Am I depressed or just trying to be?

I'm unsure whether I'm depressed or have bipolar or if I'm just want to be so I have a reason to be feeling/acting as I have. Ever since I was small I've been quite an angry person, I got into numerous physical and verbal fights (mostly with boys - I'm a girl) when I was in primary school (elementary in america) school and I was always under stress because I'm a carer to my disabled mum and people were always make fun of me and talking about me. I'm also very antisocial and shy so I don't usually socialise and will conversation and even find it difficult to make simple conversation with my closest friends and then some days I'll suddenly be really loud and disruptive in class (I've always argued with teachers) and be talking so fast I'm stuttering and I'll be smiling at strangers in shops.

I have a very low self esteem which pushed me to only wear large black hoodies and jeans two years ago (that's toned down a bit now) and also caused me to stop going to my youth group that I loved a few months ago because I didn't want the people there to see me. I don't leave the house unless I'm walking for exercise, going to school or going to the shops for my mum, turning down my friends when they invite me out. I often write songs that are downgrading and basically bitching about myself as if I'm a separate person and am representing how I think other people see me. Also, there have been times when in my head I'm basically yelling at myself or I'm hearing yells that I can shut out after a few seconds, I don't know what's being said but it's just a cluster of loud voices, I'll remember it happening and then it'll just happen again. I'm quite pessimistic and feel as if there's no point in me being around as there's nothing memorable to look back on and nothing to look forward to and people don't benefit from me being around and I often daydream about this alternate version of myself living a good life and then feel worthless after I realise I won't live that life. I went through a period where I pictured myself ending up as an alcoholic (I don't drink) and would find myself staring at the vodka bottles in off-licences and thinking about stealing the small shot bottles.

I've lost many friends because sudden quietness and down attitude. I was never rude to them but I never told them what was wrong because I didn't know if I was overreacting and acting stupid or if it was something serious (that's why I haven't gone to a psychiatrist or my GP yet). Lately, I have also been fighting back tears constantly after seeing simple things like friends I used to have laughing together or getting a detention for forgetting my homework. I have quite violent dreams where I'm fighting people from school who have made fun of me, the kind of fighting that'll get you sent down for GBH. I've also noticed that I'm forgetting things a lot lately, for example I'm talking to my mum and mid-sentence I'll forget what I'm talking about and I've found myself daydreaming a lot more during the day even when watching tv and reading. It takes me ages to fall asleep sometimes an hour and no matter how late I fall asleep I'll wake up around 8am. I've had a increased interest in sex as before I was the typical awkward teenager but the past few months (definitely the past weeks) I've been reading magazines like cosmopolitan and talking about sex with my friends especially the boys at my school. I've noticed that I nearly always tired and have a head, shoulder and neck aches. I will have periods when I stop playing my instruments because I'll think 'I'm crap there's no point' and stay away from them for weeks and then one day I'll wake up and write a song straight away before I get out of bed. My appetite is also odd as I'll eat a large amount of food (not mountain size but larger than my mum) and I'll be full and then five or ten minutes later I'll be hungry again and I'll basically have to avoid my hunger so I don't overeat and then some days I'll wake up 8am and not eat breakfast till 2.

I'll also go from feeling over the moon and really optimistic to feeling worthless and empty in what seems like a few seconds.

I heard that exercise helps with depression which made me notice a change in my moods lately as I've taken up walking and pilates lately as an attempt to lose some weight (as I'm insecure about my appearance) which I feel has calmed down my strange appetite and I don't feel as up and down when I exercise although I feel the same when I'm not exercising.

I've done loads of self diagnosis tests online, that I know aren't 100% reliable but they do give you an idea of if you're suffering from bipolar or depression, and I've passed everyone that I've done but I don't know if that's just me saying anything to convince myself I have it as on some tests it's blatant what answer will get what result.

I'm sixteen if that helps.

3 Replies

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  • Hi

    Welcome to the forum good to meet you. It's sound like you have had a tough time this last couple of years and I am sorry to here that. A lot of the symptoms and feelings you describe could be down to depression but I am not a doctor so would suggest if you feel you could to go and speak with your GP. A good tip is to wright down any question you have and points you want to raise that way you won't forget anything, All the doctors I have seen have been very understanding and easy to talk to.

    Try not to be to hard on yourself and defiantly keep up the exercise as that has been proven to improve mood. You are not alone and we can relate to what you are saying and feeling so please do keep posting here and we are here to help.

  • Hi,

    First of all well done for taking such good care of your mum, not a lot of people would be willing to do that and it's so nice that you've agreed to do so at such a young age. However, I'm wondering if there are any family members who could perhaps help out a bit to give you a break from it sometimes? That way you could work on socialising or doing a hobby which you enjoy i.e. walking or exercising which you've stated your starting to enjoy.

    I understand it can be a bit difficult to work up the courage to go to your GP but I really would recommend it. The negative thinking, feelings, behaviours and physical symptoms are all related and they all affect each other. So please don't feel you are acting out because you want to feel depressed, if you are feeling down and have negative thoughts then this will affect your behaviour and cause you to act out in the ways you've described. This happens in all of us and your not just doing it because you want to be depressed, we all do it if we're experiencing a negative reaction to events in the outside world.

    Well done for coming here and sharing this as it's the first step forward to positive thinking!

  • i definitely think that you should visit your doctor. as u are sixteen there my be many things that could be affecting your well -being and stopping you from enjoying your life to its full extent, but you do seem very upset about the way you feel.

    Changing hormone levels can also make people uncertain, and cause depression, as can peer pressure, with a desire to fit in. being a carer is such a responsible and often difficult job, which few people of your age would apprieciate. your doctor will have details of organisations and help accessable to you, and will support you. good luck.

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