Am I depressed or just feeling sorry for myself?

Must of explained this to friends family a thousand times but this feeling just won't go away. I'm tired of going over and over the same thing to be honest.

Basically wife of 3 years has decided she no longer wants to be with me anymore and has taken our little boy (2 years) abroad to live with her parents, despite being from the uk.

We have recently moved back from living in Dubai as my job was no longer available, I got on my feet within a month and have a good job and nice flat and was able to provide for her and my son like I always have done.

There is little reasoning behind her actions and she is now basically telling me if I want to see my son I have to travel there as she is struggling to get by and has no money to travel here or at least no firm plans.

Due to my job commitments and the cost of flights hotel car hire etc I am only able to go once per year... Why do I deserve this when I have been a good husband and father?

Basically now I feel like I have nothing good in my life, I am going to work simply to pay of a flat that I am coming home to sit alone in. I have no self confidence and cannot imagine meeting anyone new and even if I did would never trust them.

I was such an optimistic and had an attitude of non defeat but I cannot see the light at th end of the tunnel. The main thing is not being able to be a part of my sons life and not having the ability to change this...

Family are tired of talking about it and just don't know what to do now to get out of this what feels like a bottle less pit of sadness and loneliness.

It's been 5 months now am I just being weak or what?..

8 Replies

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  • No I don't think so. It is a terrible thing thing to be parted from your child under such terms..... I don't know how she could do this to you.

    My suggestion would be to see your GP, (and I know men don't like going!!), tell them how you feel and they may be able to arrange some counselling for you so you can talk out how you feel with a professional.

    Then , when you are feeling better I would go to a lawyer or CAB.. you must have some rights being this little boy's Dad. She can't deny you of him totally.

    I hope that this may be of a little help to you.

    All the best, Julie.

  • No your not being weak, it must have been a hell of a shock, but not seeing your loved ones. which is enough shock to trigger depression. Go to relate, they help you a lot in these situations, and talking to someone other than family , you cant let it out. It is a form of bereavement, ending of a relationship.

    If it is depression, then it wont get better by itself. It sneakily gets worse. Oh speak to a lawyer I dont think she should of taken her son away out of the country without your permission. cab might be able to help you with a list of them that can give you half hour for free. Do everything out of love for your son, not anger. He needs his dad too.

  • Henllo BOB here

    Some people are unpleasant to the first degree. You are not weak you are a man who is missing His son.

    All I can suggest is that you have words with your GP,will probably refer you to a CPN.

    Also go to CAB they will give advice on how you can arrange to see your son and if Legal Assistance may be needed

    Relate as mentioned will may be give encouragement in the nasty situation you find yourself in

    All the best.keep a hold, GOOD LUCK

    BOB

  • Does sound as if you have been under a lot of stress recently - whether you recognised it or not ...

    The break up of any relationship is always stressful and what you are describing sounds very difficult indeed.

    One of the most difficult things to deal with is when the break-up just comes out of the blue and loosing contact with your son.

    What you are experiencing is, in many ways, like bereavement, so feeling sad is quite natural, but you probably aren't getting the support from friends and family that you would do if you were bereaved because they aren't seeing what is happening that way.

    Whether or not you are depressed you certainly sound as if you need someone to talk to. Have you thought about counselling? someone who is independent of the situation - don't know if you can afford to pay to see one privately - RELATE can also help where people are experiencing problems even if both parties aren't there - and might be a cheaper option. You may also have access to some counselling with your work - depends on your benefit package - or via a union - so that is certainly worth exploring. You may have to hunt around for the right counsellor and styles of counselling can vary widely (whole spectrum of just listening to really helping you with problem solving). It certainly isn't a sign of weakness to go and see a counsellor. The right counsellor should be able to help you understand more all the feelings that you are having - they may also be able to suggest who you might contact in terms of your legal position regarding custody. The legal side of things may well be affected by where your wife currently is and what treaties are in place as she is outside the country.

    Really good that you are asking the question 'am I depressed?' There is a strong link between prolonged periods of stress and depression. If you feel you can - go and talk to your GP - they can also check you over just in case there is something else going on (eg thyroid) which might be affecting your moods and making it difficult to cope (though actually in the circumstances you seem to be coping remarkably well).

    Are you in touch with your partner at all? Would there be an possibility of at least speaking to your son over skype? I know it isn't quite the same thing but it might be better than nothing/just the once a year because of all the flight costs.

    I had a neighbour who had to work overseas for few months at a time and had a young daughter - probably around the 2 year mark - they would tell her that her daddy was going to live in the TV for a while.

    Would you consider moving to the country where your wife is if you could find a job there?

    These are probably the sort of questions/options that a good counsellor would go through with you.

  • Thanks for your kind reply.

    I have considered counselling on several occasions but it's building the courage to do so. This whole situation has left me with completely zero confidence and I often find myself anxious especially when out alone. Also I'm worried someone might find out and relay this back to her which will make her feel like she has one over on me.

    I have tried skype but this means contact with her and seems to reopen wounds. It's a really hard situation as normally with a breakup u would cut contact and eventually come to terms with the situation obviously I can't and wold never do that for my sons sake. It angers me also as she acts all happy as if nothing is wrong and the situation is correct which I cannot pretend it is.

    I'm sure I have the right to custody as I am still legally married at this point although I intend to proceed with the divorce shortly furthermore I am on my sons birth certificate, however I feel if I intimate legal proceedings she may cut me off from him completely, also I would need money I don't have to do so.... This isn't a defeatist attitude I'm just being realistic, although once a year is nothing it would be a lot worse if I never saw him.

    I feel for my son as he is being deprived of a loving father. I have never set a foot wrong in life and always done what's best for my family and I'm now being treated like I don't exist.

    I cannot move there as there is no means of supporting myself let alone my son, I have more capability here as the economy in Cyprus is in a terrible state. I think I will contact CAB and see what they advise.

    Thanks once again

  • Thanks for responding.

    Sorry the skype didn't work out - probably all a bit soon and other pains that need to heal first.

    Hope it works out.

    Understand the whole thing with divorce and lawyers being really expensive - been there, done that and would never get married again - just don't believe in the legal institution ... My custody battle with my husband was over our cats (fortunately never had children) which was a lot more straight forward as he left them with me and legally it was a non-battle but I do understand the fears.

    Did occur to me when I read the post that the 'never trust anyone again' actually sounded more to me like someone who's still trying to get over a relationship and not ready to start another one - and not necessarily how you will feel for ever.

  • It's no wonder you are feeling the way you are and no you are definitely not weak but very much human! You are just missing your little boy! How could your wife do such a thing? What is her reasoning behind taking your son overseas. And, more is the point - legally can she? I would have thought that she would have to have your written permission to do so. I moved to the UK 12 years ago with my son who was 6 at the time. But, before I could take him my ex-husband had to see a lawyer and sign an affidavit that he consented. I would have thought that the same law applies here. You should definitely seek legal advice - give the CAB a call - they will point you in the right direction.

    Do you have any family/friends in the UK? You need all the emotional support you can get. Try not to be alone too much of the time if you can help it. Speak to your GP who should be able help with your low mood - perhaps medication for a short term or counselling.

    I really feel for you. The suggestion about SKYPE is a good one. If you can't see your little boy in the flesh for the time being then still try & maintain your relationship with him this way until you do get to see him again. The poor little mite must be so confused at being uprooted again. It really isn't fair on him either!

    All the best. Ziggy

  • Thanks ever so much for all your advice and kind words everyone.

    She seems to have a justified answer for everything and won't listen to my side or my thoughts on the matter. The country she has returned to is Cyprus probably the worst place in Europe at the moment in terms of cost of living and stability, she has little or no financial support there and no possibility of work, however she states it is a better life for 'her son' (not our son) and she is happy there.

    I have tried skype and it just frustrates and upsets me to be honest to see his little face all happy and then sad when we have to end, we were on talking terms however no longer as she demanded double what I am currently paying in form of maintenance, which I'm paying off my own back no legal or court summons to do so. I simply stated if you cannot get the support or have the means to stay there then you should not be there. If she returned to the uk I would give everything I could as I would be able to see my boy. She didn't like this...

    I have thought about seeing a Go however cannot bring myself to admit in person or talk to a stranger as I feel like I'm being weak and should just pull myself together. I'm so strong in all other aspects like it hasn't affected my job in fact it has pushed me forward but some days it hits me like a brick wall and takes me days to snap out of it.

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