My son is ruining my second marriage

[Ontheedgeofbreakdown]

I have been remarried for 5 years but my husband has been in my son's life for 12. My son has always had issues adhd, epilepsy and odd. As he became a teenager the anger and manic behavior became out of control. It has caused constant turmoil in my house. My husband is very black and white and can't understand why my son just can't "stop". My son was recently diagnosed as bipolar and has not become stable yet. My husband says he can no longer handle the disrespect and episodes. I feel stuck between saving my son and my marriage. How do you figure out what is the illness and what is teenage bad behavior. How do I get my husband to understand. We are currently talking divorce because we don't khloe how to stop the arguing and turmoil.

[EJsMom]

Would they go to counseling as a family? Understanding each other’s perspective goes a long way.

Or even just your husband talking to someone who can really explain the illness could help him.

Also it could give them both coping skills to try.

I’m so sorry your going through this!

[Dad4two]

I can relate. I have two teens with ADHD and got remarried after my first wife died. We tried everything to make our home calm and loving and safe. It ended up being toxic and chaotic. My wife and I didn't see things the same way at all. My wife insisted that my kids behaviors we voluntary and mostly directed at driving her away and getting my attention. We tried everything including all kinds of counseling. We separated about 2 years ago and live the same town. I finished raising my kids on my own and she finished raising hers on her own. We're not divorced, but I can't say where we'll end up. But I will say that my kids did very well after our home life changed. They graduated High School with honors and are scheduled for college. Our home is quiet, peaceful, safe and orderly. I will never go back to the life I had and have learned to accept and live the life I have now.

[seller]

I have to 2 things to say (and both of which may be quite unpopular).....

I know that we are parents and we would do most anything for our kids, but in a marriage, you must put your husband first. I am guessing that a big part of your son's behavior is to split you and your husband apart. Do not minimize your kid's abilities to do this; it's fairly common with step-parents. You and your husband must be a team and he has to know that he comes first. Your son comes second. That does not mean you don't love your son, but very few marriages survive if both spouses don't put each other first. You don't say if your son's father is in the picture... could he take his son more often or even move him there? Another possibility, especially if your son is violent and out of control, is to consider putting him in residential treatment for a year or so. Finally, I would definitely sign up for some marriage counseling. Don't include your son yet....and he may not end up being a factor anyway. But run, don't walk to the phone, because as bad as it is now, I can tell you from past experience that trying to parent a defiant ADHD teen will be a lot worse if you're alone.

[Momofze]

Hello, I am sorry you are going through this. I wrote a similar post a few weeks ago in frustration and there were a lot of kind responses. I also recently came across a book called "Cure Your Child With Food" by Kelly Dorfman (I found it in another post here) and it has taught me so much about health and nutrition and how they affect everyone (adhd or not). I haven't put it into practice yet because I am going to discuss some of it with my doctor tomorrow but I really think it is worth a read for everyone! For someone who is at the last straw, it couldn't hurt to try, maybe it can help you too. A lot of people have suggested therapy as well. The therapy can help you and your husband heal and in conjunction with what the book suggests it may also help your son settle down. It's really easy to read and has lots of examples, I finished it in a few days. Good luck! I hope you are able to find the help you need!

[EJsMom]

My second marriage ended in divorce in part because of our differences in raising my son. Sad.

My ex also cheated on me, so there was that. Lol. I can chuckle about it now but I was devastated at the time.

It really is so difficult to blend families. Heck it’s hard enough if the families are the original two parents with kids!!

My third husband and I are doing great though. We both have one child at home and both have ADHD. So we both understand the kids much better.

I guess I’m a romantic, since I haven’t given up and become bitter after everything.

Good luck to everyone out there just trying to hack their way through life!

[ADHDforever]

As much as ADHD and other problems can help explain poor behaviour not having healthy boundaries can make things even more difficult. I hope you managed to find a balance between helping your child and saving your marriage. For me, I find it troubling that counselling and therapy can be so expensive when people often need professional support services. Two is company and three is a crowd makes the dynamic even more complicated. You feel like you are stuck in the middle, while your child and husband feel like you are taking sides. It isn't a tightrope that is healthy for anyone to walk without a good safery net. I really hope you got safely to the other side.