ADHD and surviving

I am a retired elementary teacher who has two grown daughters and twin 13-year-old daughters. I have dealt with therapists for one of the twins for the past two years, and the most important thing I learned was that the anger that my ADHD child shows is not at me. I took every disrespectful word she said and tried to be a strict disciplinarian, which escalated things every time! Once I realized that her anger was at herself, I was able to step back and take a deep breath.

I am working on a master's degree in therapy (I want to work with abused children) and one of the suggestions I ran across truly helped. Choose a time when things are calm and tell the child(ren) that there are consequences for certain behaviors. The behavior that drove me nuts was when my daughter screamed at me in frustration. During a calm time, I said, "Screaming at me is disrespectful. When you scream at me, you need to hand me your phone, because that is the consequence." Days go by. Of course, she yells, I hold out my hand, she gives me the phone and tells me that she doesn't care. I stay calm (for a change) and put the phone away. I noticed that the screaming only happened once a week, then twice, now rarely. I truly think she has to weigh whether taking out her frustration on me is worth losing the phone.

Believe me, I know there are no easy answers. What works for one may not work with another! Experimenting is what parents do! I hope that my suggestion helps someone think of a consequence that works for their family!

[Flournahfam]

I LOVE your post! It is so true that children with ADHD like to engage you in the argument. By discussing it during a time things are calm she was informed of future consequences. Getting worked up only adds fuel to the fire. One thing I have learned is you should only say it one time and wait because if you respond to their objection or refusal it only prolongs the imposed consequence. Patience is the most valuable skill when working with children with ADHD!

[Hidden in reply to Flournahfam]

Absolutely! Also, I was patting myself on the back as a great parent...before I had this child. We all need to be careful listening to advice from others, unless they have the same situation. People who have an "easy" child tend to take the credit! ha

[creativemama]

Reading this helps me more than you know! Thank you

[Hidden in reply to creativemama]

You're welcome. We are all doing our best!!

[Ers3278]

Thank you for your comment. It's extremely frustrating when our daughter lashes out for no reason. It seems to get more intense when it's time to do homework. We've went through therapy but it didn't seem to help much. I do like the phone idea, thanks.