Why?

[WouldntYouLikeToKnow]

My husband and I had a fight and I got a lot of things off my chest. It seems like a cycle of that I feel like I'm not heard until I just explode. He has some issues bipolar as well as being a narcissist. I'm not easy to live with I've got PTSD anxiety and I try to stay organized ( I mention that because it drives him crazy he is the opposite.) After a fight even if we come to a understanding I feel suicidal and I'm not sure why?

[Hidden]

Wow, that’s a lot.

I struggle with suicidal thoughts too, sometimes. It’s pretty scary to feel like that. I hope you’re ok.

I wonder if journaling might help. You might spot patterns or even come up with ideas/systems to combat and manage your problems. And it’s a way to express your feelings before you explode, so maybe that’s a win.

Maybe you feel suicidal when you’re stuck in a cycle of being tolerant and understanding right up to the point you explode and then once those feelings are out there, they are kind of out of control...

I don’t know. I hope you’re getting help with the PTSD and anxiety. For me, seeking help was super scary, but worth it ...eventually.

Hope you feel a bit more like yourself soon. 💕

[WouldntYouLikeToKnow in reply to Hidden]

I honestly just wish I had 1 person that actually took care of me like I do everything and everyone. I can't really talk to anyone about my thoughts or feelings. I'm not a sharer, I have told my husband but he's not sure what to say or do so he just says that I'll be ok. I think you are right I feel stuck.. I love my husband and I know he loves me but sometimes I wonder if I would still feel this way if we weren't together. I know if still have issues but in the past when he was deployed life was much easier and I really hate saying that. I think we are toxic to each other.

[Hidden in reply to WouldntYouLikeToKnow]

Oh yes. Totally the same. We care for other people and it seems like we don't get anything back. Of course, that's not why we do it, yet we have needs too, and if those needs aren't met, that's a problem which won't go away.

Let me quote something that someone else on this site posted to me today: Well- read, you must not think of time spent in keeping well, either physically or mentally as time you are 'wasting' on yourself. I'm sure you are a linch pin in your house, but you won't be there for the others if you aren't first there for yourself.

So try and do something you enjoy, for yourself, everyday. Even if it's just going for a 10 minute walk by yourself. Do have a go at the journalling. Over time you will see themes come up.

And also, keep asking for help. Even if doctor/therapist/psychiatrist number one is not helping, don't give up asking. You can ask for a change of practicioner. In the UK you can ask for a Community Psychriatric Nurse (CPN). They are great. You have to repeat your story every time, and you have to build a relationship with the person, but eventually, you will get there.

Also, call the Samaritans. You don't have to be suicidal. But you can say things to a stranger that you don't want to burden your nearest and dearest with. And I've got to tell you, the power of having someone just listen to you without making suggestions... When I've done it, I've usually found myself coming up with solutions to my problems.

You're obviously feeling miserable at the moment, so it might not be a great time to make big decisions about your relationship, but then again... only you can decide that.

[WouldntYouLikeToKnow in reply to Hidden]

Yes I 100 percent feel this we are alike in many ways it sounds. I have been married almost 8 years and we have 2 kids some of our biggest problems are the problems we have within ourselves. I try to stay on a schedule and when that is thrown off I'm off. Its been that way since we moved (military) I also now homeschool my kids so that has been a lot on my plate because I often feel like I'm unsure if I'm doing everything right.. it's also hard to keep a schedule I also baby sit a precious little girl that's 5 months old so I have to get up at 5am which is also hard when I can't sleep well at night. Someone told me that with PTSD when it flares up that I'm not getting a deep sleep.

[Hidden in reply to WouldntYouLikeToKnow]

Wow! You are doing a lot, way more than I can manage. I have two sons (12 &14), who are home schooling at the moment, but most of the work is done by the school - remote lessons. They go back to school next week.

I would agree - sleep is the key to mental health. And the other key(!) is being kind to yourself. I've found that being kind to myself means that I get less done. Does that mean I achieve less - well if I'm happier, maybe I achieve more?

Do you actually want to homeschool your kids - or is it a temporary measure?

[WouldntYouLikeToKnow in reply to Hidden]

Honestly I think its more than I can manage but everything has to be done. I also struggle and ask my husband for help but he didn't ever have to do anything growing up his mom enabled him by doing everything he didn't even know how to use a washer. So he often doesn't do anything. It also angers me because he will get off work and complain about not having time to help but then he will play on his game for 4-6 hours a day and more on the weekends. He's very selfish and I know he loves us but his actions don't show it. He also doesn't have a natural bond with our children never has he loves them but he doesn't do much with them. I'm not sure how long I'm going to homeschool the schools here aren't very good and after having to homeschool through quarantine and the move we just stuck with it. So now I worry if I do decide to put them back that they might not of learned everything that is required. It's hard to remember what I learned in 1st grade and so many programs say different from each other that if I followed everything they all say we'd be doing 1st grade for 2 years lol. So I'm using epics now but they move to quickly the kids learn 2 new concepts a day and then 6 test a week over what they only spent part of a day learning.

[Hidden in reply to WouldntYouLikeToKnow]

I don’t know much about home schooling, but I understand that you tend to do less hours than they would spend in school because it’s more intense learning- no need to go at the pace of the slowest in the class. There are home learning associations that you can join, probably Internet forums you might find to support you.

Get a cleaner. It will be well worth the money to free up two hours a week, but it’s not just the time, it’s the energy doing it and the energy spent thinking about it and the (completely justified) resentment! I don’t work (mental health issues) and I have a cleaner. If I wanted to get hold of one now, I’d ask on my Facebook page. Lots of good people are looking fir work. You don’t need to pay an agency, but your cleaner must have proper insurance.

Also, maybe you can train your kids to deal with the dishwasher and the washing machine. You might have a few colour runs or shrinkage issues, but you’re helping them to become independent adults.

Here’s a thought, you can set limits for screen time. Maybe your husband might agree to set limits, then take the kids out for an hour. (My husband is not really a hands on dad either. I’m working on it.)

Whatever you decide, you can’t keep going like this for ever. It’s vital to find a lifestyle that’s sustainable for you and supports your mental health. It took me 3 breakdowns to learn this. 🙂

[WouldntYouLikeToKnow in reply to Hidden]

I need to consider that a cleaner would be such a relief. What all do they actually do? My kids are very good at helping thanks to the result of my husband I know they have to help so they can carry their weight. They do better than my husband 😂 they wash their clothes and hang/fold them. They clean up after themselves for the most part. It's really my husband that is the mess and he is not just a throw my stuff everywhere kind of mess he's the one that spills something and just leaves it. He doesn't clean after his self at all. I've tried to get him just to spend 30 minutes a day with them but he will for a couples in a row then it dies off. I just wish he wanted to do things with them..

[Hidden in reply to WouldntYouLikeToKnow]

Well, you know he is showing willing so keep at it. Eventually the penny will drop and he'll work out that they are great kids and fun to be with! (Takes years!)

I don't know what you can do to get him to clean up spills immediately. But I saw my husband cleaning the hob the other day(!) This is the man who had to have it explained to him that it is better to rinse the bowl straight after you have finished your soup or cereal so it doesn't dry on. Even that took a few goes,🙄 but we have a dishwasher now.

Just so you know, I have bipolar. I'm feeling quite upbeat at the moment because I had some great news, but I do have down times when I get extremely frustrated with my OH.

Your cleaner will do what you ask them to do. I usually tidy up/make the boys tidy their rooms before my cleaner comes. And she doesn't need really to be told. She is golden. Before I found her, I made a list of what I wanted done, (just what I would do myself) and went through the list when I interviewed the cleaner. Some didn't suit because they couldn't follow the list. I pay an hourly rate of £12, and because I'm not going through an agency I know that she gets all of that money (obviously after the taxman).

You were right in your post - something's got to give!

[WouldntYouLikeToKnow in reply to Hidden]

Yeah your right it's hard for me to understand things that are just simple to me are extremely difficult for him. Im just glad to raise my kids differently! They really are great my son just turned 6 and my daughter is 7 they've been helping from the time they could walk ❤ of course now their help is actually helping 😂

Well I'm glad something good happened for you ❤ I also have no idea what a hob is now I feel like I need to know so I can clean it 😂 because I'm not certain I have. That is amazing the services I found were high maybe I need to search for a singular person.

If something does give I'm going to lose it I've got momma burn out for sure.

[Hidden in reply to WouldntYouLikeToKnow]

I'm so sorry. I did type a reply and obviously it didn't post. A hob is the thing you cook on with pots and pans. I hope that puts your mind a t rest! 😂

Sounds like you've got a plan to make your life do-able.

All the best. Message if you want, I'm usually on here about once a week.

[pink318]

Hi- I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. You mentioned in one of your posts that you are not a sharer. I can relate to that. When I was going through empty nest syndrome, I felt so alone and deeply sad. My husband hugged me without saying anything because according to him he didn’t know the right words to comfort me and I appreciate him by being there for me.

Writing down my feelings in my journal helps me a lot when I am going through different emotions. I also posted in one of the online support groups and I was comforted after I shared my feelings.

Continue to share, we are here for you. I hope this group will help you to feel less lonely and not alone. You also mentioned that you have 2 kids, don’t forget to take care of yourself. I do better in giving care to my family when I care for myself first. Practice self-care by doing things you enjoy.

I hope you feel better soon. Please keep us posted, God bless.

[WouldntYouLikeToKnow in reply to pink318]

I'm not even sure how to take care of myself as weird as that sounds. I am always forgetting when it comes to something for me. When we head out a door I have everything for everyone but forget all my stuff lol. My mom tells me I need to do things for myself but I dont feel like I have time to do the other things there's so much I can't get done now. Even in this moment for me to write you I've had to pause my son is mad at his pants for not coming off while he's wearing shoes 🥴 we are going to be late for a homeschool group meeting that's a hour away. I also baby sit a little one she is sweet but she is a hold me or ill cry. Its just a bunch of things clashing I'm fixing to steal some mascara so I can go to jail 😂 just kidding but I'm so burned out

[pink318 in reply to WouldntYouLikeToKnow]

Hi there

I remember when my son was a baby, I prepared his stuffs and wanted to make sure he had everything before we leave the house. But sometimes I forgot to comb my hair that's why I always have a hair tie on my bag. My sister would remind me to care for myself first.

Yes, my husband is so supportive. Thank you so much. Have a great day

[WouldntYouLikeToKnow in reply to pink318]

I'm also sorry I know that can't be easy I dread the day it comes 😟 your husband sounds so supportive that's really great ❤

[Breath135]

Hi,

My heart became heavy as I read your words.

I can Emphasize with you in real time.

I escaped my Narcissist husband of 15 years a little over year a go.

He was in a Narcissist rage in the middle of night & (this time), something inside me guided me past him, grabbing whatever I could (in my p.j’s), somehow made it into my car ~ as his rage continued I just backed the car up as he jumped away from blocking me & kept going...

As “unreal” & surreal as it was, I’m grateful that today I’m able to reflect in the reality of my situation, make sense out of it & with all my honesty, offer you my support.

I’m sending you healing energy...

[Breath135 in reply to Breath135]

This is a BIGGY about Narcissistic Disorder- the emotional & mental conditioning & damage is beyond anything anyone who had not live it can ever understand. Please try to tap into one thing just for you, privately, of course (guided meditation saved my life).

Unfortunately, you have been and continue to be manipulated by a Master Manipulator.

*is his emotional maturity that of a child?

“Do you somehow end up apologizing for something he did that was awful?”

“Is his only response a deflection?”

His control can be very sneaky. Journaling, I THOUGHT they were respected by my husband-journaling is for the author only.

When I caught him reading them, the violation & betrayal I felt was so confusing.

Now, I get it.

Still on my path to recovery...

[Breath135 in reply to Breath135]

You Matter!