Not sure what to do

I have suffered with depression for most of my adult life. I brought my 3children up bymyself and coped. I had no family to help me as my parents died when I was young.. My teenage daughter is 17 and due her baby next month and I recently got engaged to a wonderful man who wants to spend his life with me.am I being selfish in wanting to enjoy my life and be happy? My kids seem to think that I should be at their beck and call and not be happy.. Or do I give up my fiance and be miserable. I know if I stay il end up in a mental ward .

16 Replies

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  • It is your life, so decision must always be yours. Till now your life was devoted to your children ,and now it is time you live for yourself. Of course there is a space for your children. Remarrying does not mean that you should or are giving up your children. Please talk to them ( children ) and let them understand that you also have a right to enjoy life and lead a comfortable ,stable and peaceful life. The children will always remain very near to your heart. So please go ahead and live your own life.

    With best wishes.

  • Watch Dr David Burns on YouTube and buy his book called Feeling Good. It's a best seller with over 5 million sold in USA alone. There are techniques in the book which are tried and trusted for over 30 years to help depression.

  • Explain to your children that it's your time now, you don't love them any less but it's time for you to have a life. Best wishes Lorna.

  • You deserve happiness , I too have brought my kids up alone and I have a wonderful partner , my youngest is autistic but also won't see or accep my partner , I t is hard to believe you are deserving when you've dedicated your life to your kids alone however we are ...your kids will eventually grow up and have lives of their own maybe even move away , so go for it ...I find it very hard to focus on my relationship but am trying ...good luck ...x💑

  • That question does not even need to be asked. Of course you grasp the opportunity to be happy. If your kids can't accept that then tough I'm afraid. They will get over it.

    The ones who are selfish are them if they think you shouldn't .

    But are you sure they don't want this for you ? Have you asked them are are you just assuming ?

    Please be happy with this lovely man

    Dee

  • Hi you don't say that you are moving away from the family ? If you aren't why not try another approach. ..maybe suggest that your family are gaining a father figure and you a partner that loved you.

    i lost my mum when i was young and my partners mum has been there for us all. I moved to 4 doors away from her and she has been a great support. .we are inseparable, she helps my daughter with any care i need. ..

    And i wouldn't be without her now.

    Good luck with your decision and remember you can do it take care x

  • Absolutely not, you have been at their beck and call all your life. Now it's your turn to be happy. Do not feel guilty or pander to your children's wishes, be happy you deserve it, they have their lives to live, you now have a happy future ahead of you take it and enjoy yourself. Do NOT let them ruin your chance of happiness life is too short 😊😊😊😊😊 xx

  • Hi,

    You must be proud of yourself for coping with what must have been a difficult life at times. I expect you would like your children to be able to have that self esteem too, but without the total loss of your presence.

    A reasonable way forwards might be to tell your kids that you love them and of course would be there for them in an emergency (although there are limits), but you are not going to live their life for them as it would not be fair on them. Your daughter needs to learn to cope as a mother, as you did, and you would do her a disservice if you were too close. Can you help her get a place of her own, and agree to pop in every week to check on her. Maybe be around for the first week to help her recover, then gradually withdraw. hopefully once she has experienced standing on her own two feet she will enjoy it and learn to be proud of her independence. At least you will then be around as a grandmother, which is more than you had.

  • Hi, You have a right to be happy and you need to do what will make you happy. Don't give up on love of a good man if it will make you miserable. It makes me angry that kids don't realise the scarifies that their parents make for them and that their parents deserve to be happy as well.

    Explain to your kids you will always be there for them, but you are in love and your fiancé makes you happy. Hopefully your kids will see that you deserve to be happy as well.

    Good luck.

  • I think you already know what you must do but why must it be a case of either or? Unless you are moving far away, why can't you be happy and look after your children when they need you?

  • Why cannot you do both? Unless you are moving away, you can be happy and be there for your kids as well. No?

  • Your kids are being selfish, everyone deserves happiness. Reassure your kids that you still love them and will always be there for them, I'm sure they will understand! Xx

  • It sounds like your 17 yr old daughter is your youngest, right? It would help to know if your children are living on their own or still living with you-- and if you are supporting them... If you are all their means of support then you do have a problem, but hope and pray that is NOT the case...

    Have you talked with your fiance' about this? Would you be moving in with him -- or he with you?? I apologize for seeming so nosy, please forgive me, but all of these things would make quite a difference... Do you have any kind of counselor, minister, etc that you could talk with in person? That might help.

    I wish you all the very best... Let us know how things go... sending you love and a hug, I know you could use that! :)

  • BettyA, you have asked some good questions here.

    Another question I have is does she feel pulled in two between them, at a time when she might otherwise be looking forwards to the new addition in the family?

    Our children do not stop being our child when they hit a certain age, or get married, or have a child. There is no specific time to cut contact. What they need is to take control of their lives, but have us around for support, and vice versa. This grandchild may be a source of love and fun for both the Grandmother and her fiance, but choosing to cut off contact in order to pursue a life without the old responsibilities could stop a bond forming at a crucial time.

    If the fiance feels he cannot pursue a relationship with this woman if she has her kids around, is he really the right person to choose, however old the kids are?

  • You, too, have asked some good questions, Finding me.... and I really don't have the answers... What no one else knows is what the people involved are really like... So the best we can do is generalize not knowing if they are loving and giving, or older (grown) and simply being selfish. We just don't know...

    I had a chance to remarry...twice...but declined both times because I KNEW that I would ALWAYS put my still-at-home children FIRST.... and this would not always be fair to a new spouse...So..... Its all so very individual...

    I knew of one case in which grown children stopped their mother from marrying a very nice man...why? Because good old Mom was a free babysitter, would give them money, her house served as a hotel for their guests, etc... and a new husband in Mom's life would have gotten in the way of their USING their Mom....So... like I said...its all individual.

  • Ahh!, bless you! You need to live for you now! Your kids are being selfish. They don't mean to be, they've got used to having you to themselves. They feel threatened no doubt. But it's your time now and you deserve to have a happy life. I know you feel guilty, but you have no reason to, and maybe a family meeting is needed to talk it through. Please let me know how it goes? And I wish you every happiness you deserve it.

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