I win, now what?

[Humanintraining]

Hi, first post here, finally have all my facts together. To understand where I'm coming from; a little backstory.

I am 27. Asperger's Syndrome.

I was happiest in my life when I was 20-23.

I lived by myself in a little studio, had my first girlfriend visiting and eventually living with me so there was plenty of sex, hugs, love and attention. I was studying a bachelor's to be able to teach and felt like teaching was a life goal I could finally work towards. I spent hours on World Of Warcraft when I wasn't studying or spending time with her. I felt really good when I was playing, felt accomplished, cool. Meanwhile I looked after her and myself, cooked, washed, all of that. I was worried about graduating, but I was either working towards a future goal or having fun or being loved. It was spectacular. If I could go back and just... repeat those years over and over again for eternity, it would be heaven for me.

Everything changed.

I struggled to graduate, struggled hard, when riding my bike to the school I had to teach at, I felt like it would be more comfortable and easier to ride off the bridge into the river I kept passing. Upon driving home, I'd cry from the stress as soon as my pupils could no longer see me, from realising teaching really wasn't for me, from realising I still needed to get that degree to have any degree at all. I got that degree, but will never teach.

My now ex, detached herself from me, bit by bit. Dumped me eventually. I was no fun to be around, she said. We no longer wanted the same things. Which was true. She wanted to move to Sweden and was sick of our living situation and I couldn't leave my family in Belgium. Make no mistake, I loved her beyond words. After all, she made me the happiest I had ever been, but she fell in love with a Swede and I wasn't going to move with her to compete with a much happier man with a much easier life. Because I wanted her happy, I gave her my savings to be able to travel there. Because she didn't want to return my money, she blocked me entirely and we haven't spoken in two years.

So I lost her and my savings, our common friends, my studio (which was tied to my university and since I graduated I had to leave) and ended up with a useless degree.

I had nothing left. Everything that made my life so great, was gone. I was poor, dumped, alone. I got my useless degree, but felt like I had lost everything else in the process. Because I had already had had the best possible life. I felt like the rest was not worth living. Anti-depressants, therapy, suicide-hotline... Only my granny stopped me from killing myself. I couldn't do it to her, or any of my family members, to leave them behind like that.

Now 2 years later... atleast 20 new friends, reconnected with my family, steady well-paying job as a logistics coördinator, living comfortably at my grandparents, have heaps of free time, enough money to do whatever I want, I'm healthy, fairly good looking, I currently saved 30k (which is 10 times what my ex took from me), am 3 years away from my own house. Got my driving licence, my own new car. I travelled to more places in 2 years than I did in the 25 years before. I didn't just climb out from the pit, I am filling that pit. I'm making sure I can never fall in again, but...here comes the question, thanks for reading.

I am still very much alone. I got many new friends, truely, but I joined friend groups that formed before I was there. I'm always the outsider, the extra, the guy you invite if you have a chair to spare. I try to change that but I'm not that social, or funny, or interesting. I'm just not. I'm fairly smart, but that doesn't make for enjoyable company.

I can't lose myself in gaming anymore, it just reminds me of the past. Reminds me of how alone I am now. My favorite thing to do is sleep. I just eat-sleep-work-repeat. So I know little joy. I play the piano now and then, but I end up playing sad music more than not. I'm excellent at feeling sorry for myself, even though I have little reason to be.

I was walking through the city (there's a festival going on) observing people. Couples, groups of 3, groups of 4, larger groups still. Laughing, talking, discussing, watching the spectacles and I just made my way through the crowds. Eating from a bag of nuggets I got from Mac Donalds. Wondering if I could have friends like that. Feel like part of something again. Feel important, admired, appreciated. I ran out of nuggets, and out of motivation to keep watching all these other people, that are able to do what I can't.

I want to connect with people again. Laugh with them, be angry over what they said, make amends. Surprise them, be surprised. I want to connect! I want that, but why would anyone want that from me? I feel like my break-up has taught my brain not to bond with people outside my family. Because it wants to avoid the hellish pain I went through.

I feel like that's me now. Being succesful financially, living comfortably until I grow old and die, but always that weird solitary guy, strolling through the street, like he hasn't a care or worry in the world. Eating his nuggets, while observing you.

Ugh. I wanna be on the inside again, not the outside, you know?

[Hidden]

Life isn't easy otherwise non of us would be here.Sounds like u have alot to offer...a friend or a partner,be patient n the right one will enter your life.If your not patient u may repeat past mistakes.U have come a long way n u have tons of years ahead of u..find new n exciting things that may interest u n u never know who u might meet along the way

[BHBC]

Hi there!

Boy you’ve survived a few battles.

Life is a shit sometimes, and for years But, my fellow human Everyone Matters!! Including You Make lists of all the stuff ur not into

Be ruthless, I laughed at ur tears (Sorry, not unkindly ) on the way home from teaching, Who in their right mind would go to War!! Classrooms at times must be a battlefield Well done for giving it a go but it’s not for everyone. Now listen up You need to remain You but understand, really learn about The Self and what makes you curious Negative Emotions flare up, they are distracting but that’s all

All you need to grow/learn etc etc blah blah is between your ears

It’s fun being the biggest loser

Be brave to be Bonkers (No need to upset granny )

I found Accepting vulnerability is my path to freedom/Joy, life is evolving constantly, good and bad Think on promoting the right environment for confidence/smile if you feel like it.

I’m brilliant at reading stress, especially horses, EAT or equine assisted therapy may interest you Even if you don’t embrace it, the Ahh ha moments may delight

You’ll find once you stop chasing the Horse The Dream what/whoever, Stuff, Your Joy

The Horse/ It comes to find you

Love You fellow Human All the best C

[MarkFL]

Keep strong.

Sometimes many people around you do not necessarily mean happiness.

I could almost bet that now many people in this world would rather walk alone with their thoughts and a bunch of nuggets.

Gym is always a good place to start conversations, why not make friends. So sports, new hobbies, video game fairs if you want.

You have won battles and now you have no right to make your wish to become more popular, challenged by the shield of victimization.

Go ahead and make it happen.

Life is good.

[SirGrits]

Hey Human, keep grinding. Sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders. Consider therapy/counseling. I think what is tough for us humans, specially this one (meaning myself), is to not let the external circumstances and statistics of life determine our self-worth/satisfaction-with-life. Counseling/therapy would help with that.