What Do I Do Now?

There doesn't seem to be a lot of action on here, but I thought I'd just make a blog post anyway, because there's not much else I can think of doing right now.

I'm 18, and I've been struggling with depression since I was 13, though I was only diagnosed at the end of last year, following a suicide attempt. Until then, I had been told it was a phase that I would get over... Since then I have been put on anti-depressants, which seemed to work for a little while, but recently, my mood has taken a bad turn.

I'm pretty much just in bed all the time. I don't know how to deal with things anymore, and I'm self harming again for the first time in nearly two years. My mum's just been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and I'm freaking out because I don't know how to take care of myself let alone help take care of her. I've lost a relationship due to not wanting to see anyone, and I haven't seen my friends in ages. I just want to live a normal, 18 year old life.

I just phoned the mental health crisis team, whom I dealt with after my attempt in November. They were okay then, if perhaps a little condescending ("do this, do that, and you'll be happy" - anyone else experience this?) but my mum suggested I phone and make an appointment, so I tried. I got told that i had been discharged from their service months ago (despite being told previously I could get help from then whenever), and that there wasn't much they could do to help as I wasn't in "immediate danger". Which I found odd considering I had just told the woman about my suicidal thoughts and self harm. It seems to be that to get help with depression you really need to do something extreme to get someone to listen or pay attention, which is just so saddening, as well as exhausting. It feels like I'm screaming my head off and no one will listen, so I've stopped screaming because it's too much work.

This is all turning into a bit of a ramble but I just thought I'd try and post here, what harm could it do. I just feel totally lost. I want to curl up in my bed all the time (and have been) because just getting up and being awake is simply too exhausting. ):

11 Replies

  • Hi Susanna. It appears that the crisis team have not really supported you as well as they probably could have.

    Firstly, whereabouts are you in the UK? I can then give you contact details for organisations who can provide the correct support to you.

    Please try and keep positive and know that there are organisations out there who will listen and support you.

  • Hey, thanks for the quick reply! I really, really appreciate that..

    I'm from North Ayrshire, in Scotland.

    Thanks so much. Trying to stay positive but sometimes it's just all too much, haha. x

  • Hi Susanna,

    Contact Action on Depression, they cover Scotland (we cover Wales). Their website is dascot.org and they have lots of useful information. They offer phone, email and online support, self-help groups (my geography is terrible so I'm not sure where these are held in proximity to you, but AoD will be able to put you in touch if there's one close by), plus they also have an online self-help group. All of their services are free.

    There is also a helpline managed by SANE (www.sane.org.uk). The helpline is open between 6.00pm and 11.00pm every day of the year - 0845 767 8000.

    If you can get the right support I'm sure you will stay positive and healthy - let me know how you get on and keep smiling :-)

  • Thanks so much for this! It was very helpful, I really, really appreciate it. <3 xx

  • You're welcome Susanna.

  • Hi Susanna, poor you it must be so frightening now your mum is poorly too. Perhaps finding out more about her illness might help? Had you thought of counselling? It does not always help, but I have had some really good ones in the past, good luck and try to take care, best wishes caz

  • Hi Susanna, I've just seen this. How are you feeling now? I've had depression on and off since I was 14 (now 35), bulimia, self-harming and numerous suicide attempts. I am now on prozac, my GP is too nervous to let me stop taking them. My health has declined a bit - I have chronic pelvic pain which may be endometriosis, I am having a procedure in a few months to see. Alas I take so many painkillers I cannot work which is a shame because work provides structure to my day and stops me "thinking" so much. My experience with the nhs hasn't been great, I had 4 appointments with the mental health crisis team and they weren't sympathetic at all. It seems amazing that I can go into a&e in acute pain and it gets dealt with, I get admitted and they run all sorts of tests and give me treatment for the pain. If I say I'm going to kill myself, I get sent to the crisis team where I waited 5 hours, I got so fed up with waiting and was so hungry & tired that I ended up just going home, with so little energy that I wouldn't have bothered killing myself!!! maybe that's their intention!!! I don't understand why mental health is dealt with so badly. I have called the samaritans loads of times and sometimes go in to one of their centres - they are brilliant. I have had counselling & therapy for years but annoyingly the best counsellor I ever had was when I was at university and that's far away from me now (location wise).

    Sorry, I don't mean to make you more depressed... it is really hard to deal with and I totally sympathise. You have to talk to people who understand. My family doesn't understand and my friends keep a distance. Mind you, my friends keep a distance even when I'm in hospital for something "normal" (ie physical). I think people can't cope with people who have something wrong with them.

    I hope more people come to this site, there is one for endometriosis and everyone is so supportive & full of advice. It would be nice to post on here when you're feeling down and have someone there who could help.

    Anyway, take care of yourself. Try to get outside especially when it's sunny, I really find it helps, if I can get myself outside!


  • hello susanna ive had depression for over 20 years now and tryed different therapies cbt councillors and now ive been lucky to find a hypnotherapist which is helping me its really hard to understand that ive got a illness which ive only just admitted to my self i used to cut myself when i was young but it felt like a relief sometimes it s a long hard road head but i have to try and be happy with myself rather than please other people anyway hope you are ok bye for now

  • I too have been under a hypnotherapist......ideas planted subconciously can have a really positive effect,my couselling was prompted by the fit for work programme

  • Hi Susannah, how are things going? I really hope you are now getting the help you need, best wishes Caz

  • Hi Sussanah,

    You're young and struggling, and your mum is not well so it's not suprising that you need help. You don't say, are you at college, or working, or school, or without work? I wonder whether you can talk with someone who can listen to what you have to say whilst also helping to give you a sense of direction so that you begin to create a life for yourself. I'm wondering whether you have an idea what led you to become depressed at 13 and whether those issues have passed? My fantasy is that your mum wasn't able to be there enough for you during childhood and also you don't mention your Dad and I wonder whether he left you at some point? My Dad left when I was 11 and that event is still affecting me now very many years later because I didn't turn to anyone for help with my feelings about his going and the consequences in terms of my distress and also moving house and schools. If you have some idea about why you are depressed then it may help you to talk with a counsellor about the issues that led to depression and if you do not know why you became depressed then it may help you to talk with a pscyhotherapist who can help you to understand why. Some forms of therapy can help overcome the depression but often when it starts young the important thing is to get to the root of the problem before the depressive pattern has had very many years to become deep set. What about asking your GP to refer you to a specialist psychotherapy department, perhaps a clinical psychologist of psychodynamic psychotherapist within the NHS? Once you have someone there for you then you will have more energy and motivation to offer care for your mum when she needs it, although it may be that your worrying about her is part of your underlying problems that is leading to depression. Do see your GP about a referral and hopefully you will begin to think about what you want to do with your life.


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