This morning I have been a nervous wreck. I have cried my eyes out about 4 times, the pain I am feeling is so intense. I have been on citalopram for 5 weeks, feeling no improvement. Before this I tried venlafaxne for 3 weeks, I swear I felt worse, anxiety was through the roof. Prior to this I had been on paraoxitine, just 10mg for over a year, but felt the depression coming back around March/ April. I am worried that no medication will help me, here's why. I really don't enjoy my job, (mental health support worker ironically). I work evenings and nights and other than giving them their medication, putting dinner on the table and cleaning up after there is nothing to do, at all. I sit there thinking about how unsatisfying this job is and why did I go to uni spending 3 years to do it and 20 grand later, why wasn't I smarter and picked something else. I live in Aussie, moved from NZ, leaving all my friends and family behind. This is so I can retrain to do something else I am interested in. I start that course soon, which I am hoping will distract me somewhat.
Im homesick, the only reason im not going home is because the course can't be done in NZ. I have an extremely strong bond with my mum, I feel like if she weren't alive I wouldn't want to be. Her and my step dad are moving over to one state in Aus where all my other siblings are in a year and a half. The plan is for me to finish the course here in this state and then meet them in Brisbane. I am also feeling grief for NZ, leaving my friends behind, and all though we will always be friends, it's not the same when you live in another country from them.
Since the start of May I have just cried everyday, barely keeping it together at work. Im having to take a 1mg lorazepam every day. I have no motivation, feel uneasy all day everyday, feel despair and not one glimpse of happiness not even for one moment in the day. Im also moving house this weekend, in with strangers, and with the way Im feeling Im just petrified. I don't have anything interesting about myself to share, as I dont go out, and I litereally do NOTHING at work. I can barely hold a conversation. I have lost me along the way, and although I have not felt truly happy in many years, I have been able to have a laugh and socialise without this scared of everything feeling. I just can't believe I am feeling what I am, it's horrific. And to know that so many people out there feel like this, I feel for you all. Im worried no pill can fix what is going on for me in my life. I also tried 4 sessions of acupunture for depression/anxiety, nada. So desperate to feel myself again!!