Thank u for ur kind replys.

Was a bit self concious at writing on here for the first time. but glad i did. reading all the other bloggs i keep thinking in my head thats me i feel like that. The thoughts and feelings i have stop me doing everything. i wont wait to cross the road if there is a line of cars i walk to the end of the line then cross i think the people in them are all looking at me. as i feel im ugly and feel a freak i think they must do to. a friend was in hospital a couple of weeks ago. if just one person was waiting for the lift i was in utter panic so slowly climbed the 3 flights of stairs when i wasnt feeling well and sick with anxiety. i go everywhere with my hat and baggy coat on even if its a warm day. my phyciatrist is always on at me hes never seen me without them. but said he knows why keep them on. to hide. which is of course true. going out anywhere with people is such an ordeal. having my 3 dogs gets me out for a walk everyday. i can choose to go to a quiet woods. but if i see someone in the distance the anxiety and heartracing starts. but seeing my dogs happy and running about makes it worth it. they make me laugh so much. being jackrusels they full of spirit and very very vocal. my pup grabs the kittens round the house and they let him. that is my wee bubble. my 3 dogs and 2 kittens and the queen of sheba my adult cat. so its a fight for who gets the best place in bed. i usually get the edge of it. so that is my wee private bubble just me and my animals and its very precious to me. if anyone in my house even friends i feel like its been invaded as the warped thoughts and feelings i get take ages to go away after whoever has gone. last night a friend was knocking on my door and window and i just couldnt open the door. saying to myself please go away. felt like that again today.then i think why do they bother with me.

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Thanks for sharing...glad you blogged...I understand how you feel, and so will lots of other people on here...

Just wanted you to know I read your blog and wish you well...

Sue xx

[Hopetobehappy2013]

It's lovely to hear about your little animal family! How cute! Our cat used to sleep in the middle of our bed and look outraged if you dared move him! Lol. Your home and little family is your safe haven so it's totally understandable why you don't want your safe place where you are ok to be invaded.

It's good that you get out, but sad about your self esteem and anxiety. Have you talked to your psychiatrist about help to maybe feel less anxious / more comfortable with others out and about? More comfortable and proud of yourself. Your animals clearly think you're great and your friends think you are worth it xxxxx

[Aurora-auspice]

I hear you! Just like here! Lol animals are great! Xxx

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Hi, I was struck by the image of you nevr wanting to go out without your hat and baggy coat on... it made me feel how much the world must seem to you to be something that impinges upon you and can invade your space leaving you with a sense of yourself being damaged. I don't know whether that's right but it's how I imagined you might feel. That made me think about the effects of trauma and violation, not necessarily physical as in something like sexual abuse but also the experience of having emotional space invaded, as if letting people in can destroy you as a person - I know from experience that emotionally sometimes contact with people can feel like that. I used to feel deadened whenever I was in the room with my father and so erected a psychological barrier against letting him 'touch' me emotionally and as a result I found it difficult to let other people touch me emotionally. I don't know whether that relates to what you experience. It sounds as though for you people have become in some way potentially damaging and exhausting whereas with your animals you feel safe because you know they have no need or wish to do that.

I used to feel in some ways like like you, not exactly the same but a feeling of wanting to hide from the world because people could hurt me. A long period of therapy enabled me to realise the trauma that I had experienced earlier in my life and the impact that had upon my sense of self. At some point I realised emotionally that people couldn't harm me any more because 'the world' had already done it's worse and destroyed something in me in infancy and childhood. From that time I have felt a kind of inner strength. I don't know whether thinking about that can help you at all, it's just that thinking back to my own experiences is the only way I have of trying to understand how you experience life.

It must make life so hard for you to feel you need to keep away from people to the extent of feeling anxious if you see someone when walking the dogs in the woods. It's as if your private space is being invaded. It does sound as if in the past someone invaded your space either literally or emotionally and has left you feeling PTSD symptoms. I'm wondering whether your psychiatrist might be able to refer you to someone specialised in helping you with those feelings if you feel that you would like to feel more connected.

I was struck also by your comment about you wonder why people, even friends, bother with you - it sounds as though you have very little sense of self worth. They bother with you because they like you, or care, or most probably both of those. That suggests you are a nice person. You say you feel people will be looking at you and thinking you are ugly and a freak which is so sad as you are clearly not either of those - you identify with many of us who write on this website and we can't all be ugly or freaks! It sounds to me as if you have been very hurt, emotionally abused and perhaps abused in other ways too. You can be helped to overcome the effects of much of the damage and to live a richer life, but only if you want to. Your psychiatrist could refer you to a specialist psychotherapy service where you can be helped to trust a therapist and share what makes you live a life where you need to isolate yourself from people much of the time.

I'm sorry if you think I'm interfering by writing all of this, it just seems so sad to want to withdraw from people, when as well as being potentially damaging relationships can also be the one thing that makes life worthwhile.

Take care, and love and hugs to your animals! Cats and dogs give love so unconditionally, unlike people!

Suexx