My 14 y.o. son with ADHD has been having violent outbursts when things do not go his way. Last night it ended with him pushing me, cursing and throwing items and saying he wishes he was dead in front of myself and his grandmother. This occurs when he has to get off his video game, if he has to turn in his phone and computer at bed time or if he cannot have food/snacks that he wants. He is failing 3 classes, is lazy and only concerned about gaming and being on his cell phone.
It has gotten so stressful at home, there is no peace and I am so incredibly depressed that I gave birth to a child with so many problems. I do not want to do anything else for him and honestly do not care about his future. I considered having his father raise him for a period, but that involves going to court to assign him full custody. His father has been rather absent in his life except for an occasional visit once every couple months. I am at a lost at what to do about this boy.
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Janice_H
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I’m really sorry things are so stressful for you. My 13 yr old is giving me such a hard time about turning in his phone at night. I can tell when his meds wear off because everything becomes such a huge deal and he complains about everything when he’s not medicated. Is your son on any medication? I’m sorry I don’t have much advice, maybe look into changing his dose if he’s already on something?
Hi Janice,I have a 9 year old with ADHD and also teen kiddos who do not. My 9 year old watches TV as an avoidance to things and also I think its the only time when her mind is calm because she is engulfed in the show. My only thought is that there are a lot of hormones and social dynamics going on in and around a 14 year old boy. Have you looked into recalibrating his medication (not sure what he is on). Also might be good for him to get some counseling or therapy. He might have some things going on at school or friend groups that are bothering him in addition to his ADHD. In your situation, it might be necessary to reach out to a medical professional sooner rather than later. You need to take care of yourself too and I know you are at the end of your rope, but taking some action can get you on a new / better road. Can you talk to him? Can you guys agree on some snacks he could have, rather than focusing on what he can’t have, find something new? Take him to the store with you? Could he earn extra video game time with good behavior? 14 years old is such a hard time for boys with changes going on + social pressures at school and overall feeling that “parents just don’t get me” + covid circumstances have forced a lot of kids into depression too. As hard as this is, there is likely a perfect storm going on with many dynamics contributing. Small things can sometimes make a big difference…hoping you can find something that will give you a good day soon…and then you can build on that for another good day to follow.
Hi Janice, my 14 yr old son also has ADHD & it got to the point that all he cared about was gaming/watching YouTubers game. Nothing else mattered anymore. Kids w/ADHD are so prone to screen/tech addiction. I had to take drastic steps & send him to a treatment center for kids w/gaming addiction. They worked with him on understanding his feelings/emotions/behaviors. After 5.5 mos he’s back home, I no longer allow computer use except for homework, he doesn’t have a phone, and I only allow TV ( movie night w/me) on Friday and Saturday nights. I’m working with a Parent Coach who hAs worked w/kids & addiction, and I’m working on my personal boundaries & holding firm to boundaries I set as the parent. The treatment center wasn’t cheap, but it gave me my son back & a more normal life. I encourage you to look into local resources that can help you to address his screen/tech addiction, also revisit his medications with his doctor (psychiatrist). A book that has been a lifesaver for me is Parenting Teens with Love and Logic”… I wish I’d found this book years ago. I know this is HARD, especially when we’re doing it on our own. Be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can in a very challenging situation. Take deep breaths, stay calm and be firm. I pray my story/suggestions will give you strength and help you.
I agree with the information in the earlier responses. There needs to be a bit of a reset for you personally (a moment to step away - anything that would allow you at least a small break) and for you both.
I think sometimes the struggles break down our will and anything else that goes with it. The thing that is the battle, is the thing that requires most of your strength to put boundaries around. And it sucks!
I wish there was an easier way to do what is needed. I hear every thing you are saying. My child is 10 years old. It has been quite a journey so far.
So sorry you are going through this - some of the biggest conflicts in our home have been about screen time. I agree with the above posters that you need to get some kind of time or space for yourself. I was really helped by my therapist and also by my daughters therapist who helped me understand why my kid was behaving in certain ways. Somehow this helped me understand that my kid wasn’t a bad kid and I wasn’t a bad mom. Being “lazy”, failing classes, eating junk food and escaping into screens might all be a kind of avoidance. Does he have depression or anxiety? That would definitely lead to behaviors you’re describing. On one hand, your son is going to have to choose for himself if and how he wants to engage with his issues. But I would say that tweaking meds, making sure his 504 is doing what it should and therapy (maybe even family therapy?) could help. I’ve always had the most success when I try to be on a team with my kid. When it turns into a power struggle we are doomed. I’m so with you on this - it’s not easy at all and we have our better days and worse days. There were times when I could have written your post myself. Keep reaching out to this group.
I should also have added that physical aggression is not ok. I don’t know how big your son is, but if you feel unsafe, that’s something to take seriously. Can you remove yourself from the conflict? Can you return to the topic when things are calmer and talk about it?
He is rather overweight and much taller than I am. I do not feel threatened at all but need the respect I deserve. Its hard to remove myself because there really is no one else to oversee the situation when he snaps. Thanks for your advice
Hello. We have implemented a number of things across the board that seem to have reduced stress and improved the situation in our home. 1. diet--we cut out processed food, decreased sugar intake (virtually no sweets during the week), by organic fruits and veggies end eliminated food dyes (I even switched to Olly brand vitamins which don't have artificial. colors).
2.exercise-30 minutes per day
3. limit screen time-i know it is easier said than done.
4. Daily meds-methylphenidate
5. aromathy-I have a diffuser with lavender that i use in our child's room
6.read/implemented the strategies n Russel Barkley's "12 Principles for Raising a Child with ADHD"--I listened to it as an audio book.
I can sense your desperation and pain. It is difficult I know but you can get through this.
Great advice from all, so I won't repeat. Just wanted to share something I read about what happens the brain when a child plays video games. Specifically note what happens when they finish. Lots of info in the article, but the point that sticks with me is: when a child plays a video game their brain is hyper aroused. Even though it looks like their quiet and chilling, their brain is in hyperdrive. With this is mind, it's hard for the child to just 'quit' and go to bed. They need time to transition from hyper aroused to a relaxed state. So, give him time to transition. Maybe come up with a transition activity? Meditation would be ideal or a simple walk outside for 10 mins with no electronics. Last thought, don't take his words personally. When he said "I hate you" in front of grandma he did it for effect. When kids go into explosive fits, they are insane creatures for that time. Don't put any value on his words, don't let em sink in or cling to them. mayoclinichealthsystem.org/....
Hello. I am sorry for the difficulties you are facing, and sorry for your son as well who I am sure dislikes getting caught in his own negative emotions. From your message, it appears as though transitions are the pain points. Perhaps you and he can work out a way to make the transitions more gradual? Perhaps if he has buy in to the solution he will be more amenable to accountability?
Also, for the intense emotions: I found that when my son, who is now almost 21, was flooded with emotions he (a) had difficulty extricating himself from them, and (b) felt shame about the feelings. He would even hide his face so that I couldn't look at him and pull away when I tried to hug him. I realized that he needed some space to recoup. Instead of just walking away (which inevitably led to him saying "Why are you walking away?" or "Why are you ignoring me?") I would tell him that I'm going to give him some personal space and I will sit over there (somewhere close but not facing him) and he could let me know when he was ready. This seemed to help him. I should note that my son's emotional outbursts usually occurred when he was frustrated by school work. He also took long with transitions, but I tend to be lenient. ADHD medication combined with anti-anxiety medication plus maturity (14 is not an easy time) helped stabilize emotions.
I acknowledge how rattling the intense emotions can be. Shook me to my core--both in frustration with my son, and in sadness for him. If possible, find time for yourself each week. Hold his father more accountable to spending time. Don't send him to live with his dad, though, because you've been the main person on the journey with him. Even though it may not feel like it, you are the person he trusts with his difficult emotions.
My son is 15 with ADHD , ODD and. microcephaly . He does gets a bit agitated when He has to stop playing. But When He does. The next day I take the controls away and remind him that he eill not be playing if he is rude and get angry because when has to stop He is not allowed to play this day. I'm firm and don't allowed him to play. Also 9:00 pm is the time to stop so he can get ready to go to sleep. I keep going in his room to reminding him to get ready to stop half hour before is time. It has gotten better Is not that bad but there are days he will ask for 15 more minutes to finish a game and if he asks I will let him . But I had been taking the cell phones and games controllers for a long time. It has worked for me For both kids . I also have a 13 year old that is a bit worse then him . Still working with meds. And of course prayers to keep me sane. My prayers for you and all the parents here struggling with our children.
Start with reading the Russel Barkley book on what adhd really is - a disability in neurological processing - you can stop blaming yourself and start finding strategies.
ADHD often have trouble with transition between activities like you describe so it’s up to you to help them through these transitions. I set a timer and give a five minute “game time is ending” warning. When he protests and complains I say I know it’s hard to end the game, I make him give it to me and then I leave the room. Take the game out of his room and put it in the common area. It’s a privilege not a right.
Listen to all these podcasts they are amazing and you will feel less alone and more knowledgeable
When my 13 year old gets to this point, we take his games away for a few days. He actually recognizes that he is a different person when he is not playing. He becomes more calm, sweet and family oriented. When he has the game, those go out the window. We started limiting time, which has actually helped. It was hard in the beginning, but we kept reminding him why and reminding him that the option was some or none. Also, he had horrible meltdowns coming down from his previous medication. He's been on Adzenyz for just over 2 years, and it's made a real difference for us.
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