Sigh

Been feeling low again the last few days. I feel like I jinxed it by visiting the doctor and tellin her I was fine with not adjusting my new medication dose. Well it went down hill from that morning appointment onwards. Been on the verge of tears and so alone ever since.

I hate every inch of my life as it is but still I love the people in it. Crazy? Don't know but I think my relationship is over and I'm angry but devistated at the same time. I've lost the person I thought was my soulmate and I can't do anything about it. I feel like I've spent the entire relationship apologising and for what... I was the success, mine were the kids who got awards and parents who said why can't you be like her kids. I feel like I destroyed my children's lives moving and falling in love... And for what.... The love was one sided because when I needed love and support all I got was loneliness and criticism and reminders how wonderful and sexy everyone else was.

It was like a part of my old life was repeating ... The bit with me not being good enough... No matter what I did. The bit where every lass with a pulse was more important or worth listening to but when I say all to me... Nothing. Cant talk to me. Aaaah well maybe if I was blonde had a bigger bust size and couldn't spell GCSE I'd get a conversation.

I've felt so low and so alone and I have no one to talk to. It's hard to explain how crippling it is to feel alone when yore with someone and they're more interested in chatting to other lasses then hearing that yore in pain. It's harder knowing noatter how much you love someone you're not good enough. I didn't meet the standards.

Then I slap myself every now and then when I'm angry but of course I'm not allowed to have feelings.... I sit and bottle my anger because I try talking and no ones interested. I sit and angrily realise it's not about me meeting his standards. He should have wanted to meet mine. He should know my favourite TV show or favourite food what music I like and my favourite song. He should know these things because they're what make up me and more fool me for forgetting I have value and a lot of it

2 Replies

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  • That's the attitude BRS. Now you know all that all you have to do is put it into action next time you find love. You sound like you know it intellectually but not emotionally. That's what you need to work on. Bev x

  • Aah, I do feel for you. He obviously had different standards and expectations :( its such a pain having to go through it again - but on the plus side - you will get that excitement and newness again.

    Sue

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