“Fix” your son

[Tiredmama8713]

I was told to “fix” my son or my boyfriend is leaving. Yet he has also tried to help implement punishments with no avail. How do you deal with relationships and taking care of a child with ADHD. I’ve taken every step I know of to help my son he is on medication and has therapy. My boyfriend wants to pick at every move he makes and well with ADHD it’s not hard to find a problem if that’s all you look for in a child. My son has gone through a new bout of hitting which Is not something he generally does...anyone have suggestions for this?! As well as not listening! It’s so hard I do my research and understand some of the deficits ADHD gives a child. However, I don’t want may son to use ADHD as an excuse not to behave. Where is that line? It’s so hard facing so much judgement Constantly. He is not a “bad” kid. He has a great heart and when he finds his niche he is very focused on it. He is a smart little guy but I feel like he has so many hurdles to jump with ADHD. I feel like I’m failing as a parent. I’ve read the books, I’ve done research, and i still feel lost. I see a lot of videos, books, articles that tell you why they do said behavior but not how to help them. To top it all off I’ve studied psychology and I’ve taken the behavior modification courses. But they just don’t seem applicable to him.

[Onthemove1971]

Welcome to the group, we are glad you found us and we just want to give you a big hug..

This is a journey and there are many ups and many downs. We all love our kids and want a magic cure so no one struggles.

We were told when we started seeing a psychiatrist ( who has really made a difference for us), that medication only changes about %60 of behavior( if that is not the case, you may need to try a different type), the other will be helped with therapy and the way we parent. I do find this to be true for us.

Our son is 13 years old so we have had a long time to get stable and learn how to deal with things.

You mentioned punishment, most of the time I find it effective to work in the future. So for example, our son unloads the dishwasher daily, one day he refused to do it. I told he ok, while trying to not scream at him. I changed the subject and that night I locked up his phone and when he went to get it the next day, I told him he would not get it back that day because he decided he didn't want to do the dishes. We also have 2 dishwashers and therefore he had to do double the work because they were both full.

Anyone that doesn't fully understand ADHD, could say fix him. But there are many amazing qualities our children possess and we would not want to change them either.

Best of luck with your son and relationship.

We are always here to support you.

[mplaz]

Hello! I understand your feelings of trying everything but never getting anywhere all too well. If consequences only worked! They don’t with my daughter. We had to totally change the way we do things to a system of positive reinforcement. If we want her to do something, she should get an incentive or a reward. So, if we know she loves to play on her Nintendo, we can say, go empty the garbage cans and you can have 10 minutes of Nintendo. Or, beat the timer putting on your clothes and you can have iPad time. Picking at your son is probably only going to make him more rebellious, or more anxious that he can’t do anything right. Our daughter sometimes has meltdowns over feeling “inadequate”. Try to set goals that he can accomplish, set him up to win. These are things that have helped us, I hope they help you too. I also hope your boyfriend understands that this is a lifelong condition that cannot simply be “fixed” overnight. It’s a process, with a lot of trial and error. You’re doing the best you can, and he should give you a lot of credit for that. You are a great mom.

[RichSeitzOceanNJ]

You came to the right place so listen to those who have been through the same battles you're facing. Kids are never perfect, heck adults aren't either. ADHD kids have a tougher row to hoe. Medication and therapy should help but each takes time to find the correct balance. In the mean time, find out how to use positive reinforcement effectively. Google the Pax Good Behavior Game and look up Pax Tools for parents on you tube.

The PAX Good Behavior Game is based on multiple “gold standard” studies of classrooms and teachers in the US, Canada, and Europe. PAX GBG may be the most effective strategy a teacher can currently use in his or her classroom to protect children from lifetime mental, emotional, and behavioral disorders while also increasing lifetime academic success.

Everything in PAX was invented by teachers at one time or another, and then tested by fire by some of the world’s best prevention or behavioral scientists. You will find references for replicated scientific studies—most of which can be found at pubmed.gov (the National Library of Medicine). Only one of the hundreds of studies related to the tools in PAX GBG is by the developers of PAX GBG. The science is truly worldwide, spanning the United States, Canada, several European Countries, Africa, and findings from First Nations or Tribes.

There are more scientific studies about the components of PAX GBG than virtually any other universal prevention strategy for classrooms.

As PAX has evolved, an emphasis on parent/family support has emerged. PAX tools are now being developed that families need to reinforce the strategies children are learning through the Good Behavior Game. By utilizing parent/family peer specialists who are PAX trained, we predict enhanced outcomes for children and their families.

Pax Breaks

youtu.be/0KgkB8LOgAg(Not working as expected?)

Pax Tools intro

youtube.com/watch?v=t952q7_...(Not working as expected?)

Pax Amends

youtube.com/watch?v=LcltrjA...(Not working as expected?)

Good luck and keep trying. He will improve, it just takes longer.

[mplaz in reply to RichSeitzOceanNJ]

Thank you for including these videos!

[reg2018]

I'm so sorry that you're placed in the middle of your boyfriend and your son. What a hard spot to be in. ADHD isn't something to be fixed. I'm a 50-year-old mother with ADHD with 3 out of 4 sons with ADHD. I manage my symptoms but they're not fixed, and I'm still learning how ADHD affects my youngest and he's now 15.

ADHD also isn't an isolated thing. There can be additional diagnoses that accompany it which can add to the symptoms. One of my sons also has sensory processing problems as well as ODD and a couple more. This adds to the research but can add to your understanding of what else might be going on.

Changing behavior takes a long time, it takes a lot of patience, and as others have said, it's great to have a support group like this who have been there and are it the thick of it so you know you're not alone.

[seller]

I would like to address the real issue at heart here: the fact that your boyfriend is definitely not "in the game". I think you need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to continue seeing him. Because your ADHD son will not be "fixed" for many many years - maturity usually happens at about age 24! Raising an ADHD child is a long hard process with lots of bumps in the road along the way. You do not need a partner who is not on your side AND who is not on your son's side. You need someone who loves both of you and can show empathy and understanding. As far as your son's recent behavior - he could be responding in his own way towards your boyfriend's punitive tactics. Please take some time and consider if this is a relationship that is more harmful than helpful.

[Myrtty]

Based on what you wrote, I would say here's your hat. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. You and your son need someone more empathetic.

[penn_adhd]

Fix him or he's leaving? Bye.

[RichSeitzOceanNJ]

ADHD is never fixed although medications and therapy can help greatly. Pax used in school trains the brain in self control and can do wonders if used from K-6... BUT with time there are a few advantages (don’t shoot me yet).

An adult friend of mine with ADHD is a tremendous carpenter, gets things done fast and is able to focus so it’s done right. When he visits he can’t sit and relax for long if he sees something that needs to be fixed. Making a good living. Still tough on his wife but she manages. There is hope.