This is one of the first times I'm talking about this. I feel like it's easier to do it here than to anyone else.
For the last 5/6 years I have suffered from depression. This has been the longest years of my life and I don't know how I am here today. I don't want to be here but I am.
It all started in year 7 when I was bullied and have been through the whole of School. The first thing people said to me was that I'm gay because of my voice as it was slightly high pitched. For this very reason people believed hitting me and calling me gay and a stalker was ok. And I learnt that it was ok I had no other reason to believe.
Then came the abuse about my dads death. He died when I was 3 and he was a very good solider who I look up to every day. He died fighting for his country yet people still made fun of this by making bomb noises and laughing at me.
Then came the physical abuse. My step dad always used to ask me how I got my Bruises on my arm but I never said I just ignored him. He would have flipped if he saw the ones on my stomach and chest. My man never really cared though we've not really had a relationship since my dads death. She doesn't care about me and just disregards me as a person.
The last three years have been the hardest. I didn't leave the house for months and just stayed in bed.
I gave up my Ice hockey, Boxing, Guitar (which I loved and helped me through the hard times) but the most important I gave up on my friends.
One week last year I was playing football and I collapsed on the pitch and got rushed to hospital, to find out I have a heart condition Which could effect me. At this point I knew my time was up and I tried a drug overdose and somehow survived.
After this incident, I spent the next three months not eating because I was 'fat and A waste' as people said to me. So I lost 5 and half stone in 3 months.
But then something amazing happened. I met this girl called Claire. She didn't know me that much and shouldn't really care about me but she wanted to help. I started getting a little bit better. But it never gets better really so I tried slitting my wrist open 4 days before Christmas and failed once again.
After the holidays I had to walk around college with Bandages on my arms because the School said 'My arms were not suitable for school and might put students off' but yet they failed to even ask if I needed help or I was ok.
Then I got my act together after sitting on a bridge about to jump but someone stopped me. Claire. And she told me 'we' will get through this and she's the first person to care about me and want to help. Now this might seem like I love her but the great thing is I don't and we are like brother and sister.
But like I said nothing good ever lasts so the last 6 years I have struggled to sleep. But the last 4 weeks I have not slept last 6 days not one bit of sleep. Because I can't. I just cry and cry and cry and cry.
People say that it's a rough patch and that you can get through it you just need to push through. But that's not correct. We go through good patches which cover up the bad part. I'm in a constant bad patch which is covered by a day of good patch.
I will put pictures of the three months difference. I also feel very ugly, I know I'm not a pretty person and I know I'm fat and I'm useless and I'm not worth anything I accept this.
Well that's my story. I've missed a lot out. But the overall picture is I want to die.
Thank you
Written by
LewisRirie
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Lewis, I am very sorry you had to go through all that pain and suffering. First let me say you are very handsome young man! As hard as it is you need to love yourself because you are worth it. Believe it or not there are extremely nice people out in the world. I am curious if you have been to counseling or got medicine for your depression. If not please do so. Please take care and if you need anything I am here to listen.
NOOOOO you sound amazing,keep fighting this and the above has really touched me. Im really praying for you n everyone on here . My daughter is experiencing this bullying at the moment , makes me soooooo rageful. Its really really really hard but try get your guitar out . Stay on here mate ive only been on for two days but it defo helps knowing we are all not alone in these suicidal thoughts x
Thank you, I'm trying my best with the guitar but I just can't pull myself to do it. And I hope your daughter is ok because I know how it feels and people may say words will never hurt me but they do.
Easier said than done i know but please try , ive been forcing myself to keep going so hard too,its bloody hard . Those kids at school were punks lol, what are you doing with your time? X
Last few months I've not really left the house I don't want to but before that I'd just got into playing football and I was enjoying it until I went back to normal x
Awful when our normal is depressed ! Grrrr! It cant get any worse! Well we have to tell ourselves this exercise is great if u can find a little motivation. No doubt you know this anyway keep staying strong x
Hi Lewis, I am so sorry for all the pain that has been inflicted on you which you really did need so much support but didn't get.
Depression isn't just a bad patch that you have to get through and get the odd good one in between, it leaves its scares on the inside in the way of thought patterns that are very strong and established, so it is much easier to recall these feelings than others.
So to cope with this we have to learn techniques that can give us back control over such devastating downward spirals to survive. To do this we all need help and that can come from so many places and even though there is a lot out there, still it can be hard to find what's best for each individual.
Having reached the end of of your spiral several times you have shown yourself how much courage, strength and determination you have, all be it in the negative. Please realize you can change, gain control over your inner being to help you see there is so much that this life can offer us that is so worth experiencing once you have the best support to show you the way.
The depression may well come and go for a lifetime, but life is so so much more when your not in the grips of disspare. Please never be alone with this, speak to your health providers, contact people like the Samaritans when you don't think you can take another minute, talk to us all here, everyone understands.
The you that's now is not who you will always identify with, you are worth so much and so important to this world, never underestimate who you are or what you can achieve.
So sorry about your situation I cannot believe how some kids behave name calling is common but abusing you over your dad's death what kind if mentality is that? I have never been bullied maybe coz I am mostly oblivious to everything around me but when my daughter was bullied I would tell her to either ignore or show them it does not bother her it went on for weeks and at the end she confronted one of the girls and it ended. But mind you they are only in junior school and she is like me nothing bothers her.
Think it this way ....you wanting to kill yourself it can't get any worse. Talk to someone. Being happy for some people is like learning a new skill. Going off your interests is letting the bullies win. Gradual baby steps. Picking up the guitar playing a few strings. If you feel down distract yourself. Watch a standup routine online. Psych yourself up. This is something you have to do for yourself. You can get all the advice and support from all of us and Claire but you have to decide to be happy. Have a good talk with yourself and set out plan of what you want to do. It will take months but get it done decide to be happy tell your mind that you will be happy and do it.
Trust me I know how it feels I don't remember the first few years of my child's life coz all remember is sitting in the corner of the kitchen wanting to die. Then one day I was sitting on the floor and crying and my girl came running in and gave me a hug and then ran out and I realised I can't go on like this. I know it's tough and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel I am still depressed but I distract myself I can't be alone and I have a Pandora's box in my head. When you feel you can't... watch something or go for a walk not with your thoughts maybe with music. When you read this don't think oh it's hard I can't ..say yes this is what I am going to do. Say it and your mind will agree with it. Also I am a mom a wife and a sister with depressed brothers I know how to nag. 😜. So decide and say yes
Your post has really touched me. I am not up to sending a long reply but have read the others. I am truly sorry for all the bad things which have happened to you. Please do keep seeking help. It is great you have Claire as we all need one person who believes in us; you are worth bothering with; it is just the other people in your life have been so neglectful and cruel . At the moment take everything day by day and maybe tell yourself "I will seek help today" or as Bev has written on another post "I decide not to die today". Do seek more professional help too. I think that when you are a little better counselling could really help you a lot xx
I've not really had anyone care about me since I was 3 and my dad died and it's not nice. I want to believe you but people tell me other things about my appearance. But I have the only friend I need in Claire 😊 which is the greatest thing ever thank you
Bless you LewisRirie. I am 58 never had children; would love to "adopt" you if you ever looking for second family Sure I'd make a great "mum". Let us know how your're going on. xx
I feel for you, my past was hard and I was basically brought up by a surrogate household even though my family was still around. All I can really suggest is that as soon as you are old enough, I know it is hard although I feel you may be better doing that as you will be able to live your own life more fully away from the distraction of your Mother.
Could it be possible for you to go to college or Uni and live in a hall of residence, the reason I suggest is, my Mother is or was a shrew and I only began to feel free when I walked out the door. Although by that time family had been so nasty my future life had bad affected by family and sibling rivalry. Tat is why I suggest you make your own way as soon as you can.
Talk to our GP about your feelings again, sometimes you can get the wrong CPN and you could be unable to relate to the last on. Your new CPN may be ok for you and you may also be able to talk and relate to that person. We are all different.
If you have suffered by the hands of a bully you need to talk to your form master and possibly the Headmaster, this has to stop as this will not only affect your study, also future life choices.
With regard to your young lady you are very lucky as it seems she must think a lot of you to stay on the pretext of just being a friend. When we find someone like that it can be as valuable as a kilo of gold brick. Be kind with her she will help and hopefully sta by you
Thank you so much! I've tried talking to my school and they just didn't help with anything. Just concerned with me ruining their reputation of having a school not full of bullies.
I am moving out as soon as I can only 10 months then I am gone. If I get that far anyway.
Regards to Claire. I will never hurt her because she is my best friend and is the reason I'm still here today.
Thank you for you suggestions and I will take them all into account.
Hi Lewis,
Sorry for not replying to your message earlier. Been having a bit of time myself lately.
I agree with the other posts you are not ugly and you've had to put up with a lot. I am sorry that the counselling didn't work for you. You try and see if you can find someone else to work with. There are so many techniques that are available today and it may take you time to find ones that work for you. I've tried a lot of different ones, and finally found some that work for me. I have the occasional blip and go backwards to not sleeping or sleeping too much, but I am learning to recognise the signs and what to do and you can to.
Your post shows that you are intelligent and that you have a friend who cares and wants to help you.
Everyone on hear understands what you are going through even although we all come from different upbringings and back grounds.
Please keep talking to people and trying to find a counsellor who you can work with. Finding a counsellor you feel comfortable with and you can relate to can take time, so please don't be put off by your first sessions.
You owe it to yourself to be good to yourself and I know it's not easy, but those people who were bullying you at school are the stupid ones. You should still be proud of your Dad and You have a lot to look forward to.
If you can try and go back to your guitar playing as a way to help with the stress, if not see if you can find another hobby to help you. You might find learning about goal setting and making a plan for the future might help you as well.
Your life is precious and you can have a successful life and happy times. Everyone has ups and downs in life and anyone who says they don't have downs is not being honest with themselves. It's just that our downs and be really low and we have to develop extra skills to help us cope. I don't know about you but I kind of think that makes us better people as it means we have had to become more aware of ourselves and learn more skills which I don't think is a bad thing.
You can do this and the people on this forum are here if you need any help or advise.
Please take care of yourself and please if you every feel so low that you want to cut yourself or do anything else please talk to someone. I was hurting myself last year and I am a lot older than you and I knew at the time it was stupid. I've made an absolute promise to myself that I will never to that again and I find this forum is a good way of helping me in the low times.
Take care and I wish you the best for the future. Please keep in touch and remember if you have questions or have a problem your not sure of and you want to ask please do so.
I am so glad you have a good friend like Claire to help you. Friends like that are very precious. Trust me I know how precious friends like Claire are I have one from school we've been friends for over 40 years, last year when I was at my lowest she was also very ill and couldn't drive. We banded together and even although she couldn't drive and I couldn't sometimes due to my medication we were able to support each other over the phone and as soon as I could I was visiting her and we were helping each other out. Turns out most of the time we were giving each other the same advise. (Our Mum's are friends and they were commenting on how we'd not been in touch with each other for ages and then when it's needed we are always there for each other.) Those friends don't come along to often and it sounds to me like that is the friendship you have with Claire. So take care of her and of course of yourself.
If you need to talk, vent, advise we are all here for you.
I hope you can find a counsellor to help you and that you are able to find the skills and techniques that will work for you.
Hi, first off all thank you all for your messages and no need to apologise because I wasn't expecting a response of anyone. It's great that you have your alone time. I'm not allowed mine because they believe i might do something to myself.
And I have tried guitar I picked up for the first time yesterday but it was very hard and only managed for 15 mins. I went to the gym to see if that worked. But due to the state of my arms I had to where a jumper and I couldn't do it because I was too hot and struggling.
Me and Claire, honestly, she is the best thing that has happened to me. I've only known her for a few months and yet it feels like years. And of course she has her own problems and I try my best when i can even if I'm down I try my hardest to put my problems a side and help which I can do most of the time. But sometimes it gets too much. She understands that but she is happy that I help as much as possible. You know I've admitted this too many people that if I had known her earlier. I wouldn't be in this mess and I would be happy. She's like a sister, my best friend and I wouldn't want it any other way.
About the counselling part, my old one out me off it a lot. They were condescending and made me feel like it was my fault, I don't know if it is my fault, so I've never really given it a second chance.
15 minutes od guitar playing that is great, even if you only managed 5 minutes a day you'll eventually find it easier.
Sorry that you didn't get on with your counsellor and though you were being blamed for everything. As people we are all different and somethings people just don't jell. It is possible that your previous counsellor was just trying to find out what cause your problems in the first place, but maybe their tone of voice or wording wasn't giving you that feeling. Having spent time coaching archers and being coached when I was competing I know that it's hard to find someone you can trust and feel comfortable with. There was one coach I couldn't work with because I would just get all tense and clam-up whenever he touched me to try and get me in the right position when I was shooting my bow. I eventually found a coach that I trusted and who understood what I was looking for in a coach. Same thing with psychologists and counsellors, sometimes if they are using different words or terms from what we are used to it can cause us to clam up or not want to share all out experiences.
If you find that you don't understand what they are meaning, please ask them as it's really easy to have misunderstandings and it's better if you can be honest with them so that you can build a good relationship and they can then see how you are thinking.
I know from my own experience that I was blaming myself for a lot of things cause it was easier than dealing with the issue.
I am glad that you and Claire are helping each other. You know that if you don't have the answer for Claire, maybe just helping work out where the best place or person to go to for help may be enough.
Good that you went to the guy. You know that you can get long sleeved t-shirts that can keep you cool when you are exercising. I found that I liked the ones that they sometimes sell in Aldi or Lidl. You have to watch for when they have then in stock, but I needed long sleeved t-shirts that were tight fitting on my arms, but kept me cool for when I was competing during the summer months. I still use them if I am out all day coaching as they protect me from getting burnt and don't over heat me. That might be an idea for you.
Another idea for you and Claire is goal setting, you could do it for your guitar playing and any tasks your counsellor gives you. Goal setting is good as it gives you something to work towards and as it's all written down and you review it at regular intervals you can see how much progress you are making as well as what you are aiming for. Always best to do it with someone helping you as that is easier.
I lost the ability to goal set with I was really ill last year, but m psychologist helped me out. Funny thing was I could do it without thinking about it for other people, but not for myself. That is why I know it's better to get someone to help you with it. It you don't know about goal setting there are lots of articles on the internet, just don't read to many as that may confuse you. Happy to go over the basics with you if you'd like, just send me a private message and I'll send you details on it.
Take care, keep up the guitar playing, going to the gym, working with your counsellors (remember if you don't understand what they are saying or if they are making you feel that it's all your fault let them know they are there to help you). Also remember it is okay for you to have fun as well, try and do some fun things every week.
Take care and you know where we all are if you need help.
HeyLewisRirie, I know what you mean about having that friend of gold (Clare). Sometimes I think that when we are at our worst angels are sent for us and she has obviously been sent into your life for a reason, namely to help you want to carry on and to give you some of the support you need and vice versa.
Believe in life LewisRirie, I can see you are trying so hard; going to the gym was a good move. You will get past all this having to hide your cuts and so on; I can really feel it with you; that this will just be a difficult period in your life.
Keep writing , keep sharing; it isn't your fault of course it isn't; you have just found yourself in difficult circumstances to say the least. So many people are not sensitive or caring. See it as a blessing the person that you are. I can see you have strength, you are responsible, sensitive, a lovely young man who is just struggling very hard at the minute
I think you have had so many responses because you openly showed yourself to all of us and we can see from your face and from your writing what a lovely, sensitive, intelligent young man you are. It does help as well that you are "good looking".
I know it isn't fair in that some of us are not but see it as an advantage, whether that be towards males or females by the way who cares? From a selfish point of view being gay myself I would prefer my children to be gay but whether you're gay or straight, you are lovely. (Expect I'll get a few complaints about that and have to justify/explain, but it it's quite simple; we all like people who are like ourselves whether we admit it or not)
By the way NO I am not implying that you are gay as only you know that but if you are then "what is wrong with us" is my point; it's just the way some people are .
Lewis, I feel you've touched many people's hearts on here and we want you to come through this.
Don't just dissapear, let us know all the things positive or negative going on for you.
Thank you! I'm not gay but I give a lot of respect to people who are because I bet it won't be easy to tell people just like Deppression. And thank you for your comments about me not many people agree but thank you so much!! Xx
Yes you are right Lewis. Regarding the gay thing I am not "out"; only one of my friends knows about it; it does create a lot of stress and can add to depression or anxiety feeling there is "something wrong with you". I cope by compartmentalising it all; some other people are "out". Guess it's up to them and what feels right. You're lovely by the way; you have replied to everyone ; some people don't and then sometimes you can feel like you've put a lot in without getting anything back but not with you. I like your honesty. xx
To be honest I wasn't expecting anyone to care and respond so I felt as people did I should thank them. I read every single one and take in what they say. And if your not out that's fine because at the end of the day it's your choice. You are such a nice person and have a lovely Soul. There's nothing wrong with you don't worry because there is people put their like bullies who have something wrong with them. Thank you for your message!
P.S don't ever feel pressured into telling me people you are gay but if you ever do come out im here to help!
LewisRirie, that is really sweet of you and thanks I've noticed that most posts seem to last about three days but you are going strong at 8 days and please stay in touch; you're such a lovely guy xx
Hi I have been reading your post and the replies but haven't commented before mainly because I find it hard to relate to young people and am never sure of the right things to say. I agree that you come across as extremely intelligent and a lovely person. You won't go far wrong in life love. Oh and I also agree you are very handsome. Take care. x
Thank you and I'm honoured you wanted to respond anything is just great. And take care yourself as well x
Well Lewis, there's something about you that attracts people. 32 replies so far, that's 32 people who care about you and want to help you. I would say you're making progress, the people on this forum are so kind and caring, and give excellent advice
I noticed that you are very nice looking in both pictures, 'hot' is the term used here in the States. I also picked up on the fact that you are quite intelligent. No, you haven't fooled me, I'm very intuitive about people.
I feel people have let you down badly...family, school counselors and teachers and I imagine there are many more. There is one person who can help you and that is you. I know your life is a big knot right now, but you can start sorting it out. Don't even try to take the whole thing on at once, take it one thing at a time. When you're feeling stronger take on another issue. If you need to take time off and regroup do it. You are the one in charge.
I have been through this and I can tell you , you have to walk through the fire. It will be very hard, but it will strengthen you.
When you are feeling down write about it, try and think of what you can do to change things. Sometimes there will be nothing. Move on.
The bullies are the Neanderthals of this world, not much thinking power there. I would avoid them and if I couldn't do that and I'm going to get hit anyway, I would tell them what they are, but I wouldn't put myself in any danger.When they call you gay ask them what's wrong with that, or ask them if they want to find out. None of my suggestions are meant as anything except ideas to help you to think differently.
I really hope you keep using this forum. I think we all feel a connection to you.
Sorry to hear about your bullying. Having been through bullying myself at school which also started around year 7/8 and picked on by my own cousins it's not a nice experience. I can really understand and related to how you feel so I won't say "chin up everything will be fine". There's no magic bullet to this.
No one is ugly or smart. those who are proud to be smart end up being smart arses and those who think they are ugly end up being the smart ones.
Like you i thought all the things you did, that i'm not smart, hated looking into the mirror, too thin being just under 6ft tall, long thin face I felt people thought of me as some sort of ugly hate figure by keeping me out of the picture I didn't even like people taking photos of me because I would have to look at myself. it affected my ability to make friends and relationships.
When I was 1st diagnosed with severe depression at 29 all the hate that arose from people picking on me from years ago built up and I honestly felt it was payback time. I ended up shouting at my own family, my sister and my dad for not making me strong enough for this world and I was all wrong. Now I'm really proud of them.
My point to all of this is that memories are very difficult to let go of especially given the hurt it has given you and if you feel therapy and medication has not helped then you need to find a way to acknowledge the bad memories and practice to move on from them, I don't feel there is any other way. at 29 it was difficult because I had alot of things to juggle, a job, marriage expectations, bills, learning to make friends let alone relationships but you are young and have time to come to terms with it before you become a proper adult. Your memories are ones that are most strongly linked to how you feel and they are mapped in your mind and can induce stress and panic when you think about them or when you are in that situation.
The 1st step is for you to acknowledge how you look and be proud, practice looking in the mirror and smile like you do in those photos. My own mother suffered from Ectrodactyly (deformed hands and feet). she didn't let her disability get in her way and became a qualified dressmaker and a very sociable person, people actually enjoyed talking to her and found comfort in her supportive nature. She questioned why she was the way she was, hated it, but one day she came to terms with it and made the most of her life. You are a smart, able bodied chap who likes his football and carry on with that and be happy with yourself. Join a football session at college maybe during lunch or after.
Once you do that then the next stage is coming to terms with your bad memories because lets face it, if you don't deal with them then they will always be there taunting you for years to come. Now, one of guys at school who picked on me is now one of my best friends i meet every month for a pint of sparkly spring water at a pub. talk about facing your enemies. I also meet my cousins who hated me, picked on me and kept me out of the picture. they never even came to see me how I was coping since my mum passed away 9 years ago and when they did it, it felt like there was no heart in it. it takes time to build that trust lost for years and slowly you build that trust back, not in one go but gently.
Society does work in strange ways. One day in 2003, one person who was a regular bully at school, shouted my name from a distance and strangely came and shook my hands, smiled and asked how I was. I didn't know what to say. maybe people learn from their mistakes and mature up, who knows.
Dying is an easy option to take but consider the hurt your mum might get from it, she might think she was a failure herself for not being there for you, maybe your step dad will think he was not a very strong fatherly figure he should have been because the shock of you gone suddenly will be a huge bitter pill to swallow for your loved ones so it makes sense to be brave and lets get this sorted. Its not going to be an easy journey but you must find courage to nip this while you can.
I've done a blog on my own experience and how I came to deal with it and I hope you can find something in it to give you ideas to help you
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Sure I'd make a great "mum". Let us know how your're going on. xx
Same thing with psychologists and counsellors, sometimes if they are using different words or terms from what we are used to it can cause us to clam up or not want to share all out experiences. 
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