What was I doing?

This week my mood was pretty weird and I don't get what was going on. On Monday I was really grouchy in the morning - for no reason - but it was the kind of grouchy that could be laughed at, it wasn't like screaming at people but just growling about everything. That cooled down after by break and I was normal. I had my school counselling session and I decided that we should end my sessions because I had been getting better. But then at lunch, I was walking to meet my friends and by the time I got there my mood had dipped and I was really quiet. I didn't know even what was wrong, nothing had happened to make me upset and I hadn't even felt the mood change. My friends were asking what was wrong but I just said I was tired and got annoyed as more people asked. I was with one of my friends at after school revision and she was making jokes, trying to cheer me up and talk to me but nothing worked. When I got home my mood was still weird until around seven when I got back to near normal.

The next day I was fine when I walking to school with my friend but then when I got there my mood went weird again. I was sad and quiet for no reason and just didn't want to socialise like usual. One of my friends (who slightly suffers from depression) was asking me what was wrong and I just said that I didn't know. I had noticed that I wasn't really feeling anything anymore, I was daydreaming without dreams, I had no thoughts in my head and I couldn't shut out the outside, all I could hear was everyone else talking and laughing. I wasn't having negative thoughts or anything, I wasn't having any thoughts at all and I wasn't feeling much, I felt empty really. I had had this feeling of wanting to cry for most of the day as well. No tears were coming to my eyes but there was a feeling in my eyelids. In Business studies, this boy in my class threw mine and my friends book on our desk and I had the feeling again and a minute later I cried. It was only two tears but it was almost like I had to force it out of me because I knew that I wanted to cry even though there was no reason to. That just made my friends more worried. When I'm with my friends at lunch, I never put my head phones in but I did most of this week, just so I could listen one song on repeat (Brother by Matt Corby if that's necessary) and drown in my sorrows basically. Tears actually came to eyes like three times in that lunch - not because it's a sad song though - and I kept staring into space and stepping away the group. Then I went to music class and by the end of it my mood had lifted a bit. When I got home I was normal again.

Next day, I woke up and I was back down again and I lied to my friend so I didn't have to walk to school with him. I had music and I was with two of my friends that naturally make me laugh and I only smiled around three times throughout that whole lesson. I was practically falling asleep in class, when people asked what was wrong I stopped answering and just ignored them and again I had my headphones in listening to that one song. At the end of lunch I went up with my friends to one of our teachers and they were all laughing with him and one of them made a really funny joke and I knew it was funny and I actually saw myself laughing in my head but I didn't even smile, just buried my head into the table. My teacher had even asked me twice that day if I was alright. When I got home, I was exhausted, called in sick at my piano school and put my hood up and curled up in my chair. I ended up going to bed at around nine, not even bothering to watch Dallas - which I love - so was a bit weird. I had a dream that night that I had a big fight with my friends basically, they were sick of my moods and didn't want to be my friend anymore, one of them either hit me or was going to - i forgot - and i started crying in the dream and woke up. When I woke up I started hysterically crying, it was snot flowing, tear flooding, breath gasping crying not just silent tears. I felt thinking 'they're going to leave me, why does everyone leave, why does everyone have to go, they left me' etc and I couldn't stop crying for ages. I didn't have a clock but I know for sure it was longer than a few minutes. I've had bad dreams before, where someone dies or I'm covered in spiders but I have never reacted like that, I was surprising myself while I was doing it. As I started to cool down, I was thinking about if I should tell them about what had happened but then I started seeing myself as an attention seeking and went to bed. That dream kind of made me think because I was crying about my friends leaving me (even though they hadn't) and I had previously had a crying fit a month ago about my dad, brother and old friends for leaving me.

Thursday morning, I woke up with a stuffed nose and puffy eyes but I didn't want people to suspect anything - at that moment it wasn't obvious no one would suspect I was crying in sleep - so I put on eye cream and said I had a cold. I was still down but I felt a bit better and could force myself to talk to my friend on the way to school as he's very talkative but he still mentioned I looked sad. I was quiet although until third period on wards where everyone was making me laugh so I was bit cheery but still down.

Mid Friday, my mood lifted properly and I've normal ever sense apart from little moments when I feel myself going down so I have to actually push myself back up.

Also, during those days whenever I crossed the road I would think about walking in front of the vans - not because I'm suicidal, I just wondered what would happen(if i'd go over or under) and plus I'd seen something about a guy who walked in front of a van.

I read that exercise releases some sort of chemical in the brain that improves moods and I think that may be why I was usually fine by the time I got home because I walk home and it's around a 25 minute walk. I previously made a post about my worry over if I have depression or bipolar or anything else is wrong which I'm still concerned about but the thing is around a week ago I said to myself nothing's wrong because nothing that bad has happened in months so until you have another 'depressed episode' nothing's wrong with you and now this weird thing has happened so I don't if subconsciously I acted like that on purpose or if something is wrong.

Also, I wasn't on my period or anything so I know it weren't because of some hormonal 'thing' and I'm fifteen if that helps.

If I'm honest, I don't actually know what my question really is, I just need people to comment because I don't know what to do.

3 Replies

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  • Hi, good morning. Seem sound likely u got depression bipolar disorder. Please extra take care of yourself well. I also suffer bipolar disorder depression for 28 years. I am keep trying self help myself. I read understood yr story. Don't worry too much around here many nice friend will advice u. I wish u stay happy forever be a happy person. Learn to control when your mood swing appear then u should to know to get over it. Slowly step by step.

  • Would u like try go to counselling for help they will advice you. Hope u can see big picture stay Postive mind.

  • I've been feeling low and at a loss all week, no thoughts or reasons that I know of. I've felt like crying, cried or not been able to on occasion. I even got my new motability car and felt nothing. [not me] I made the right noises to friends and family who know how excited I get even at small things, but felt detached. I know though that it will ease and improve.

    try to keep going to your counselling, even if you feel better.

    keep in touch,

    sandra.

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