Dead inside

Well the Christmas break of a bit of r and r to build myself up to go back to work hasnt helped at all. Currently at my parents with my son and sitting here like a shell with the world passing me by. I'm anxious about everything and playing a game with my son brought on a panic attack yesterday and I had to go for a walk to calm down. He just wants me t be better and play with him and enjoy the break but all my mind does is think that my life is over and I can't break free from the hell that I've brought on. I'm at a mid point in life where everything is so dark. I can't manage myself, every which way I turn is a disaster. Sometimes I doubt whether this is depression / anxiety or I'm reaping the seeds of making a disaster of my life. On the verge of losing my job, my livelihood, my life and struggling to see anything past today. What's stopping me is my son and I would never want to inflict the pain of me leaving this life on him but as it stands I don't know which way to turn.........

Well got through the day clean and survived. Moments of pain and darkness every ten minutes or so. Having son helped hugely and kept me goin but his mums picking me up took row so not looking forward. I have th desire make a difference just don't know how,,,,

5 Replies

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  • Flatwhite. It doesn't sound like you have made a disaster of your life if you have a lovely son like that. At least you have done something right!

    I think it is depression. With that everything is negative and thats what you concentrate on. I know. The positives don't seem to matter any more..its horrible isn't it? I am like that when depressed. When it lifts a bit I can see the positives and negatives in balance.

    I have ended up with nothing in my life - no partner, no kids and a family who doesn't really rate me or want me. But hey I have good friends. And I own my own property.

    I lost my job through depression and sickness and have been out of work these past 3 years. Can't get a job. If you are talking about your life being a disaster - join the club!

    I don't want to ask the obvious sweetie but have you been to the doctors? Treatment should help a lot. Depresson is not your fault! Its a horrible illness and very common (I read that 1 person out of 9 has a mental health problem sometime in their life). No one should judge you, unfortunately they do though - but IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. Its nothing you have done wrong. If you had a broken leg people would be a lot more sympathetic but because depression is invisible its not so obvious.

    Remember you can only do your best. Sometimes your best is c.... but so what. No one can ask more of you than your best. If thats not good enough then tough...

    We all understand here and are here for you.

    Go to your doctor please. Let us know how you get on.

    Lots of HUGS and kisses xxxxxxxxxxxx

    Bev xx

  • Thank you so much for your reply. I've been the doctors for last 3 months and ot upped from mirtazapine 15mg to 45 now on fluoxetine. That's been about 4 weeks and side effect of not sleeping has knocked me for 6. Just keep telling me that cbt will help but probably not til January. Scared that I will loe my job and everything and most of all my son. I just went for a walk and sat at the train station and contemplated jumping. The only thing stopping me was my son but as for everything else it seems dark now but I keep just prompting the fact the I will lose my job, be bankrupt, lose access to my son. A bit like yourself I feel very lonely and for all my family and friends try to understand they just don't get it. Not sure how to carry on at the moment :(((

  • I take sertraline 150 mgs which is quite a large dose. Does seem to help. Because of not sleeping I also take 15 mg of mirtazapine which helps enormously.

    Had CBT and found it quite good.

    I seriously do think you need to go back to your doctor if you are having suidical thoughts and feelings.

    I do know about the dark....More than once I have gone for a walk near cliffs (I live by the seaside) and thought very seriously of jumping off. I can only say put it off and decide you aren't going to kill yourself that day. Next day do the same. Take it day by day.

    I am very lucky to have a couple of friends who do understand depression but none of my family do. I just don't say much any more. I will just say I am tired instead, or I feel a bit ill (make up something physical). Sometimes its easier than banging on about depression.

    Let us know how you get on please. All the best.

    Bev xx

  • Thanks for reply. Agree day by day is the current plan. It mentally it works.mshame have to cope with work at the minute but forced back andnpressurenmounting. I too have a couple of close people who I trust to tell the truth and also thennegativenthoughts which got worse over the past few weeks. Even visited sites for possibles solutions and planned for today last week but made it through. Will hurry and devastate others so much and working on trying to deal with the dark thoughts. Got back cbt next week whichcimknownis not a magic cure but something has to help like last time :)

    Another day safe and a new day tomorrow :) xxxx

  • Lol flatwhite I have been on those sites several times myself....I found myself thinking well I have foxgloves in the garden and there are posionous mushrooms on a local nature site! Oh dear...

    Hope your CBT helps again....

    Ditto

    bev x

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