ADHD 11 year old daughter - need to start meds

[alexlw85]

Hi, I am so glad I have found this forum. I have very little opportunity to meet other parents of ADHD kids and you really cant have meaningful discussion with parents who don't get it.

A bit about us... my daughter was diagnosed at 7 and at the time we were put through some excellent courses - for me as a parent and for her. Her course was about identifying her behaviors and learning her personal tools for calming. She got to play with all the fidget toys and textured objects you can imagine. It turned out she really benefited from the calming effect of playing with slime - which she would do all the time! We used to buy her the supplies and she would make her own - and a huge mess all the time - but it did help.

We decided to trial medication - but we were not invested and the first one we tried was not a good fit so we decided to try our luck without it and I fine tuned my parenting to her needs and managed to get a satisfactory level of communication and discipline through her ADHD blinkers. My technique was to not give the attention to negative behaviors (or minimal attention if needed for safety reasons) and let her calm down before having a brief 'what can we do better next time' chat. If I did react (and of course I did sometimes!!) the behavior would escalate dramatically. Recognising her efforts gave her a boost and we have gotten by for the last 4 years ok.

She's grown out of that now, and also reached puberty and we have a whole new child to deal with. I would say her ADHD is much worse, with less coping mechanisms and more emotions. It feels so hard to parent - like nothing gets through and we have decided medication is a must! In fact it is well overdue. We are just getting by, surviving it at the moment. There are very few nice moments - although the ones we have I cherish. It feels like she is reacting to almost ANYTHING I say and I am struggling to get her to do anything - unless it is on her terms. My previous parenting techniques don't work - she gets hell bent on getting right up into my face and is taller than me and strong - it takes both me and her dad to get her into her room for time out and then she literally screams over and over or bashes the door. She has injured herself several times in her rages and she has injured, scratched, bruised, kicked and punched me on several occasions.

I have a 10 year old son who is hyperactive but not ADHD - but he is getting really impacted now and is behaving badly - seeing what his sister does and trying it too - however he is compliant. I am sick of him being exposed to these crazy over the top reactions and thinking that it is ok. It is so hard to be fair. He thinks she is getting away with things. The reality is that she is, but she is different. It is not OK but I need to be careful and I have some new learning to do to (and need the meds!!) When I really put my foot down with her and insist on the most basic of things being done properly it escalates so dramatically - this leads to when she ends up hurting herself. At the moment she has too much power and I just don't know what to do. Last week she smashed a jar on the kitchen bench, cut her finger and got glass stuck in it, because I would not let her have anything to eat until she did her dishes. I won in the end, if you can call it that, at the cost of not just that but her purposefully bleeding all over my bed and spreading blood all over the house, throwing all the felt pens and coloring pencils around the house and about an hour of screaming and shouting and stomping around and full volume. I just can't bear it. I can't parent this.

Same thing at school... I had her teacher last week telling me just how awful my daughter is... ah and she is being awful. It is horrible to hear. I asked if there was anything good??? Unfortunately the only time it is good (like at home) is when she is on her own terms. If it's an activity she likes... fine.

Another battle that is new is the resistance to doing anything!! We want to go out and do family activities, to TRY and create some happy memories and enjoy ourselves but most of the time she doesn't want to do ANYTHING. We end up dragging her out (which makes it so stressful!!) and she will resist and resist and give attitude and be horrible. Eventually she will often enjoy herself but it is almost not even worth it.

Anyway that is my situation in a nutshell. I look forward to starting the meds (appointment is next week!!) and hopefully learning to navigate tween ADHD - a whole new ballgame!

[Onthemove1971]

Wow.. you guys have a lot going on.. big hugs for surviving this.

Yes, she needs medication and I strongly encourage you to have her seen by a child psychiatrist. When a child has these types of ADHD issues, control becomes a major issue.

As a parent I pick my battles and don't push things when I don't want a battle.

When you get the proper medication (this takes a while if trial and error) so please start asap.

I try to think long term and know our son will have to move out and do things on his own, so if he doesn't do dishes at our house he will when he has a house of his own.

I would also really recommend her seeing a thearpist to help her deal with everything ( school, peers, family, having ADHD, etc..)

Hope these suggestions help.

[Cjkchamp]

Your story hits home with all of us I’m sure. My son was diagnosed at 4, and I saw them that he was bigger and stronger, and I thought, “What am I going to do when he is 16?” Just being upset about the here and now faded a little and this new thing called FEAR OF THE FUTURE set in. Sounds like you guys had a run at OT already from what you wrote. My son started meds at 5. We just were unlucky enough to not have long term success with medications. Now at 7, we were faced with possible hospitalization due to the raging. The school changed him to self-contained. They wanted to add a third med, Prozac to his regimen. We were at a loss. The psychiatrist then recommended broad spectrum micronutrients and he improved. He’s been on them nearly six months. If you haven’t tried or considered them yet I would encourage you to research them. It doesn’t mean your daughter doesn’t need medications, but if she responded to micronutrients she could possibly be on a lesser number of medications, a lower dose, or possibly not need them. There are two companies, Hardy Nutritionals and True Hope. Our son’s psychiatrist did not recommend one brand over the other. I wish your family the best. Keep pushing forward!

[alexlw85 in reply to Cjkchamp]

Thanks for the recommendation - I will definitely look into the micronutrients.

[anirush]

Been there, done that with 14 year old and 13 year old when they were unstable. The 14, besides being on ADHD meds is also on an antidepressant which has made a world of difference. Last weekend he didn't take his Sunday meds, unbeknownst to me until later. On Monday on the way to band camp he was a mess, saying he did not want to go, punching my car door. The rest of this week he has been an angel.

The 13 year old had to be put on additional medication for anger. He once punched our TV screen. He still has a melt down once in awhile but we are also working with a behavior therapist to teach him control methods.

I would at least consult with a psychiatrist ASAP. If you decide to go the med route it takes time to work or find the right one.

I can't imagine how awful she feels inside to be so angry and it sure is not fair to the teacher either. Good luck.

[alexlw85 in reply to anirush]

Thanks for your reply - I feel that my daughter needs something for anger too. I can barely talk to her without her reacting and just bringing up meds (she does not want them) she gets so mad, saying 'What does ADHD have to do with anger anyway??' and 'Don't TALK to ME'. If I could at least talk to her I could explain things but she literally looks pained and physically reacts. Then she is apologising and feeling terrible moments later, but still begging me not to talk to her. If I could just say to her, you won't have to feel like THAT as much.... I am 100% decided on the meds route, she might be hard work but I am sure she will come around to it. 6 days and counting until her appointment...

[ADHD_DAD]

My recommnedation is to add medications. Your daugter, like my son, has a disability. I can't imagine either of us withholding helpful medicine from a child with muscular distrophy or MS, but yet we are hesitant to give medications for ADHD. Why? You cannot give up on medications. It is trial and error. Some work better for some children than others. There is no way that your daughter wants to be like this. Like all of us, she wants to be liked and to please others. Sbe just has a disability which prevents it. There are numerous classes of medications. Keep trying until you note a change. Your efforts at home together with accommodations at school (if she doesn't have accommodations, see a special education lawyer) will be more successful with the assistance of medications. Treatment of ADHD is a three legged stool: medications, support at home (which you are doing) and accommodations at school.

There are lots of resources available. You don't need to do this alone. Hang in there!

[Gutgelaunt]

I have a 12-year-old son and noticed over the last three years an increase in anger and rebellion until last summer I had enough and also wanted to go the med route. I was hoping so much for improvement and was shocked and disappointed that it didn't bring the results I had hoped for. We tried three different meds and various dosages but he only got two hours of focus out of it and his anger got worse when the meds started to kick in and wear off. After 6 months I had enough and started researching alternatives. What has finally made a difference is the combination of fish oil, phospatidylserine and 5-HPT. The latter is tryptophan that our body needs to make serotonin which our kids are particularly low on and regulates the mood. He now very rarely has anger issues like last year and also sleeps better since tryptophan is also responsible in making melatonin. There are many studies on phosphatidylserine showing how it helps in ADHD. We found a pediatrician that takes insurance and is open for both meds and alternative medicines. We started a month ago with a gluten and casein free diet since he tested sensitive to both and have seen even more improvement. My whole family says he is so much better than last year. No matter what route you go and what you try, just know that there is hope and when one thing doesn't work there are still many other things to try. Be patient as you travel this new journey of finding what will work!