Time to Change Schools?

[daemaitehn]

Howdy everyone!

We currently have our daughter at a catholic private school, actually the school I attended as a child. Kingergarten was difficult, after that she was diagnosed with ADHD.

First grade was also a challenge, but much better then kindergarten.

Fast forward to second grade, and at this time of the year, we are encountering statements from the principle such as this:

'Many of the behaviors SHEis displaying as of late are choices SHE is making. I have observed her, talked with her, and listened to her. HER yelling at her teacher when no stimulus or overwhelming factor has been introduced is an intentional behavior. Being disrespectful to TEACHER by debating everything asked of her is a choice. She is not doing this in a manner of a meltdown within the classroom. She is doing this to seemingly have her way and for a need to try to control the situation. There is a difference between behavior from her diagnosis and choosing to misbehave. I understand some behaviors are unavoidable because of ADHD, however there is also the choice a person makes to take an action and emit a behavior with intent. This is when it goes beyond the deficit she experiences.

'

And

'My hope is that we will gain a better understanding of interventions to help HER when we meet with the PUBLIC SCHOOL. These discussions are never an easy thing when parents and a school come to a crossroads. When we are trying to convey what is needed, at times, parents understandably become defensive and upset if things are brought up that they do not want to hear. However, it is necessary for us to be honest with one another and to work as a team to come to the best solution that we can. It is necessary to convey that we will do the best we can for HER with the resources we have available to us, provided there does not come a time in the future when we will no longer be able to meet her needs. '

After this, we stopped communication since they seem to not believe/accept some of the evidence we have provided regarding how ADHD can effect behavior in children. We have shared information with our Psychologist, who did the diagnosis, a Psychiatrist, who did a separate (basic) evaluation, and a Education Consultant. Their message to us was 'Maybe you need to switch schools' Essentially they felt the school was not willing to work with us any further, and advised that a public school may be better at helping with what she needs.

My concern is here: No matter what, we may face some of the same situations where they challenge us/do not desire to work with her needs. Of course would have legal protection in a public school. Also, she is in second grade. I am afraid of the social impact of switching schools.

If anyone has any thoughts/suggestions/ideas, please share. I would love to hear them, good or bad! Thanks community!

[SylvieS]

I am sorry you are not having productive discourse and assistance with your current school. I will share our experience in the hope it resonates and is helpful. Our son started at a fairly newly established charter school that looked great on paper. It did not go well from the start. The teacher was good but overwhelmed and they were very slow to offer us any resources when his behavior became problematic. We ended up switching to our neighborhood public school at the end of the fall semester and it was a very good choice. The classrooms were set up better to accommodate kids with ADHD, there was a school counselor and psychologist. We never even ended up needing an IEP ( which I was prepared for) because his behavior improved quite a lot. Also I think it was valuable for him to have a fresh start where he wasn’t known As “the bad kid” among staff and peers. We framed it as a good thing when discussing it with him- bigger playground, close to our house, etc so he didn’t feel like the change was a punishment. Best of luck with what you and your family decide.

[Adam081911]

Hi, I feel your pain...... My son is also in second grade in a catholic school. We had a tough year last first grade as his teacher reported me negative stuff about him every single time (at least I felt that way). I also considered about switching schools but we still haven't as we want to give another year to see if it's the teacher or the whole school. So I'm curious how others experienced of switching schools.

I don't know much about catholic schools but I feel that they're not as equipped as public schools. Comparing to his school and public, public schools have lots to offer, more resources, more experienced with special needs students, and better equipped.

I'm not a catholic, my husband is, so it's not easy to convince him to switch schools....

Current school has very small playground, not much space to run around for all the students, there is no gym!!!! (they do P.E. in a public park or borrow a gym from another school)

I work at public schools as an on-call. There are many times that I think if my son were in a public school.... would he be better in public system.

Right now, he has a good teacher who is managing his behaviours and challenges without telling me every single time so I feel more assured.

Switching schools is always on the back of my head. I hope you'll get responses here to answer your questions and help organize your feelings and thoughts.

[SylvieS in reply to Adam081911]

We were in a very similar situation with our son at the charter school. The classroom was very small for the number of students and the kids played on a small strip of blacktop at all recess except lunch. They didn’t have a psychologist and were not equipped to handle behavioral issues at all. Moving to public school was the best thing we could have done. Big playground. Bigger classroom with regular movement breaks. School counselor. Fresh start. It was the best decision we could have made and I’m so glad we didn’t even wait until the end of the school year. Just my experience. But you know your child and situation and if your gut tells you it isn’t right then it probably isn’t.

[Shane2008]

If u or ANY family lives in NYC/NJ area, I HIGHLY recommend the ADHD/Autism reasesrvh study conducted by Healthy Brain network, a division of Chd Mind Institute in Manhattan.

Google Heathy Brain Network for background, details and participation

My son was already diagnosed with ADHD, but all participants are provided with a neuropsychological testing and very specific feedback and accommodations (based on your child’s test results ) that can be used to create an effective IEP and justify additional specific support.

I am in this process now.

The report we received included recommendations in all domains including home/medication/counseling etc

Can’t say enough about this study!!!

Additionally, based on a self-report questionnaire and interviews, my don was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which my husband and I had been seeing for some time but did not fully understand.

This diagnosis is important to his treatment and has huge implications for the school setting.

To boot, we were paid $200 gor our participation, which spanned 5 visits.

Lots of luck!

[anirush]

My grandson's go to a public school but my daughter went to Catholic school all the way through high school. I had some teachers that were good support and others that were overwhelmed. She was lucky in 5th grade to get an experienced teacher to take her under her wings all the way through 8th grade.

High school was more of a challenge since she became a cutter. I was constantly bringing letters from her doctor, articles on ADHD, Having meetings with the counselor and vice principal and Teachers. She finally made it through with decent grades but it is a struggle.

[Mmagusin]

We had the reverse situation where we were in a new public school. It was way too big to give our son the individualized help he needs. Also the teachers were not trained or ‘bought in’ it seemed to the fact that ADHD is real. That said, it sounds like your kid also has ODD, like our son. This in itself is NOT ADHD, but rather, a coping mechanism I believe. When my kid feels out of control or internalizes negative feedback, he relies on fight (not flight) instincts to cope with the anxiety. Teachers that do not elicit calm confidence are not a great fit. Teachers that rely on negative reinforcement are terrible for our kind of kids. FIND A NEW SCHOOL FAST!

[Mmagusin]

Is your child defiant at home also?

[daemaitehn in reply to Mmagusin]

Depending on how we handle situations, yes. For example, yesterday she was told to give the two suckers to my wife. She wanted to give one to her brother. When I reacted with a outright NO, she blew up and still tried to give one to him.

I looked at this situation as her mind was already there, she was already giving him the sucker, so bringing her back was not going to happen. I think I should have let her, then have her re-do the situation.

We also have times where she is placed in a situation where we would expect defiance, and she handles it great. So it is not consistent.

[Mmagusin]

Absolutely not! You’re right to stick to your guns. No means NO! When she melts down or protests, it’s critical that you consistently IGNORE that. If she gets aggressive, use timeout and/or loss of privileges. She needs to know parents are in charge, not her. It took years for us to learn and we still screw this up, but trust it’s the right approach no matter how stressful. If you can prepare yourself emotionally to see stay calm through it, you’ll see less and less of it. It’s 100 times harder to do this with ADHD kids, but it will work.

[daemaitehn in reply to Mmagusin]

Our biggest challenges are staying consistent in these situations and calm. Also trying to positively reinforce things without negative consequences. I have found with her that if we actually take a compassionate approach and try to determine what underlying skill is lacking, IE inability to handle change in plans, she responds better than us shutting her down. Maybe I am confusing two separate issues here.

[Janice_H]

Hello Daemaitehn, I was in this exact same situation when my son attended Catholic school until mid-kindergarten. A private school is not an ideal setting for children with special needs. Legally, they are not required to provide special education services that your ADHD child has. Please try transferring her to a charter or public school where you will be able to establish a 504 or IEP based upon her diagnosis.

It sounds as though the principal is finding things to complain about to make you uncomfortable. Sadly it sounds as though she knows the teachers cannot properly manage your child or the educational needs and is hoping you withdraw her from the school.

The question for yourself: Is having your daughter's educational needs met more important than social bonding with other peers at the Catholic school? She will make great connections at her new school and will not be subjected to this type behavior by the catholic school teachers and administration.

Take the steps to do what is best for your child, for your sanity's sake and for you wallet. Private schools are expensive. You can save the money and use for other important things. Best of luck in your decision.

[daemaitehn]

Update for everyone. We had a meeting with our current school and 4 representatives from the public school yesterday. It was lengthy. The meeting started by us explaining what we have done thus far for our daughter. The response from the public school was 'We have never had any parent do this much work.' From there, things kept getting better. Our current school stated their concerns, and the public school representatives confirmed everything which was occurring was related to ADHD and agreed that we should work to help my daughter learn these skills which she is missing. And that her behavior was not defiant, instead it was related to her ADHD.

From there, we are going to try and keep her in her school and we are bringing in a behavior specialist to observe in the classroom and provide suggestions. The meeting was actually very good, and I am glad that we had tons of backup. We also had the kindergarten teach and 1st grade teacher advocating for my daughter, both of which are from the current school. What an experience it was. Me and my wife are still so happy we had the meeting.

Maybe there is still hope. IF not, maybe for the next child, their time and their parents time will be easier and better...

[MomLeslieM]

I'm so glad the meeting went well. There are advantages and disadvantages to each type of school and each specific school within each type! It does make it hard sometimes to choose the right option for our kiddos...we ended up homeschooling which was THE best thing WE could have done for OUR 2 special needs kiddos. But, not necessarily the best for someone else and their family!! It sounds like the Catholic school is willing to work with you now that they have heard the other perspectives as well. No matter what school you choose YOU are your daughter's BIGGEST and BEST advocate - so keep going to bat for her!