Update, the good and the bad (I think we have passed ugly)

Hi Guys

Woke up this morning feeling a bit fragile and thought that giving an update might be useful for me and for anyone who has hit rock bottom.

It has been about 3 months since my breakdown and things are looking a lot better.

I really only had 2 1/2 weeks off sick and have been back at work ever since and functioning at some level. Over the last three weeks things have improved dramatically and I have a bit of confidence in myself and can see some glimmers of the future (that look ok). I have asked work to extend my phased return for another two weeks as my full shift is 44hrs net and I just don't have the energy yet.

I am still seeing a counsellor and on the sertraline.

I have a good morning routine, which I have kept up most days (never had that before) and am making the effort to do social things - choir, ordered a canoe and have got an archery lesson on the weekend.

The BAD is energy or lack of it. I remember being like this before, functioning but a bit of a zombie (although this time I am super aware). I would not describe the feeling as tiredness but as fatigue (body and mind) and this means that the good stuff (choir, meeting people, learning things) starts and has already started to fall away and is replaced by; up, work,dvd, early bed, Saturday recovery. If I cannot break that cycle ( a 9 year cycle) I fear that I will end up back in another breakdown and having no reason to go on.

It seems like either the body is willing but the mind isn't or the mind is willing and the body isn't. It is frustrating and I am not wanting to suddenly be running marathons etc but just to do a few nice things outside of work and have the energy to enjoy them.

I know the sertraline will be having an effect, but it is helping in other ways. I will ask the doctor for his advise, I have wondered for a long time whether I have sleep apnea and low testosterone so will explore all options.

This time I am not letting it go, I will fight it all the way. I have got this far and thought that impossible, if depression and anxiety are going to be with me forever then all three of us are going to have to compromise as I have been dancing to their tune for too long.

Thank you all for being here.

Thinking of all of you and your ongoing battles with the mind.

Cheers, Matt

8 Replies

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  • Sounds like you're doing really well and you are fortunate this has been such a short episode. Mine is now 4 years and not improving.

  • I admire your courage and determination MattBuckland to fight this. I am doing the same just now .. onwards and upwards

  • Well done it sounds like you have come a long way, keep it up. My constant tiredness kept getting brushed off by doctors as just another symptom of depression but then I was diagnosed with sleep apnoea earlier this year and would definitely recommend getting tested for it if you feel like you are still exhausted no matter how much sleep you are getting.

  • Well done you are doing well.

    Your Medication will be making you feel tired, Be patient with your medications. A good percentage of people suffering Depression may only have one outbreak, Do not be in any rush in coming of the medications, make sure you are feeling well

    009

  • You've had a breakdown and battled your way back very quickly, so I'm not surprised that you're still feeling exhausted. Your body and mind have been through a lot whilst you've been dealing with all this. Take it slowly and allow yourself plenty of time to rest because recharging your batteries is just as important as keeping occupied and active. There needs to be this balance I reckon. It sounds like you're doing great, well done!

  • It sounds like you're doing well but having some doubts. That sounds completely normal. When I've had breakdowns, sometimes they'be lasted months.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. It'S a positive you want to get out and do things outdoors, interact with others. I hope your recovery continues and you follow up on your health concerns. I really admire your pluck. Hugs, Nessie 237

  • Hi Matt it sounds as though you are focused and that's good talking about what you went through and still are is hard for a man stigma and all that I discussed my breakdown with my male friends and got some surprised looks.i had my breakdown last year I was off work for 3 months and moved back in with my parents for a while.im back with my wife and daughter now have moved house and have a new job it's been very hard and it I'll is some days a couple of my friends are on anti dep so I do have a circle who I can relate to.i hope you have understanding friends or colleagues.its a journey we are all on and some of us just go a different route.good luck for the future and never give up.

  • when I have sleep of the mind but body willing I find just little enjoyments are the best, like coffee with a friend or a stroll round the shops with a hot choclate at the end . Just something simple if I have sleep of the body but minds behaving then I will go to cinema or out to a social event. I also suffer from stress in crowds so I deal with that as it comes. I also have chronic pain which restricts my movement. But you where talking of the mind and body so I will leave it there.

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