I am in a weird place tonight. I had a very rough day at work making mistakes that were my fault for no good reason. I look around my home and wonder why I live like I do. I am alone with a make shift wildlife refuge. It is my profession and I take critters home normally if they are healthy enough to enjoy life but not strong enough to take care of themselves. I work an insane amount of hours a month. And there is not much of 'me' left. My blessings include my partner, my pets, the fact I do have a job to pay my bills and that I am lucky enough to know relatively good health minus my mental illnesses.😋
Did you ever wonder what your life would be without depression? For me I am sure I would of had children. I would get my drivers license and be able to go to restaurants and enjoy a proper meal without all the anxiety I get about food. I would be able to wear a bikini and other summer clothes instead of wearing a silk shawl to my knees, big floppy hat, sunglasses and carrying a parasol in one hand and a bottle of 140 factor sunscreen in the other. I am a size 0 in clothes- but something in me prevents even the thought of the sun touching me unbearable. When I was young I always had sunburnt shoulders and naturally sun bleached hair. And now my hair is medium brown but the sun has bleached he colours out of some of my hats.
If I didn't have depression I would be able to visit my family I have not seen in 15 years. I would be able to have a few drinks without my brain taking me to sadder times in my life. I would be able to wear make-up and do girl things without the fear of being labeled as a joke or a clown. I actually am afraid to dress nice or do something with my hair in case people think I am 'trying' and still look bad.
If I didn't have depression I would not stay up all night listening to mental recordings in my head of harmless conversations seeking for clues or hidden messages to what people must of been really saying. Seeking things I know everyone would be able to understand but since I know who I am - I must look harder. Because knowing me means I likely missed the obvious.
If I didn't have depression I would not be so skeptical of others. I would trust my instincts more and realize I do deserve to give and receive love like everyone else.
If I didn't have depression I don't think I would even be able to recognize myself.
What are your thoughts?