At a loss, need help!!

[Kstar524]

I’m relatively new on here, just reading posts and most I can relate to...I’m just pulling at straws lately, trying to get the help my 9 year old son needs. I’ve enrolled school psychologist, private psychologist (we love him but I dong see any real progress in my son), so now we have an appointment to see a second psychologist as well as additional psychological testing (first done at age 6). We live his psychiatrist and he is currently on 3g of Intuniv (prescribed by pedi early on and not sure it’s of any use), 20 mg of vyvanse (worked for first three months, now i don’t notice much), and recently started Prozac because of his emotional unstability (was on Zoloft and worked for two months then not). The kid is so angry and argumentative. It’s his way or the highway. He’s started talking bad about himself, losing friends, getting into trouble at school for saying inappropriate things. He tells his sister “F- you” when he loses a board game. Fights with his three year old brother. Talks about taking revenge against kids at school who “betray” him, aka tattle tail on him. I’m wxtremely concerned! I’ve spoken to our church priest who has also spoke to him. He can be an extremely agreeable, sweet kid one minute and a real jerk the next. Not sure what to do but he’s putting a real strain on me, my relationship w my husband, and our entire family. Please help me. I feel so hopeless.

[Simone35]

Hi hun it sounds tough, I am also new on her and new to having a child diagnosed with such a challenging and difficult disease. My son doesn’t have behavioral issues but I know two other boys that do and I also noticed that they will give their moms a very hard time but they don’t misbehave when around me. Have you tired a different appeoywith him by speaking to him and asking what’s wrong why he gets angry and what he thinks may help him control his anger,

[Kstar524 in reply to Simone35]

Thank you for your response. I feel like we have and are doing everything we could possibly do to help our son. I’ve even told him this. I told him that I will love him no matter what and that God made him perfect I his eyes. And I will never stop trying to get him the help he needs.

Tonight he lost it and threatened to kill his 7 year old sister. He then had to be restrained by several adult men. He then started talking about suicide and taking his own life. His siblings went to a neighbors house and my husband And I made the very hard decision (with help of on call Dr at his psychiatrist office) to take him to a mental hospital for children. However, after we drove 30 mins each way we learned this particular hospital only treats kids 13 and up. It’s been quite draining on everyone, not just him. No one is helped more or loved more than he is. I’m just not sure how much longwr I can remain “strong” and sane.

[Simone35]

One more thing I noticed you said “he’s “ putting a strain on the family, but it’s not something he can control, but what if he actually feels he’s being a strain to the family they can make him feel unwanted, amongst other things which can be triggering his behavior more , I’m a mom like you just trying to find answers for myself and to help others get answers, we have to fight for our kids and all though it is stressful and draining we have to think of other approaches to see what may help

[22789]

Many with ADHD develop ODD. I am not suggesting he has but it is something to consider.

[Malcomsmom]

Hi you just described my 9 year old son. Except he doesn’t threaten to hurt others. He does have ADHD and ODD. It is very stressful on a daily basis. It is very important that he knows he is loved and not a strain on the family. My son will say he is a bad boy and my response always is no you aren’t you just need to make the right choices. I praise him when he does good and make a big deal about it. That’s very important. Have you or your husband spent any time alone with him maybe take him for an ice cream or to the park ? By himself without his siblings. One on one is very important also he is probably seeking attention in the wrong way. My son takes Adderall and tenex. They work pretty good. I’m am trying to get him re-evaluated but unfortunately in my area there are no openings anywhere very frustrating. Wish you luck here if you need to chat.

[Kstar524 in reply to Malcomsmom]

We do need to do a better job at spending just one one one time with him, without siblings. However I just worry about mixed messages (rewarding him) when he’s done some very very bad things! He seems to be getting worse. Thank you for your reply and suggestions, very much appreciated.

[LuckyMonkey in reply to Kstar524]

You are not alone, and you've found a place where we can all relate! One of our toughest struggles with our 8 yr old son who has severe ADHD is simply understanding how the disease works-often times the idea of 'rewards' and 'punishment' are somewhat lost on them, as there is a huge amount of impulse control and/or forethought that simply doesn't exist in ADHD kids. The most effective thing we've been able to do with our son (who has many of the same challenges you mention, and it puts the same immense strain on our family) is actually taking good care of ourselves. Many of the outbursts/challenging behaviors exist because they don't have strategies to calm themselves or control themselves, but we do. I know that if I try to challenge/argue/inforce my rules on my son (even though that is technically a parent's job), it will only agitate him further and he will explode. Keeping myself under control, always using a calm, clear voice, laying out what is expected of him and rewarding good behavior, good choices and his hitting the 'reset' button all have helped bring a sense of calm to our previously chaotic home. Knowing that we can't control him, but we can control ourselves has been extremely helpful, as has identifying the behavior that is unacceptable, not the kid. Although it may seem counter-intuitive to reward a kid who just threw a tantrum, acknowledging that they were upset, made some poor choices and then were able to get themselves under control by using a strategy (that he learns in therapy, group, classes, etc.) can help you both see the positive steps that are being taken, even if it seems as though it's one step forward and two steps back. It's a long road, you don't have to walk it alone. I would also discuss his prescription with your psychiatrist, our son also threatened to kill himself, his family, etc. and we pulled him off all stimulants and the aggressive and threatening behavior stopped immediately.

[Cjkchamp]

I hear you! I have a very aggressive son who talks about hurting himself and getting even with others. As of late things have been better. He is currently taking 3 mg Guanfacine and 5 mg Focalin in the morning. Both are extended release. At night he takes 200 mg of magnesium and he takes I think 1,120 mg of omega 3. He also has a psychiatrist and psychologist. He attends a social skills group, and he is on an IEP at school. I have also been using the nurtured heart approach with him. I always recommend people look into it. There are books and there are courses you can take (very expensive though). I wish you the best...it’s exhausting, frustrating, and heartbreaking, but you are not alone.

[Pajamasam36]

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes as I remember what my son was like at 9 Years Old.

I agree with what others have said about IEPs, psychologists, psychiatrists, social skills therapy and behavior therapy. Medications help as well.

My son has Tourettes, ADHD/ODD, fetal alcohol syndrome , CNS disorder and general anxiety disorder.

One of these alone would be enough to cause problems at school and home.

Our son is now 14 and he is so much better. Maturity plays a vital role in behavior problem kids! Don’t give up! I know how hard it is on sibblings as well as spouses. I always remind myself that as hard as it is on me. It is much harder on my son. He has been suicidal and oppositional doing the opposite of what I ask.

I use my faith a lot to cope . I spend much time doing talk therapy! If I can stay sane I know my boy has a fighting chance!

Advocating for a child who is against all I do for him is one of the most difficult things in my life! I just want you to know I understand your pain and oh are not alone!

[Kstar524 in reply to Pajamasam36]

Thank you for your response. I agree, my faith is what gets me through. I have to believe that God made us parents of these children for a reason. Hang in there, you sound like a rockstar mama!! Hugs!

[anirush]

Has his behavior gotten worse since you started on the Prozac? Need to watch antidepressants as they can really cause problems sometimes. My younger grandson can't take them at all where my oldest grandson does. Younger one is on risperidone for severe anger problems. Doesn't control them completely but it sure is made a difference in our life. I would contact his psychiatrist immediately

[dianam123]

Wow our children sound so alike,

It is so hard,

Some people dont undestand that even when ur the adult and he is the child he could still put a strain on a marriage..

I so understand ur situation, hang in there

You are a great mom!!hug**

[Tinkerbell215]

Hi there, I'm new here too but empathize. We went through group therapy, individual therapy, countless social skills groups, creative play therapy, yoga therapy, one on one therapy, family therapy, multiple psychologists who ended up throwing their hands up in the air and saying they had no idea what to do to get through. It is *exhausting* and you never seem to find anything that has an effect. And when you do find a great program, the therapist moves on or the program ends after a few weeks or months and you are back to square one. Right now we have no formal therapy but are spending the money we were using for therapies on a constant stream of activities: tae kwon do and piano lessons and going swimming every time we have a free moment. Our "home" therapy is basically to keep Child so busy and in constant physical activity that they have no time or energy to get angry. Our child is extremely competitive so that helps engage interest and drive the activity forward. There is a reason why so many professional athletes come from ADHD origins! Since my spouse and I both work full time it's very draining our home life as we never have time for our own things (and the house is a pigsty) but hey...:o)

It is VERY hard to find the right setting with patient teachers who aren't thrown by odd behaviors, tics, and angry responses. Fortunately martial arts instructors tend to be used to kids with all kinds of issues, because it is a common recommendation that martial arts help with self-regulation. When you find the people who don't flinch or give any acknowledgement of impulsive behavior back it really is a godsend. Anyway, that's our strategy for the moment. We'll see how long it lasts...

I don't know where you live, but around here (suburban but near a large city) we have been told that if there is a real breakdown to go to the emergency room. If there is a children's hospital near you then even better. They will do an evaluation and work to find a bed in an appropriate facility. Or at least they *should*. Sometimes is takes a few days. It is not the end of the world and if he is making threats of self-harm it is truly an emergency. And unfortunately is the only fast way to get a child into the right care. <3 <3 <3

Best of luck to you. (I also will say that The Explosive Child is the best book we've found in dealing with this kind of stuff. It's a step by step process of teaching your child how to treat you and others, and to change your own mindset in managing behavior. )