Bad night

Feels like I am a wheel picking up speed and losing control - looking forward to crashing just to end this.

I knew today was going to be tough. I had two social style,drinks,early this afternoon. Had long walks and ate out for my meal. Did everything I am supposed to do to feel better!!10 hours later needed one Lorzapam - and I am thinking now it will be'2mg. I will try my best but,sadly I need it. I'll wait a bit longer.

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  • Hi I know what you mean. Is lorzapam a med you take as and when or are you supposed to take it daily? If daily then the accumulate effect will be better than taking it only when you feel you need to. x

  • Thank you for your reply. I only take Lorzapam as needed. I really don't like it because it totally knocks the wind out of my sails the day after I take it. It takes one or even two extra naps to end that tiring feeling. I have take only two in the last three months. It really works though. My doctor said I can have up to 3 mg. I have never taken 3mg. 1mg and super rarely 2mg. It just is not worth it the next day unless I feel I am really really really ill.

  • Is Lorzapam like Diazepam? Does it relax and calm you down? I took Diazepam for a week or two after my husband died. I was getting panic attacks. It was a real help. I was warned it was addictive so I eased it off as soon as I could. I still remember the lovely feeling of calmness that swept over me. What a relief! Sometimes we just need a drug to get us through. I don't remember it affecting me the next day but I was in such a state that I wouldn't have noticed.

    You are right to limit them as much as you can but do take one if you feel really bad.That's why the doctor gave you them. xx Myra

  • I am very sorry for the loss of your husband Myra.❤️🌹my doctor explained to me once that most drugs ending in Pam- like Lozapam and diazapam are the same family of medications precribed for stress. Like you I respect they can be addictive but they certainly do bring relief! I hope you are feeling a bit better now after the loss of your husband. ❤️🌹💐

  • Hello Aspen

    Were you celebrating something to day or was it a chore that you would have preferred not to do. Can I help?.

    BOBx

  • Hi Bob! How are you? Thank-you for your kind offer to help. Yesterday was a half day for me at work. Normally it is every morning and every evening until 10:30pm. I wanted to really savour and celebrate this day because I have a very heavy,schedule starting soon once again.

    My boyfriend had a two hour meeting in the city even though he would of been home on plenty of time to see me even for a couple of hours. But he said he was too tired. My boyfriend currently is unemployed. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world that notices how precious free time from work is when a person works a split shift 6 days and sometimes even 3 weeks in a row! I still worked four hours in the morning but was determined not to let my half day off slide because of my boyfriend.

    The afternoon went well- I had a couple social drinks early in the afternoon by myself while I was in town. I didn't buy anything but enjoyed a bit of window shopping and a very long walk. Then i ordered my evening meal from a restaurant which I rarely ever do because I prefer to save the money - but i really wanted to try to say I am worth celebrating - and try to treat myself to say even if no one else wants to be with me on my half day off- that I will have fun anyway.

    By evening my boyfriend called and he was talking and crowing proudly like a rooster about how much money he was going to be making in his new 3 month contract job. He has not worked in 6 years. So fine- I am listening to all this. But he is 47 years old and sounded to me like a child bragging about all the cool things he learned to do at summer camp. Except he is 47 and really for a man that age all the bragging he was doing was not impressive. He gets fitted for a uniform, and if someone shows up to work without their ID they have to be sent home and he gets such and such allowance at lunch-and basically telling me he was the biggest wheel in the cracker factory.

    Then he asked how my day was and my upcoming schedule and when I said a bunch of days coming up with triple shifts and i was feeling very stressed by it- my boyfriend replied he had no time to listen to me because he was tired after his 2 hour meeting in the city. I worked twice yesterday as much as his 'meeting' and that was supposed to be my day off! He said to me if I don't like my job I should quit it...

    Well unlike my boyfriend who has not worked in six years and has always lived with his parents - I can not just quit my job. As well as my training is specialised and I moved to this town just for my job. So if I quit I will have to pack up and move myself to another place I can find suitable work. He just sounded like a bratty child - the kind with the backward hat on with his tongue sticking out at his elders. I told my boyfriend that he really had changed and that I was going to hang up the phone now. And I did.

    I had a peaceful buzz to my head for a while and then an angry angry rage where I safety took my frustrations out on some plastic containers to save my fist from getting seriously injured on anything harder. This is not my personality at all- but the rage I felt was so powerful and gritty inside. I thought about how stupid I was for being in this relationship to begin with. He is married to his mother and cat- and I am the mistress he sees once a week bringing gifts of 5 litre jars of pickles and leftovers from his mother's refrigerator. Random junk. Whereas he just asked me to buy him Designer Sunglasses - and I did. I don't even own any sunglasses at all for myself.

    Then I took one Lozrapam and went to bed at 9pm and just tried to clear my mind. I told myself when I wake up and it is morning I won't even care he didn't call me back. I truly felt that. And then around midnight he calls me all apologetic and I listened but it didn't heal what I was feeling inside. He is supposed to meet me tonight after work at 10:30pm and we'll get something to eat. But he won't come in my house to visit because his cat needs him home to get 'treaties" before midnight. I wonder if that cat turns into a pumpkin if it doesn't get 'treaties' before midnight- but we'll never find out.

    His mother could give treaties to the cat. He just wants to go home to have a jazzcui bath and stretch out on his king sized bed watching his flat screen television. And I don't have a bath or television at my place and up until I met my boyfriend I just slept on a mattress on the floor. I am a hard working simple pleasures kind of person and he really likes the finer things in life. After his 3 month contract of work he already has plans to go on a holiday to,Flordia! I worked my job for 4 years straight with never more than one day off a week....... No holidays, no Christmas, no vacation - and never once a sick day. And after 3 months he knows in advance he will need a two week vacation in Flordia after his labours.

    Then this afternoon he calls me very angry at his mother and how negative she has been treating him since his father died 2 months ago. She says he doesn't work and talks on the phone a lot. Well...... That is true. But he gets very upset when he is told that. He has done a huge amount of work on their family property but nothing to pay their bills. But he does take great care of his mother - really at my expense as he spends all his meals with her, takes her shopping, and never once spent the night at my home in the 3 years we were together. So no my boyfriend doesn't work but she is in her 80s and has a son to look after her full time with anything at all she needs including company. My boyfriend said to me many times running out my door that he doesn't want to leave his mother and cat alone at night. I am 41 and have been left alone since i was 15 alone and fending for myself at night. And I have a feeling that his mom and cat would survive as well.

    Bottom line is- this is what our relationship is. Either I accept it- or end it. There is no compromise as he told me so. There is a contract option for me in 2017 for 3 months in China. And my boyfriend wants me to say yes and come live in my hotel room for 3 months. But what about his mother and his cats midnight treaties then? I don't think I will take the contract in China. And if I do and see him lazing around my hotel room being the tourist by day while I work 12 plus hours a day.... I think I will be shipping him express post back to his mother and cat.

    I was with him every step of the way during his kidney cancer and kidney removal - and the stuff before and after his Dad died. And it was just recently he did things that really upset me.

    For example when you are having a conversation with someone and instead of listening and replying - you speak in an unflattering mocking voice repeating back what the other person in the conversation is saying....

    I moved to this town 4 years ago and know no one but my boyfriend and coworkers. And he was saying how I should go out to spend time with friends. And I said 'I have no friends' and he put on a nasty whiny mocking voice repeating back at me - my very words. This from a man who sits on his rear all day and talks to his 'friends' on the phone for hours a day. This was one of the pivotal things that happened that made me loose respect for him. I never would mock someone like I was 5 years of age in a school ground- and there he was at 47 being a saucy ignorant brat.

    I am hurt because I really believed in him. And looks like I am going to be on my own again soon. He has two best friends who are cheating on their long term girlfriends with other girls who do not know that they have long term boyfriends. I know that if he wanted to do the same on me he would have full support and help from his friends like those.

    I just am so tired of something - not sure what- but I am tired of something. I looked into a form where I can take a leave of absence from work and keep my job sercure. So it makes me good to know I have an option like that of I need it.

    I don't know Bob. I am not sure if anyone can help me understand all of this. I have no family and no friends - just my job. People who have family and friends probably think I am the lucky one for having the job. But after the job is done of me working 6 days a week -12 shifts a week- or MORE- there is not a lot left of me to fight. Thank-you for your kindness. I hope you and Hazel and Pax are enjoying the warmer weather. My racer pigeon is tucked under my chin while I am trying to type my letter. He is my feathered best friend and Angel.❤️😇🐦😋

  • Hello Aspen

    Your boyfriend seems to be hoping that his three month contract will lead to bigger things and I suppose He must be putting all his hopes on that. Possibly that is His problem and has not understood only you seems to have any sort of solid employment.

    One thing I find strange is the fact how close He is with his Mam at forty seven. I was kicked out in all intents and purposes when I was in my late twenties when I managed to completely fly the coup, although at that time I was spending less and less time at home.

    If your boyfriend is becoming independent and make his own money why does he need to sponge of you. He is still being quite childish and should understand money needs to be worked for and that Mother and son should be paying their own way.

    The China chance for you sounds fantastic and you need to do that as China is a fantastic country too visit, we were there about fifteen years ago we accessed from one of the old Soviet States to Kashgar and traveled overland by train along the Silk Road, ending in Peking. If you get the chance to travel there after your contract go for it. The country will blow your mind.

    To put all into perspective, you are early forties and He is forty seven, you really need to ask yourself what you really want. If your man is still a boy what will that bring about over that three months.

    Can you honestly think your boyfriend will be off to the States in three months time. If you take this new placement, that may be your making. What do you want in your life. Personally life is too short to hold yourself back at this time as you are not getting any younger and you need to move on.

    Personally look for situations that will make you enter a productive time as your condition with this man is holding you back.

    He also needs to be honest about himself, He is no more than at the most twenty years to retirement. He will not seemingly go far over that time as time is passing Him. Do not make that a problem in your future Go for a progressive period.

    BOB

  • Thank-you for your reply Bob. His relationship with his mom is a strange one. He plans on handing over nearly all the money he makes in the next three months directly to his mom to put towards their house which they have been saying for three years they lost to the bank. It is a huge home. I really don't understand how they say they have no money and are going to loose everything and then go to a market and buy a hundred pounds and more worth of flower pots! I love flowers too! But my mind just doesn't get how they spend things when they say they have nothing. My boyfriend started up with me saying he was going to give me 50£ so I can put a shirt he would like to buy from the internet on my credit card. He already knows that is a sensitive area after the last time I did that for a $1600 USD purchase he accidently short changed me on the exchange - by 50 pounds. I asked for that money back so many times. Even as I bought him his very expensive designer sunglasses I told him that I want to buy him gifts I choose- not be stiffed for purchases I did not chose to make. To me it is a big difference between me giving a gift I want to and him not giving me enough money to cover a purchase he makes on my credit card. He is generous to buy me lunch and take me to the shops. And I am generous buying him designer sunglasses and items for his hobbies. But the credit card thing happened almost a year ago and I actually think there must be something wrong with me for even caring about the money- but it really is the principle of the thing that bothers me.

    I am not worried about my biological clock anymore but I am worried a bit for the future i have ahead of me being alone like this. When I was in long term relationships I felt more like wanting to do even the blandest of chores because it would fun just because I was with my partner. However my boyfriend of 3 years and I never mopped a floor or did dishes or worked in their garden together even though I offered.

    My boyfriend had a months work last year and his guy friend bought him a ticket to Flordia to stay in his condo. This particular friend is married with two kids but out of all my boyfriends friends he is the least i like. When my boyfriend was in the hospital he brought him a nudist magizine of nudists at a beach party and mentioned a dozen times how their was kids at the party too. Like little naked three olds and such. I just did not find this humour at all funny or whatsoever interesting. I found it vulgar as even though I don't know anything about nudists I am pretty sure they don't want letcherous people oggling their kids even if it is some attempt of humour. My boyfriend took the magizine and handed it off to another male friend telling him to get rid of it before his mother saw.

    Your adventures in China do so amazing! I lived in South East Asia for 5 years as a teacher starting when I was 30. I do miss it sometimes. The spices and some of their food was so delicious.

    Thank-you so much for being there for me Bob. No matter how everything plays out it means the world to me to know you, Hazel and Pax are somewhere out there willing to lend an ear, offer advice or share interesting stories.

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