What to do?: I lost the love of my life this... - Above & Beyond

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What to do?

RDC81 profile image
9 Replies

I lost the love of my life this week and I'm so sad.

It's my fault he's gone, I finally drove him away after 16 years with my mad ramblings and my angry outbursts , my paranoia and being constantly miserable.

This guy is the sweetest most patient guy I've ever met, he would go out of his way to do things for people even those who treat him like something they stepped in ( this would make me so mad). Everyone has their limits though and I finally pushed him to his.

He had a shock to the system this year too his brother and mum passed away within 10 days of each other, this i think swayed his decision to not be stuck with me, to go out and live life to the full. It's such a shame it's with a girl half his age who's more of a wreck than I am ( I don't understand the logic there)

It's sadder still that we have children our eldest is going into his GCSE year now, he's mildly autistic and has a hard time talking about his feelings I'm scared what this is doing to him.

Our beautiful girl I know is putting on a brave face and I'm so angry with myself because she appears so strong I'm projecting all my feelings onto her, talking to her about things no 13 year old should deal with.

It's because I have noone else all these years it was me, him and the kids I didn't need anyone else, I don't talk to what little family I have and I have never bothered to make a friend so right now I have noone.

He says I can stay in the house and he'll help me sort out the rent and bills etc because at the moment he does everything, I don't have a clue. My only job in the week was to do the food shop and what a state I got into just doing that!

I feel so bad for him though, his whole life is in this house he has built up our home always payed for everything and he's left it all. It should be me that's leaving, I'm the cause of the break up, I don't deserve to stay!

An example of how bad I get is yesterday I was so angry because he hadn't text me back about something I was screaming at him down the phone, literally screaming!

This scared my daughter and she started screaming and crying, he came round because of this and I just wanted to leave there and then, no shoes, no phone, no money, nothing.

He was telling me if I left I was never to see the kids again, ever, and I was willing to do that! I was pleading with my crying son and daughter to stop blocking the door and let me out because that's what was best for them and they would be fine with just Daddy.

The whole time could see what I was doing to them, it was like the small bit of sensible Rhi was in there watching what I was doing begging for me to stop and I just couldn't.

If course now I feel so bad for that outburst I feel so bad that I did that, it's done and I can't change it.

This is another thing of mine, deeply regretting past actions and getting angry because they can't be changed.

I keep saying sorry to my partner for wasting his years, for getting pregnant so early in our relationship and burdening him with me. He tells me he doesn't regret the past but I don't listen to him, I never really listened to him (another reason he's gone). For years he told me to get help but I always put it off I was always too worried that if I got better through someone else's help he would be mad because I listened to them not to him I left it too late.

I could ramble on forever there's so much going on inside my head it feels so full and buzzes like a beehive.

What to do now?

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RDC81 profile image
RDC81
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9 Replies

Hi RDC81,

I'm sorry you are going through this. The best thing you wrote is that you are aware of your issues and you realize that you need help. Stop putting it off and seek treatment for yourself, your daughter, and him. Your daughter is living with you. He still has to communicate with you because you have children together. You can't imagine how this is really affecting your daughter. How will all of the drama and dysfunction affect her later on in life and in relationships?

We can't change the past, but we can try to make thoughtful, healthy decisions moving forward. Everyone involved will appreciate it.

RDC81 profile image
RDC81 in reply to

Thank you xx

Natsteveo profile image
Natsteveo

Hi RDC81

So sorry you are going through this you and your children.

I know you are feeling physically and mentally drained right now blaming yourself isn't going to help at all.

Yes living with our illnesses is draining and challenging not just for us but everyone around us but doing it the way your partner has done it is definitely not the answer.you have probably hit rock bottom more than ever now..if you ask me you haven't driven him away at all a girl half his age has..if it was a reasonable way then he would of gotten himself somewhere to live and spoke to you about having some time apart while he figures out what he wants from life he didn't have to pick up a younger version in the meantime so in my opinion no it's certainly not your fault..

I've been a kid and a wife in your situation my husband up and left and blames the way I have become increasingly difficult to be with for his departure which I took very badly but understood only to find out 2 weeks after he set up home with a new woman I was left with a 2 year old little girl who relied on me to look after her how could I do that when I couldn't even take care of myself. But it was hard and I did it I even met a new man who is my best friend and my soulmate and he's stuck by me through thick and thin 20years later were still together. Not everyone has the same outcome but blaming yourself isn't the answer it took me going to counselling to realise that. Your daughter and son will hurt because your hurting the impact it has on kids is heart breaking so maybe now would be the best time to have therapy for you and the kids..believe me your kids would not be better off with their father your their mum they will need you more than ever now please believe me when I say this will get better eventually but I think you need to find yourself and take care of you now so definatly get counselling

Let me know how you get on you can private message me if you want aswell hope this has helped in some way

Take care Nat x

RDC81 profile image
RDC81 in reply to Natsteveo

Thank you for your kind words and support xx

Natsteveo profile image
Natsteveo in reply to RDC81

Always I know what your going through right now and it's not the vest place to be in just keep strong and positive xx

Natsteveo profile image
Natsteveo

Hi there

How are you and the kids doing

Sending thoughts

Nat xx

RDC81 profile image
RDC81 in reply to Natsteveo

Hi, thanks so much for asking, we're ok I guess my son's struggling he has mild autism and has already lashed out at someone at school, they haven't seen their dad since last Friday he makes plans to see them then stands them up at the last minute because he has too much to do I don't know what this something is but he has none of his things and he's sleeping on someone's sofa. I have a telephone doctor's appointment today so I'm hoping they have some ideas for me on how to move forward.

Thanks again for thinking of me xx

Cina101 profile image
Cina101

Hi, I'm new on this site and I feel like I can relate to you a little bit,I have a man I'm mean to him I'm pushing him away and my kids too.. something is wrong with me

Tekakwitha profile image
Tekakwitha

I am so sorry to hear of your plight. My suggestion is that you seek help from the mental health services as the behavioural pattern you describe of red hot anger and then guilty regret suggests some diagnosable mental illness which can be treated. If that is the case then it is a great opportunity to start your life over and find happiness again. I wish you all the best.

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