Fed up! (not depressed)

I'm feeling really fed up today and doing my best to stop myself from dropping into depression and feeling sorry for myself. It's bank holiday, another day, and the sun is shining beautifully, it's warm and an ideal day for going out somewhere. I am slowly losing weight :) and need to get more exercise, asked my husband if he fancied going out anywhere but he said no, even just a walk in the local park which has been renovated, looks lovely and is only a few hundred yards from home, but he said no. I thought of going alone but really dislike walking around on my own - that does make me depressed! Then he started pottering in the garden pulling up weeds - which were actually my ground cover plants! I felt annoyed, then realised he was drunk - and it was only midday! Now I'm venting my feelings and trying to hold onto the fact that I am not depressed right now but am unhappy about having no one to go out with whilst living with a heavy drinker...

I wonder whether much of depression isn't like that. Someone asked recently about what we get from the site and one response was about being lonely. I am lonely and not depressed.

What is everyone else doing today?

Suex

14 Replies

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  • Hi Sue sorry your feeling lonely. I really admire your honesty, as you say yourself

    Your Depression is situational or reactive right now.

    Ok if it's a nice day try and go for the walk, accept that husband doesn't want to go, See the walk as a means to an end as regards excercise to lose weight, then you might feel less resentful to husband.

    And you should just go yourself, although it's not your ideal. Don't be annoyed

    At him at the moment because there is no time talking to someone if they have

    Drink taken.

    Sue ii think you need to have firm words with your husband when you have

    Calmed down and try and discuss this by taking the emotion out of it.

    Oh Sue I wish I lived near you and I would meet you for a walk and a chat.

    Hannah x

  • Thanks Hannah, I know there isn't anything that anyone else can do about my situation, I just needed to express my sense of frustration to someone. I am much luckier than many people in that I'm sitting here looking out at a garden full of roses, paeonies, plums in the making, and lots of other greenery. Yes I wish you lived near too. I have joined a local support group for people with fibromyalgia and we meet up once a week in different local towns but although they walk incredibly slowly even that enables me to get out a bit with other people. I could walk on my own and when I lived in London I did so but around here I feel more depressed whenever I do because I become even more aware of my loneliness... What are you up to this weekend? I'm just mindlessly looking at secondhand clothes on e-bay, seeing what rubbish some people sell and presumably other people like (!) whilst also finding the occasional thing that I like which is always good. I'm selling a lot too though they have put their fees up and it's hardly worthwhile. I take a lot to charity shops as well but always find myself buying more so the inended clearout never really happens :) My husband has just come downstairs and he's no longer drunk so I have talked with him but now I am feeling really unhappy and almost in tears as he says he has no need or desire to live life more fully, he is satisfied with very little living. I love him and he is a good man but I almost wish I hadn't married him because I feel unhappy and lonely a lot of the time, but I did need the security he provides and for the first time in my life I feel emotionally secure which is probably why I can name what makes me unhappy. I have lived here for the longest period anywhere in my life (15 years). Life is strange. What's your life like? We all write but it's strange how different our lives all are isn't it. Take care and thanks again for replying. Suex

  • Hi Sue, sorry to hear that you are having a bad day. When I was married, all my ex husband wanted to do was drink and be nasty to me. When I got rid of him, I became lonely but realised I was better off as I started taking my 2Children out more. As they grew up, they became independent but still needed me. Yes, I get lonely but end up either in the garden or taking the dogs for a walk.

    Some days I don't talk to a soul but my animals, they are brilliant company for me.

    Yes, I've got emphysema, osteoarthritis etc but they keep me going, I wouldn't be without them.

    Yesterday, me and my 2 girls gave Rubi (my border collie x lab) a trim, she looks like a puppy. :-) :-) :-)

  • Well done you for leaving someone who was nasty to you. My husband isn't nasty, when he drinks he just becomes inane and rather silly and childlike, the rest of the time he's a sweetheart, but he drinks heavily at times and seldom wants to go anywhere though very occasionally I can persuade him to come somewhere with me. He never wants to spend time with me yet considers himself the luckiest man alive to have found me. ~Sometimes that feels lovely, other times I think yes - he is lucky because not many woman would put up with him - but then he is such a love in some way.

    I almost went to a rescue centre to look at dogs the other day, but I have never had a dog and am unsure what I would be taking on and whether I might regret it, especially as we have four Burmese cats and a garden that is very full and would get trampled on as it's all plants and no space for a dog to run in at all! I would love a retriever or border collie but they wouldn't easily fit into our lifestyle... Glad you are happy with yours though, that's a nice thought :). x

  • Hi Sue,

    I'm sorry, it is incredibly hard to live with someone and still feel alone. For me it amplifies the loneliness. I know you have mentioned before about meeting like minded people who share your interests. Is there a horticultural club locally or a walking club? What about a dog? That way it wouldn't matter if your husband didn't want to go walking and you wouldn't be alone on your walks! That is said tongue in cheek but having a dog means you don't feel so conscious of being on your own walking around with everyone else in groups or pairs. My only annoyance is that I like visiting the RHS gardens at Wisley and can't go with a dog now.....

    It is somewhat selfish of your husband to opt out of wanting to do things to make you happy or at least being partially involved in your interests. I end up discussing books or going to art shows with my best friend as my partner has no interest in either. It is ironic that your husband 'helped' in the garden by pulling up ground cover plants, but you could see it as showing an interest!

    I'm pleased that you have started with the fibromyalgia group and that it meets weekly is great. It might offer some small outlet locally.

    As Hannah said your honesty is very brave. I hope you have a better evening, look on ebay for plants pots or plants. I always forget and mindlessly surf for handbags.

    Sarah,

    Ps I envy the plum trees. My roses have black spot, even the David Austin one. My peony has gone over. It is raining and I have lots of planting still to do and can't get motivated. I must stop buying plants at the garden centres and summer shows.

  • Hi Sarah,

    Yes, I always find that living with someone but still feeling lonely much of the time feels worse than just being alone because at least that way I don't feel angry towards the other person! The difficulty is that my husband does have renal failure and gets tired - but at the same time I know that isn't why he doesn't want to do anything even spend time with me most of the time - it's that he doesn't ever know what it is to feel lonely! He is happy with his own company which is great for him but not great for anyone he lives with (me). I agree it is very selfish, but he's 70 and isn't going to change now. He had an identical twin and so they were complete in themselves until teens, then he found his first wife and she had no need for any emotional connection or much relating, so his whole life has been spent being alone but happy in himself and his own little world. He's very caring towards me in terms of being generous with money and will encourage me to do anything that makes me happy but has little ability himself to adapt to another person - his childhood was really quite abusive and I accept how it has left him. I guess I accept that we can't have everything, and I have absolute security, enough money and comforts, someone who does their share of the chores, etc and who puts few difficult demands upon me - the price is that I have to be alone a lot of the time... if I could go back in time I would have liked to have found something different in a relationship, but until I met my husband I had never been secure so I am grateful to him for providing me with what he does - it's just that sometimes I find it isn't enough!!

    I can't look on e-bay for pots and plants as we have an absolutely FULL garden - it's a gardener's garden - and anything I have wanted to grow I have tried over the years. Now it is difficult to manage but we get such a lot of lovely rambling roses, etc so most of the time I don't regret planting them all. Oh, I love David Austin roses - when we first did our garden (mum died and left me a little money so we spent it all on having the garden landscaped and then I planted it all up) I must have planted 30 from DA! I can be a bit mad sometimes, over the top, so you can imagine why I find it difficult to manage now without anyone to help tame some things and while trying to cope with my own lack of motivation due to depression. I wish I had met and married someone who wanted to share more things with me, such as gardening and walking, but I didn't, and I might have been with someone a lot worse!

    Yes, we have one yellow plum tree which gets a huge crop every year but often we lose a lot to mildew because of the garden being walled which means there isn't enough air circulating, and we have a little Victoria plum tree which we planted three years ago and this year looks like the first decent crop. I have beautiful memories, my happiest from childhood, of sitting on my swing and eating colanders full of Victoria plums from our childhood garden - they are yummy!

    I also love going to garden centres and summer shows, shame we don't like near one another! I have one friend who for a time went to plant shows with me but now she lives in a flat and has focussed upon cooking instead, also she's generally away much of the summer nowadays....

    Isn't life frustrating, knowing there are people out there who like doing the same things but then finding it so difficult to meet them. I put it all down to my not having achieved early in life, and so not having been in the kind of job that would have enabled me to be more likely to have met people with similar interests to mind. I have always felt like a misfit through no reason other than not having managed to find my way to mix with people with whom I share sufficient interests. It's sad.

    It sounds as though you have a garden too - what's yours like?

    Thanks for replying, it always makes me feel better to feel a sense of connection with people who share some aspects of life.

    Suex

  • Hi Sue, my front garden is like a cottage garden with loads of different flowers, I've got bleeding hearts plants as well as 3 different lavender, caster oil, marigolds, fushias, stocks, sweet peas and many other plants. In the back I have roses, coredilin, and many butterfly friendly plants. I've 3 dogs and a couple of cats so I can't have Lilies, foxgloves etc.

    I love my animals and garden so I compromise.

    I go to lip reading once a week as I'm hard of hearing.:-) :-)

  • That all sounds lovely! And you have dogs and cats which only goes to show that it can work. I know that if I lived alone I would get a dog and live with the consequences, but my husband imagines I would end up wanting him to walk the dog (though I am the one who takes care of the cats!) and I think my fear is that he would prove to be right and that it would all be too much for me, that I would be unable to meet the needs of a dog. I guess I am saying he undermines my confidence in that respect although in other things he is very supportive. He's also very hard of hearing due to deterioration with age - it makes life very difficult for me but he won't hear of going to the local deafness centre which is only a few hundred yards from our home - he prefers a head in the sand attitude and nothing would ever persuade him to go.

    Nice to be in touch, Suex

  • Sue,

    Thanks for the explanation about your husband. It makes sense that he has become self reliant with the history he has had. It seems that he tries to be kind in his own way and the security he provides you certainly meet some of your needs just pnot all your emotional ones. The relationship I have with my partner is fairly similar in that emotional support is difficult to ask for and provide. It just feels a bit lonely but as you say things could be slot worse.

    30 David Austin roses! How wonderful, you should post a photo of your garden. I would love to see it. I also love Victoria plums and I remember a Victoria plum tree in my mothers garden. I just remember the wasps though! We looked at espalier plum trees last year to grow in pots as we were going to move house.

    I only have a small garden. We live in an old Victorian semi detached house in surrey and you can't get much unless you have lots of money....which I don't have.

    I also work full time with some overseas travel although have been off work for a few months now with depression and anxiety. That means it would be a struggle to have too big a garden, although I would love it, much more than a big house. I went to the chelsea flower show last year for the first time and came away wanting to buy lots and lots.

    So small garden which faces west, so sunny border and shady border. So hostas, ferns, foxgloves, pittisporums, acers etc and then lots of shrubs and perennials. I love purple, yellow, whItes and oranges. But planted two roses which were meant to be yellow climbers and both came out as pinks, so ended up changing scheme with some dark red penstemons, peonys etc I also have a small veg plot at end of my garden and a baby greenhouse, which is a new purchase. I mix in climbing french beans and runners with lilac and white flowers as they look nice in the beds and add some height. I like plants with scent and which bring in bees and butterflies.

    Do upload a photo of your garden or let me know what else you have in it. It must stay warm if it is a walled garden.

    It is never too late to try and find some people who share your interests and what I have found is that people's interest change over time. My best friend used to loathe gardening and walking and will now walk round national trust gardens with me advising me on lifting bulbs.

    Sue, you are a kind,thoughtful, intelligent woman and I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day for you.

    Sarah

  • Hi Sarah

    I would love to let you see some photos of the garden but despite some advice from other users of the site I have never managed to get it to accept photos! If you send a private message with your e-mail address I will send you some photos.

    As you like gardens you would probably like ours though it can look muddled and overgrown at times and certainly needs some of the self-seeders removed as they are taking over - perennial geraniums and bears breeches (I can't remember their proper name) are beginning to swamp everything, also I can be over-optimistic in repeatedly trying to fit in just one more plant! We have peonies, also tree peonies, camellias, tall deciduous azaleas which are a picture when in flower, and some of the old taller type shrub roses which do their own thing amongst the other lower plants. We had a lot of penstemons last year but this year the self-seeding geraniums seem to have swamped a lot of them. I wish I had more energy and a partner (or friend) who would help me as I would love to clear and re-plant some of it but find it overwhelming to face doing it alone. We live in a large early Victorian house in St Helens, the garden is quite large for a period house, about 100ft x 40ft- and being walled does create a wonderful micro-climate - so yes, it is warm and we can grow plants that are normally only grown in Cornwall because we are also not so far from the West coast. Sadly the houses either side are owned by people who have no taste - one has converted their house into 3 houses in order to make money and the other side the back gardens have been made into a car park and concreted! We live in an oasis, ours is like a secret garden, full of plants birds (despite the cats!) in a northern industrial town. I guess none of us get everything! I come from the south and would love to live in Surrey, I envy you that although northerners are friendly, warm and open and Manchester not far away is culturally wonderful, second to London I think what with the Bridgewater Hall and Royal Exchange Theatre as well as so many other varied things to do - it's about 30 miles away. We drive over there several times most weeks as there is no culture we would enjoy locally. We have Liverpool the other direction and the peak district, North Wales coastline and Cheshire countryside all a similar distance away. It is a perfect location for things to do and places to go to and the motorway network is excellent - perhaps that is why I feel such a sense of frustration because naturally I like to live life to the full. I feel that I am wasting away living here but doing so little - yet I am secure and well provided for rather like finally having parents who don't abandon me as mine did. How strange life is.

    You are right, it is never too late to make friends but does get harder with age - it was so easy to meet lots of people at a similar stage of life when the children were little. Now if I go to things with people of my age particularly in our locality then I find we live very different lifestyles. It is difficult to meet people with similar tastes - but you are right, I need to make more effort to do so now I am less deeply depressed. I am gradually losing weight which is an achievement, and that is the first of many things I want to change. I am naturally quite energetic and have a strong will so who knows... :)

    Thank you for your caring thoughts. Suex

  • Sue,

    Been out with dog, walk and to vets and have counselling today so out most of the day. Hope you had a better day today. I'll send you an email with my address so you can send me some photos if you'd like. I also studied art,architecture and English literature as a mature student and yes do appreciate art. Last holiday was in Rome tracking down the Caravaggio paintings. I wouldn't be up to that at present, too many people and too stressful. Painting is meant to be quite therapeutic for depression. I know Winston Churchill used it to fight his 'black dog'

    PS it is easy for me to give you suggestions for ways of meeting people. However, I know how hard this is to act on as I get advice all the time to do this and do that but really struggle currently with social anxiety and bad days and just getting out the house. So no judgement here. Take care

    Sarah, xx

  • Hi again Sarah

    I realise now that I skim read your response yesterday but didn't take in a lot of what you said - thank you for the suggestions. Yes, there is a horticultural society not too far away and I have considered joining it but never quite got around to it so may do that. I can't join a walking club as unfortunately I can't walk far enough for their minimum length of walk due to joint problems - I would love to otherwise. I'd like to know someone who would walk with me as that would help me to build up gradually to walking further but don't know anyone who might. So you like art too! Shame we don't live nearer - I go to lots of exhibitions and did a Fine Art degree a few years ago as a very mature student. I am technically a freelance artist and have the largest room in our house as a studio but haven't found the motivation to produce any work since a traumatic fall 4 years ago which left me feeling 10 years older and more deeply depressed, Gradually I am pulling out of the depression but still find I lack motivation to enable me to get back into painting, printmaking or photography...

    Nice to be in contact, and thanks again.

    Suex

  • Hi Sue I do know where you are coming from. 2 things. I think your hubby is being very selfish and should be told it's ok him being happy but a marriage is a 2 way street and he needs to start meeting some of your needs as well. Do you have a car? Is that better for him then walking? If so maybe you could insist you go out for a drive - at least it gets you out for a while.

    Second a dog is great company. I don't like going out on my own either but taking the dog is different. In the nice weather I take her down the beach and loads of places. You also meet loads of nice people as there is a strong fellowship between dogwalkers. If a big dog is too much try a smaller dog, perhaps a spaniel or something. Or how about offering to take out someone else's dog? Or volunteering at your local animal shelter to walk those there? Lots of options there Sue. After all when the last time your lawn and nice flower beds were pleased to see you? xx

  • Hi, yes we have a car but he won't come for a drive as that's the one place where we do argue - he's a fairly nervous driver but a more nervous passenger and tends to back seat drive whereas I am a relaxed and confident drive when on my own and so feel irritated when he is tense and 'brakes' or looks over his shoulder repeatedly whilst I am driving. It isn't his fault, he's just anxious about dependant, and hardly surprising given his health conditions now...

    Yes, a dog... Oh you are lucky living near the beach, that's my absolute fantasy. I sometimes think that if Danny dies suddenly I will buy something small near the beach, maybe in north wales, because however lonely I am being near the sea has something about it, there's always some life even when it's freezing and awful! I used to have a springer spaniel very many years ago and it was gorgeous but they need a lot of exercise and I am too old for that now. It's funny you should say about volunteering to walk dogs from an animal shelter, I have actually just kept a cutting from a magazine about doing just that! I may do that sometime. x

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