New to the ADHD Parents Community & Need advice

[TheFightGoesOn]

I'm raising my 7 yr old niece that has ADHD, not even sure how long she's had it either but know she's it had for the 3 years she's been with me so far. It's been a ride, I'll tell ya that. Another thing too, to keep in mind when I ask this advice is; she also suffers from multiple traumas. She's been abused before. She does receive treatment for trauma & ADHD. Therapy for both. She's also on medications.

Now, the biggest issue right now is, she's always, always, getting into everything & either damaging things beyond repair, using things up completely, stealing money, stealing things from teachers & students, and sometimes even getting into things that care be extremely dangerous to herself. A lot of the dangerous things (medications being the biggest at one point) are all usually locked away in a safe now, others that cannot be locked up, are stored where she either not see or reach. We are always doing everything that we can possibly think of to keep her safe. This even includes me sleeping downstairs in the living room on the couch, right next to where her bedroom has been for 2 years now. She does tend to have really bad dreams & also suffers from separation anxiety.

Sometimes there are moments that we cannot always keep tabs on her, such as while I am cleaning my house & my husband is just chilling on his computer, supposed to keep his eye on her. She'll get into something. This happened yesterday, (using this as just one example out of so many in one day) after I was doing something in my living room, he was on his computer in the library, she was to be outside playing, I kept hearing our back door open & close a lot, I was getting concerned & told my husband to make her stay in or out period.

When, later that day, I decided to step out back to take time for me, just to breath because it was a really tough day for me, actually, a really tough weekend, my husband was in the ER, he was really sick & still is not out of the woods yet, after I got down sitting on the chair on the deck & letting my tears roll out (I was alone, I never do that with the kids around), I got up & noticed a bunch of white foamy stuff on a leaf & then in a flower pot. I knew who did it of course. My niece told me earlier that afternoon she was playing around with sunblock though & I just let it go. I did not feel like dealing with it at the moment. But when I have seen that foamy stuff, I called to my husband to show him, we both called her outside too show her & ask her.

Now, this is every single time we or I ask her anything when we see she done something wrong, "I don't know!" I asked her why she wasted the shaving care (yes I knew it was that.), I didn't, she says. She's a broken record each time she's caught.

How do I teach her that taking something of someone's without asking, no matter who's it or what it is, is called stealing & make her truly understand? Her father was in jail for a long while for stealing & I am trying so hard to have her not go down that path. She's been stealing, taking, & hiding things from every & from everywhere for the entire time she's been with us & I have tried nearly everything I can think of to teach her not to. Charts, writing assignments, taking toys away, taking tv time away, taking snacks away, having her with me everywhere I go, time out chairs, corners, everything. I do reward her good behavior as well. I have always told her, Good Gets Good, Bad Gets Bad.

I'm just so scared that she's going to turn out like her father, which I tried preventing by having custody of her from the start. We don't raise our voices either when she does any of this bad stuff. We, especially me, with my own problems, take a huge breath & then just talk, & ask, & explain. But get nowhere.

I'm lost here. Even just now, I'm sitting here asking, what have you learned from this lesson, after she, yet again, took something without asking for it first, and now we have don't have it for when we need it. My head just keeps spinning because I explained to her that it's stealing plus now we don't have for when we need it & we don't have money for another one until later in the week.

[abryans]

Hi- It sounds like you are drowning- so much going on! I am not an expert at all, but it sounds like your niece needs a lot of support- if she knows about her dad's issues (they say there are no secrets in families, kids hear things), she is probably pretty worried about herself, too. The taking things, spraying shaving cream etc. are signs of impulsivity and she needs help learning the executive function skills that give her needed self control. Try not to label her as dishonest or bad. We work with my son on "think before you say/do".

The thing that I believe in the most is playing with kids. For at least 20 minutes a day, let her pick an activity (not tv or video games). It could be legos, blocks, art, dolls, tag, singing, dancing- what ever she wants. Don't make it contingent on anything. It is her special time, even on her worse days. The relationship building between you and the chance for her to feel like the center of positive attention no matter what is incredibly helpful. We adults are so busy with our responsibilities, sometimes we don't have a chance to just be with our kids. Your niece has had enormous losses- my son was adopted at three weeks old and once asked me how his biological mother could "give him away". I am so glad that this little girl has you.

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to abryans]

Two things you have mentioned to do in here, I/we have & still do with her. We've been trying to teach her to stop to think before she's about to take something that is not hers & to stop to think about what she's about to say to someone before she says it. We've gone as far as creating a stop sign for her even. Teaching her that, stopping & thinking helps you think how it would make you feel if it was done to you. Reversing the role. Been doing that with her for a very long time & just doesn't get anywhere. When I went to wake her just today, I found she took money from us during the time we were sleeping. She must've woke at some point & roamed around again.

We also do take time in our day, try our best, to spend it with her, doing something only she likes to do. Most times, it is just her & I, one on one. Husband works during the day & teen doesn't want t do anything but be a hermit in her room all day long. So, it's always just me & my niece.

It is also very hard for me when she talks of her father. I actually had him message me 2 nights ago. I lost it with him. He wanted ME to try to remember to video chat him when I had a free moment the next day. I straight out told him that I am not & will never want to be held accountable to remember to video chat him so HE can talk to his daughter. Every single day I am busy. I'm lucky to remember to if I fed our dog his morning can of food. Then he went on a rant about how I never gave him my hours the last time he contacted me. Which I told him was a lie, showed him it was & told him I had enough & he needs to start to communicating more with his daughter because he's truly messing her up. He's doing to her what our parents had done to us when we were children. My brother & I grow up in the system almost our entire childhood. Always lied about when they would call & visit. My brother lives with his girlfriend & her daughters & just had another daughter of his own with this girlfriend of his.

All I want to do is protect my niece from being even more damaged than she already is. I fear that if I do video chat him for her, she meets her new sister, she will not have any further communication for another 6-12 months.

When we all signed the temporary custody papers, I did not expect it to turn out to be 3 & 1/2 years & we still have custody of our niece. I thought that my brother, who is the same age as me for 2 whole days, should be wise enough to know how to get a steady job, find a steady house, & retain custody of his own daughter. Not go & worry about children that are not his & shack up with another woman & have another child with her, all while someone else is trying so hard to take care of the one child you've should've been worrying about the entire time.

I don't regret it. Especially not now, after that message with him the other night. He truly seemed to only worry about what he had there at the moment. He tried blaming me for the lack of communication when it has always been him. I don't regret signing those papers at all now. I truly see that he doesn't care how much damage he has caused her & still causes her today. That is the scarest part of all of this. It's sad.

Sorry for ranting. I always do that. That message that night took me for a loop & made me so mad. Made me see my own life flash before my eyes & fear for my nieces life too. Gave me more to protect her from too.

Children with ADHD, trauma, & whatever else she has, is the biggest thing for a parent to handle. Especially for a parent that also has to take care of her own mental health as well. I've been trying to keep myself together just so that I can keep my niece together. That's one of the reason I came to this site. Great to meet people that can hopefully give me pointers, ideas, etc.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to TheFightGoesOn]

Big deep breaths.. Know that we are here to support you.

I have a few questions for you. What does she do, like structured time during the day?

For example, our son is very athletic so he is outside shooting basketballs, he does other sports which he has access to the equipment. When he is not outside, he has a puzzle waiting or he draws. These 2 he often does while watching TV. We limit all electronics for him.

You say she is on medication, does she take something to help stop the impulsive behavior? The things you say she does are all related to impulse control.

Also, what is happening in the therapy? Many of the issue you talk about should be addressed during these times so the counselor can help you not be the bad guy all the time.

I am going to be really honest, there are things that can not be repair that happen. What we don't want to do is always be punishing her for what she can't control.

Thank you for helping this girl and I hope you can get some assistance with her soon.

Sorry your husband is also sick.

Take care,

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to Onthemove1971]

She does a lot of crafting, drawing, building with blocks, she plays outside with the dog or just by herself (most times with the dog). We do allow some constructive computer time, learning websites because she does have a learning disability, we also limit this time to at least 30 minutes, depending on what I am doing at the time she's on there, up to an hour max, but, always learning as she's on there.

She goes to therapy for 2 different things, one for her ADHD & one for trauma. She's gone through so much in such a short time. I actually got into a heated battle in a message with her father on Sunday about some of the trauma he's been bringing on her. Telling him that he's been doing to her what our parents have done to us when we were her age & I'm here doing everything in my power to keep her mental health as under control as I possibly as can.

He just had another baby a few days ago & made a point where he's starting a new life without making an effort to bring back his daughter I'm taking care of into his new life. It's the most depressing thing ever. My poor niece is suffering so much while her father is doing nothing for her.

But, back to the point, she's in therapy for 2 things. I made sure of it because I knew she needed it. The medication she takes now, I don't really like because it only last about 6 hours & then she takes sleep medications at night. Most times they don't work either. She's still up in the middle of the night getting into things.

She takes Dextroamp-Amphet 30 MG in the morning as well as Divalproex Sodium 125 MG. At night she takes the Divalproex again, Melatonin 10-15 MG, & Clonidine .1-.2 Mg. What I do want to ask her Dr about when I see him on the 10th is a completely different medication for her. I did some research on it actually. It's called Intuniv/Guanfacine. I did the research after reading something about the Dextroamp becoming a risk factor for psychosis. I just knew that was the last thing that I wanted for my niece. May see as well, what more we can figure out, or what different thing we can try to help her stay sleeping at night.

I've been sleeping downstairs in our living room, on the couch for 2 & 1/2 years now because it's right next to her bedroom. We had nowhere else to make her room in our house. The only other bedroom was taken by our teenage daughter. The only other spare, remotely looking room in our house, was downstairs. Has no door on it, but, she doesn't really need.

I've been needing to be down there because of her wake-ups, her walking around in the middle of the night, & getting into everything while everyone else (aside from me, most times) was sleeping. If I was not there for her, not sure I even want to know what I would come downstairs to every morning. So, I still need to figure out some way to help her sleep through the night.

[Pennywink]

Welcome!

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you all are going through, especially your niece. She has a lot to overcome, and it is going to be hard work.

Have you brought these concerns up to your prescribing physician and the therapist? They should have some insights and suggestions for you, or maybe a different treatment plan is needed. I know the impulsivity of ADHD can be the most maddening part of it all.

Kids (and adults!) with ADHD are much less mature than a typical person of their age - @ 3 years immature (other estimates say 30%.) So she may really be more like a 4 year old. Many kids with ADHD don't do well with being bored, so I know many parents who benefit from a lot of structure & preplanned activity. (Thankfully my 7 year old is pretty good at keeping himself occupied in a non-destructive way. Though it frequently leads to many missing batteries. lol!) Also, people with ADHD have typically have some working memory deficits and lack of foresight. What helps us is to have everything in the visual - posted rules, reminders, lost of dry erase board notes around the house. Though I know you said you didn't have much luck with the stop sign (which was a great idea!)

Stress and tiredness can also exacerbate impulsivity. Does she sleep well? If my 7 year old doesn't get 11 hours at night, we pay for it for the rest of the week. Though given her history, stress can definitely be a factor here. I'm not as versed in helping with that (so hopefully your therapist is a big help here.) But I would imagine just giving her consistency and structure and lots of love and a safe place are going to pay off for her future.

I'm sorry to hear about her father. My cousin had his father leave and start a new family while he was about the same age - and it tore his little heart. That bond was never repaired with his biological father. But thankfully my aunt made a wiser choice with her second husband - so having his mother and a great father-figure still help him become who he is today (happily married with kids & a successful career in finance), and spurred him to be a much better father than his birth father was.

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to Pennywink]

In the beginning I tried charts with stickers, smiles, stars, etc, & when she earned anything on them, she did get a reward at the end of the week if she had more ""good" things on the chart(s) then bad, such as money to buy what ever she wanted, a trip to the fair, a trip to her favorite play place, etc.

We still reward her for all her good behaviors at the end of each day. With me, however, I reward her the moment she has done the good thing because of how bad her impulses can be. I make sure we usually have all of her favorite healthy snacks at hand or her favorite tiny reward toys from the $1.00 store.

It just seems that, no matter how much we show her that good will get good, her impulses do take more control than anything else does. It has been mentioned during each visit. The last time that I mentioned it & medications have changed, her doctor actually had the nerve to say to me, or better yet, ask me "why don't you just give her away because you look too tired!?" Granted, I did look tired. I was. I'm dealing with a lot of my own things on top of taking care of her, but, I'm doing it, she comes first & then I do what I can for me when I can. But he made me mad. I just told him, no, the systems broken & I wanted to do this because she needs me & I need her. Now help me help her! He did of course. But yeah, that's the way they think in a place like that sometimes, when they see a worn out parent coming in with their children with disabilities.

I just hope with the idea I have to bring him with next time, he'll listen & not treat me like a piece of crap parent.

[Pennywink in reply to TheFightGoesOn]

Wow - I’m not sure what your options are, but I’d definitely consider switching doctors if possible.

It sounds to me like everything you’ve done has been on the right track. I find the impulsivity the hardest to deal with. The thing is, they KNOW what they are suppose to do. But in the moment, they just can’t access / act on that knowledge. And later they feel bad about it, which starts a cycle of bad behaviors. So it’s a weird balance of being understanding yet also holding them accountable. I can’t say we have the perfect solution. My son’s stimulant medication helps a lot once it kicks in. Otherwise, we sometimes try to role-play things he struggles with during a calmer time. Sometimes if I can get something into a habit that he doesn’t really have to think about anymore, it helps. But yes - immediate rewards are key. Same as punishment (though they do not have to be severe, just immediate.) It also helps if it is connected to the behavior. If my son made a mess with shaving cream, I’d calmly but immediately make him clean it up (he may need me to write out the steps for him), and possibly give me money for a new can.

But I really admire you for championing her and taking care of her. For many abused kids, the main difference if they make it through to a decent adulthood is having one good adult in their life. I think it’ll make all the difference. I’ll pray for you all!

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to Pennywink]

It's a hard thing for me to juggle & understand in a way. Yes, it is the impulse part of her ADHD also, her father was also in jail for a while for theft. Her father's exes have stolen things as well while in her presence. So, it can really be a mix. I'm not sure. But I am trying all I can think of for her. Like, when she does it, I ask her, what if you woke up one morning & found your Wonder Woman doll missing & just cannot find it anywhere? How would that make you feel? She'd tell me really sad. I'd point it out that it's exactly how I felt when I found out that my money was missing out of my phone this morning. I was sad because I did not have that money to give to your Uncle for work & it also made your Uncle really upset because he didn't have the money for gas to get all the way to work. I just rolled out the chain of events that can happen when she takes something from someone. The effects it can have on anyone in the home. Sometimes it's not as complex. Sometimes it's very simple. Like dog food. OMG yes, dog food even.

And yes, I was considering another Dr for a while. IF after this visit he tends to treat me like I'm a loser & stupid, especially after all my deep dive research, I'm asking for another. I just doing what I need to do to get my niece proper care & treatment.