Cannot stop crying

This morning I have been a nervous wreck. I have cried my eyes out about 4 times, the pain I am feeling is so intense. I have been on citalopram for 5 weeks, feeling no improvement. Before this I tried venlafaxne for 3 weeks, I swear I felt worse, anxiety was through the roof. Prior to this I had been on paraoxitine, just 10mg for over a year, but felt the depression coming back around March/ April. I am worried that no medication will help me, here's why. I really don't enjoy my job, (mental health support worker ironically). I work evenings and nights and other than giving them their medication, putting dinner on the table and cleaning up after there is nothing to do, at all. I sit there thinking about how unsatisfying this job is and why did I go to uni spending 3 years to do it and 20 grand later, why wasn't I smarter and picked something else. I live in Aussie, moved from NZ, leaving all my friends and family behind. This is so I can retrain to do something else I am interested in. I start that course soon, which I am hoping will distract me somewhat.

Im homesick, the only reason im not going home is because the course can't be done in NZ. I have an extremely strong bond with my mum, I feel like if she weren't alive I wouldn't want to be. Her and my step dad are moving over to one state in Aus where all my other siblings are in a year and a half. The plan is for me to finish the course here in this state and then meet them in Brisbane. I am also feeling grief for NZ, leaving my friends behind, and all though we will always be friends, it's not the same when you live in another country from them.

Since the start of May I have just cried everyday, barely keeping it together at work. Im having to take a 1mg lorazepam every day. I have no motivation, feel uneasy all day everyday, feel despair and not one glimpse of happiness not even for one moment in the day. Im also moving house this weekend, in with strangers, and with the way Im feeling Im just petrified. I don't have anything interesting about myself to share, as I dont go out, and I litereally do NOTHING at work. I can barely hold a conversation. I have lost me along the way, and although I have not felt truly happy in many years, I have been able to have a laugh and socialise without this scared of everything feeling. I just can't believe I am feeling what I am, it's horrific. And to know that so many people out there feel like this, I feel for you all. Im worried no pill can fix what is going on for me in my life. I also tried 4 sessions of acupunture for depression/anxiety, nada. So desperate to feel myself again!!

3 Replies

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  • I am sorry you are feeling so upset - but ironically I think crying is much better than anxiety because crying is a healthy response to your situation. It is not even necessarily a depressed response, but given how you are feeling despair as well I do think you need some emotional support. Are you able to get any help from a counsellor or therapist? Ideally having someone to share your feelings with will enable you to begin to get back your sense of self which is something no meds can fix! So do get referred for some people help, especially as you will be under some stress when you start the new course which sounds exciting! Good luck,

    Suex

  • I believe you have extreme anxiety right now. It's okay, your going to be okay. I am here. I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing. Can you try to accept all that's happening. Let the pain flow through you and breath very deeply. Cry it all out. Write. Write and Write some more, every day.No matter what happens to you, don't punish yourself, try to find peace. I don't have the answers for you but I recommend lying down and listening to this:

    It must be very exhausting I hope you are lying down. Take hot baths, and go outside sometimes, when you feel comfortable. Talk to people. Keep talking, keep expressing. Get it all out.

  • Bless you as know this so well been there myself as live with depression. But will share what helps me. I go to the gym and sauna at the holiday Inn on a regular basis. Some times have to push myself going as am not motivated but feel lifted after work out so peaceful.

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