Help with ADHD

[Saj88]

My son just got diagnosed with adhd and his behavior has got pretty bad and I'm to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I need advice on discipline because everything I do seems like its not working and its causing alot of problems in my relationship between me and my fiance. I dont want it to cause me to lose my fiance. I'm trying so hard but I'm out of ideas can anybody help me with this? Please! I'm desperate!

[EJsMom]

First of all you’re not doing anything wrong. Kids with adhd are very difficult to discipline. They do not respond well to be usual tactics. These kids argue like lawyers. How old is he?

There are a lot of good resources to help. Many, many books to read. My son is 14. At this point I’m like his life coach. I discuss with him why certain decisions are bad ones but he still makes them. I can’t make him do anything. He has to choose.

When he was younger I tried everything. At one point I took everything out of his room and left a mattress. He did not care. I mean he was mad but it did not change his behavior at all.

At some point I decided that the best thing I could do was love him and support him. Everywhere he goes he is met with negativity and ridicule. His teachers constantly have to discipline and when he was in elementary school none of the kids played with him.

He has made friends now and he’s much better than he used to be but he’s still quite difficult compared to my other two boys.

There is medication of course which usually helps. There are great counselors out there too. Ultimately it is a long exhausting journey for all parties involved.

Do not give up hope and don’t give up on your son. Personally I don’t think a fiancé who doesn’t support you isn’t worth it. That’s just me.

We’re all here for you!!

[EJsMom]

I just want to encourage you! Think about taking your son to therapy and go along with him. Possibly your fiancé would join.

It can work!! (I’m just cynical about some men and it’s not entirely fair) I’m sorry.

[gdrogosch]

As a sister of an ADHD brother and now a mom of an ADHD son, I understand. It is hard finding what works when they start misbehaving. I agree with EJsMom that taking things away mostly doesn't work - unless you find that one thing they LOVE. For my son, it's his hot wheels, tablet or Wii. Usually, all we have to do is threaten to take one away and he gets it. Any other toy, he won't care about.

But, keep in mind, you have to stick to your guns and it's still not always going to work. You have to mean what you say and follow through. Usual tactics used on non-ADHD children don't work. Be patient.

How is he misbehaving? Is it that he won't do what you ask (like his chores)? Or just misbehaving in public?

There are awesome articles out there, videos on YouTube and FB pages like ADDitude and Understood.org.

[Pennywink]

This is a fact sheet about school accommodations, but adapting them for home has helped a TON. Even the ones that don not seem directly about behavior (such as charts and timers) have helped, as my son gets less frustrated in the first place now that we use them.

russellbarkley.org/factshee...

[Cjkchamp]

Look into the nurtured heart approach. If your fiancé loves you then he needs to get in board with helping your kid. Dealing with this is hard enough!

[WendyKirkpatrick]

My ADHD son is now 30 years old. We have been to hell and back with him though his life is in a better place now. We found that behavior modification and rewards for the good behavior plus unconditional love were a big help. Another big help was not over drugging him like the schools and doctors wanted us to. All they seemed to care about was that he shouldn't be a behavior problem and were unconcerned with side effects. Out of my pain and love for my son, I illustrated, wrote and self-published a book entitled "I have ADD and I'm Proud to be Me." It is on Amazon.com and Createspace.com. My name is Wendy Kirkpatrick and you can find it under my name or the book title. I wanted to present a childrens' book that explained what the CHILD feels like to have this problem and how it affects their life, their self-esteem and relationships with parents, children, difficulties in school and making friends, etc. I kept the price as low as humanly possible on the sites and I hope it may be of help to you. Sincerely, Wendy Kirkpatrick

[EJsMom in reply to WendyKirkpatrick]

I write poems about adhd. From the child’s perspective and from the parents. I haven’t published any of them. It’s quite therapeutic for me though. I’ll check out your book.

Example:

Hoping to find understanding,

Friendship and camaraderie,

On the go, I am thinking,

Will anyone play with me?

Please don’t be afraid,

I know I am loud,

And my bed isn’t made,

I don’t like crowds,

And I am kinda bossy,

But in one thing I’m the same

I don’t want you to be cross with me

And I’d love to join your game

You might have to ask me twice

Because I am so unsure

Will you make fun of me

And I’ll run for the door

You can’t see my illness

And there is no cure

What I want you to see

Is that I just need a chance

Look beyond the chaos, right at me,

I deserve to dance

And I want to feel free.

[ColTravGram]

It is hard. But everyone who commented is right. Show him the love - my son (8) has ADHD, ODD, separation anxiety and significant school avoidance- When he pushes me to the edge I tell him, “I love you, I don’t like the choice or behavior you are doing at the moment but I love you and your awesome heart!!!” There are consequences for him when he breaks the rules and he knows what they are and we stick to them. I also ask him if he remembers how this worked out for him last time as a warning- if he changes his choice or attitude we are good. We just started play therapy to help him with his needs. There is a lot out there to help all of you...it got easier for me to have more patience with him the more I realized he is not in control of how he is acting, his eyes were sad, he didn’t want to misbehave, be angry or defiant...it is hard. Look at you though- you are here reaching out for help- a mom advocating for her son- not giving up but looking for help to make his life better- all of your lives better- you have won half the battle already!! Understood.com is a great resource as well. Reach out to his school and demand an IEP for him to make next year a good school year (if he is in school...if not make sure to reach out and have an evaluation done before he enters school). You have this and will be amazed at where your relationship with your son will go when you start to get the tools that work for your family in place. As far as your fiancé, ask him to be a part of this growth and learning experience you and your son are going on. I wish you the best of luck, hang in there and be super proud of yourself for reaching out for help!! It takes a village and you have come to the right one