Seeking emotional peace

Today once again my boss at work has destroyed me. I really don't know how to deal with this. I am being a scapegoat and he does this to everyone not just me. But I am tried of having to cry and feel a knot in my stomach everyday.

I left early today. I am thinking about finding a way to go part-time. But my morning shift connects into my evening shift. So whom ever does my morning shift probably should be doing the evening shift.

I repeated this so many times how I work a split shift 6 days a week and feel I never able to enjoy my afternoons because I know I am not 'done" for the day. I actually looked on line to work seasonal work in a hotel in the laundry department. Not my career I studied for. . But then I would not be treated like his anymore. To throw away my entire career because I am not mentality fit seems really pathetic. I do feel a panic attack coming on now because of my breathing and sweating. This is so in humane for a person to have to feel this way when they have done nothing other than what they were told to do. My mind feels like it is going to snap. I have not eaten anything at all in 24 hours and the only pleasure I seek right now is to go to bed. I actually am not working tonight because there is a project going on that has nothing to do with me. So at 4pm I plan on going to bed until morning and get up and go to work again. My apartment needs to be cleaned but I am too tired emotionally To do what needs to be done.😓

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  • Hello Aspen

    You have been on site several times and it would seem your work environment is not only stressful also you seem very unhappy because of the hours you have to work

    One thing I would advise is you keep your GP informed regarding your health and if not already it may be a good idea to ask for some talking therapy. Personally I feel you need medications to lift the mood and you will most probably need to take these medications for a period of time until you get your life back on track. Only your GP can really advise you on a way forward.

    Personally you seem to be stressed at work, with long hours split two ways where they expect you to work over two extended periods a day.

    If you are so unhappy, and you say you are qualified for certain types of work. Would it not be a good idea to look for another position you are trained to do as if you do work that is self destroying that will make matters worse in the long run. So really you need to look at a new position that will not become soul destroying

    Not knowing what you do would it be an idea to look for an other position doing something that is more suited to your abilities, like the work you do now ??.

    Possibly the Job Shop, Agencies, Local Press or something like that, may help

    Of course I do not know your situation and all I can do is suggest. The country is so very uncaring at this time and things are not going to get any better for you over the next five years as we know how things are going to go in the extra budget in July. That is something else you need to consider when looking for a new place of work

    What is the situation in your work, do you have any alternatives that may come about for you are there any other departments you could move to??.

    BOB

  • Thank-you for your reply Bob. It means so much. Just hearing kind words and advice does make me feel less alone. My father used to say - if you tell someone you are going to throw them out the window; make sure you are on the first floor of the house. This meaning if I say I am or want to do something - i better be prepared to go through with it.

    I have been trying to think of a way to explain things precisely to my doctor. I think I will write it down in bullet points. But what help am I asking him for? Do I want a psychraitic leave of absence? Do I want him to write me a letter saying he recommends I do not work on a particular project that I don't want to work on because in the past it lead to panic attacks and set me off on a major depressive disorder? I mean if that is the problem my employer would not want me working for him anyway.

    The only way I survived my evening shifts a few months ago was a Lorzapam as soon as I arrived to work. I am prescripted them and am allowed one a day. But I stopped taking them because it was making me very sleepy and it was not safe. And because I noticed I was having like a hangover type of feeling in the morning. So I have not taken any Lozrapam in maybe 3 weeks. I would of today if I had one. Instead I went for a walk to get a glass of juice and went somewhere quiet to lay my head down for as long as I thought I could get away with without someone wondering where I was.

    I blame all my irregular behaviour on kidney stones. So whatever emotion I am struggling with- if someone asks I blame that. I was thinking today it is better I walk away from a discussion with my boss asking can we talk about this later I need to go to the washroom, etc. Rather than becoming extremely out of character for myself. Rarely, rarely, rarely do I experience rage but when I do it is a lose lose situation for everyone. I am not a violent person and I never raised my voice practically ever in my entire life. But I grew up around a lot of violence. And when I feel a warm rush of rage wash over me I know to walk away. No one will remember 3 months from now if I excuse myself from the room because I feel the stomach flu coming on. But they will remember if I totally loose it and take either an active panic attack or act on my rage. Only once did I totally loose it and went somewhere at work and kicked and slammed a couple of garbage cans around. That was not a sane thing to do but I chose that over freaking out and having a melt down in front of the staff. My boss accused me on the morning my boyfriends Dad died of being inconsiderate of my co-workers phoning in I may be late- even though I even came to work on time. I should not have been at work at all- I should of stood by my boyfriend. THREE other staff called in sick that day with the sniffles - and there I was after staying up all night in the hospital and my body in tremors. I could not stop my legs from shaking and any descent person would of thanked me for coming in and sent me home.

    On the day of the funeral I asked to come in very early. I have a security pass and wanted to make sure it opened the rooms That I need to work in but are always open when I arrive to work. They had no problem with that - but asked why I would come in so early before the funeral. Why not come afterwards? I stood frozen in disbelief and then my boss said - oh because the afternoon workers would be there.... No. The reason was because after the funeral I wanted to be with my boyfriend without having to go back to work. I made a quiet arrangement with an employee from another department to cover for me if I did not make in for the evening shift. This made me so angry and felt so disrespected for them to be so insensitive to the loss of my boyfriend's dad. To them his funeral was on par with a dentist appointment.

    I need to figure out what I would like to ask for. I could see me asking for a meeting with my boss and him asking what I feel the solution is. Not that h would do it necessarily -- but I need to have an answer ready.

    There also has been a lot of downsizing where when a person leaves they combined their job with another empty postion. Two of my major projects are ending very soon. It would be a perfect time to let me go. So part of me is wondering if I a going to be downsized. But it maybe wishful thinking- yet I don't even know if I want to loose my job. They talked to me about a project happening in 2017 yesterday. So maybe they plan on me being here.

    I tracked down the person who had my job before me. She left because was getting married and expecting a baby. I had hopeful thoughts she would come back and take over my evening shift. But I learned she just had a second baby last month.

    Thank-you so much Bob for being a supportive voice. I want to talk to my GP. My medications I feel are working well. I am on anti-depressants. I don't think an increase in my meds,would help me. But if he says so I will do it. I just don't know what to tell or ask for from my doctor. I don't want to ask for a leave unless I want one. With the two of the projects I am on being over soon- they may not assign me new ones. Or maybe they will. Or maybe they will downsize me if the figure out for certain how mentally unstable I am. As far as I know they don't know how I really am doing on the inside.

  • Hi Aspen,

    I do feel for you and I hope you find your way through this.

    Bob made some good points and they are worth exploring. I don't know your exact circumstances, but I know that a superior can make the workplace hell.

    I won't offer specific advice, as I don't know the circumstances, but I will pass on a bit of advice my dad gave me:

    "it doesn't matter if your the top boss or work in the mail room, as long as you're happy".

    Also, I personally believe that any male boss who picks on female staff is probably hen pecked at home. If the job is making you I'll and unhappy, would it not be better to do something else, even for a contract year? I know this economy is bad & probably won't get better, but is any job worth your health?

    I usually check this site every few days, there are lots of people on this site, you are not alone, there's always someone listening.

    Take care,

    Catherine.

  • I like what your Dad said. It sounds as if he placed more importance on your happiness than on gaining satisfaction in you having some high flying career. Did you find it helped you find your way in life, or did it demotivate you?

  • Hi,

    I found my dad's advice helpful. I went out and did what I wanted. I had a great time travelled lots and did some varied & interesting jobs.

    Then out of the blue I landed a job I knew nothing about, a job I loved and did for 15 years. Due to 3 car accidents & my parents deaths, my health suffered, I lost my job due to absences and an inadequate, control freak of a line manager. Until him, I had always been respected and rewarded for a job well done. It was a pity I was more qualified than him, he clearly didn't understand that not everyone is motivated by position & power.

    But I was happy doing the job I had & I loved it. Now I am in a new chapter, I hope to recover enough to return to working life. I doubt it would be to the same job.

    I have passed this onto my nephews. If you find a job you love, life will feel good & you will do well without really trying to succeed, but just by doing the best you can each day. When you do something you enjoy you usually want the satisfaction of a job well done, I know I did.

    I hope this helps you to get through your tough time. Another tip I would give is: if someone is being horrid to you, be ultra nice to them - it infuriates them & you never say a bad word to or about them.

    Let us know how you get on. Take care.

    Catherine.

  • Thank-you for your kind words. It mans so much to have encouragement and support.❤️ I hope you have a lovely day.💐

  • Hi Findingme- thankYou for your reply. I found my dad's advice helped me a lot in personal relationships. I have never said anything idle. The day after a disagreement with someone does not include sorrys for anything I said- because whatever I said I always was prepared to act on. Some other people threaten to dump the other person or say they never want to speak to them again- and so on. And I found just really being sure of my intentions before I speak helpful. Also in the workplace I feel acting like this overtime really builds up a good rapport with others when important things need to be talked about in a project.

  • Aspen, I wonder if you keep your feelings very close to your chest. Maybe people are insensitive because you appear to be handling things better than you really are. I have had a lot of trouble with this over the years. My ex even said it was one reason we had problems, because I was so strong and capable, whereas I thought I had been telling him how hard I was finding things and how much I needed him to help me out. I am still not totally sure if he did not just have selective hearing and just wanted to blame me, rather than take responsibility for his choices, but I do accept there is a little truth in it.

    Why is it that we are like this? Is it because we have no faith in being listened to, and instead are afraid of displaying weakness? You say you think if you admit to having problems at work your job could be on the line. The problem though is that when we bottle up our feelings we still get hurt, and eventually have a tendency to explode. I would love to learn a better way of communicating. Any advice people?

  • You make very good points FindingMe! Not meaning to turn this off topic but when my father was dying from cancer it was discovered he reunited with an old classmate from a website and rekindled their 'love'. Of course my mother being married for over 35 years was horrified and even confused why this happened. And after the fighting and insults stopped hurling my father admitted that since my mother was so strong, capable and matter-a-fact about everything -he didn't fell he could confide his scared and weak fears in her. Yet could to the ancient exgirlfriend of 40 years ago. Sounds like a lame excuse to some... But I think there was truth in it. But certainly I am not ever going to condon the tryst.

    I think we act stronger than we are to the public because of the same reason flock animals hid their illnesses. Once a bird in a wild flock is identified as sick - he is shunned from the group because of being the weakest link attractiving more enemies endangerimg the other members of the flock.

    We want to decide when to withdraw ourselves from people, relationships, etc. We don't want people to walk away from us before we are ready. And if someone perceives you as weak they might walk away. walk on us, or just consider us less than they did when they knew the strong version of ourselves

    In my real life I have zero faith of being listened to unless the doctor is paid to listen or maybe my hair stylist or the person taking an order for my pizza. Otherwise no one will listen. They feel they heard it all before - and don't even bother to tune in if you start trying to explain what is troubling you. The good of this board is that we are here just for the purpose of listening to each other and talking with each other. But in 'real time' it would be a rare person to care. To get into your pants guys might pretend to listen and wipe your tears. But after they know you are theirs they don't have time for that.

  • Hi,

    I understand what you mean about no-one listening to you. I felt that way. It took me a while to realise many people just don't know how to respond to you when you are trying to explain how you are.

    Through seeing a psychiatrist, I realised I was trying to justify how I was behaving. Now I don't do that. I just say I'm having a good or bad day. That has taken a lot of stress off me & made it easier to communicate.

    When you're suffering from depression sometimes you don't realise other people find it difficult to deal with you. I'm lucky that I have some good friends I can talk to. So if you don't have someone close to confide in, I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist. Talking it out definitely helped me.

    Take care

    Catherine.

  • Thank-you for your kind and personal reply. In person I am the best good-natured doormat you've likely ever met. I quit all of medications for almost two months - although respectfully back on them now. During that time acquaintances thought something was bothering me because I stopped pretending care about them and just did my work and went home. I added the 'pretend" to the sentence. Now I am back sewing on buttons and buying co-workers randomly small treats like their favourite candy bar or fresh fruit. Part of me enjoyed just not being social at all with them. But then I also stopped being in the loop of hearing the important going ons that do impact my job.

    I can remember the first time I really lost respect for my boyfriend in our relationship. I had quit very high doses all of my prescription medication at once. And I actually felt a few days after very ill- physically too. One early afternoon I still had not gone into work that morning. But my boyfriend would not have it- he said I just didn't want to go to work because the barn I have to clean first thing everyday. And I found those words so hurtful and offensive. I told him if it was just because of that I would not have gone to work any day. So you mentioning about how people don't know how to respond to someone suffering depression is helpful and maybe my heart will heal a bit now. Quiting those medications was so hard on me. Must be like people trying to quit other drugs.

    We were raised never to complain, never not say anything nice, never to cry and never to show affection. I learned that even now as an adult if I let people know how I really am they would not want to be around me. I don't understand how some people can be obnoxious cows to everyone at work, and their partners and friends - and still have people care about them. One of my best friends from 20 years ago had two obnoxious loud arguementive sisters. And for some reason everyone catered to them. I just would not care if they were on a tirade of slamming doors and cursing at people. But my friend and his family alway doted after them. At the end of the day I am the one sitting alone. But there is worse things than that for sure.

  • I think some parents want children to be the people they are, and enjoy discovering them, whilst others want little robots who won't rock the boat or trouble their parents with inconvenient emotions. I know what I would rather have.

    If you are really lucky you get parents who are not only interested in who you really are, but have the ability to help you grow into someone who can express their feelings, whilst developing the self control to cope with whatever life throws at them.

  • I wonder if you have learned this strong silent coping demeanor from your mother Aspen?

  • When I was younger I thought I was nothing like my mother. But as I grow older I see I was wrong. We were forbidden to even cry at our father's funeral. Me and one of my dad's best friends hugged and cried a bit together at the wake. My mother still goes on about it. So embarrassing, eh? I am not like her that way but I did notice I was trained well as at my boyfriend's father's funeral last month I had no problem remaining dry eyed. I think children learn the most from what they watch their parents do - even more so than what they are told. My mother is sadly a hoarder though. And I am much The opposite. It is so weird because my brother turned out like me too. Like we set the number of pairs of socks we can have and how many shirts we allow ourselves to have so the closet can not possibly get untidy. Where as my mother has a walkin closet that is loaded to the ceiling with junk I reckon over 15 or 20 years now. My biggest fear and partly why I am thankful I never had children of my own- is that we were raised in a violent household. I never have been around children or have any desire to hurt them. But I often feared I might revert into my mother and just never put myself in a situation where I even get angry with adults - because a few times a warm rage washes over me and It scares me. I bet that is what she felt too. The difference is I never acted on mine.

  • Well said FindingMe! I am the type of person who nearly never says no when someone asks a favour of me- even when it breaks plans that were important to me. At first when I heard other people say no to the friends or partners or parents I would think they were no giving the right answer. And now at 41 I feel if I ever had a child I really would like to hear them say no sometimes- politely of course! And then when they grow up to be adults they will continue to be able to make choices best for them.

  • I know what you mean, and it is hard to change. You can learn to say no, as I have proved, but the guilt stays with you. I wish I had been taught the importance of thinking through my answer for a moment rather than desperately trying to please, and had the self esteem to put myself as a priority, at least when dealing with people outside my own family. However, my mother in particular, seemed to feel that being a kind and helpful person, and being a good loser, was more important than how I felt. If she had applied the same logic to me when I asked for help, I might feel better about it, but the lack of fair application only made me feel resentful and angry.

  • Goodness you really hit the nail on the head with your last sentence! That is exactly how I feel too. My mother would buy chocolate bars to set out for the newspaper boy who had an extremely religious family and were not allowed candy. However we never were even to eat cereal in the morning because it had to much sugar. And she is worried about the newspaper boy. A side note to us not having cereal in th morning is that in fact we all went to school without breakfast since I was 5 years old. But if an other family had been doing this it would of been scandalous. I can remember my mother gossiping about a lady in town whose son was a policeman in the city and never came to visit her. She went on and on how bad of a person this woman must be. Well- it has been over 10 years since I seen my own mother.

  • You know I can't accept that your Mum didn't give you breakfast just because cereals contained sugar. If she was bothered about your health then why not offer porridge or cook you bacon and eggs. Was she in fact using it as an excuse because she did not have the time or money, or inclination to provide breakfast? I wonder if her being judgmental about others was in order to deflect attention from herself.

    I apologise if this sounds as if I am attacking your Mum, but I have this annoying habit of picking apart peoples reasons for doing things. I think this is part of being passive. I find it hard to just disagree without needing to justify my point of view. I read recently that assertive people can stand up to aggressive people by researching the issues that the aggressor likes to dominate, and then being able to argue the point. Although this is a way of stopping someone who tries to get their own way regardless of the facts, I actually disagree with the idea that one should always have to have evidence to support their opinions. In fact, if you always need to have evidence of how you are right in order to be considered worth listening to, then it means that you are not valued for yourself and your feelings will be ignored. I think assertive people often feel happy to just disagree and do not feel the need to justify their position further than saying how things make them feel. Their faith in themselves allows them to have confidence in their opinions and put them over in a non-confrontational but persuasive manner.

  • You bring up excellent points! Whenever I have an disagreement with someone and it turns out I am indeed wrong- I feel so bad and apologize to the cows come home. I'll loose sleep and just keep thinking about it! But if an assertive person sticks their foot on their mouth- maybe even two feet... Then they brush it off and go on and argue about something else. I must say I do know some argumentive people that would tell you the sky was green just for the sake of fighting.

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