Trying To Aid My Younger Cousin Any Advice? :)

[R9344]

This may be a rather longwinded message and for that I can only apologise, but I will try my best to condense what i'm trying to say.

To first paint a background picture, i'm 25 and have connections to teaching and Physical Education, so in a generalised sense I am use to mixing with children of all ages. My cousin [whom this whole message is about] turned 12, October last year, and has has 2 younger sisters (11 & 7 retrospectively) - he's the only boy, and in-fairness the youngest boy of his age across other family members.

I've always been aware of my younger cousin -whose name is Owen for future reference- and have maintained if ever an opportunity arose I would do football, and sports with him; basically make him my mini prodigy.

If i'm honest it was more a thought I maintained to myself as I'm not the most family orientated person, I prefer to keep to myself, and get on with whatever needs doing.

However going back to last September my older brother was getting married so it was a social occasion I was unable to miss [even thou I tried]. Throughout my brothers wedding I spent the day -by choice- chaperoning Owen around, and basically keeping him occupied, allowing him on my phone etc etc. Whilst I was with Owen during the wedding I was called out by a fair few people with comments such as 'you'll have your hands full with him', 'he's a pain in the arse', so on so forth. I won't pretend to say I was ill-aware of I guess the stigma attached to Owen, but if anything that made me more inclined to keep him occupied at the wedding.

Fast-forward to weeks after my brothers wedding, I was informed by Owen's mum that he is basically enamoured with me, and didn't stop going about our conversations during the wedding, the fact he had my phone, and just basically how much he took to my company. His mum stated her complete surprise at this given Owen suffers from ADHD, ODD, ASD, and levels of autism - this was not something i'd previously known.

Anyhow, I had arranged for us to go skiing (this again last year) and his mum warned me of his tendencies on buses/public transport - however she was confident in myself to be able to handle him.

In simplistic terms I was informed he'd be: loud, uncooperative, won't sit still, attention seeking, overly talkative, and in general rather difficult to get on task and maintain focus. None of which could have been further from the truth - and regarding the talkative tendencies I don't see that as something to be frowned upon.

I was also informed Owen suffers from understanding emotions and what is right/wrong. Again this is a personal opinion only, but what 12yo who is still growing up can fully grasp peoples emotions, and fully comprehend his or her actions. The more you are told you can't do x,y,z the more susceptible as a kid you are, the more you will believe whats getting said. At the same time if you've never been given the time of day to explain previous actions how are you ever gonna know what is right/wrong.

For the next part i'll bullet-point the day that panned out whilst skiing:

•We travelled 4 hours by public transport

•This was his first interactions with me outside of my brothers wedding

•I was informed he struggles taking on board new skills - so skiing was completely new to him

•The journey back the train was rammed and we both ended up sitting on the floor

From the 4 potential trigger points I was warned about nothing materialised, and in my personal opinion any kid would struggle with sitting on the floor with regards to the train, but even that situation didn't cause an outburst. I informed his mum who was concerned about his behaviour, but she was very surprised, and similarly seen this as a moment of 'him growing up' - that said it was tainted by what I see as a 'but' moment; he didn't kick off because he went into his shell whilst on the train. I'm sorry but I personally see that as a throwaway comment, whereby some one is looking for something that isn't there.

Anyhow, continuing to fast-forward, he's been skiing again this time we've stayed over in a hotel, he's also stayed over at my parents numerous times, and this is a part-regular opportunity for him to stay over [i'd say its once a month, and extended time over if its half-term/school holidays]. The first time he stayed over he wasn't overly talkative to my mum and dad (I was told this was down to ADHD), but as I said to his mum if I stayed at someones for the first time I don't think i'd be engaging in conversations with there parents. Again, and not for me to say, but its looking for something that isn't there, and in fairness is seemingly contradictory to what I was told to expect.

Pulling this little tangent back on track, if i'm being honest Owen has become like a little brother to me, and I really look out for him. His mum is well aware that I see him in this manner and has no problems, at the same time Owen himself has said as much himself to me. I've never been someone who is 'looked up to' so this is a completely new position for me to be in. I know Owen -again to his mum and dads knowledge- has confided things in me that, and according to his parents has more trust/respect for me over them. At the same time there is an acknowledgment they do not have any 'real time' for Owen as it is split between his sisters and work. That said from conversations with his parents they think his respect for me it is down to two scenarios:

•Owen has pulled me in on his level

•Or Owen is basically controlling people

Its widely accepted he looks up to me, but its seemingly masked behind one of two 'reasons - those same reasons are used to explain why I can 'not see his 'condition'.

I know its wrong to say be I don't see anything wrong with him - i've not acknowledged that to his parents but there are certain aspects of Owen and his seemingly 'connection' (his mums words) with me that don't correlate with what I have been told to expect.

From my perspective he has been continually placed in a spotlight from a young age, and as mentioned previously he has gained himself a reputation - seemingly nobody is willing to give him the time of day. The simple act of me interacting with him during the wedding; giving him trust of my phone, and basically talking to him as a mate, may have been all he wanted. He's taken my show of faith in him as something he has seemingly not been given before, which has created an instant connection between us. I may be over-thinking things, but I had no previous perceptions of Owen, it has always been a clean slate, so he can be himself, he knows he has my trust, and he knows I place responsibility on him for his actions - theres no 'spotlight' on him when he's with me, and genuinely there is no issues with him. In my eyes the more you are told you are x,y,z -especially at a young influential age- the more you become that character around those who see you that way. In one sense the harder you try to change, the more pressure on you to do so, thus you can't be yourself around those with preconceptions as you are always getting judged.

His mum has this perceptual feeling that everything he is doing is to 'control' alongside the fact 'he' a compulsive liar' and 'is a danger to himself and everyone around him [relative to kicking off]'.

•Compulsive liar - maybe

•Compulsive liar to delay consequence - maybe

•Compulsive liar because he is unsure what to say - probably

•Compulsive liar because its easier to hide behind a lie - probably

•Compulsive liar because he's afraid to say otherwise - probably

Do I think he's a compulsive liar - nope.

Do I think him kicking off ['trashing the place, hitting out'] is acceptable - nope.

Do I think there is an underlying reason – most defiantly.

In my eyes if you feel you are under a spot light all the time, you have been given a reputation from others, it must play on your mind.

What child can truly condense thier feelings into constructive sentences when getting told off? Owen in my eyes is being dealt with with instant 'snap punishments/shouting'. It can go from a simple incident, into Owen getting sworn at, to him them kicking off. As you will read further down in this email, i've addressed on issue with him [regarding my phone] and the matter was resolved with completely different consequences.

As you can see from the few 'background' stories I was told regarding Owen I am off the belief he's been looked at wrong:

•When in primary school he use to make Call of Duty (shooting game) 'care packages' and throw them round the class

Personal opinion - young kid very susceptible to what he is watching

•Age 6 - He was in trouble at home, fell on the bed getting a black eye and decided to inform his school that his dad hit him

Personal opinion - does a 6yo fully comprehend something like that – no

. His confining in me was that he was still angry and just said it was his dad at school [the issues was dealt with after 3 days]

Since this incident his dad has taken a back seat dealing with Owen, and his mum has acknowledged there is little relationship between them.

•Age 11 he climbed out of his room and was reported missing to the police, little did they know he sneaked back in the house without informing anyone. He was well aware people were worried but didn't inform them.

Personal Opinion - Can't pretend to have one for this

•Unsure age - kicked off so was taken in car in middle of night as a 'scare tactic' and told to get out. He didn't and became hysterical to the point police were called to calm the situation down.

Personal Opinion - Attempting to scare tactic a child into realising his behaviour is wrong just extenuates the problems and causes panic because there is no outlet, and in a child's mind they've no perception of whats going on.

•Unsure age - got in fight in school which was caught on CCTV, he denied it was him - and argued his case [even after seeing CCTV] until succumbing to the truth

Personal Opinion - having been in and around school environments this is what kids do, so will admit, some wont. End of the day this is part and parcel of growing up, a child doesn't have the capacity to form an argument so will shout and fight there corner. When proven wrong, if you've made a bunker for yourself before you'll keep the story up a little longer, eventually when the situation has calmed down you'll admit to it. Only have to look at adults, nobody backs down in heated discussions.

•Age 12 (3 weeks ago) - Taking money from small change jar in parents room to spend at school/school meals (he gets packed lunches)

This has happened twice (over a period of time before 'caught') on both occasions he has denied it was him. He mum is aware money is getting used but he's first stated it was his friends over to 'admit' after prompting for a few days.

The same scenario has just materialised now - and again he has stated it was his friends, his mum has rang the school to check, but stated regardless what the school stat she won't believe him as he has a history and 'can tell when he's lying'. I was informed his stealing was because he can theres no excuses, only for to be flipped as Owen seeking 'control' and in failing in line with his ODD and ASD.

Personal opinion - Most kids would take small change from a jar, its part and parcel of growing up with a family, but if he's not been given an opportunity to explain why and from what I gather is 'punished' straight off then thats not helpful to anyone. Regarding the control aspect I keep getting told about - am I really lead to believe a 12yo with supposedly little understanding of emotions, has the capabilities of controlling people?

-Update since typing-

The school have proven Owen was lying because his account shows he is putting money on it. His mate has been questioned but according to his family he gets no money, and it is Owen who has been buying him sweets. Owens mum sees this as sufficient evidence to the fact he's stealing because 'she knows when he is lying'. In my opinion all this has proven is Owen is buying things on his card for his mates. There is nothing to say his mate hasn't acquired money and using Owen knowingly, because he would be in trouble for buying sweets. I questioned if everyone was sat round a table and spoke something might come out from his mate, only to be told its Owen, he's a thief, and I 'don't want to see it'. He's seemingly buying sweets for his mates off his card because its his way of 'control' the 'big I am'

Anyhow the punishment he is now indefinite grounded, off the computer, going places, staying over, so on - that doesn't help anything in my eyes.

As stated before the more cohering you say to someone, and the lack of trust Owen has for his parents, the more likely you are to be talked into admitting something you didn't do. It happened the first time regarding 'stealing' and on this most recent occasion his mum will 'continue to question him' until he changes his position because she 'knows when he's lying'.

Update as of 4th May - I have spoken with him once since the initial incident, and the opportunities whereby he was allowed to stay he's 'lost' because he 'kicked off' and he has attempted to get social services involved again

-Side note regarding this matter-

Owen is aware [or perceptually aware because jokes are made] one of his parents have stole (this is not a judgement on anyone) yet no punishment was forthcoming to them. This is a child who is deemed 'easily influenced' yet nothing is looked upon regarding this matter. Owen is the one in the wrong for stealing [which is correct], thus he should have to regain trust.

His punishment and I quote his mum 'I honestly don't care if restricting him works or not.... the justice system works that way'.

As I pointed the justice system has rehabilitation, counselling, clubs, jobs, responsibilities, visitors, etc - but it was put to me because he kicked off prior to admitting it was him its 'lock down' . As stated before until a situation is calm its unlikely you'll get an admittance straightaway, but similarly he did admit, and he admitted on again I quote 'good terms'. Thereby why he is being isolated as a punishment is farfetched and wrong - its not taught him anything, its just a consequence. I suggested give him responsibilities, look at a volunteer job, something whereby he 'learns the value of money and hard work' - I was told I don't understand because I don't have kids. By that logic Owen wouldn't understand the value of money because he doesn't have any.

I suspect there are more incidents but these are the one I have been informed about -I lie slightly but these are more prevalent in my eyes- and then the issue in school which in my personal capacity/understanding can easily be dealt with but the school are ambivalent to the situation. Again this is merely a personal opinion, but going off what I have been told, the school do not have the SENCO support in place, so have applied for tailored teaching resources for Owen. His mum has requested 1-2-1 for certain lessons but the school have thrown numerous other requests, and that is taking advantage of Owen. They see it as an opportunity to push through stuff they want, and if they fail to receive said funding they'll eventually show Owen the door.

He's a bright, eloquent kid, he's honestly awesome company, and he's said it may times to me, he gets bored at school, he can deal with lessons that involve 'doing' so stuff like Physical Education, ICT, Art etc, whilst he really enjoys his maths. Other subjects however he has an tendency to become distracted, and eventually sent out the class. From a personal perspective he's not being given an outlet to refocus his mind for example:

•Give him lesson summaries prior to the lesson and ask him to research the topic -thereby when the first 15 minutes of the lesson begins (he struggles most here) he is already one step ahead and can engage himself with the topic. That is one very simple scenario, but that is literally the basics of teaching, instead of offering this one method fits all approach, the school should be willing to let him challenge himself at times.

What i'm trying to get at, and I may be totally wrong, but I think the school, alongside his parents have fed this ADHD 'your different' feelings into him. He's 12yo and is constantly second guessing himself, and seemingly is the one who is always in the wrong when at home.

In a general sense not all kids like school, Owen is no different but from my perspective he's being held back behind an illusive of ADHD. It feels terrible for me to type, but I really thing something is amiss - again in bullet-pointed summary terms:

•He doesn't get the attention at home as his mum/dad work all hours and his sisters keep each other company.

•At school like most kids he doesn't enjoy it but plays up more then most.

•He's not given an outlet in terms of work -not saying he's smarter then others- more it's do the same as what everyone else is doing. That method clearly doesn't work for him

•Back to home life he's in trouble at school it runs over to getting into trouble in the house.

•Parents suspect ADHD and meds is the way forward (granted doctors have seen whatever they've seen). School happily agree and push the issue to get funding.

•Owen continues to play up like a kid but is looked up much worse because he's ADHD, ODD, ASD.

•He's aware he's been labelled ADHD and clearly second guesses himself (more on this further on).

•When at mine he's given a level of freedom, a level of trust, and allowed to 'be himself' or 'be a lad'.

•He's said to his mum and dad -to there annoyances- I can do this at Rues etc. Thats not to implicate there is no rules at mine as with respect to my cousin if he was pushing his luck he wouldn't be staying.

•Not once has he played up in numerous scenarios where I've been told he will. Why because he's active - he's doing something to occupy him

•Its clear in my mind that he needs something to occupy him - something active/doing

•But nope - the only solution is to just stick him on meds and basically sedate him

•That doesn't 'fix' anything. As I've said nobody has sat and spoke with him about things its just your punished.

•I find it so wrong he's gonna get medicated, thats just taking away his personality.(I apologies if this is a negative stereotype but i'm typing with real upset about this matter)

Regarding people not talking with him, it goes back to 'knowing he's lying' and the perception he does what he does for 'control' - i'm sorry but thats all wrong in my eyes.

His parents punish him (not in anyway suggesting they should or shouldn't) but there is no lets get to the bottom of this reasoning.

Silly little things whereby he nearly stood on family dog [accidentally] and he nervously laughed

resulted in him getting sworn at and him raising his voice and crying. The point of highlighting that incident was its nothing 'big' yet I feel the reactions from his mum and dad have caused the outburst more then anything else. As a kid he shouts when upset, he can sometimes kick out completely and break things, but there is little to no outlet for him. Again a personal opinion but the more you shout (and in this case swear at someone) the more you'll get a negatively channelled response.

This is in no way comparing scenarios, but there was a very recent incident at mine whereby Owen decided to keep hold of my phone after me requesting it back 3 times. He took it on the toilet and just sat and played games for the best part of an hour. I knew what he was doing like, but just allowed it to pan-out and when he eventually handed my phone back I just put it to him:

•Whose house are you in

•Whose phone do you have

•And what right do you have to tell me when I can and can not have my phone

He was upset and slumped himself crying, with 'I hate myself' and 'this is what I hate about myself' (the second guessing himself) but eventually he came up with a reason. At first it was 'I dunno' [which is his default go to reply] before your upset because I took your phone - I merely pointed out you have my trust regarding my phone so thats not the issue. After some thinking he concluded I place more trust in him then anyone else and he had let me down by 'taking liberties' his words. I asked him why he didn't kick off given I was seemingly telling him off - his response was that he can understand he has done something wrong, and that it has annoyed me. This answer coming from the kid who I was told 'has no understanding of actions or emotions', the kid who 'wants control'. I've also been lead down the lines of Owen apologise as he knows its 'right' but he doesn't exactly know why he is - I can safely say I questioned the word liberties to him to see if he actually knew what it meant/what he was saying and he did. He came to his own reasoning without being 'fed' anything by me, like I said his go to reply is 'I dunno' and seemingly nobody has the time to to move past that. Instead its shout, shout, punished, and cycle repeats itself - but this is seen in his mums eyes as him 'boiling over' as it 'happens in waves'.

I can't say I believe whats getting said, thats not to say he is ill-aware at home, but logic dictates if you shout things get lost in translation - at the same time it basically builds a defensive wall because people don't like getting shouted at, so you'll always get a default reply. As per the 'mini summary' I really feel his is being led down the wrong path, and not in anyway suggesting he doesn't have ADHD but its apparent to me he just needs a level of activeness. Yet he lacks the trust from his parents, he lacks any relationship with his dad, and again this is merely a personal opinion is isolated because nobody wants or has the time to talk with him.

Another opinion -but just touching on this with a sentence or two- Owens mum's childhood was very sporadic and complicated, she has 2 brothers, issues with her dad, fights in the house, and numerous other matters that don't need discussing on here. The main thing i'm highlighting is I feel she is overthinking things with Owen - she is looking at her childhood negatively and massively overcompensating Owens behaviour.

I know he's not my business, but he's become far more part of my life then I care to acknowledge. Owen is not a stupid kid, and is acutely aware whats going on with doctors [he's said as much] so again this is just a personal opinion, but if he is aware certain actions get certain reactions, which in turn leads to attention on his part, he'll continue to push ahead with said actions. I maintain if he is active, engaged, and not just coming home from school doing nothing else, you've an amazing kid - right now its clouded behind the negative perceptions of him.

Its not for me to say but there is levels of trust well beyond what he has given his mum and dad, that in pains me as, lets be honest here, a third wheel, to look in and question things that seem wrong. I have no authority to ask questions, but its my nature to what to help, and I know he has that rapport with me, that I can't just turn a blind eye.

I can only appoligise regarding the length and nature of this email, but i'm honestly stumped what I can/if anything do.

Like I said life was much easier just dealing with my own problems - alas I really feel for Owen and think he is getting well and truly strung along.

Not suggesting he'll be ruined, but I really think he hasn't be dealt with right.

This is not a snipe at my Owens mum [incidentally his mum is my 1st cousin] or dad, but its something I can not really type to them as i'll be told were to shove it (I rightly so I suppose). At the same time through Owen I've become a lot close with his mum, and feel like a lot in common wIth her. She's been amazing with me and the trust I've been given with Owen means the world to me. That said when speaking regarding Owen to his parents I tread a very fine line -likely I favour Owen more- you could say I play devils advocate, but that has been flipped on me as Owen bringing me down to his level. So there is no barrier breaking moment, its just portrayed as 'control' and nobody wants to talk past that point.

It really upsets/frustrates me - because I've seen Owen as Owen, without this clouded perception. He's an awesome little kid, great company, and I am probably overstepping any level of responsibilities I have, but I hope you don't mind me emailing. His mum has said herself he has not had a connection with someone before -yes he has friends his age- as he's 'not given the time' so whilst i'm seemingly in a position to help I can only but try.

It should also be noted this is my personal opinion and is not in anyway a slagging contest/a place to air someones perceived dirty laundry - I may be way well off in terms of my viewpoint but I am emailing to seek advice. I know Owens mum and dad will fight his corner -they look out for him as best as- but my seemingly 'third wheel' stance I am looking at aspects differently. I know between myself, and his parents we could have a perfect platform of ideas to help Owen out, but at the same time I feel my views my be looked upon as rather strong of opinion - seemingly me telling them how to parent there own son. I have no idea if I should even approach this conversation, I have always sat on the fence with what I say - its a point made, but not expanded upon.

[Shotsymama]

I think that since you just started really interacting with Owen, you have no idea how far this actually goes back! His parents have probably been handling his ADD the same way for a long time. Yelling, isolating, carrying on arguments and power struggles, perhaps spanking...The fact is, if that has been his whole childhood he is probably perpetuating bad behavior partially because of this. Yelling effects children with ADD particularly negatively. There are many articles regarding that fact. And, being a mommy of a young boy I know it is hard not to yell, but I am aware of how it effects him and I try my best. It sounds to me like Owens parents aren't connected, in an enlightened parenting way- or a personal way to Owen. Sounds like they need some outside help, you could suggest behavioral therapy, which will also generally include some coaching for the parents. Also, I used to do community coaching for children with mental/emotional/physical disabilities...if there is a program like that around your area it would help soooo much! If Owen has these issues the resources are probably available to him. Kids that feel disconnected often act out more than other kids in general. ADD will be even more so with these outbursts. They often don't have the same emotional control that their peers do. So, even though Owen in 12 he may act like a 9 year old. At the end of the day, it is awesome that he has you advocating for him and seeing him as a human and not just a culmination of his "issues". All people need that! If I could I would give Owen a big hug right now and tell him how important and good he is. That pat on the back needs to come EVERY SINGLE DAY! His good behavior needs to be praised upon daily, and his negative behavior should be dealt with in a calm manner as much as possible. Not the other way around as it sounds.

I'm glad you are trying to help. The world is better because of you 🙂 Keep trying! Good luck! Keep me updated.

[R9344 in reply to Shotsymama]

Thanks for the reply Shotsymana.

I know from speaking with his mum she has stated there was a time when Owen felt he lost her love. She had to show him two pictures - one of him kicking off and the other of him being him - with the pretence 'it's the other Owen I dislike' per say. I know both his parents will fight his corner for him, but only if his corner is worth fighting.

The below comment may be out of context given there is no previous back-and-forth from the chat but this is a direct quote from his mum 'You dont see the daily talks I have with Owen ect when we are together about how he can help himself and how I'll help him but I have to make him aware actions have consequences and how to try stop them he even gets choices on his punishment depending on what he's done,

He is very easily led astray and that's one thing I'm protecting because he'd be the one to be caught (he has been many times) and he then doesn't understand why he's in trouble. He doesn't always grasp the fact hes for to be punished because in his eyes what's 'normal' isn't the norm for what's expected not always a bad thing but in a class room of 30kids theres a shut off point.

Like I've said Owens not text book so what they say will work won't always I've bee. Dealing with Owen since day one I even told the pediatrician what tactics we use ect he was like can I use that for other parents that seems a great idea....

He's a complex kid and is dealing with his punishment brilliantly because I talk to him n explain as much as hes over what he's done, we as 'normal' (I hate that word) people have to take our time to process feelings. I use a plate or paper as a visual aid ... Paper scrunching it up then picking it up saying sorry does it make it unscrunched? Or a plate u can glue it back together abit like trust but there will always be evidence of the damage because that's normal not the say it can't be fixed and reused but to show him how emtions really work and he gets it to a degree.

I suggest u reading the 'conditions' so u get a jist but like I said Owens not text book he has alot of twists and turns and because of how bright he is he can manipulate situations to suit him again from evidence this is why I have to teach him and get him to learn boundaries ect so he knows even tho people are close to him he knows the levels and is clear from the start he can't control situations for himself and tbh I think if he wanted to... He will with you kinda like with the phone he took the piss abit because he's testing the waters and can do so in other levels'

[R9344 in reply to R9344]

They have tried CBT with Owen to limited success because he can't gauge peoples emotions. I know I stated before, but I think -hopefully not perpetuating a stereotype- the medication route is a complete cop out and will ruin who Owen is. His perceived outlet is school clubs, but thats not an outlet, he has nothing outside of school to occupy his mind - and the reality is like most kids they'll get frustrated.

My thinking is also he's limited attention at home so where better place to get attention then at school - to quote his mum [relative to taking money] 'the big I am'. Whatever negative attention he's getting at school with detentions etc is still attention to him. I honestly do feel helpless, at the same time I may be massively overthinking things because I don't know Owen as well as his mum and dad.

Also sorry about the length / formatting of messages - I wish i could lay them out better but it doesn't seem possible

[Shotsymama]

~The children who need the most love will always ask for it in the most unloving ways~This is one of my favorite quotations. Kids who feel better will act better, it is a tried and true theory. As for medication, it is not a magic fix all... if nothing else in Owens life changes except that he is medicated... the result will be limited. Though, it may help him with staying on task longer, it won't help with the negative attention seeking behavior. He needs connection emotionally or he willmost likely be heading down a rough road sadly.