have some multi player games we all play together. Cake bash, Minecraft dungeons, overcooked and plants v zombies. It's about every other week we all play games but it is a great way to bond and build teamwork. Particularly over cooked. In that game everyone has a job that has to be completed for the meals to get served. When we beat a really hard level it really makes us all feel good. My tween boy wouldn't choose over cooked but since his little sister is the one with the requirement he sucks it up.

Board games and family reading time are also a great way to bond as a family. We made my husband rage quit Monopoly a few times because my major game strategy is to win the kids over. Works like a charm

[Knitting20projects]

It sounds like you are doing great things to help him feel accepted and loved. Kids with ADHD or autism or other challenges like this get so many negative messages constantly that chip away at their self image. You sound really committed to helping him feel comfortable in his own skin. That is huge, and everyone on this board has the same goal--to understand and help their kids function and feel comfortable in the world. Keep trudging ahead--sometimes just time and maturity will help. It's possible, too, that after a while, maybe a low dose of medicine for anxiety, with a psychiatrist's guidance, might give him some relief. I understand being hesitant to try medicine again, after your past experiences. Sending you strength as you forge ahead--