I lost the love of my life this week and I'm so sad.
It's my fault he's gone, I finally drove him away after 16 years with my mad ramblings and my angry outbursts , my paranoia and being constantly miserable.
This guy is the sweetest most patient guy I've ever met, he would go out of his way to do things for people even those who treat him like something they stepped in ( this would make me so mad). Everyone has their limits though and I finally pushed him to his.
He had a shock to the system this year too his brother and mum passed away within 10 days of each other, this i think swayed his decision to not be stuck with me, to go out and live life to the full. It's such a shame it's with a girl half his age who's more of a wreck than I am ( I don't understand the logic there)
It's sadder still that we have children our eldest is going into his GCSE year now, he's mildly autistic and has a hard time talking about his feelings I'm scared what this is doing to him.
Our beautiful girl I know is putting on a brave face and I'm so angry with myself because she appears so strong I'm projecting all my feelings onto her, talking to her about things no 13 year old should deal with.
It's because I have noone else all these years it was me, him and the kids I didn't need anyone else, I don't talk to what little family I have and I have never bothered to make a friend so right now I have noone.
He says I can stay in the house and he'll help me sort out the rent and bills etc because at the moment he does everything, I don't have a clue. My only job in the week was to do the food shop and what a state I got into just doing that!
I feel so bad for him though, his whole life is in this house he has built up our home always payed for everything and he's left it all. It should be me that's leaving, I'm the cause of the break up, I don't deserve to stay!
An example of how bad I get is yesterday I was so angry because he hadn't text me back about something I was screaming at him down the phone, literally screaming!
This scared my daughter and she started screaming and crying, he came round because of this and I just wanted to leave there and then, no shoes, no phone, no money, nothing.
He was telling me if I left I was never to see the kids again, ever, and I was willing to do that! I was pleading with my crying son and daughter to stop blocking the door and let me out because that's what was best for them and they would be fine with just Daddy.
The whole time could see what I was doing to them, it was like the small bit of sensible Rhi was in there watching what I was doing begging for me to stop and I just couldn't.
If course now I feel so bad for that outburst I feel so bad that I did that, it's done and I can't change it.
This is another thing of mine, deeply regretting past actions and getting angry because they can't be changed.
I keep saying sorry to my partner for wasting his years, for getting pregnant so early in our relationship and burdening him with me. He tells me he doesn't regret the past but I don't listen to him, I never really listened to him (another reason he's gone). For years he told me to get help but I always put it off I was always too worried that if I got better through someone else's help he would be mad because I listened to them not to him I left it too late.
I could ramble on forever there's so much going on inside my head it feels so full and buzzes like a beehive.
What to do now?
Family
What to do......
Really feel confused/railroaded into a 'diagnosis' - but overall, just 'not right' Please help me to understand whats happening to me
can some person diagnose this? or their synopsis?
