Newly diagnosed ADHD/ ODD

[Onthego-gomom]

I'm overwhelmed where to start revealing her deficiency to family, friends, and mostly school. My daughter is 7 years old. Currently she is in a private Catholic school. She isn't getting in trouble nor having academic difficulties as of yet. Her biggest issue has been behavioral and socially interaction. She is an only child, so many had me convinced this was "normal" for her to have issues with playground politics. The teacher is reporting she is "mean spirited". I think I cried for a week. The teacher nor school isn't aware we had her assessed. Honestly, we wanted to see how first grade went because the kindergarten teacher had a very bad reputation of being extremely strict and punitive in the classroom. Now I'm not in denial any longer. My biggest fear is that she will not be met with understanding or empathy. However, she's already being labeled. There is a guidance counselor, teacher seems really 100 times more understanding than the kindergarten teacher,... But I know transitions are really rough for my daughter. She will be destroyed if we are forced to leave the school for public, where there are more resources for her. Where do I begin?

[Aspen797]

Start with lining up the therapies recommended by the person who diagnosed her. Health insurance should cover an initial evaluation of occupational therapy (to see if there is a sensory piece, fine motor difficulties, or emotional regulation deficits) and speech therapy (to check for pragmatic language/social behavior/social skill and social thinking deficits—ie the child-blaming “mean-spirited” comment😣).

Also check out supportive settings for you. Tilt parenting is a helpful online resource to connect with other parents in similar situations. Your state’s parent training and information center is another really good resource: parentcenterhub.org/find-yo....

Was the person who diagnosed her a neuropsychologist or developmental behavioral pediatrician? If not, you might consider seeing one of these as they can often better get to root causes and offer local resources and referral.

I personally share a diagnosis when it will lead to skill teaching, accommodations, or kind understanding. If one label (ADHD) is sufficient to get those things, that’s probably all I would share. ODD label can tend to make some think that there is something inherently bad about a child and kind of throw up their hands and stop looking for root causes of behavior. Punishment is often cranked up instead of looking for skill deficit-areas and working on skill building which leads to more oppositionality because you’re not getting at the root causes. More often than not, with therapy/skill teaching, consistent use of positive parenting strategies, and medication, behaviors leading to that label decrease. All kids do well if they can.

Regarding public schools, start scoping them out now and introducing books to your daughter about changing schools. Highlighting how great a different school is and knowing some things about it (eg a school garden, field trips, etc) can change her attitude from fearful to curious. Public schools can offer a lot more support and legal protections for students who are neurodivergent. A great IEP team can really change your child’s perception of themself, their capability and school.

Hang in there. It can be overwhelming initially but as you start getting connected to services things start to shift. Remember that your daughter is doing the best she can with skills she has and so are you. You both need grace.

[Katstacarlso in reply to Aspen797]

Clicked this post as we are in a similar situation. This is a fantastic and insightful comment. Also, thank you for this parent training and information resource!

[MamasSweetBoy]

So sorry you are going through this and I so relate mama. Our son’s neurodevelopmental pediatrician said that he rarely diagnoses kiddos with ODD, because it is usually all related to the lack of impulse control with ADHD. When that impulse control is treated (therapies, OT, speech, sensory, medication (yes even in the younger kiddos), or whatever else that kiddo might need), then usually the ODD diagnosis can suddenly disappear (or at least not seem as bad). No child is inherently “naughty”, it’s a difference in their brain. I’m saying this to myself as much as I’m saying it to you. Just thought this might help you look at your sweetie a little differently. Virtual hugs.

[Imakecutebabies]

Yeah, I wouldn't bother sharing the ODD part; it has more negative connotations associated with it.

I also wouldn't set your heart on changing schools if you think her current teacher would be able to accommodate her well--I've often considered moving my son the other way, from public to private, because the public school he is at does not seem to really understand ADHD and often villainizes him.

With family and friends, I only bring up a diagnosis if I think it would be met with compassion and help improve someone's relationship with my son--or their understanding of what I'm going through. I also did a lot of research first to make sure that I would be somewhat of an expert on the diagnosis before trying to explain it to someone else.

[Onthemove1971]

If an educator said my child was "mean spirited" I would set up an appointment with the principal/leader and explain the impact this kind of negative opinion has on your child and the family. I would also check if that educator hold a credential with the state and if so write a complaint. There is no room in like for that!

Best of luck with the struggle, many of us have been in your shoes before.

We are always here for you.

[PonderingPapa]

Having a son with ODD as well as having it myself makes life more flavorful both for ourselves and those around us. I try to help him understand his urges and when it is and is not acceptable to do things. My wife and I also talk to others about his disposition to educate them and make them aware.

He went to a social group for a while and learned the important concept of "unexpected behavior". Once he learned that we focused on when/what "unexpected behavior" is acceptable and when it is wrong.

We've been fortunate to have mostly understanding teachers. Having an official diagnosis for his ADHD also helps get him the accommodations he needs. It also helps that he is very loving and kind and teachers see this. Good teachers are focused on children learning. Once they understand that it is not a mean spirit causing his defiance to directions, things go very smoothly.

Society always needs people to ask questions and push boundaries. Help her develop her gift. She may become a great investigator, researcher, activist, or lawyer.

[MatureMomma]

Greetings, Onthego-gomom! I have a 9.5-year-old who, through a private-pay neuropsychological evaluation, was diagnosed with ADHD, combined presentation, anxiety, and gifted. She was 7, almost 8 at the time. She is also in a Catholic school in the U.S. (in which country do you live?) and is an only child to older parents. She doesn't struggle academically, but with peer social interactions (she's even kicked kids at school!) and emotional regulation. After the assessment, which recommended seeking out Special Education services, we simply took the evaluator's recommendations from the report we received and initiated a request through our public school district for a special educational assessment. (We spoke with the Education Specialist at our school to help us know where to start; you could probably go to the guidance counselor, since you seem to have a good relationship with her.)

The district is required by law to make a determination as to whether your child qualifies for the assessment, and afterward, to make a determination whether she qualified for special education services. (She did, though some services were provided indirectly--O.T. consultation with her classroom teacher, for example), and some were direct (her being bused to the nearest public elementary school to meet with the school counselor once a week, for example). You can go to Pacer (pacer.org/) and the ADDitutde Magazine website (additudemag.com/) for much more guidance. You may find these resources very, very helpful. The district determins whether or not she's accpeted. Once you have that, you'd turn in a copy to your principal and probably have a meeting with your daughter's IEP team. You have a number of legal rights. If they determine your daughter qualifies for special ed, then a meeting will be called, which will include her classroom teacher, special ed professionals from the public school district, you, her parents, and whomever else the lead person feels would be helpful. It is in this meeting that you'll likely get a good sense of her teacher's response. At this point, it seems like she's already negatviely predisposed to your daughter; in meeting with those who understand kids with social interaction and emotional regulation difficulties, her teacher may come to understand what's happening with her more, and be encouraged to find ways to work with her and help her.

We also have her going to O.T. weekly, the school counselor weekly, and now a private pay therapist, weekly. She (and we) seems to need all of this support. She also is taking a low-dose ADHD medication, which does help.

We will have her assessed for the public school's gifted and talented program over winter break, and then if she qualifies, we may have to make some tough choices! We, too, really want her to stay in our Catholic school--it's just hard, as she struggles with time-limitations, transitions, her own emotional regulation, reading social cues, and impulse control--and our school just doesn't have the space nor the personnel to have our daughter take overwhelm breaks, or guide her, etc. However, we think that viewing it from all angles is the way to go, and asking for help.

The Godsend for us this year is she LOVES her classroom teacher, who knows all about her ADHD and anxiety and is willing to provide the small, but effective interventions inside the classroom. That has been a gamechanger, in terms of (mostly) addressing the school refusal, but she still struggles with another (boy, who happens to be smart & likely neurodivergent, as well) who is in her class.

Anyway, I hope this is a bit helpful; it seems to me that you can't lose in speaking with her teacher about what you know regarding your daughter's struggles and how you thing her teacher can help her.

I wish you the best!

[Dibo1290]

We have actually seen our child go from treated like a “problem child” to getting lots of help and resources (which turned out year around this year - 1st grade) once we shared his ADHD diagnosis. He is in public school and I learned our rights and insisted on frequent meetings and communication, which included my recommendations for accommodations and ways to shift from punishing behaviors to teaching. I highly recommend @additudemag (they also have a website with tons of resources, webinars, etc.). Listening to one of their webinars titled: Behavior Problems at School: A complete problem-solving guide for parents (also an article) literally walked me through every step I needed and I felt so confident going into the school and laying out what I needed to. Hope any of this helps!

[Onthego-gomom in reply to Dibo1290]

Thank you so much! We met with her school guidance counselor and teacher this past Wednesday. I already noticed a difference and improved communication!! I'm hopeful. I'm going to check out additude magazine.

[ADHDuderino]

Hi Onthego-gomom, my son is 7, and now a year on from a. ADHD diagnosis (and myself 2 years on!).He presents as ODD on many occassions and in varying circumstance (mainly with me is has to be said). Its not an "official" diagnosis, but myelf and his Mum are health professionals and we know the score. As mentioned above, its great you are getting some support at last and I absolutely agree with the " if the teacher calls your child mean, they need a talking to and educating" statement. They are not mean or deficient. All that does is create negative self talk (which is already present and is a genuine concern for their whole life and wellbeing). They are different and are seeking feedback from the world with inapropriate methods. They wont learn a more apropriate, non-confrontational method by meeting negativoty from adults. I know much of my sons maladaption may be due to my own, so u derstanding and educating me is as important as for him. And educating the other adults in his life is equally important to give him guidance. Check out the "How to ADHD" youtube channel (she can watch it too) its super ADHD freindly, never innapropriate and delivered by a "TED Talk" graduate who is so open honest and insightful about her experiences and possible helping strategies. ADDitude is an excellent source, also look at Dr. Russel Barkley (alao on youtube), a prominant neurologist and ADHD specialist, he is also an excellent and credible source of help. I am very good at learning and educating, and terrible at the "doing for myself" bit!! But compassion for both myself and my son are the key and each moment of insight is easier if everyone (especialy myself) is treated with compassion a d love first. You are already looking in the right places for help (here for instance), remember to step back from all the strategies and medical stuff and just "see" her for who she is and how she is, no expectation, no judgements or comparisons, just as she is. That, in my opinion, is the key to all the rest, first see them a d accept them as they are, all in, no judgement, no "super powers" or "deficiencies", then you can listen and actualy hear them, then you can help them. "When the parents change-Everything changes" by Paul Dix is another interesting resource, a school teacher of many years with alot of insight into all kids and how they "grow", challenging and otherwise. It also makes alot of the "comparison with other kids" stuff much more down to earth and realistic, there are so many kids struggling, for so many reasons, in so many ways, we just need to reach them (which is the hardest part). I wish you and your little Rainbow pooping Unicorn ( I have one of them too, a d Im pretty sure she will join the ADHD'ers with us!) all the best, you are struggling against a world of ignorance, judgement and comparison together, but she has you to fight her corner and that matters 👍😁, 🫵🤟😍.

🌈🦄🐒,

If you can do nothing else, be kind...

[Onthego-gomom]

Thank you so much for your resources. I can get very down on myself, but this is a nature not nurture issue. I thought my husband was the problem, then I thought it was me ,... thing is, it's no one person's problem, we're in it together. I realize her impulsiveness often is the underlying reason for the unkind words. She is always angry, since around age 5.5. it was a sudden shift from always smiling and laughing. It's taken so much time and energy resources, therapy, assessments,... our pediatrician wasn't listening to our concerns. We established care elsewhere now! Time to move in the right direction, now that we know the underlying issue.