Absolutely falling apart

[Peonies_98]

I'm at my wits end. I'm exhausted, sad and broken. I have a 13 year old son with adhd and he just seems to get harder with each day. It breaks my heart on one way as I love him with all I have. He is a beautiful boy who adores his little brother and loves his big sister. He is a good kid but each day is a struggle that I'm slowly wearing down with. He's on vyvanse. He was diagnosed at 10.weve been to councillors etc but the older he gets the lack of motivation & respect is too much. The defiance is getting rediculouse and to be honest. I feel like walking out and not coming home. Please help. I'm so done.

[1V2B]

I can relate to everything you wrote. I know how it feels to believe you literally woke up into a nightmare, and just want to run away. My son was diagnosed with adhd at about 12 and also had lots of signs of oppositional defiance. He is now 17, also on Vyvanse. It has been an overwhemingly difficult journey. I wish i had the answer. But i never found one cure-all.

I did however put my son in sports as an outlet, and found caring but very strong coaches who understand ADHD boys. Im sure others can contribute better advice. But this has been our saving grace.

[WendyKirkpatrick in reply to 1V2B]

My son is 30 now. We had more than our fair share of heart ache for our much loved son. We had to fight the school district on meds because they made our son so sick to his stomach. If you limit carbs and sugars and try Vitamin B, it can't hurt and may help with the behavior. Doctors and therapists usually just want you to give them the medication. I have no problem with a small amount of medication combined with special education assistance and behavior modification, but we felt like we were being handled by drug pushers. We found that the best solution was to read books on behavior modification techniques and warmly reward them for the good things that they do. These kids get so little positive reinforcement, only complaints about their behavior. There is a response from an individual at this site with detailed information on medications and vitamins that could help enormously and this person has the condition. I have a book on createspace.com and Amazon.com called "I have ADD and I'm Proud to Be Me." Please don't think I'm hawking a book. My profit is about $2.00 per book so I won't go on a cruise if you buy one on line. I wrote it from the perspective of a young boy with A.D.H.D. (like my son) since I never was able to find a book that presented the issue from the CHILD's perspective. I found that if you can walk in another person's shoes, you will somehow know what is right for your child of any age. You know your child better than anyone else and your love and support and special techniques will help in time. It is an uphill battle and very slow, but have faith. My biggest heartbreak was his problem making friends. Kids without any condition can be cruel and so can their parents. I wish you and your family the best of luck, and write any time. Wendy

[seller]

I can also relate, but I can also tell you that you're at the beginning of a very long and painful journey! There are no good answers, but here are some tips: keep him on his meds and adjust the dosage as needed, add an antidepressant (like Prozac) if needed. Make sure he has an IEP and please try very hard to keep school as easy as possible for him. You don't want him to drop out before he graduates. You will have to stay on top of things with school: calling teachers, counselors, and being his advocate in school. Don't put much hope in counseling - kids this age have very little insight into their behavior. They just want you to know that "you're not the boss of me". This will continue for many many years! Have a few rules and stick to them. Don't talk to much - our boys are like dogs - they only hear a few things and they tune the rest out! And last but most important: DON'T take his insults, yelling, demands, etc. personally!! Ignore it if at all possible. Oh- and get some locks for your bedroom door and consider locking it when you're gone. My son is now 23 and is a pretty nice guy now, but I can tell you that I was not prepared for all the issues that go along with ADHD. Please let me know if you want to talk more!

[Onthemove1971 in reply to seller]

Thank you for this advice we really need to hear from role models that have lived through it.

[Hidden]

As you will see by what others are responding, you are definitely not alone with this! My son is 28 now and is doing great but we had a very, very rocky road during teen years.

One thing to keep in mind in terms of motivation is that until or unless he sees something as a problem he wants to solve, he simply won't have the inner desire to change anything. (I write more about that in this article: parentcoachjoyce.com/teen-s...

Right now, all he sees is that you have an issue with a bunch of things that really don't matter to him (and that you don't like him very much); and the more you nag, plead, remind or try to control him, the more he is going to push away.

In terms of how to get him to become motivated and to start making better decisions, I recommend that you use a strategic, collaborative approach. (I invite you to check out my website for more information: parentcoachjoyce.com/how-to...

This approach includes some important steps to follow whenever you are trying to get a defiant teen to become motivated, including things like getting his input and buy-in on expectations and goals so that he "owns" his choices and his results; and, allowing natural and logical consequences to happen so that he can get to the point where he learns, "Everything I do has a result (consequence). If I don't like the result, then I need to change what I'm doing."

And, last but not least, this is approach includes this very important piece: strengthening your relationship with him. The fact is that Rules without Relationship = Rebellion. This is human nature if you think about it-- no one is really going to be inspired to want to please someone or do what they say without question if they don't have some kind of bond or connection or mutual respect. So one thing you can do that has a huge impact all around is to work on strengthening your relationship with him.

I know that might feel like a hard task right now given that you both don't like each other very much, but it can be done. The first step is to get to a point where you feel better, which means you must examine and change your thoughts about your situation and what he's doing. (Our thoughts create our emotions so if you want to feel better, you have to think better-feeling thoughts, for example, how much better do you feel thinking, "this is to be expected due to his ADHD" versus thinking something like, "If I were a better mother, he wouldn't act this way." Bottom line is: You can't change what he does but you can change what you think about it, which then puts you in a much better state to be able to deal with it and react in it in a way that will likely give you much better results.

Hope this helps. I wish you all the best,

Joyce Mabe, parentcoachjoyce.com

[EJsMom]

I feel the same way sometimes. My son is almost 14. He can be very disrespectful and rude. He can also be loving and kind. It’s a roller coaster.

If you know deep in your heart that he is a good person, don’t give up on him.

I think about it this way; my son will be rejected, yelled at, beat down and struggle with everyone else in his life; what he needs from me most is love.

Yes he needs correction as well, but still always given with love. I feel like I’m his life coach or counselor half the time. He has to learn so many things the hardest way. He never takes an easy path and as his Mom it breaks my heart. I’m dreading high school this fall.

[ArleneyAtHome]

All i can advise is , do not go to the social services for help as i did and i do not have my son with me now , he was taken from me & the whole thing was turned around an tuned into an ongoing custody battle with my sons father who is a control freak drug dealer and violent man and social services have set my son up to fail his adulthood its disgusting

I did find taking my son out somewhere on an activity or even to a local beach , cafe an just chilling at home also with a relaxing method cd and massaging his shoulders and back worked well also , and it kept our relationship strong. As a result of the social worker not doing her job correctly and finding my son some therapy she did not do this for him . Its cruel at the best of times for kids who struggle , an after being told by a member from a child hearing to get this boy therapy she failed to do this also , yet is still taking peoples children from them its a joke , be strong never give up on your children no matter what age .

[Grateful17 in reply to ArleneyAtHome]

I’m so so sorry. I totally believe you. The social services do not understand or give a crap about ADHD. Hugs

[Mmagusin]

Parenting our ADHD kids is like going to battle every day. Find a way to do something for yourself. Recharge! Get support. Find energy in a passion to raise this great complicated kid. Become coach and therapist. They need that. They need you to be the rock, because they're so out of control.

[virgo02]

Try concerta. It works really well for my son. Good luck and I know exactly how you feel. I have an 11 year old son who is difficult too.

[Crunchby]

We had to add Seroquel to Vvyanse. Made twice weekly explosions go to monthly, not great but not as bad. Good luck, u are NOT alone

[MunchkinMommy537]

I recommend two things: the book “The Explosive Child” by Ross W. Greene, and the Positive Parenting Solutions course by Amy McCreedy. The book helps explain different ways to help you and your child partner together to come up with mutually agreed upon solutions. The course involves targeting a child’s desire to have a sense of power and belonging to help aliviate power struggles.

[anirush]

We switched my grandson to Seroquel and intuniv. Ended up adding Wellbutrin to he does really well on this except when he decides to skip a dose. Then a lot of the anger comes back

[GoDukes]

I agree with those comments about giving unconditional love. That is what our kids need more than anything. They need to know that someone is there for them even if they don't seem to appreciate it. If you aren't there looking out for them then they will fill that void with something else and that's probably not going to be a good thing. Keep trying different things and don't give up. Keep educating yourself about ADHD and the treatments available. On a personal note, my son is taking Foculin daily which helps his focus in school but we were still having trouble in the evenings when it wears off and he would not focus enough to do homework and would become much more defiant in general. We tried giving him Guanfacine in the afternoon and his defiance was reduced dramatically. You might want to research that a bit and talk to your doctor about it. Good luck!

[VolcanoMom]

Hang in there! You are not alone, and we all feel what you feel! Or have at one time or another.

[VolcanoMom in reply to VolcanoMom]

Oh, and we have some general rules in our house that my ADHD son came up with. ADHD does NOT equal disrespect. If we all are overwhelmed, and having outbursts, we CAN do them respectfully. No breaking of furniture, no hitting, no throwing, no swearing, no self harm. You can cry, be angry, be straight with your words, be overwhelmed. But a common respect is expected.