Really struggled to get out of bed this morning.
Run was also a struggle - but not quite as painful as I thought it might be - getting pain in the ball of the foot when I walk which is the fallen arches manifesting themselves, I think, rather than soft tissue damage from the broken ankle.
Really want to give up and may be I should give up and just let the sun do some healing.
Someone commented on meds and compared attitudes to taking them to diabetics coping with diabetes. I think the exact frace was 'do diabetics see their medication as a crutch'. I'm not a diabetic but there is an unusual strain of diabetes that runs in the family - late onset type-1. Apparently type-1 and type-2 respond differently to medication. I know this because my brother's diabetes was initially mis-diagnosed as type-2 and he got a lot of grief about not responding to drugs because he wasn't following all the other rules about diet when he was ... eventually he persuaded the doctor to change his medication and immediately he was able to control his blood sugar levels. Doubt he sees the medication as a crutch - more of a necessary evil - particulary when combining it with the dietary restrictions ... which I doubt he follows as strictly as my grandfather did!
My thoughts: if the doctors can get the meds so wrong with a condition that is as well understood as diabetes then what its no wonder it can be so hit and miss with something like depression (or chronic anxiety) that isn't well known and has so many different forms and causes. They may not quite be the pile-drivers that they were a few years ago but the drugs are still sledgehammers. I'd have more confidence if they were a little bit more honest about the boundaries of their knowledge - and the best ones are - and the fact that this is more of an art than a science. Sometimes it feels more like voodoo than science.
My grandfather actually managed to completely control his diabetes by diet - tremendous self discipline that one can only admire - and the equivalent of that would be someone who was able to cope with their depression without drugs ... may be that's where I get it from. He was also a stubborn old codger so it was pretty horrible to see him slowly succumb to dementia ... not that I saw him very often. He died when I was in my mid 30s, and its possible/probably that the dementia was related to the diabetes.
My mother has macular degeneration related to diabetes ... and suspect that diabetes has had an effect on her cognitive abilities over the years - she would never have been able to control her diabetes by diet and as I write this I find myself wondering on the extent to which the dementia that is creeping up on her might be affecting her ability to keep on top of her meds (which are unbelievably numerous), though she does use one of those pill holders that has each day and periods of the day marked on it. The dementia is noticeable mainly in short term memory loss - asking something and then asking the same question a few minutes later ... most of the time I can cope with it on those rare occasions when I see her - about 1xper week (difficult relationship) but sometimes it gets distressing when its something that you've talked to her about on numerous occasions but she just doesn't seem to be able to get - complete technophobe.
I don't think she's ever had a hypo episode that I'm aware of ... she probably had some at the time when it all started, but I would have been quite young and it was probably dad and other members of the family who coped. Just remember that dad was very concerned about her getting very tired all the time. Mum would have been around 35 and I would have been about 10 ... which is when my problems with medics started - so may be there was a link (again that's only occuring to me as I write this) - given tranquillisers to shut me up when I was having problems coping with a teacher I didn't like at school - and it always felt as if I was being given them to shut my mother up. I always hated my mother asking me if I wanted help with my homework when I was at secondary school - because she generally got it wrong ... and can't help wondering if that was an early manifestation of the effect diabetes can have on cognitive abilities - really interested me to see an article in the science section of the times a few years ago on studies that showed diabetes seemed to have a significant impact on intelligence.
My brother's diabetes manifested itself quite recently - his late 40s - about the time mum was involved in a research project that was trying to identify the gene that caused late onset type-1 ... so I've been tested and know I don't carry the gene ... my brother didn't get tested but now knows he's got the gene - poor thing. Not really his mind set to get tested for things - suspect that's to do with potential impact on health insurance as much as a (healthy) attitude to life: that it's probably best not to know about and worry about some of the crap that it might throw at you before it happens.
Feel a bit better for focusing on something else for a while - so may be it's time to hit the spreadsheets