Woke up this morning feeling a bit fragile and thought that giving an update might be useful for me and for anyone who has hit rock bottom.
It has been about 3 months since my breakdown and things are looking a lot better.
I really only had 2 1/2 weeks off sick and have been back at work ever since and functioning at some level. Over the last three weeks things have improved dramatically and I have a bit of confidence in myself and can see some glimmers of the future (that look ok). I have asked work to extend my phased return for another two weeks as my full shift is 44hrs net and I just don't have the energy yet.
I am still seeing a counsellor and on the sertraline.
I have a good morning routine, which I have kept up most days (never had that before) and am making the effort to do social things - choir, ordered a canoe and have got an archery lesson on the weekend.
The BAD is energy or lack of it. I remember being like this before, functioning but a bit of a zombie (although this time I am super aware). I would not describe the feeling as tiredness but as fatigue (body and mind) and this means that the good stuff (choir, meeting people, learning things) starts and has already started to fall away and is replaced by; up, work,dvd, early bed, Saturday recovery. If I cannot break that cycle ( a 9 year cycle) I fear that I will end up back in another breakdown and having no reason to go on.
It seems like either the body is willing but the mind isn't or the mind is willing and the body isn't. It is frustrating and I am not wanting to suddenly be running marathons etc but just to do a few nice things outside of work and have the energy to enjoy them.
I know the sertraline will be having an effect, but it is helping in other ways. I will ask the doctor for his advise, I have wondered for a long time whether I have sleep apnea and low testosterone so will explore all options.
This time I am not letting it go, I will fight it all the way. I have got this far and thought that impossible, if depression and anxiety are going to be with me forever then all three of us are going to have to compromise as I have been dancing to their tune for too long.
Thank you all for being here.
Thinking of all of you and your ongoing battles with the mind.