I'm feeling fairly low today.
Last week I had my final therapy session and it was a really productive ending during which I expressed anger about the limitations of therapy, cried for loss of the therapist and expressed gratitude for what I did get out of the time we spent together, then we had a big mutual hug - I'd been seeing her for three and half years... but despite the good ending there is a sense of something supportive that is no longer there so I'm feeling loss
Yesterday I went to a cinema where the rear seats are raised so there is a step to get onto the aisle in order to leave. They put a warning on the screen telling everyone to be careful at the beginning of the film, but of course by the end we had forgotten about that. I got up, slipped off the edge of the step and fell, twisting my ankle, banging various bits of my body on my chair as well as the chair in front, and on edge of the step, then splattered flat onto the aisle. I was really shaken up, afterwards my legs were like jelly and I felt dizzy and unbalanced for an hour or two, also very tired. Now I'm left with a feeling of everything aching where it hadn't plus my usual arthritic pain and fibromyalgia pain, so I'm feeling sorry for myself.
On a good note I have lost 12lbs over the past month or two and I had been feeling better for it. I have gained some control over my eating again and am thinking more about whether I am hungry or eating for comfort.
Monday I am seeing the mental health recovery team for an assessment appointment. I feel uncertain how to explain to them why I asked to be referred - I've already had a 10 minute rubbishy appointment with someone who then referred me to the wrong place; then a very helpful chat with a duty worker and was referred to somewhere else; then had a one hour assessment appointment with someone who was poor at assessing and asked closed questions, jumped to all sorts of incorrect assumptions and didn't seem to understand me at all and then referred me to the wrong place. When I heard nothing after 4 weeks I phoned and found out, so I was then referred to the recovery team where I am due to go Monday. I feel as if I have already been passed around and have told my story several times but got nowhere so I do not feel optimistic about tomorrow's appointment but am trying to keep an open mind. I have a complex history of childhood trauma and then therapies so I'm going to get something down on paper in a short form so they can make sense of it. Tuesday I am due to see a physio about the joint problems and there's a similar pattern in that the first time I was referred I saw a trainee for 5 minutes, she went to talk to someone, came back and gave me a one page exercise sheet - not a helpful process for intense prolonged pain. I wonder whether this time will be any better but I'm trying to keep an open mind about this appointment.
Otherwise not much is happening for me apart from my e-baying - I did go to a jazz club with a friend last night but saw someone I miss very much and that opened up a huge amount of grief so I cried for several house after waking and have felt low all day.
I hope those of you who know me will understand what I've written. Sorry I haven't been very interactive lately, I have been struggling to find a sense of purpose much of the time.