Lying

[Jane1113]

I have a ten year old son who lately lies about doing his teeth, showering, etc. We have taken away things such as computer time and phones. Not working, so we try the talking and positive approach and he is still lying. Any tips?

[Onthemove1971]

Jane1113-

Thank you for engaging in this conversation. One of the most frustrating things about having a child with ADHD is the lying. Our psychologist has told us that this is really about avoidance to do something. They are usually Hyper-focused on something and therefore don't want to do something else. The best way we deal with it is to not asked questions. With the showering and teeth brushing what we do is stand there and watch. Then we know it is done and there are no questions. Unfortunately it's is not always that easy especially when it comes to middle school and lying about turning assignments in. Somethings get better with age/time and some are harder to deal with.

This helps to avoid punishment and arguments.

Hope this helps, it takes a while to get used to doing things differently, but it avoids a lot of tension.

Good luck, take care.

[Jane1113 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you. I have started to make him do everything and check in with me in the mornings. If not done he needs to do it again. But I guess standing there ti it’s done will save me time. I will try that approach.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Jane1113]

To us it is much less painful than the I ask, you lie, we scream and yell then we punish and it doesn't work and the teeth and shower dont get done correctly. We stand there and watch the teeth and listen for the shower.

This is the way many things happen.

We dont ask if he eat the breakfast he asked for ( before he would throw it away) now we just eat together and watch him. Works for us.

[Hidden]

This is SO hard for me! On the one hand I know that some of it is avoidance, but I also think that at least with my daughter, some of it is manipulative. I think this is the hardest thing for me to handle with her bipolar and ADHD, knowing where the line is...When CAN I push her and when SHOULD I push her and when should I just back off? We talk about this in therapy all the time with one issue or another. We are mostly able to solve these dilemma's and the counselor will call her out when it's obvious that she is lying or being manipulative, but I admit at home that I struggle with this on a daily basis....HUGS

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for you comments, yes it's not like parenting a child without any issues. Then you add the stress if trying to deal with the educational system and when do we push/punish and when do we not. I have been told many times that our kids are not trying to "do bad" and we should assume that.

[Pmommyof5 in reply to Hidden]

I completely understand you because my daughter is diagnosed bipolar and ADHD.

I hope we find a way to help and clues to know when do we push or back off.

[Want2BHappy3]

I have a grandson who lies, their afraid of the Negative consequences. Before he answers give him a few minutes to think before he answers? Tell him they would appreciate the truth and that they can discuss what happened? Talk to him in a calm voice, so in the future he'll feel like he can come to you.

[Pennywink]

Here’s an article from understood.org (LOVE that site!) about ADHD & lying. It also links to articles about stopping the lying w/ different age groups.

understood.org/en/learning-...

[Hidden]

I thought this was normal for children to slouch out of boring things

[MaudQ]

I feel like there was another thread about this a few months ago - try searching to see if you can find it. My experience is that it’s totally and ADHD thing. They do something impulsively and then panic when you catch them out. And then, because their core weakness is being able to put two and two together and understand the logical consequence, they say the first thing that comes into their head even though it’s onviously a lie. So it’s all about support - like homework and tooth brushing etc etc. Changing the environment to make it easier to do the right thing. I really agree with the above post that just hanging out with your kid while he does what you want him to do works wonders. The lying is really hard. Kind of like hitting or doing something really selfish - it’s for me the most painful aspect of ADHD. But I’ve started to notice that those things happen in the moment and aren’t my kid’s true self. We can coach and support our kids with this anti-social behavior the same way we can support them with doing homework. But I’m with you - it’s really hard.

[MaudQ]

I found the thread from before - I thought there was a lot of useful advice here healthunlocked.com/adhd-par...

[Jane1113 in reply to MaudQ]

Thanks just read through it and I just need to try some stuff. Thanks everyone. I am overwhelmed with all the support. It’s so amazing to have a group that we can go to.

[Alliea79]

Ugh. I am so beyond sick of the lying. Seriously. I am beyond tired to death of being fed lie after lie no matter how bad and obvious the lie is I hate that I am left to assume she is lying with everything and anything. I hate that that is what has all come to. Before ADHD and everything else I always had been out and open that I can work through anything in a logical and reasonable manner. Except lies. To me they are very hurtful and I have my own issues that leave me with terrible feelings afterwards. But lately it doesn’t matter an ounce about me. I know. Sounds selfish and doesn’t fit well into parent life. No answers or help here sadly. Just another mom stuck with another problem.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Alliea79]

What I have learned while on this journey is if I understand why it is happening, I just try to avoid it. For example our son rarely eats his lunch at school daily.. so I just plan to send a lunch and then when he gets in the car with it not eaten I say, pull out your lunch and eat it now. If it is gone ( usually thrown away, I bring a hearty snack). This avoids the " did you eat your lunch", he lies and we have to deal with him being super hungry at 3pm.. I know I make it sound easy but I see the problem, I can avoid it.

[Jane1113 in reply to Onthemove1971]

I totally understand. The lunch thing. I even have him pick his lunch and it is still not eaten. The funny part is he says he ate it and then I check it’s still in the lunch box. I do the same and have him eat after school. Also, I just make sure he has a good breakfast.

[Mmagusin]

I agree with others that it’s best to monitor tedious tasks rather than deal with inevitable lying or ‘half ass’ compliance. Traditional discipline techniques are ineffective & even damaging to our ADHD kids if we keep going back to the same method. I stand in the bathroom with my son while he brushes. We have a timer. For showering, I stay in ear shot especially in case he decides to play with water & I hear it hitting something other than the tub or him. At 11, he’s starting to be interested in grooming so this is new & a good sign that someday he’ll self motivate. I gave him his own deodorant & hair gel and this makes him feel independent.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Mmagusin]

YES! There is progress from before and our son is 12 years old. There is an increase desire in being self motivated, a girl friend and peers! One of the positives of middle school

[ScatteredMommy]

Our son had an imaginary world and if he lied I would say that sounds like something they may have happened in the imaginary world remember you have to answer about the real world in order for me to help. As a way to get out without being in trouble.

[janaq]

When you find and answer, please share with the rest of us. I feel your pain. My kid will ride a lie until the wheels fall off!

[anirush]

My 14 year old grandson hates showering. Brushing his teeth and washing his face so he doesn't break out are also an issue. We tried not to make a big deal out of it and just supervise to make sure it's getting done.

We are hoping when he goes to high school next year he'll want to look better and smell better.

[HeathersWellness]

Hi Jane,

You’ve come to a good place. We’re all here to support each other. Yes, lying is one of the biggest challenges with ADHD especially in children and there’s a great amount of support for parents going through this. Your approach is a very positive one in case and even though it may not be working right now, stay hopeful and keep at it so that as he gets older it may have more impact.

Also recently, I came across this article. You may find it helpful -- bit.ly/2Ca9p3u. In general, I think you’ll discover that ADDitude Magazine is an all-around good resource for families living with ADHD.

I’ll be praying for a change in your son's behavior and for all the parents who are experiencing upsetting attitudes and behaviors of their children and teens. Please let us know how things are progressing. Be encouraged.