I'm not really sure what I'm looking for writing this.
I have a long, long history of depression and anxiety. Early this year I had come out of CBT and I was feeling OK. Not better, but OK. Now I'm a bad way again and I don't see how I will get out.
I don't trust my GP to help me. I've had to put in a formal complaint because I went to them try and get screening for a certain condition I thought could be contributing to my problems, I was told 'We've never heard of it', told I was just depressed, and they tried to put me back on anti depressants. I pushed and they promised to refer me to the correct people. It never happened. I have to go in next week to discuss it and I'm terrified. I've had several people offer to go in with me but I don't trust anyone. It's going to go horribly.
I'm really scared. I've fought for a long time to try and get better but neither medication or talking therapies have worked. If they won't what on earth else can I do? I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to punish myself for being so monumentally useless. I've admitted to self harm in the past before, but now I'm throwing myself into walls and punching myself in the head daily without even meaning too. I know I'm probably doing myself serious damage, but I'm too embarrassed to get help. If I tell my GP they'll never take me seriously again.
I'm lost. I don't know what to do any more.