No one hears me

The thoughts in my head are so loud, I can't make sense of them or fix them. It is so noisy and my head is messy. I have wanted to be alone for days but now I am I'm scared. The silence is deafening. I am so miserable, angry, agitated, lonely, crowded and anxious all rolled into one messy person. I am exhausted and just need to relax but I can't.

I don't want to die I just don't want to be me!

I have battled these demons for too long now and sometimes give in to the thoughts to help me cope.

I just want out.

Nothing makes me feel better, even when I have a few hours relief something unknown to me just sets off inside me and the anxiety consumes me.

I try talking to people but no one seems to hear me or realise just how close to the edge I am!

I feel like I live my life as two separate people. One who everyone wants me to be and the one I really am! These two people are constantly in battle with each other. I am never really relaxed and at ease I don't even know who the real me is! At the moment the real me is an anxious psychotic mess who swings from anxiety to rage in an instant.

I give up I can't do this anymore.

8 Replies

  • Hi have you been to a doctor, regarding how you feel, I can't say to you I know how you feel, because we are all unique, in this battle, I honestly do feel your emotional pain, and am so sorry you are going through this, are there any family and friends you could confide in, I know its hard as have tried it myself,am waiting to see counselor after leaving it for two years, must give it a chance this time, have you tried counseling or thought of it, please don't do this alone, I know this illness isolates you, but seek out those who can and will help you, even in our most desperate times, the Samaritans are there 24 hours, do not be embarrassed to ring them, they are non judgemental, don't give up, you may not believe this now, but you have a life to live, even if you have to go to your local A+E if you feel you really can't take any more of these thoughts tonight, please let us know how you get on, we do care, we know what its like to feel totally isolated. Annette

  • Hi lostinmyself, you must remember you are the boss you can control the voices by ignoring them just tell them to shut up, and then go and do something where you need to concentrate and where there is a beginning and there is an end in doing that something, like in the garden or make something like cook a meal where you have to follow a recipe...anything you can think of, where you need to concentrate.

    Yes see your doctor by all means, but untill then, please , please keep saying to the voices to shut up and then ignore them by doing something that you like doing, or play chess on a computer if you have one, best wishes Alex

  • I hope you are seeing a doctor? If you haven't, please see a doctor. Soon.

    It sounds like your brain chemistry is a little messed up. If so, the right medicine could help you a lot. This isn't something you could fix by willpower. It's like a diabetic can't make insulin by willing himself to, and a you can't change your brain chemistry no matter how hard you try.

    If you're at the point of giving up, then seeing a doctor can't be any worse than what you're probably contemplating. Please do it. And let them know how bad it is, so they get you in sooner.

    I'm worried for you - please let me know how it goes.


  • Definitely sounds like you have some depression. You don't say how old you are or what sex. You do need to get some treatment so don't be shy at taking the first step & seek help. There are people who do understand. Also seek friends who are helpful & do things you enjoy. Try some exercise too as it encourages the release of happy endorphins. All the best. Thinking about you as a person who cares & is on treatment for depression that works. X

  • I woke up this morning and you wrote what I needed to write. I feel the same way. I know what it feels like to be on the edge. I am there all the time even in my sleep. No one understands because I look too normal for them to see how bad I feel. If I lived near you I would take you for a walk in the woods and we could scream and throw rocks. I am near the edge too and I can't get back. I really wish I could hang out with you.

  • Hi Lost in myself,

    I recognize many of the feelings that you are expressing and that you feel you are not being heard. For many years I have struggled with difficult and critical thoughts and the more that you try to suppress them the more they are there. The thing that helped me was mindfulness meditation and accepting my feelings. A friend told me that sometimes he would feel down and just recognise the feeling and accept that was a feeling without trying to work out the reason for the feeling. It certainly helped me. No judgement about good or bad feelings just feelings.

    It took a while to work and certainly wasn't a quick fix but in the end it made a big difference. I also have the tenancy to isolate myself and then eventually struggle with the silence. I found planning one event for a day and allowing time for recovery helped in creating a balance that I needed between socializing and isolation. In the end it is about the things that work for you. i also kept a record of the things I achieved during the day, sometimes it would be as simple as "got out of bed", "got dressed" etc. Strangely recognizing those "minor" achievements helped me to move to other achievements.

    In the end it is about finding the things that work for you. It is a voyage of self discovery .

  • I so sympathise with you.

    My depression started with stress at work. It transpired that it was organised however, the result was that I had a seizure due to the stress put on me.

    That was part physical symptoms but I wasn't aware of the emotional effects .

    Realising something was wrong, I visited my GP who informed me there was not sufficient evidence to diagnose Depression. As a result, I took took to alcohol, the result being that I could numb the feelings in my head and finally sleep ! As you said, there were many times in bed when I also said to myself " I want out "

    Wrong decision on both counts !!!!

    The net result was hospitalision three times. The final time I was able to convince the Consultant that, after a talk with a Staff Nurse, I was able to convince them I had problems with ANXIETY. I was then referred to C.B.T (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) and Mental Health. Medication and more importantly the C.B.T. counsellor made a big difference. My big problem was lack of confidence from what I used to be ! Having been told how crap and lacking I was, you begin to believe it.

    If you need to talk, please contact me.

    Take care.

  • Thank you everyone. It's been a tough weekend but must push on. Yes I am on medication but it's not offering much help if I'm honest and last night it made me pass out due to changes in my heart rate and blood pressure. CBT gave me some techniques to work with but I am currently waiting for high intensity CBT programme to be found. They tell me I have depression and social anxiety but it seems to be just a tick box exercise to give me a category. Have a good day all.

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