College Age Children with ADHD

[msudul1]

Hi! I'm am the parent of 2 college age children with ADHD. My daughter is 20 and has left school for the time being and I'm so sad about that. My son is 18 and struggling and I'm sad about that too. Once they get to this age, it's hard to know what to do. Our relationships are suffering over this.

[Hidden]

I know it's hard; I went through a similar situation. And, my son with ADHD (who is now in his late-20s and doing great) gave me these words of wisdom as we looked back on all of the hard times we had when he was a teen and young adult: "Mom, I had to get there in my own way and in my own time."

Right now, you are feeling sad because they're not following the path or plan you had in mind and you're worried about their future. You have hopes and expectations for them, and they're falling short. Here's something to consider: as long as your expectations differ from reality, you will suffer (and so will your relationship) because as this quote I found correctly points out, "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." And, another great quote I love (I love quotes!): "Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance."

What these mean to me is that you don't have to like or condone what's happening or their choices, but you can't control what they do. So, the sooner you can accept it, the better you will feel, and the better you will be able to improve your relationship with them. (Again, it doesn't mean you have to condone it, it just means you have to accept that this is the way things are and stop making yourself miserable by all the what ifs and shoulda woulda couldas).

See if instead, you can try to focus on the present and the things you CAN control: your thoughts (like realizing and accepting that they're behind developmentally due to ADHD and may need several years to get their acts together...and choosing to trust that they'll figure things out in their own way on their own time.); and focus on your interactions and relationship with them. Have fun, relaxing times together where you don't discuss this stuff at all; let them know you like them and love them just as they are. That way, when they do end up wanting help or guidance down the road, you'll be the first person they think of to go to.

In the end, they may not end up on the path you envisioned for them, but as long as they're happy and fulfilled and a part of your life, isn't that all that matters?

Hope this helps!

Joyce Mabe, parentcoachjoyce.com

[msudul1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply, Joyce! And I love your quotes, too!

Here is some detail about my situation:

My daughter got into an excellent college after high school, double majoring in Math and Economics. Had mono her first semester and ended up taking a medical leave of absence after her first semester. I know that partying had something to do with her poor grades that ended up as W's on her transcript. But her ADHD, which she was just diagnosed with, shows as lack of follow-through. She went back in the Fall of 16 and managed a GPA of 1.9. Promised to do better in the Spring, but that turned into the biggest disaster of all. She just stopped going to class sometime around spring break, didn't go to finals, etc. Failed everything. She got a job over the summer and signed up for 2 courses at community college. Now she's at home, seemed to be improving and happy (she was really depressed after the Spring, I think something else happened that she won't tell me about, so...) But then she did the same thing with the 2 courses. Failed the because she stopped going. So now her future choices even if she wants to go back to college are severely limited. She got angry with me for making her pay $200 per month to me in rent since she's not going to school now. Usually our interactions are strained, even though I don't talk to her at all about her future for the time being. The plan with my ex is to get together with her to talk about her future soon, haven't scheduled that yet. But of course, I'm the go-to person when she gets in a bind (when she ran out of gas on the way to work yesterday--pure ADHD). As I said, she's finally diagnosed and on a low dose of Adderall, she's working retail.

My son graduated from a private boarding high school last Spring and did OK. In hindsight I wish I'd kept him home. Anyway, he decided for himself that he wasn't ready for a 4 year school and went full-time to community college last semester. Results were a C, a D, and 2 F's. He did his usual thing of not handing in assignments either at all or when it was too late to get full credit. He is a decent test taker, but in college that doesn't work to get the grades. He's only taking 3 courses this semester and wants to transfer to a 4 year school for next Fall. He talked to me about not doing things that would have a negative impact on his life, and seemed to be open to me helping keep him on homework track. But after a week of the semester, he's already confusing when he needs to do certain things and hand them in. And this is what's straining my relationship with him. The micromanagement, which I don't even WANT to do. My place with him is not as bad as with my daughter, but it's hard to live with older children that behave this way. And both their rooms are disgusting.

I realize that I can only change my reaction to them, but sometimes it just is overwhelming. Anyway, thanks for listening and thanks for your advice! What do you think about telling my daughter that once she turns 21 in July that she needs to get her own place and support herself if she's not going to continue her education?

[Hidden in reply to msudul1]

I know it can be overwhelming. As parents, we want the best for our kids and it's hard to see them going down a road that we know will be long and hard. But just as we did when we were young, they will want to do things their own way too, even if it means learning things the hard way. Consequences really are the best teachers!

In terms of your question, I think it's perfectly fine to say, "You are welcome to keep living here as long as you___" and then list the non-negotiable rules and expectations. Then she knows the deal and can decide if she wants to go along with it or not.

Joyce

[nawilliamsjr23]

msudul1

There old enough to take care of themselves. As long as they take their meds and get help there fine. You are not responsible for them now. They are adults! Don't worry!!

[anirush]

my 36 year old daughter dropped in and out of college so many times it wasn't funny. When she finally got serious a few years ago they put her on probation until she could prove that she was going to keep her grades up. When it got to that point we also refused to pay for it she had to take out loans or manage it on her own. She finally has her degree.

I never gave up on her, always supported her as much as I could. I would sometimes pick up books for her that she had pre-ordered at the bookstore if she was overwhelmed. She may have been an adult but she was still my daughter..

[msudul1 in reply to anirush]

You give me hope for the future!

[GratefulMum]

I have a similar situation with my teenage son and am learning to let go of the tight reins, and accept what I can’t control. I am focusing on myself more, practising gratitude and ensuring I have a good relationship with my son. All the best.

[msudul1 in reply to GratefulMum]

The ironic thing is that I am not a real control freak with them and when I do try to step in when they falter I get obnoxious responses from them. I need to have a real sit-down with both of them if I am going to make peace in the home. That's all I want for now...

[seller]

I know how you feel, but I have to say that if your kids are not doing well in college, it's for the best to let them stop for now. My son was in and out of college for several years, until we realized that we'd spend thousands on classes, books, fees, with nothing in return. I think the biggest issue here is what do parents do with ADHD adults who are not in college? How do you make them work? Do you continue to pay their expenses? I think it's good to understand that they are not ready for school, but what then? I was very sad that my son could not or would not pursue college right away, but this issue quickly became less important than what he would do if he was not in school! He had all types of part-time jobs, but believe me when I say the money was not enough to live on. I do realize that our kids are several years behind and that you really can't hurry them. But who will pay for these kids as they lag behind is a completely separate problem. Most of us believed our children would not be a big expense by the time they are 21 or 22, but ADHD kids can drain your pocket for years after that. And the fact that they are technically adults means parents have little or no say in what they do. We had battled with our son all through high school and into college, so having more fights about getting and keeping a job, paying us for some expenses, not being a pig in our house, etc etc. was just draining.

[msudul1 in reply to seller]

Yes, this ^^^^^ Luckily I'm not responsible for paying any of their college expenses, my ex is. But my daughter has wasted a lot of that already. She does realize that college hasn't been working for her right now and has a job. And she realizes that she can't afford to live on her own on a retail salary. I would be willing for her to keep living with me, though, if she'd just be nice and behave in an adult manner. I never know what I'm going to get when I say something to her. The rules aren't complicated! I want to move in with my SO of over 4 years later this year, but I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with him because of my kids. And I don't want to abandon my kids. GAH!!! this is so frustrating! I do think my daughter needs a dose of reality and I do think I may just have to say "you need to move out when you're 21 if you aren't going back to school."

My son is another story. I think I can work with him and help him get to where he needs to be. He does want to transfer to a 4-year college next fall, but that will be scary too wondering if he can handle it. Hopefully he can manage that.

[seller in reply to msudul1]

Here is our solution, and I realize it's not ideal, but it does work for us. I decided that our son simply could not live with us. He had been in and out of the house for awhile, but when he came home from the 4 yr college for the last time, we found him a small efficiency apt in our town and he's been there ever since! He pays half of his rent (utilities are included). He does not have any cable service and only recently started paying his own WiFi. We do pay his car insurance, but he pays for his gas, food, cell phone, and entertainment. I rarely go into his apt because it's so awful, but there are recent signs that he might be trying be a bit neater.....and he is finally going to our local community college and paying for that himself. He is now 23 and may be showing some signs of real adulthood. We allow him to use our washer/dryer, and there are trips to the grocery store. Our son was thrilled when he got his own place and I don't think he ever felt abandoned. I know I felt like a huge weight had been lifted because we know longer argued constantly and I did not have to deal with his rude behavior.

[willandgrace in reply to seller]

I think that sounds great!